Tominthebox News Network - Religious Humor/Satire

Cowboy Takes New Middle Position in Calvinism-Arminianism Debate

2009-04-28T06:00:00.000+04:00

TULSA, OK - Terry Newton has two loves in life. The first is roping cattle. The second is studying theology. According to Terry, "There's a lot of time to think and read my bible as I sit on my horse and watch the cattle graze."

Terry is a long-time member of the Evangelical Theological Society (ETS). He reportedly likes a good theological discussion almost as much as a T-Bone steak. Terry not only reads and discusses theology, but also writes a good deal. His latest article was recently published in the ETS Journal.

The title of this groundbreaking article is, "A New Middle Position - Finding Two Truths in the Bible."

According to Terry, "After much study of the Bible, I have come to the conclusion that some people at birth are spiritually dead, while others are just spiritually dying. God knew who would be dead, and chose some of those unconditionally for salvation. Of those who were dying, God didn't choose any, but rather left the choice up to them. As for the atonement, God limits the application of Christ's death to those He chose of the spiritually dead, but allows it to be applied to all of the spiritually dying who choose Him."

Terry continued, "When God calls to some of the spiritually dead, His call is effective. All who are called end up placing their faith in Christ. On the other hand, God does not effectively call any of the spiritually dying, but rather simply calls out to them, hoping that they will respond. He would be too much of a gentleman to force the dying to get saved. Finally, regarding perseverance, God keeps those that He chooses - none are lost. However, those who ultimately choose Him have the freedom to reject Him later - they are not firmly held by God to anything."

When asked how two seemingly opposing views can be reconciled like this, he responded, "There are just so many good people on both sides of this debate. For example, when we look at history, the Calvinism side has Luther, Calvin (of course), Zwingli, Owen, Edwards, Spurgeon, Carey, Judson, etc. The Arminian side has Arminius, Wesley, and a bunch of popes. Well, I guess it's not that even. As for today, the Calvinists have MacArthur, Piper, Sproul, Mahaney, Mohler, Begg, Ferguson, Carson, Baucham, White, and Grudem. The Arminians have Geisler, Patterson, and, well, I suppose that isn't even either."

TBNN inquired, "What is your real motivation here? Why this new theory?"

Terry finally admitted, "I just want everyone to get along. Can't we all get along?"

TIME Article Impacts Baby Boy Names

2009-03-24T16:00:00.002+03:00

As most of our readers already know, TIME magazine has reported that the "New Calvinism" is one of "The 10 Ideas Changing the World Right Now." Whether or not this article is true, whether or not it means anything at all, and whether or not it matters is up for debate. Many Calvinists say that the "New Calvinism" is simply the "Old Calvinism." Many Arminians simply hope all this excitement will slowly fade away.

One unexpected result of the TIME article has been an immediate impact on baby boy names. The research department here at TBNN has discovered that since the announcement of the TIME article, certain names have become much more popular for baby boys almost over night. Conversely, the choice of other names has fallen off dramatically.

The results are as follows (first name, followed by percentage change):

Calvin: +500%

Luther: +200%

Ulrich: +15%

Owen: +75%

Edwards: +150%

Spurgeon: +80%

Piper: +750%

R.C.: +50%

Alistair: +80%

Wesley: -300%

Jacobus: -600%

We are also happy to report that the name "Osteen," which had been on the rise for several years, now appears to have plateaued. No information is yet available as to the effect the new Osteen Bible will have on future baby names.

John 3:16 Conference Finally Proves that Calvinism is Unbiblical

2008-11-10T14:00:00.002+03:00

ATLANTA, GA - The arguments have been made. The debate is finally settled. There is nothing left to discuss.

Calvinism is finished. The Doctrines of Grace have been de-bunked. Reformed theology is has once and for all time been banished to the trash bin of dead theologies.

On November 6-7, Jerry Vines ministries hosted the John 3:16 Conference. At this conference, which billed itself as "A biblical and theological assessment of and response to 5-point Calvinism," noted Southern Baptists took open shots at Calvinism.

Those in attendance were thrilled with the scholarship on display. For example, pastor Bubba Swift of Good Works Baptist Church, told TBNN, "Those speakers sure did a fine job. They just kept quotin' John 3:16 over and over again. No matter what objection was brought to them, they just kept sayin', 'Whosoever will...' It was awesome."

Pastor Wyatt Beasley said, "All I know is Jesus died for the whole world. That means everybody. When I got saved, I could just tell Jesus was cheerin' me on from heaven, just hopin' I'd give myself to Him. That's what I done."

Some of the more notable quotes to come out of the conference were the following:
"Humans are born with original sin but not original guilt."
"A move toward Calvinism is a move away from the gospel.”
"Repentance and faith precede regeneration."
"A 'hyper-Calvinist' is someone who is more Calvinistic than you are.”
"Romans 9-11 have nothing to do with eternal salvation."

The most amazing part of the conference was when one of the speakers reportedly said, "We're right. They're wrong. Who's wrong? A few guys named Augustine, Martin Luther, John Calvin, John Knox, John Owen, John Bunyan, Jonathan Edwards, George Whitefield, William Carey, Adoniram Judson, James Boyce, Arthur Pink, Martyn Lloyd-Jones, J. I. Packer, R. C. Sproul, John MacArthur, and especially John Piper."

It is worth noting that no one from the Southern Baptist Theological Seminary was asked to speak at the conference.

Despite the fact that Dr. Vines said the gathering was not intended to be a "bashing Calvinism" conference, this is exactly what it turned out to be. While those who bothered to attend liked what was said, the broader spectrum of thought within the blog-world has been far less favorable. For some sane thought on this topic, click here and here.

When the conference concluded, there was much ovation and back-slapping. The speakers informed the press that now that Calvinism had been demolished for all time, they would aim their vast intellect at the most important issue facing Protestantism today: alcohol.

Fundamentalists Await New "THiPhone"

2008-07-25T10:42:00.001+04:00

Pensacola, Fl - Pensacola Christian College announced on Thursday that they will soon release the much anticipated "THiPhone." With the recent popularity of Apple's iPhone, many fundamentalists have been looking for a way to enjoy the convenience of the technology but without compromising their principles by using the "vulgar, base, worldly, accursed things."

"I'll admit, the technology is amazing, but I just couldn't bring myself to buy one," said Pastor Kenneth Hamperton of Bible Believers Sword of the Lord Baptist Church. "So many people own these phones and are listening to Kid Rock and Snoop Doggy Doo (sic) on them. Now while I wouldn't listen to such trash I know that someone might see me listening to my iPhone and say 'Hey look, brother Hamperton is listening to Kid Rock I bet. I guess I can too!' I don't want to be a stumbling block. We're called to be separate you know."

But the THiPhone, developed by a joint venture between the Science and Communications departments at P.C.C., promises to provide all of the functions of the iPhone but without the "evil" things normally associated with it. The THiPhone has many of the same features as the iPhone but with the following changes.

