North Korea Declares War on Calvinism

Pyongyang, North Korea - North Korea announced on Monday that it is preparing it's forces to "utterly and mercilessly destroy Calvinism." The news report stated that,

"If the evil and vile imperialist doctrine of Calvinism encroaches upon the sacred soil of the Democratic People's Republic of Korea even one millimeter, we will, under the banner of Songun, of the Great Leader Kim Il Sung, and the Dear Leader, Kim Jong Il, adhering to the Juche ideology so set forth by the former and realized with realization by the latter, with the strength of the great Korean people of the workers paradise that is the DPRK, crush with unmerciful blows this fools ideology, until not even the charred remains can be found."

The statement comes just weeks after North Korea denounced Infralapsarianism in an effort to "Correct the thinking of those who would be led away by imperialist thinking."

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Doctor "Don't Need No Education!"

Hoover, Alabama - He's never been to med school. In fact the man who calls himself "Dr. Eddie Miller" has never even been to college. He graduated from high school in 1987 with a 2.3 GPA and immediately began pursuing his "calling" to the medical profession.

"I felt the call to become a doctor since I was a boy," said Miller. "I was about 7 and caught me a frog and cut him open with my pocket knife. I knew right then and there that I wanted to be a doctor when I growed up."

Miller went on to recount how he spent his days after that watching TV shows about "doctor stuff." He also took every chance he could to catch small live animals and dissect them, so that he could further pursue his "calling." Finally, at the tender age of only 13 he performed his first surgery.

"They found out my uncle Billy had a tumor in his neck. He was going to go to one of them big fancy hospitals where the doctors think they all smart and stuff, but I told him I would do the surgery for free. We knocked him out with a ball-pin hammer and I used my trusty exacto knife. Uncle Billy didn't quite make it that day, but he was too far gone anyway."

Now at the age of 41, Miller operates a small clinic in Hoover where he says he's qualified to perform any medical procedure even though he's never been to med school.

"I don't need no medical board or a bunch of other smarty pants doctors telling me what to do and think. I read my medical journals every day. I've even memorized entire chapters. I can do any surgery or procedure. Brain surgery, spinal surgery, amputations, you name it. I don't need no education. This is a calling."

TBNN tried to reach some of Dr. Miller's patients both current and past for comment, but none could be located.

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