Tominthebox News Network - Religious Humor/Satire

Satire Sniffer Now Available for Special Discount (Especially for Atheists)

2009-05-21T14:00:00.000+04:00

For a limited time, TBNN is offering the Satire Sniffer at a special discounted price (just $19.99 + shipping and tax).

The reason for this offer is that some of our occasional readers struggle with understanding what is satire and what is not. We want to help. The Satire Sniffer is a special detection device that highlights whatever portions of a passage are satirical. For example, if someone is reading TBNN, all of the post will show up in yellow highlighter.

We especially want to extend this offer to our atheistic readers. If you happen to take things a bit too seriously, the Satire Sniffer can really help. This program will assist you in relaxing and not being quite so angry. Why? The reason is that you will no longer think satire is actually serious. Because of our desire to help, we will take an additional $10.00 off the already discounted price if you can prove that you are an atheist. That amounts to a price of only $9.99!

If you are interested in purchasing a copy of the Satire Sniffer, please simply e-mail TBNN.

Advertisement: Unsaved On Board Signs

2009-02-28T09:34:00.013+03:00

Some of you may remember the old "Baby On Board" signs from the late 1980s and early 1990s. Those bright yellow "Baby on Board" signs used to alert other motorists to drive safely because a small child is on board.

Well, what can you do when all those babies are all grown up? They are no longer babies, so you can no longer use those old signs. That's obvious. What if you are not a baby, but you'd like others to be careful around you?

Regardless of who you are, have you ever thought about this from an eternal perspective? The threat of danger for an unsaved teenager, young adult, or even an older person is more serious now than it ever was when he or she was a baby. Don't you want other motorists to drive at least as safely for your unsaved loved one as they did for your baby?

The folks at Safety First have worked with Lifeway to develop an onboard sign to eliminate exactly those fears. It's the new Unsaved On Board warning sign for your car window.

When your teenager or adult child asks to borrow the car, don't cringe. Just say "Yes." But as you say "Yes," and hand them the keys also hand them the "Unsaved On Board" warning sign for protection.

Sandy Watson, Vice President of Public Relations for Safety First believes the Unsaved On Board signs can simultaneously be used as a safety precaution and a witnessing tool. "It's a constant reminder for those unsaved young drivers that they are lost. It can also be placed next to a young child once they reach the age of accountability." Note: see denominational leaders for the proper age of accountability for your denomination.

Krissy Wilkens, 14, was saved shortly after her mother, Jessica, began placing the sign on the window next to her seat in the minivan. "It was like I couldn't like think of anything else as she drove me to school or whatever that first week," said Krissy. Krissy was baptized exactly one month from the day her mother began using the sign.

Ms. Wilma Martingale, 72, bought two for herself. "I've been faithfully attending church for 40 years now and am hoping the Lord will save me one day. I can't count the number of times I thought I trusted the Lord, but then doubted the moment of my salvation on the ride home. So, until the Lord saves me for certain, I want other drivers on the road to be extra careful."

So get your Unsaved On Board sign today. Affixes to the inside of your car window with an easy on/off suction cup. Patented by Safety First. Measures 7" x 5". Sold in packs of two. $5.95 retail in most Lifeway stores.

From The Makers of UNO: I Prayed About It Cards

2008-11-15T16:35:00.008+03:00

Have you ever been in the middle of a card game and found yourself 1 card short? Need a blue 2? A queen of hearts? A four of any suit? A wild draw 4? A Rook? Ever been told “go fish”? Ever draw the old maid?

Well, whatever your card game, if you are a Christian you are qualified to use the new I Prayed About It Cards from the makers of UNO.

I Prayed About It Cards are for use with any card game. It’s simple! At any time, in any place, during a card game of any kind, simply play an I Prayed About It Card while telling the other participants the current thoughts running through your mind.

You are a Christian, right? Well, if you are a true Christian who is currently prayed up and in the spirit, then your thoughts are coming directly from the Lord. You should feel confident to share your God-revealed thoughts with others, especially if your thoughts involve the actions or commitments of others. It’s really your duty to tell them. But rather than just using the phrase, “I prayed about it,” build your confidence by simultaneously playing an I Prayed About It Card.

In a game of Spades, for example, if you really feel like you should be playing the ace of spades, but you don’t have the actual ace of spades that came with the card deck, it’s okay. Relax. Dwell for a few minutes in the thought of what you’d like to do. Dwell on the goodness of winning the game. If this seems right to you, reach into your shirt pocket and play the I Prayed About It Card. Just say, “I prayed about it, and I’m playing this card as the ace of spades” as you play your I Prayed About It Card.