Like the popular "ePhod" the THiPhone will not play any songs with "bad" music, such as music with offbeats, hand clapping or distorted guitars.
The THiPhone comes pre-installed with a mobile version of Net Finney to prevent any Calvinist or Reformed websites from being visited.
The THiPhone will play videos but only recorded services from the P.C.C. campus church.
The THiPhone's camera can only take pictures of modest clothing or the P.C.C. campus.

There are also features that allow P.C.C. students to report other students who might be engaged in "rebellion" such as using the telephone in someone else's room or walking on the grass or speaking favorably of the Puritans.

The THiPhone's release is planned for this fall with a starting price of $399.

Caner Declares Jihad on Doctrines of Grace

2008-07-01T11:00:00.000+04:00

Ergun Caner, head of Liberty Theological Seminary, shocked even the fundamentalist wing of the Southern Baptist Convention last Sunday when he declared jihad against the Doctrines of Grace.

While preaching at Thomas Road Baptist Church in Lynchburg, VA, Caner reportedly said, "We have been soft for too long on these Calvinist infidels. They are, after all, worse than Muslims. We must take the fight straight to their core - straight to the Doctrines of Grace themselves. Let us purify our convention of these usurpers."

Caner continued his "sermon" by outlining the process by which the SBC will be expunged of the Doctrines of Grace. "We will follow a simple five-step process:

First, those heroes who oppose the heretical doctrines will gain, by whatever measure is necessary, positions of power and authority in the convention.

Second, we will warn all SBC churches not to hire Calvinists.

Third, we will tell all Calvinists that they have a moral imperative to tell churches if they are, in fact, Calvinists.

Fourth, we will hold many conferences designed to annihilate the Doctrines of Grace.

Fifth, we will frequently toilet-paper Al Mohler's house."

At the conclusion of the sermon, Caner was reportedly shot out of a canon, bounced off a trampoline, and landed on the back of a waiting camel. After wrapping a turban on his head, he departed stage left singing We Shall Overcome.

Several hundred spectators immediately came forward to accept Jesus into their hearts.

THE REVOLUTION CONTINUES!!!

2008-06-27T16:47:00.007+04:00

JOIN THE ARMINIAN REVOLUTION TODAY!!!!

2008-06-26T16:29:00.005+04:00

Dear Comrads,

For some time now it has become evident that our dear religion is in trouble. For years now our churches, seminaries and homes have been plagued by a heresy that threatens to destroy us. Yes, I'm talking about Calvinism. For years, these Calvinists were confined to the fringes of Christianity, but over the past few decades they have been making a resurgence in many denominations. NOW IS THE TIME! I call upon all Arminians of solid conviction to take action to stop the spread of Calvinism throughout the world.

Now is time to root them out. Perhaps they are in your church or your school. It is possible that even your pastor himself is one! The word must get out. Over the course of the next few weeks we will be distributing these posters. Place them wherever you can. Let us end this wave of heresy before it grows worse.

Sincerely,
Comrad Foma Karlovich Slavsyn

Pastor Caught in Reformed Website Scandal

2008-06-18T09:30:00.008+04:00

Battle Creek, Mi - John Hodges, the associate pastor of Liberty Baptist Church in Battle Creek, stood before an emotional and confused congregation this past Sunday and tried his best to explain what was going on with the church's senior pastor, Dr. Charles Hollingsworth.

"I know we are all in shock," said Hodges from the pulpit. "Believe me, I'm hurting from this too. But I think one thing that brother Charles needs right now is our prayers and our support. He's been placed on sabbatical indefinitely, but we want to work with him and spend some time trying to help him through this deeply troubling period of his life."

The trouble for Hollingsworth began about a month ago when the church installed a piece of software called Covenant Eyes on all of the church's computers. The Covenant Eyes software is intended to help guard against someone surfing the web for explicit material through accountability, remotely monitoring all internet sites visited on a particular computer and logging them so that they cannot be changed. The program then sends the information to designated accountability partners. In the case of Liberty Baptist various members of the Deacon's board were assigned to keep the pastoral staff accountable. While the main intention of the program is to guard against surfing explicit websites, the log information shows every site visited, including sites designated as "safe." Thus, it was not long before pastor Hollingsworth's accountability partner made some shocking discoveries.

"I got his weblog in my email, and I was looking it over carefully," said deacon Patrick Downes. "Everything looked fine to me, I didn't see anything inappropriate, but I kept seeing this one site over and over again called monergism.com. From what I could tell he was visiting this site a lot. So I decided to take a look and see what it was all about."

Downes describes what he found as "shocking" and "disgusting." As it turns out monergism.com is an entire website devoted to Calvinist and Reformed writings, cataloging everything from the Puritans to contemporary theologians. Downes soon found out that Hollingsworth had been deeply engaged in reading the works of John Owen, John Calvin, Sinclair Ferguson and C.H. Spurgeon.

"My heart sank when I found out he had been visiting all of these sites," said Downes. "I immediately contacted brother Hodges. We went into the pastor's study one night when he wasn't there and started up his computer. As it turns out he'd been downloading articles and even printing them out. We also found he'd started up a friendship with a local PCA [Presbyterian Church in America] minister, having coffee with him and things such as that. It was just terrible."

For the time being Hodges has been named interim pastor of Liberty Baptist while Hollingsworth has been placed on "Sabbatical." Hodges, who is supposedly overseeing his "rehabilitation," told TBNN that he has put Hollingsworth on a strict reading diet of Ergun Caner, Dave Hunt and Charles Finney. TBNN was unable to reach Hollingsworth for comment. Hodges further noted that Liberty Baptist is planning to buy the popular Net Finney software to ensure this kind of incident does not happen again.

You Might Be A Calvinist

2008-05-31T15:25:00.011+04:00

Atlanta, Georgia -- Note: TBNN is pleased to have Jeff Foxworthy as Saturday Morning's guest writer.

Jeff: I'm happy to fill in to today for Brother Slawson.

You know, between Lakewood and Lynchburg, there's over 30 million people who I'd call "my people." Many of these folks are Calvinists, they just don't know it. I've designed for today a few little test questions to help you determine if there is a large likelihood that you are a Calvinist. So, if sitting in a tub full of scissors sounds more appealing to you than listening to a Sunday School class share their personal gut feelings about a Bible verse, you are a good candidate.

If you have a Martin Luther Jell-O mold, you just might be a Calvinist.

If your child’s first word was “Westminster”, you just might be a Calvinist.

Or, if you send your mother tulips on Mother’s Day,

… you might be a Calvinist.

If you still remember the 8 speakers in order from the recent T4G conference, or

If a free Bible has ever arrived in the mail to you from John McArthur, or

If you have ever purchased 100 or more copies of the same John Piper book to hand out to random people you meet,

…you just might be a Calvinist.

If you purchased an MP3 player with the sole purpose of downloading sermons, or

If you were shocked to just discover that some people download MP3 files that are not sermons, or

If you have adjusted the default passage setting at www.biblegateway.org from “NIV” to “ESV”

… you might be a Calvinist.

If your preacher says to turn to Obadiah and you do not use the index, or

If you think a 50-minute sermon is too short, or

If you’ve ever heard a wave of groans sweep through Sunday School when you refer to Romans 9,

…you just might be a Calvinist.

If you find yourself talking to the Lord Jesus more than to your family, and

If you find yourself wanting to read your Bible instead of watching television, and

If quotes from Pink, Spurgeon, Luther, Piper, and McArthur pop into your head at random times during the day

…you might be a Calvinist.

If you are confused when someone uses the term “my Bible” as if they only have one, and

If your Bibles must be replaced in less than a year due to pages separating from the spine, and

If you smile, nod and hold your tongue with your teeth after a lively church service when someone says, “God showed up today”

…you might be a Calvinist.

If you’ve ever shouted “YES!” when the pastor says to turn to 1st Thessalonians, and

If you see 6:37 on a digital clock and think of the Lord Jesus’ words in John, and

If you’ve muted a Thanksgiving football game because it’s interfering with your family discussion of Ephesians 1

…you might be a Calvinist.

If you have bookmarked three or more preachers’ scripture index webpages, and

If you’ve ever been banned from a Sunday School class for quoting scripture, and

If you have ever purposefully sung a different word in a hymn to conform to scripture,

… you might be a Calvinist.

If your kids own more Bibles than televisions, and

If your children never ask you “Where are we going?” on Sunday morning, Sunday night, and Wednesday night, and

If you’ve ever read parts of “The Bondage of the Will” to children under ten and prayed that it would change their lives

…you just might be a Calvinist.

If your child received detention at his Christian school after shouting, “But I am a Hedonist Pyromaniac!” or

If your children argue and you require them to listen to a Piper Sermon as punishment, or

If you visit pyromaniacs, tominthebox, spurgeon.org, desiringgod.org, and gty.org, more than once a day, yes…

You just might…. I say you just might…. Yes… you just might be a Calvinist

PWD Raging in Certain Areas, Not Others

2008-05-20T10:00:00.006+04:00

MINNEAPOLIS, MN - Sadness, loss of energy, despondency, decreased appetite, extreme irritability, loss of hope, reduced spiritual zeal. These are all symptoms of a new diagnosis put forth by the American Psychiatric Association (APA). This new diagnosis, named PWD, is unique because it has burst on the scene in specific locations that are not anywhere near each other. Psychiatrists are befuddled by exactly what is going on with PWD, also known as Piper Withdrawal Disorder.

The latest research shows the above combination of symptoms seems to be occurring most frequently in white men ages 18 to 35. As far as location is concerned, the epicenters of PWD are Minneapolis, Louisville, and Philadelphia. On the other hand, not one case has turned up in Houston, Los Angeles, or Lexington.

Toby Willis, a resident of Louisville and also a PWD sufferer, told TBNN, "I'm not sure what is going on. I just don't feel right. My energy is gone, I don't feel happy, and I just want to stay in bed most of the time. Normally, when I feel this way I read a John Piper book to get my spiritual game face on, but since he hasn't written anything in a while, I just can't get going. Last month I thrived on What Jesus Demands from the World, but now I'm stuck in a funk."

Cade Rogers, of Philadelphia, said, "I just can't get enough of Piper. Desiring God really changed my life. I've literally read everything that he has written. After I read The Future of Justification, there wasn't anything left. I was at a dead end. I still am. I don't know what to do. I feel listless and confused. I'm like a compass that isn't working."

The leaders of the American Psychiatric Association are aware of the Piper book issue, and have made a few recommendations in light of this. According to Dr. Warren Goff, of the APA, "If a person is suffering from PWD, we suggest that he try to find another Piper book that he hasn't yet read. If however, he has read all the Piper books, we suggest that he try reading something by RC Sproul, Mark Dever, or maybe the bible. If all else fails, read something by NT Wright just to get you upset. By all means, don't waste your life."

Musical Interlude

2008-05-16T14:32:00.004+04:00

Listen above or you can download the song here.

Click for the lyrics --->

You can't preach that. You can't preach that. You can't preach that.

Bad, bad, bad, bad preaching irks me
So hard, Makes me say, oh my word,
What are, you teaching me?
What am I to try to think, heresy?
It's no good, and it makes me frown,
A really bad exegete breaking it down,
So put it, out of reach
Cuz this kinda stuff, uh, you can't preach

I told you Joel Osteen
You can't preach that

Yeah, that's what you preaching and you know...
You can't preach that

Get a commentary or something...man...
You can't preach that.

Yo, let me bust some exegesis
You can't preach that.

"Send your money, and see
Your bank account grow, you can dress like me.
So move, off of your seat
And get a credit card and catch this beat,
You'll be rolling, hold on,
The blessings come a flowing
You won't know what's going on,
like that, like that
Your bank account growing till it's really really fat,"
Now that's dirty, like sand at the beach
And that kinda stuff, uh, you can't preach.

Yo, I told you Creflo Dollar,
You can't preach that.

Why you keep preaching that man,
You can't preach that.

Yo, read you Bible, it ain't in there man,
You can't preach that.

You want a choice or freedom
Make your decisions, you know you need um.
Now, you know,
If it was up to you you'd always say "no"
You think, you're right
You call us heretics all day and night

So stop your crazy speech,
Cuz that of stuff, uh, you can't preach

That's word Dave Hunt, cuz you know,
You can't preach that

Man, where are you getting all that stuff from?
You can't preach that

Man, why you got to call us heretics?
You can't preach that

Why don't you just go write your Berean Call,
Break it down.

Stop...Schuller time

"Go with the times," it is said,
If you preach like this then your preaching is dead,
So wave your hands in the air
Do what you want, people just don't care.
Just tell them, some tale
About a puppy dog that lost his tail,
Now ready, set, and jump
Just for a minute let's sell lots of junk.

Junk, junk, junk

Yeah,
You can't preach that

Look man,
You can't preach that

You better get right man cus you know you can't
You can't preach that

Read your Bible
School's back in.

Break it down.

Stop...Phelps time...

(long interlude)

You can't preach that
You can't preach that
You can't preach that
Break it down

Stop...listen up

Paul and new perspective, health wealth, prosperity,
Emerging church, gay marriage, and liberality.

Now why would I ever care for this junk,
I listened to these preachers and each one stunk.

They're all around the world
From London to L.A.

It's send me this,
send me that,
send me what you got,
And you're blessing'll come today.

You can't preach that.
You can't preach that.

Break it down

Calvinist Pastor Arrested for "Not Telling the Whole Truth"

2008-04-15T18:00:00.011+04:00

BIRMINGHAM, AL - Pastor David Simmons did not last long at Olive Branch Baptist Church. In fact, last week he was led away in handcuffs.