By playing an I Prayed About It Card, you have the power to ignore any rule or rules of the regular game. In fact, no one else should disrespectfully speak in dissent of your revelation. No one else should even be allowed to ask questions. Just make sure that you are fully prayed up and in the Spirit before you play the card. Remember, when you play an I Prayed About It Card, remain confident and never question yourself that your thoughts are truly direct messages and interpretations of life choices from the Lord.

Note: The cards have also been used outside of card games. For example, the cards can also be used in church meetings, especially if the answer to prayer involves the efforts and energies of others.

Have a direct message for your pastor? Walk up to him, hand him a card, and say “I prayed about it and I believe we should start [insert name of new program or ministry that has been directly revealed to you].”

So, don't forget yourself this Christmas. Place a little something in your own stocking. Get your very own I Prayed About It Cards, from the makers of UNO. Available soon in stores everywhere.

Pray Hands-Free Without Ceasing

2008-09-13T00:55:00.039+04:00

Tired of people staring as you walk through stores praying aloud?

Does the constant movement of your mouth while supplicating during rush-hour traffic cause you to be the recipient of funny looks or strange gestures?

You may be able to solve these problems associated with constant-prayer for as little as $2.49, depending on earsize.*

It's the amazing new hands-free Pray Without Ceasing Earpiece.

Over 400,000 have already been sold across the United States. You have probably unwittingly seen our customers in airports, on the road, in malls, or even in theaters.** But, you may not have realized that the users were praying because you assumed they were talking on a hands free phone.

Never be embarrassed for constantly praying again. Order your Pray Without Ceasing Earpiece today!

Ever been in a tight situation, but didn't have time to stop, fold your hands, and kneel? Don't worry, with the hands-free Pray Without Ceasing Earpiece, you can tell those around you "just a second" and walk out of the room or outside and start praying immediately.

The Pray Without Ceasing Earpiece fits comfortably over your ear, much like many of the namebrand Bluetooth single-ear headsets.

Martha Jefferson, a Pray Without Ceasing Earpiece customer in Pennsylvania, was pulled over by a state trooper and almost ticketed for cell phone usage while driving. "It looks so real! It took me a few minutes before convincing the officer that I was praying and not talking on the cell phone. After I admitted that I was talking to God, he let me go with a warning. I'm never leaving home without my Pray Without Ceasing Earpiece."

Call 1800.555.PRAY now and receive a 30-day free trial with no obligation.

*Plus $13.95 s&h
**Not recommended for quiet restrooms

Unpaid Advertisement: Body Stopper Helps You Worship Without "Dancing"

2008-09-05T08:43:00.004+04:00

You know how it is. Your standing in church on a Sunday morning singing "And Can it Be." The Organ is full and loud and the congregation is singing out as the last verse beings. But just then it hits you, the shock and horror as you realize what you're doing. Perhaps it seems innocent to many, perhaps even absurd to some that you would even find it a problem, but you know in your heart of hearts that you are dreadfully close to breaking the regulative principle of worship...you are tapping your foot.

Yes friends, slight sways, foot taps, subtle nods of the head on downbeats even an impassioned clinching of the fist as reactions to singing hymns can bring you to the threshold of breaking into an all out liturgical dance. Well now there's a way to put an end to these sinful practices. Phundy-Phuddy Restraining Products is proud to introduce The Body Stopper.

The Body Stopper ensures that during traditional worship you never come close to making the slightest movement that could be interpreted in any way as responding bodily to music. The Body Stopper's intricate system of chains and locks will keep your body firmly secure during worship, firmly prohibiting you from moving any part of your body except your mouth. The Body Stopper system even includes the patented Toe Lock system which firmly prevents any secretive toe tapping inside of your shoes.

Finally, experience the freedom of being able to worship without the fear of dancing! Order your Body Stopper today for only three easy payments of $99.99*.

*Optional eye restraints available for an additional payment of $59.99 if blinking in time to the music is a problem.

New Bible Body Spray

2008-08-30T05:28:00.012+04:00

Women, the secret is out! New Bible is in! Want to cover up embarrassing odor without attracting the wrong kind of man? Why take a chance with unbiblical sprays? Smell like a new Bible with New Bible Body Spray for Women.

Attention men! Want to be a promise keeper, but still looking for a Proverbs 31 woman to help you keep your promise? You’ll never find one with an axe under your arm or old spices on your face. Have the confidence to smell like a new Bible all day, with New Bible Body Spray for Men.