What was the problem that led to his arrest? The deacon board discovered that Pastor Simmons committed the crime of being a Calvinist.

Chairman of the Deacon Board, Buddy Miller, said, "When we interviewed Pastor Simmons for this job about four months ago, we asked him all sorts of important questions. For example, we asked him how many people he baptized last year. We asked him what he will do to make our church grow. We asked him how he will get more people to come to Sunday School. We asked him who really controls the church. He wanted to discuss more theological issues, but I had no time for that. Later we found out that he didn't tell us the whole truth."

Barbara Welk, a member of the pastoral search committee, informed us, "Pastor Simmons said that he believes in the Baptist Faith and Message 2000. He also said something about a 1689 Confession from London, but I didn't care much about that. As far as missions goes, he made it clear that he would strongly support the International Mission Board. As soon as he said that, I knew he couldn't be a Calvinist. My only concern was when he told us that he was not a big fan of the invitation. That made me wonder a bit."

Deacon Kenny Pines told TBNN, "During one of the interviews, we asked Pastor Simmons if he is a Calvinist. We inquired because we had been told by some other folks to beware of Calvinists trying to infiltrate our church. He answered by asking us what we mean by the word 'Calvinist.' We told him that a Calvinist believes that even if people want to go to heaven, sometimes God doesn't let them. We also told him that Calvinists don't believe in missions, and promote baptizing babies. When he heard that, Pastor Simmons replied, 'If that is what a Calvinist is, then I'm not a Calvinist.' That was a slick move on his part. He pulled the wool right over our eyes."

The truth came out last week when Deacon Pines walked into the pastor's office and caught him reading "Young, Restless, Reformed: A Journalist's Journey with the New Calvinists." After that, it was all over for Pastor Simmons.

Olive Branch WMU director, Faye Watson, is just disgusted about the whole thing. She said, "I just wish Pastor Simmons had been completely honest with us. Yes, he did say that he believes people are completely corrupt. He also told us that God is sovereign over all things, even salvation. He told us that Jesus died for those who are his. That confused me a bit. However, when he said, 'Once you are saved, you are always saved,' I just assumed he was an O.K. guy. Then later on we found out that he is a Calvinist. Even though he had been kind, faithful, hard-working, and a good preacher, he still just had to go."

Before the start of the latest deacons' meeting, Sargeant Phil Gilson, who is also a deacon at Olive Branch, took the pastor away in cuffs. Gilson told TBNN, "You just can't be careful enough with these militant Calvinists."

Newsflash: Lump of Clay Tells Potter What To Do

2008-04-01T18:00:00.010+04:00

SANTA CRUZ, CA - Mr. Winstead Burns, a retired high school art teacher, has been working with clay all of his life. For twenty-five years, he taught teenagers how to take lumps of clay and form them into beautiful works of art. He informed TBNN, "Whenever we began working with clay, the results were the same. Some of the pieces turned out very nice. When that happened, the kids were very pleased with them. They wanted to show them off, and always took the pieces home with them. Unfortunately, some of the other pieces were always a mess. They looked off-center, crooked, and just a wreck. Those pieces certainly missed the mark. They weren't good for much except to be thrown out. Sometimes we just tossed them back into the kiln until they burned up."

Mr. Burns retired three years ago and opened his own pottery shop near the coast. He enjoys spending his days talking with tourists while he spins his wheel and forms new works of art. His life was moving along uneventfully until last week. That's when a lump of clay spoke to him. According to Mr. Burns, "I pulled out a new lump of clay and was about to toss it onto my spinning wheel. That's when the weird thing happened. It just told me what to do. Its exact words were, 'Make sure you make me for honorable use.' Now that scared me a little bit. But it didn't say anything else, so I just did my best and made a nice vase out of it" (see below).

Mr. Burns told us that he immediately contacted the local university, UCSC, but the art department simply did not believe him. Dr. Evelyn Simpson-Wells-Thomas, head of the UCSC art department, told Mr. Burns, "Science has proven scientifically that things like this just can't scientifically happen. Clay scientifically doesn't speak. Miracles don't happen unless we want them to."

Mr. Burns remains convinced of what he heard. "I know what happened that day. I also know what the bible says about this (click here). However, my experience tells me that the clay spoke. There is no doubt about it. He told me what to do. I've never thought of clay as being alive before, but now I have new respect for what I am working with. It's almost like the clay could decide if he wanted to be something honorable or dishonorable. He seemed to have a free will of his own."

Calvin Resurrected; Claims to be 3 and 1/2 Point Calvinist

2008-03-18T16:00:00.002+03:00

GENEVA, SWITZERLAND - In an event that has left the medical community stunned, John Calvin the Reformer (click here to read about a different John Calvin) was resurrected from the dead about three weeks ago. This has been kept silent until today for two reasons. First, because it would cause a media frenzy, Calvin's doctors did not want to immediately release the news to the press. Second, Calvin needed to be brought up to speed on things that have occurred since his death (such as the Puritan movement in England, the Enlightenment, the Industrial revolution, controlled electricity, manned-flight, the wars of the 20th Century, and the iPhone).

Calvin was gracious enough to sit down with TBNN for his initial interview with any media outlet (being Reformed does have some advantages after all). Although his first language is still French, he was kind enough to speak to us using the biblical language, 1611 KJV English (click here). We at TBNN have since translated what he said into modern English so all our readers can understand.

TBNN: Thank you so much for granting us this interview. We are deeply honored. How did this all happen?

Calvin: I have no idea. I just woke up in bed one morning in a hospital in Geneva.

TBNN: Let's jump right into things. Some Protestants today refer to themselves as "Calvinists." What do you think of this?

Calvin: It is actually kind of embarrassing and flattering. Some have said that I was an Augustinian, but I actually just thought of myself as being biblical.

TBNN: Calvinists have taken your teachings and distilled them into an easy to remember acrostic - TULIP. Have you heard of this, and could we ask you what you think of it?

Calvin: I never could fully trust that Theodore Beza. He was such a zealot, always showing up at my door at all times of the day and night. I think he came up with TULIP. Anyway, go ahead and ask me about it.

TBNN: We at TBNN consider ourselves to be Calvinistic. In other words, we hold to the five points of Calvinism. Where do you stand on this issue?

Calvin: This whole thing kind of bugs me. If you read my writings, you know that I wrote about a lot more than just five theological points. Unfortunately, many folks today who refer to themselves as Calvinists actually haven't read what I wrote. For that matter, most of my critics also haven't read my writings. Let's take TULIP point-by-point:

T - I'm torn over this one. I never really did completely figure out the book of Romans. Sorry, for those of you who bought my commentary set. On the one hand, Romans 3:10-11 tells us that no one is righteous or seeks God. On the other hand, Romans 10:9 seems to suggest otherwise. After over 400 years, I'm still unsure. Let's give it half a point.

U - Yes, I agree with this. No one would repent of his own free will. The world's pleasures are too enticing for that to happen. So God decided to choose some to be saved. Ephesians 1:3-5 makes this pretty clear. By the way, to "choose" means to "choose," not to look into the future.

L - No, I don't think there was any limit on the extent of Christ's payment. When Jesus died it was for all people. Look at I John 2:2 and 4:14.

I - A lot of people don't like this doctrine, but I do believe it is true. When an elect person is saved, he is able to see God for how wonderful he is. He would never resist this gift. The reprobate is never convicted of his sin, so his rejection of God is not a rejection of God's grace because it is never offered to him.

P -Yes, "Once saved, always saved" I always say. I think Paul addressed that in Ephesians 1:13-14. The key to remember is that it is God who preserves the elect; they do not do it for themselves.

So I guess you could call me a 3 and 1/2 point Calvinist.

TBNN: Well, we are certainly surprised to hear some of your conclusions. You've given us something to ponder. Now that you are alive, what do you plan to do with your time?

Calvin: I would like to do a lot of reading, and later some writing. I think I'll start with these youngsters John Owen and Jonathan Edwards. I've heard good things about them. Their writings don't look too complicated to me. After I finish with them, I want to move on to a newcomer named John Piper. Most folks seem to either really like him or, well, the opposite.

And by the way, you should be using my Institutes to teach your children's Sunday School classes.

Seminary Fractures over Amyraldism versus Molinism Debate

2008-03-11T17:00:00.005+03:00

WAKE FOREST, NC - Southeastern Baptist Theological Seminary has become just another symptom of the raging debate over Calvinism within the Southern Baptist Convention. The seminary Board of Trustees announced yesterday that the graduate school will be splitting into two separate seminaries beginning in the fall semester. The logistics of this fracture have yet to be worked out.

Dr. Danny Akin, saddened president of Southeastern, told TBNN, "This is a very sad day here at our school. I thought we could work through our problems. However, the theological differences were just too great. We could not, in good conscience, remain together on the same campus."

Several inside sources have shed light on the developing situation at Southeastern. One student, who wished to remain anonymous, said, "Everyone in the SBC knows that we have one Calvinistic seminary (Southern), and two Arminian + perseverance of the saints seminaries (Southwestern and New Orleans). Here at Southeastern, we tried to find a middle ground on this issue. Most of the faculty and staff wanted to affirm both God's sovereignty and man's free will. I thought we had done that. Unfortunately, we still fell into two main camps that could not be reconciled."

Dr. Stephen Walsh, professor of systematic theology at Southeastern, told TBNN, "The more and more we discussed this issue, the more we realized that about 45% of the faculty and students held to Amyraldism (click here to read about it). Another 45% or so believe that Molinism (click here) is most biblical. Fortunately for this campus, we only have about 5% Calvinists and 5% Arminians, so they have to lie low when these things are being discussed."

TBNN spent some time on the Southeastern campus to get a feel for how the students feel about all this. After interviewing about thirty students, we realized that most of them simply do not understand the difference between Amyraldism and Molinism. Jeremy Sanders, second year Southeastern student, said, "I honestly don't know what is going on. I mean, I know God is in control and that I have free will. Those are both obviously somewhere in the bible. As for Amyism and Molism, I don't really know what they mean or what the difference is."

The general consensus on campus is that since Dr. Akin is the president and also holds to Aryraldism, that faction of the seminary will remain on the current campus in Wake Forest. The Molinist group will have to find another location and form a new seminary. The problem for the Molinist group is reportedly that they cannot find any churches who actually hold to their position; therefore, they do not know where to go. They briefly considered joining with First Baptist - Woodstock, but after they found out about the upcoming John 3:16 Conference, they decided that that was not such a good idea.

Through quiet tears, President Akin admitted, "We tried to work out our differences, but in the end you have to choose a hill on which to die. We just couldn't fold to the Molinists. I love some of those men, but we had to stand up for what the bible teaches. We just couldn't continue to fellowship with those that are leaving. In the end, a split was unavoidable."

"What Spurgeon Really Said" To Hit Shelves Soon

2008-02-27T10:27:00.000+03:00

Following comments in Monday's story here at TBNN, the author of What Saint Paul Really Said and What Moses Really Saw, N.T. Wright quickly wrote his latest addition to the world of Christian literature entitled What Spurgeon Really Said. Wright's book examines numerous quotes from the famed 19th-century baptist preacher seemingly indicating that he was a Calvinist. Wright argues that even though the mountain of evidence seems to indicate clearly that Spurgeon was a Calvinist, that we have somehow misunderstood what he was trying to say, that statements such as, "That Christ should offer an atonement and satisfaction for the sins of all men, and that afterwards some of those very men should be punished for the sins for which Christ had already atoned, appears to me to be the most monstrous iniquity that could ever have been imputed to Saturn, to Janus, to the goddess of the Thugs, or to the most diabolical heathen deities." have just been misinterpreted, and that Spurgeon was not necessarily defending the doctrine of particular redemption.

Be sure to pick up your copy of What Spurgeon Really Said today and become even more confused about things that are clear and understandable.

Pro-Reformation Posters

2008-02-25T11:19:00.007+03:00

After the enthusiastic response to last weeks Anti-Calvinism propaganda posters, TBNN is proud to present our own version of Pro-Reformation posters. Please feel free to post these on your website or anywhere you like. We only ask that you keep our web address on there.

Translation: "You, guard against Arminianism!"

72 Bible Verses that Simply Can’t Mean What They Say

2008-02-19T17:00:00.005+03:00

WILMORE, KY –In conjunction with Pensacola Christian College's Anti-Calvinism posters, Asbury Theological Seminary has published a statement that it hopes will assist evangelical churches fend off the increasing threat posed by Calvinism. Asbury, which according to its website “is rooted in the Wesleyan-Arminian theological tradition,” firmly stands against Reformed Theology. In order to stress this point, the faculty recently published a small pamphlet entitled, “72 Bible Verses that Simply Can’t Mean What They Say.”

Asbury President, Dr. Kellsworth Alas, told TBNN, “We believe that God, in His prevenient grace, restores moral sensibility to all humankind and enables all to respond to His love and to accept His saving grace, if they will. Because of that, the verses mentioned in our pamphlet simply cannot mean what they say. We encourage all believers to disregard these 72 verses when they read their bibles. When these particular verses are ignored, it makes it much easier to understand what our heroes, Jacobus Arminius and John Wesley, were talking about."

In the pamphlet, Asbury lists the following 72 verses, but does not offer any explanation.

Isaiah 46:8-10 “Remember this and stand firm, recall it to mind, you transgressors, remember the former things of old; for I am God, and there is no other; I am God, and there is none like me, declaring the end from the beginning and from ancient times things not yet done, saying, ‘My counsel shall stand, and I will accomplish all my purpose.’”