Everyone rightly wants to guard against odor and sweat. But strong Christians should be extra careful to avoid inciting secular advances with those unscriptural body sprays.

Just purchase New Bible Body Spray and you'll never again be confined to the Bible section of bookstores on Friday and Saturday night. You'll know immediately when that soon-to-be special someone walks by, even if you are in the grocery store or Blockbuster. New Bible Body Spray is specially formulated to emit the scent of a fresh Bible straight off the Lifeway shelf.

Most Christians know that wonderful scent of a fresh, new Bible. If they don’t, they are probably not real Christians. Seeker sensitive Christians use New Bible Body Spray.

So, go ahead. Put your Bible away and relax in your favorite coffee shop with a Sports Illustrated or Homes & Gardens. Do not sit there for hours with your Bible open, waiting to be spotted by another Christian. The specially formulated New Bible scent will be with you wherever you go.

Remember: New Bible Body Spray “It’s For Strong Christians.”

Note: If you are more likely to experience a downpour of sweat than simply perspire, try the New Amplified Bible Body Spray.

Tyndale Switches to the “Two Lifetimes Bible”

2008-08-12T08:00:00.001+04:00

In light of the recent failure of The One Week Bible, Tyndale House Publishers has decided to take on another project that it hopes will be much more successful. Tyndale Vice President of marketing Roger Schultz told TBNN, “After thinking this over for a few days, we now realize that we set the bar far too high. We made the mistake of expecting American Christians to actually read. Sadly, we are now willing to admit that most followers of Christ simply don’t read – and that includes the bible. Since we are a publishing house, we have to put forth books, but we can also lower our expectations. This is what we have done in our planned Two Lifetimes Bible.”

Tyndale’s new plan is to challenge readers to take two lifetimes to read through the bible one time. This takes the pressure off. For example, if someone buys the bible but then forgets to read any of it for a few months or years, it doesn’t really matter. After all, they have another full lifetime to get through it.

Jeremy Sanders, a member of Campus Crusade for Christ at the University of Texas, said, “I have to be honest. I was scared-off by Tyndale’s One Week Bible. A few guys on campus were going to try it, but I thought, ‘No way.’ That was way more than I could deal with. But then when I heard about the Two Lifetimes Bible I figured I could handle that."

As part of Tyndale’s new format, the bible will be both large in size and font. The reason for this is that it makes the reader feel like he has read a lot even if he just glances over a few verses. Also, having a really big bible around the house helps reduce a person’s guilt for not actually reading it.

Brooke Reese, layout editor at Tyndale, told TBNN, “Part of the purpose of this bible is to take away guilt. God didn’t intend for us to feel guilty – He wants us to be happy. This bible will help with that. You can just read a verse or two per week and you’ll feel great. And even if you never make it through, it’s O.K. You’ve always got that second lifetime to make up for it.”

Tyndale expects to release this new bible just before spring break 2009. According to V.P. Schultz, “We figure that more than a few Christian college students will like to purchase this bible just before they travel to places like Daytona or Miami to act like pagans for a week. Just knowing that this bible is waiting for them back home will soothe their consciences. Once home, they can read a verse or two and feel all better again. I think we’re going to have some really big sales. We hope this will cover our losses from the One Week Bible.”

"The One Week Bible" Not Catching On

2008-08-08T09:30:00.002+04:00

Carol Stream, Il - Tyndale House Publishers reported on Thursday that since the release of The One Week Bible three months ago sales have been "significantly less than expected." Sales reports for the first quarter show that a mere 13 copies have sold since The One Week Bible hit the shelves in May.

Many are already familiar with the popular One Year Bible, available in a variety of translations and conveniently divided into 365 daily readings taking approximately 30-35 minutes each, allowing the reader to steadily read through the whole Bible in a period of one year. But The One Week Bible is designed to be much more "intense," dividing the Bible into seven readings of roughly 10 hours and 20 minutes thus allowing a person to read the whole Bible in one week.

The idea for The One Week Bible was developed over the last year at Tyndale House. Various audio Bibles that have been released have shown that the Bible can be read through from beginning to end in about 72 hours. With this in mind Tyndale set out to release a Bible for people who wanted a more "intense reading" of Scripture. Tyndale first designed and test marketed The Three Day Bible, in which the Bible was conveniently divided into three "daily" readings of about 24 hours each, but the product was received rather poorly. Tyndale then began working on The One Week Bible hoping to attract a larger audience.