Isaiah 64:6 “We have all become like one who is unclean, and all our righteous deeds are like a polluted garment. We all fade like a leaf, and our iniquities, like the wind, take us away.”

Jeremiah 17:9 “The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?”

Ezekiel 36:26-27 “And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. And I will put my Spirit within you, and cause you to walk in my statutes and be careful to obey my rules.”

Malachi 1:2-3 “‘I have loved you,’ says the LORD. But you say, ‘How have you loved us?’ ‘Is not Esau Jacob's brother?’ declares the LORD. ‘Yet I have loved Jacob, but Esau I have hated. I have laid waste his hill country and left his heritage to jackals of the desert.’”

Matthew 24:31 “And he will send out his angels with a loud trumpet call, and they will gather his elect from the four winds, from one end of heaven to the other.”

John 6:37-40 “All that the Father gives me will come to me, and whoever comes to me I will never cast out. For I have come down from heaven, not to do my own will but the will of him who sent me. And this is the will of him who sent me, that I should lose nothing of all that he has given me, but raise it up on the last day. For this is the will of my Father, that everyone who looks on the Son and believes in him should have eternal life, and I will raise him up on the last day.”

John 10:11 “I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep.”

John 10:27-29 “My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they will never perish, and no one will snatch them out of my hand. My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all, and no one is able to snatch them out of the Father's hand.”

John 17:6-9 “I have manifested your name to the people whom you gave me out of the world. Yours they were, and you gave them to me, and they have kept your word. Now they know that everything that you have given me is from you. For I have given them the words that you gave me, and they have received them and have come to know in truth that I came from you; and they have believed that you sent me. I am praying for them. I am not praying for the world but for those whom you have given me, for they are yours.”

Acts 4:26-28 “The kings of the earth set themselves, and the rulers were gathered together, against the Lord and against his Anointed - for truly in this city there were gathered together against your holy servant Jesus, whom you anointed, both Herod and Pontius Pilate, along with the Gentiles and the peoples of Israel, to do whatever your hand and your plan had predestined to take place.”

Acts 13:48 “And when the Gentiles heard this, they began rejoicing and glorifying the word of the Lord, and as many as were appointed to eternal life believed.”

Acts 16:14 “One who heard us was a woman named Lydia, from the city of Thyatira, a seller of purple goods, who was a worshiper of God. The Lord opened her heart to pay attention to what was said by Paul.”

Romans 3:10-18 “As it is written: ‘None is righteous, no, not one; no one understands; no one seeks for God. All have turned aside; together they have become worthless; no one does good, not even one. Their throat is an open grave; they use their tongues to deceive. The venom of asps is under their lips. Their mouth is full of curses and bitterness. Their feet are swift to shed blood; in their paths are ruin and misery, and the way of peace they have not known. There is no fear of God before their eyes.’”

Romans 5:8 “But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”

Romans 8:29-30 “For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those whom he predestined he also called, and those whom he called he also justified, and those whom he justified he also glorified.”

Romans 9:10-13 “And not only so, but also when Rebecca had conceived children by one man, our forefather Isaac, though they were not yet born and had done nothing either good or bad- in order that God's purpose of election might continue, not because of works but because of his call - she was told, ‘The older will serve the younger.’ As it is written, ‘Jacob I loved, but Esau I hated.’”

Romans 11:7 “What then? Israel failed to obtain what it was seeking. The elect obtained it, but the rest were hardened.”

Romans 11:29 “For the gifts and the calling of God are irrevocable.”

Ephesians 1:4-5 “Even as he chose us in him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before him. In love he predestined us for adoption through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of his will.”

Ephesians 1:13-14 “In him you also, when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation, and believed in him, were sealed with the promised Holy Spirit, who is the guarantee of our inheritance until we acquire possession of it, to the praise of his glory.”

Ephesians 2:1-10 “And you were dead in the trespasses and sins in which you once walked, following the course of this world, following the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that is now at work in the sons of disobedience - among whom we all once lived in the passions of our flesh, carrying out the desires of the body and the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, like the rest of mankind. But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ - by grace you have been saved - and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.”

I Thessalonians 1:4 “For we know, brothers loved by God, that he has chosen you.”

II Thessalonians 2:13-14 “But we ought always to give thanks to God for you, brothers beloved by the Lord, because God chose you as the firstfruits to be saved, through sanctification by the Spirit and belief in the truth. To this he called you through our gospel, so that you may obtain the glory of our Lord Jesus Christ.”

II Timothy 2:24-25 “And the Lord's servant must not be quarrelsome but kind to everyone, able to teach, patiently enduring evil, correcting his opponents with gentleness. God may perhaps grant them repentance leading to a knowledge of the truth.”

Titus 1:15 “To the pure, all things are pure, but to the defiled and unbelieving, nothing is pure; but both their minds and their consciences are defiled.”

I Peter 1:3-5 “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! According to his great mercy, he has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, to an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading, kept in heaven for you, who by God's power are being guarded through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time.”

I John 2:18-19 “Children, it is the last hour, and as you have heard that antichrist is coming, so now many antichrists have come. Therefore we know that it is the last hour. They went out from us, but they were not of us; for if they had been of us, they would have continued with us. But they went out, that it might become plain that they all are not of us.”

Revelation 13:7-8 “Also it was allowed to make war on the saints and to conquer them. And authority was given it over every tribe and people and language and nation, and all who dwell on earth will worship it, everyone whose name has not been written before the foundation of the world in the book of life of the Lamb that was slain.”

Pensacola Christian College Releases New Anti-Calvinism Posters

2008-02-18T10:31:00.007+03:00

Pensacola, Fl - In an effort to dissuade students from falling victim to "the evils of Calvinism," Pensacola Christian College has begun a new "Hearty Persuasion" campaign against the doctrines. The posters which have been placed all over campus show inspiring artistic drawings of people standing firm for free will against the "heresies of Calvin."

Beware the Dangers of PTTBNNWD

2008-01-08T17:00:00.000+03:00

CHATTANOOGA, TN – Fever, Dizziness, Blurred Vision, Lack of Energy and Motivation, Confusion, Frustration. These were all symptoms Donald Burr was suffering from just after the New Year. After seeing his doctor, he received a diagnosis he wasn’t expecting. Mr. Burr was experiencing the first confirmed case of PTTBNNWD (Post Traumatic TomintheBox News Network Withdrawal Disorder).

Mr. Burr is one of TBNN’s most faithful readers. Although he doesn’t comment, he informed us that he reads TBNN everyday, and especially looks forward to Brother Slawson’s Saturday posts.

A bit of background may explain Mr. Burr’s problem. According to Mr. Burr, “I grew up in a typical Baptist church here in Chattanooga. I love the folks and all, but I didn’t know much about the bible or Jesus. Well, a few years ago we got a new guy at work. He was so fired up for God. He kept talking about God’s glory, predestination, and the doctrines of grace. He also kept quoting Edwards and Spurgeon. I was annoyed for a while, but the guy seemed to really believe what he was saying. A few months after he came, he gave me Owen's book called Meditations on the Glory of Christ. After reading that, I’ve never been the same.”

Mr. Burr told TBNN that after reading Owen’s book, he just couldn’t get enough of Reformed Theology. He devoured texts by Calvin, Bunyan, Edwards, Spurgeon, Pink, and Lloyd-Jones. After reading these texts (and his bible from Genesis to Revelation for the first time), he went to his pastor to talk about it. This is when the trouble began.

Donald tells it best, “I was so excited to share with our pastor what I had learned. I have known him for fifteen years, so I thought he would be happy, too. The meeting was great until I told him who I had been reading. When he heard, he frowned and told me that I had to be careful about ‘The Dangers of Calvinism.’ I hadn’t even used the term ‘Calvinism,’ so I wasn’t sure why he even brought it up. I went on to try to talk about our glorious and merciful Lord, but he wouldn’t listen. He just kept telling me that Calvinism was dangerous. When I asked him what was dangerous about it, he told me that Calvinism hurts missions. At that point I gave up.”

After discussing this with Mr. Burr, we tried to contact his pastor by phone. The church secretary told us on five different occasions that the pastor was busy, but later that day we received a faxed statement that reads, “Dear TBNN, we at Bethel Baptist believe in the gospel of Jesus Christ and his GREAT COMMISSION. We discourage any theological system that gets in the way of our GREAT COMMISSION. Thank You.”

Donald told us that he has been struggling a great deal over the last eighteen months at his church. He loves the people, but he has grown very tired of the “Arminian + Perseverance of the Saints” theology that fills the sermons and Sunday School lessons. Mr. Burr desperately felt a need for some sort of Reformed outlet in his life. This is where TBNN comes in.

Mr. Burr discovered TBNN last March through the Founders.org blog. Since that time he has been hooked. Apart from reading Reformed books, and listening to Piper sermons, TBNN is one of the only sources of Reformed Theology Mr. Burr gets. He was doing well until TBNN discontinued service from Christmas through the New Year.

Mr. Burr implored us, “Please don’t stop publishing new posts. I need my TBNN fix every day. It’s gotten to the point that if I don’t see a new post by 10 AM, I begin to worry. If it’s not there by noon, I begin to sweat. I just have to have it. I’m at the point now where Sunday is my least favorite day of the week. Not only do I have to go to my church (my wife loves it at Bethel), but there is no new TBNN that day. I guess I love Brother Slawson so much because I read his posts several times to get me to Monday morning.”

We are happy to report that Donald’s PTTBNNWD disappeared by last Friday, when TBNN had been back up and running for a couple of days. Our recommendation to all our readers is this: do not rely too heavily upon TBNN for your Reformed needs. If your church is stuck in Arminian thought, you may need to go elsewhere. It is not safe to make TBNN your primary source of Reformed (biblical) theology.

Scientist: Recessive Calvinist Trait Reappearing in Certain Environments

2008-01-05T18:11:00.000+03:00

Cambridge, WI – “The results are preliminary,” said scientist Dr. Dredley Melson of the Westford Medical Institute in Cambridge, Wisconsin, whose research may have shed some new light on the age old debate between choice and predestination.

Dr. Melson stumbled on the idea of applying evolutionary ideas to the quinquarticular controversy after his assistant, Sally Wentroupe, was saved at the end of a Joel Osteen television broadcast while flipping channels one Saturday afternoon. “Her experience was much different than I remember my grandparents describing,” said Dr. Melson. “I decided to research this salvation phenomenon by examining parental traits.”

Most of Dr. Melson’s previous research has dealt with the differences in back vertebrate of women and men. He details how evolution has allowed women to develop a particular design which allows them to carry children instead of falling over with the huge burden. “Men would topple with the same load.” (For more information, see, Melson, D.E. 2004. “Men Aren’t Weebles.” The Journal to Find Differences in Males and Females 24:379-408.)

Dr. Melson gave a little history, “Between my epiphanies of realizing that that men and women are not entirely the same, I entertained the possibility that there may also be identifiable distinctions between the Paul’s of the first century and the Caner’s of today.”

“It doesn’t have to be either-or for all men and women through history,” said Wentroupe. “Our research shows a larger number of individuals in recent times are choosing to be saved as I did.”
Dr. Melson points out the similarities between Armenians and early earth dust particles, “The early earth dust particles chose their best by choosing to live and eventually move and reason.”
“Using this reasoning, there should also be evolutions in the way we think. Once men thought up the notion of gods, the initial impulse was to imagine that their gods were in total control. Those thoughts only exist in rare sects of a few religions today.”

Although there has been speculation that a Calvinist gene exists, follow-up studies have not been as promising in isolating a particular gene.

Dr. Melson believes he has proven that the Calvinist doctrine appears in those with a recessive trait that still exists today. “We know that we are the subject of our environment and our genes.” For Calvinists to exist, Dr. Melson argues that the environment must be conducive to cultivating ancient ideas. “There is no doubt in my mind that Calvinists result from placing in a unique environment a person with recessive traits that have been inheriticed from their religious progenitors.”

Dr. Melson reminded us of that 6th grade class in Jr. High where we discovered that breeding two pink tulips, sometimes results in a white tulip. “Sure, we understand how the odds work with recessive traits, but we often fail to remember that it’s the genes plus the environment that make this possible. Attempting to breed tulips in an oven doesn’t work. You still need proper light, water, and soil,” said Melson.

Dr. Melson explained further that it is very difficult to produce a Calvinists in a large auditorium or stadium, where professional soloists entertain, while occasionally singing repetitive word songs with very few words. “Yet, no matter how much we block certain frontal lobe activity in the membership of smaller churches where simple Bible reading takes place week after week on Wednesday nights, Sunday nights as well as in the home and work, in addition to Sunday mornings, Calvinists seem to thrive.”

TBNN agrees with Dr. Melson that the existence of certain visible physical traits are counter to modern evolutionary thought. “It’s almost laughable, from the looks of Calvinists. I often a wonder how such characters continue to procreate. The laws of physical nature are broken repeated. Scientists know that the female of almost all species look for symmetrical physical traits in a mate.” Dr. Melson finds only 2.4% of Calvinists men fall in the range (margin of error +/- 3%) to be considered physically symmetrical (i.e. attractive). “It’s almost as if they are truly predestined.”

Don't Miss The "Amazing Air-Gun"!!!!

2008-01-04T09:17:00.000+03:00

You've heard him rant against Calvinisim. You've seen him tasered live on stage. Now see the amazing Air-Gun Caner like you've never seen him before! You'll not want to miss "The Amazing Air-Gun and His Traveling Arminian Circus!"

Watch and listen in awe and wonder as The Amazing Air-Gun makes profound theological points and backs them up with the most amazing illustrations out there today! You'll not want to miss the amazing feats such as...