But now the extremely poor sales have become a major concern for Tyndale House. Having printed over 40,000 copies and having only sold 13, marketing directors are beginning to question whether or not the release of The One Week Bible was the wisest course of action.

"We knew going in that this was going to be for a particular market, but we weren't expecting sales to be this low," said Tyndale Vice President of marketing Roger Schultz. "We're going to try and restructure some of our approaches to marketing and see what develops. Perhaps we need to target more specific audiences with, say, The One Week Women's Bible or The One Week Teen Extreme Bible."

The Treasure Shed

2008-08-02T04:00:00.011+04:00

El Pano, GA -- In the Sermon on the Mount, the Lord Jesus said, “Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal…”

So maybe you’ve read this passage and wondered like millions of others, “Just where exactly can I lay up my treasures on earth?”

Could there actually be a moth-free and rust-free way of storing treasure while also having no worries about theft? Well, the scripture theologians at Creflo Dollar Ministries have partnered with the handyman experts of Lowe’s to make a mark that cannot be erased.

“We’ve built something fabulous together,” said Dr. Creflo Dollar,

“It’s a solution for change and understanding life,” said Mark Hamilton, Lowe’s manager in El Pano, Georgia.

The Treasure Shed is the only answer for your earthly treasures. It’s the only moth-proof, rust-proof, and thief-proof shed on the market today. Each Treasure Shed is assembled by Lowe’s craftsmen and anointed by Dr. Dollar.**

“If you’ve already helped God to realize His will in your life through abundant wealth, why not do what Jesus suggests and properly protect your wealth from the harsh elements of the earth?,” asks Dollar.

The smaller 3 x 3 ft. Treasure Shed is just perfect for hoards of cash, diamonds, and old gold teeth.

The mid-sized 6 x 8 Treasure Shed can hold normal sized items such as racks of polyester suits, shelves of oversized wigs, and/or any golden thrones you currently have laying around.

Each 15 x 30 Treasure Shed is perfect for an extra Royles Royce.

The giant custom-made-to-order Treasure Shed is useful for much larger items, such as private planes.

“The Bible says that wealth is stored up for the righteous (Prov 13:22),” explains Dr. Dollar. “You’ve seized the wealth and riches that have come your way, so take the practical steps to store them up as the Bible says. Protect your treasures from Satan's three biggest weapons against your righteous treasures. Protect yourself against the moth, the rust, and the thief. Buy your Treasure Shed today!"

**Sometimes Dr. Dollar proxies are used.

Todd Bentley Study Bible Set for Release

2008-07-28T09:41:00.000+04:00

Lakeland, Fl - Charismatic and controversial evangelist Todd Bentley announced on Sunday the up-and-coming release of the Todd Bentley Shaka-Laka-Bam Fresh Fire Kick You in the Face Lakeland Revival Study Bible. For months since the beginning of the so-called "revival" led by Bentley in Lakeland many have criticized his methods and message as being unbiblical. But with the release of the TBSLBFFKYFLRSB, Bentley promises that everything will be made clear.

"There are so many out there who are criticizing my work here, which is the work of God of course," said Bentley. "They point to passages here and there, and they totally forget the fact that God talks to me directly, therefore I get extra stuff that's not in the regular Bible, and people should just accept that what I say is true and from God. So what I've done here is put together my own version of the Bible with my own writings, therefore we can say that what we're doing down here is 'Biblical' and no one can question it."

TBNN was able to obtain a copy of the TBSLBFFKYFLRSB. One verse includes Bentley's own version of the "Great Commission."

"Behold, all authority is given to you in heaven and on earth, go therefore into all the world and beat the living snot out of people in my name, kicking old ladies in the face, tackling Filipinos until their teeth pop out, and kneeing people in the stomach, baptizing them in the name of the Father, the Son and the Shaka-laka-bam!" - The Gospel According to Bentley 23:4

The TBSLBFFKYFLRSB is expected to go on sale by the end of the week during Bentley's "revival" meetings for $149.95. Each paperback copy will supposedly "heal any sickness or disease."

New Test Your Church Kits

2008-05-24T16:00:00.000+04:00

New from the Discernment Experts is the patent-pending Test Your Church Kit.

Does your church care about you? No, not just with lip service. We do not mean with emails or newsletters; not in those superficial senses. We mean, does your church (including your pastor, your deacons, your church leaders, and the members of Sunday School) really truly care?