-Bungee jumping over a pit of live alligators (illustrating the virgin birth)
-Setting himself on fire (illustrating the perils of Calvinisim)
-Being sawed in half (illustrating the rapture)
-Being buried alive beneath an ant bed while covered in honey (illustrating the parable of the Sower and the Seed)
-Making himself float (illustrating the parting of the Red Sea)

Also watch in amazement as The Amazing Air-Gun makes the collected works of John Owen disappear live on stage!

And you want want to miss his grand finale when he offers an invitation by being fired out of a cannon through five rings of fire into a tank of piranhas.

Be sure not to miss the Biblical exposition of a lifetime. When "The Amazing Air-Gun and His Traveling Arminian Circus" comes to town!

Ahmadinejad Declares, "I'm a Calvinist"

2007-11-27T17:00:00.002+03:00

TEHRAN, IRAN - President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad stunned both the Islamic and Christian worlds yesterday by announcing that he is a 5-point Calvinist.

According to a speech given outside his personal residence, Ahmadinejad stated in Farsi, "Earlier in my life I spent some time reading the bible in order to refute it. Most of it, especially the New Testament, seems ridiculous to me - all that talk about a God of love and grace. What nonsense! However, I did find a few pieces of truth. Both Ephesians 1 and Romans 9 described my situation perfectly."

At this point in the speech, several college students standing nearby began to murmur negatively about what the president was saying. In response, Ahmadinejad reassured them that he has always been a good Muslim. For example, he believes in the 5 pillars (even if he doesn't actually practice all of them), wants Israel destroyed, denies the Holocaust, was involved in the takeover of the U.S. embassy in 1979, and directly supported the 9/11 attacks.

The president continued, "As I was reading Romans and Ephesians, it became clear to me that before the world began God chose those who would be saved. This is so clear that I do not see what all the argument is about. God predestined some to love and serve Him. All the other people would be reprobate. They would be destined for Hell. Since I reject the God of the bible, then I must be part of the reprobate. Since I believe this is true, I must be a Calvinist. In fact, I'm a Supralapsarian. From now on, you can all refer to me as President Esau."

"Actually," continued the president, "what I am seeing is that Calvinism and Islam go well together. I realize now that all 1 billion Muslims in the world are not part of the elect. According to the bible, we followers of Allah have all been rejected by God. Of course, I see that my situation is different from most Calvinists. From what I have read on the internet, all other Calvinists believe that they are, in fact, part of the elect. As far as I can tell, I am the only Calvinist who claims to be part of the reprobate. That's fine because I know that Allah is pleased by my righteous life."

In reaction to Ahmadinejad's claims, Asbury Seminary put forth the following statement, "This is just another example of the dangers of Calvinism. When the leader of a terrorist state claims to be a follower of John Calvin, something is really wrong. If a person can be Islamic and Calvinistic at the same time, then Calvinism must be heretical. This is why we follow the teachings of John Wesley."

At the close of the speech, we at TBNN managed to ask President Ahmadinejad if he thought God's promises in Romans 11 still applied to Israel today. He responded, "Those promises only refer to the Israel of the Old Testament. And anyway, Romans 11 is from a corrupted text."

Yahoo Accused of Giving PCC Administration Information on Calvinist Dissidents

2007-11-09T17:24:00.000+03:00

Sunnyvale, California - The Internet "giant" Yahoo has recently come under fire by former Pensacola Christian College students who say they were "turned in" to the school's administration for maintaining an online forum which discussed and supported Reformed doctrine.

"We feel betrayed" said former student Mark Hudson.

Hudson, along with seven other students were recently asked to leave the school after the administration discovered that they were secretly maintaining the web forum. The site, called "The Calvinist Underground" was frequented by a number of "closet Calvinists" at many Independent Fundamentalist Schools around the country. The site often contained frustrations expressed by the students that if their true beliefs were to be expressed they would be pressured to leave their respective schools.

When Hudson and the other students were called into the Vice President's office, they had no idea what they had done.

"We thought maybe we were in trouble for walking on the grass or something" said Hudson. "We were prepared to take the punishment, but suddenly we were confronted with the question 'Gentlemen, is this your website?' We were shocked, because online we only used aliases. We didn't know it at the time, but they had been informed."

Since the students have left the school, they have since discovered that the school's administration was able to obtain their information through Yahoo.

"We don't know exactly how they did it, but they were able to contact Yahoo and get our real names" said Hudson. "We feel that this is a serious breach of privacy."

Hudson now fears for the other students that frequented the board.

"We had students from Liberty University, Hyles-Anderson College, and Baptist Bible College" said Hudson. "We don't know if their schools will simply be able to do the same thing and find out who these poor students are and they will get in trouble."

TBNN tried repeatedly to contact Yahoo, but no one was available for comment.

Caner Proposes "New and Improved" 95 Theses

2007-10-30T17:00:00.000+03:00

LYNCHBURG, VA - Ergun Caner, president of Liberty Theological Seminary, stunned the evangelical world yesterday by proposing a "new and improved" version of Martin Luther's 95 Theses.

According to Caner, "On October 31st, 1517, Martin Luther protested against the abuses of the Roman Catholic Church in Europe. In the spirit of Luther, I today protest against the abuses of Calvinism in America."

What are these "new and improved" theses? TBNN has read through Dr. Caner's list, and we have listed below those we think are the most significant:

1) When our Lord and Master, Jesus Christ, said "Repent," He desired for the whole world to freely turn to Him.

5) John Piper, Al Mohler, and Mark Dever do not have the power to force Calvinism on evangelical churches in this country.

24) It must therefore be the case that the major part of the people (Calvinists) are deceived by those leaders proclaiming the sovereignty of God over salvation.

37) Any true Christian whatsoever has the right to reject God whenever he chooses.

53) Those are enemies of Christ who forbid the notion that God desires that all people everywhere be saved.

65) Therefore the treasures of the gospel are nets which are spread out everywhere for all men.

71) Let him be anathema and accursed who denies a general atonement of Christ.

92) Away, then, with those prophets who say to Christ's people, "God's grace is irresistible."

Caner concluded by saying, "May these new and improved theses lead to a new Reformation in this country. May we gain a greater view of the love and mercy of God through a more biblical view of the grace of God."

After the speech, one rebellious Liberty student was overhead asking Dr. Caner why he thought Martin Luther wrote his famous work On the Bondage of the Will. Caner responded, "Nobody, not even me, is right about everything."

Later in the day, at a meeting of the Liberty Arminian Defense Club (LADC), Caner announced that on Wednesday, Reformation Day, he will sticky-tack his document to the front door of Capitol Hill Baptist Church in Washington, DC. What does he hope to accomplish? "We need to confront this heresy at its front door!"

When told of Caner's plan, Mark Dever responded, "The Calvinator is one tough guy. We'll have to trust in the sovereignty of God to stop him."