Do you get a peculiar feeling behind your right ear on occasion? You know, like a bad vibe when you try to greet your pastor? Does he get that certain look in his eyes as if he does not honestly want to see you right now? Do you sense coldness in his voice during phone conversations? Or worse, do you feel confident that the pastor is using his caller ID to avoid your calls?

Are you concerned that no one would visit if you were in the hospital? Would anyone care? Were the birthday cards from your deacon printed on high-quality paper or purchased in a pack? Did you enter the church with a sad look on your face last Sunday and end up leaving with no one having asked you what was wrong?

If these questions pop into your head often, it is probably no coincidence that you have been led to this ad today. Perhaps you have attempted to find honest answers to these questions. Perhaps you have even asked your pastor if anything is wrong only to hear him respond unemotionally with something like “everything’s fine.” Perhaps you know things are not fine, but you cannot prove it... well... not on your own that is. At least not until you order your very own Test Your Church Kit from Discernment Experts.

The folks at Discernment Experts have the discernment expertise that will enable you to answer these and many other questions. Why not let the folks at Discernment Experts help you find the answers?

We have the knowledge: All members of the Discernment Expert’s team have read the Bible through at least 6 times.

We have the expertise: All members of the Discernment Expert’s team have successfully removed at least one unbiblical pastor from their congregation.

We have the time: All members of the Discernment Expert’s team have a 1-900 number and are available to you 24/7.

The Test Your Church Kit includes:

· A DVD that explains everything in your Test Your Church Kit.

· A 30 page workbook for recording 1 month’s worth of raw test results.

· A pocket sized voice recorder so you can immediately record your thoughts on the way home after church.

· Scripted voice messages that you can leave on your Pastor’s or Deacon’s voicemail to test them.

· A stopwatch to see how quickly your Pastor or Deacon responds.

· Your personal logon and password for 24/7 access to the Discernment Experts’ Test Your Church website.

· Downloadable email messages for you to send to members of your Sunday School class directly from our website. We’ll track the response times for you.

· Step-by-Step instructions for how your relatives (visiting from out of town) can help with your testing by acting as if they are local visitors.

· A Quick-Start Guide of 10 things you can start doing today to get immediate answers, including (1) The Simulated Stranded Vehicle Test--let the air out of a tire on the interstate entrance ramp, and (2) The Simulated Emergency Room Visit—call your deacon and wait in the emergency room until you see someone from the church. Then act as if you were just leaving.

· For longer experiments, try the Skip Church for One Month and See Who Notices routine.

Look for Test Your Church Kits in Lifeway stores beginning in early June. Retail price $99.99.

If you enjoy the Test Your Church Kit, keep your eyes open for the Test Your Spouse Kite, Test Your Kids Kit, and the Test Your Parents Kit in time for Christmas. Look next summer for the early-detection Earnest Pastor Tests (EPT). Know the earliest possible moment if your pastor is lying.

CBD Introduces New "John 3:16 Bible"

2008-05-13T10:00:00.005+04:00

CBD announced this week the exciting arrival of its newest product, the "John 3:16 Bible."

CBD Chairman Bill Moss, told TBNN, "This is usually a down time of year for our overall sales, so we are thrilled to be launching this new product at this time. During the summer months, with people so busy traveling, they don't have much time to read. Also, there are no holidays for giving gifts. CBD needs this new bible now to boost our stock offerings."

The "John 3:16 Bible" offers its buyers a quick and easy source for the only bible verse they usually know. It's easy to carry around because it only has twenty pages. Each page provides a different translation of the special verse. For example, page one has the Greek, page two the KJV, page three the NKJV, page four the NIV, page five the ESV, etc.

On the final page (20), you will find The Message version of John 3:16. Since The Message is the most popular bible version, it will be easy to find - just inside the back cover.

Below is a sampling of what the new bible looks like on the inside:

Page 2: "For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life." KJV

Page 4: "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life." NIV

Page 6: "For God loved the world in this way: He gave His One and Only Son, so that everyone who believes in Him will not perish but have eternal life." HCSB

Page 10: "For God so loved the world that he gave his only Son, so that everyone who believes in him may not perish but may have eternal life." NRSV

Page 15: "For God so loved the world that he gave his only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life." NLT

Page 20: "This is how much God loved the world: He gave his Son, his one and only Son. And this is why: so that no one need be destroyed; by believing in him, anyone can have a whole and lasting life." The Message

United Methodist Pastor Jim Ulmer, after trying out the "John 3:16 Bible," said, "This is a gift I have been waiting for. What a relief. I find myself constantly turning to this verse. In fact, it is what I preach from just about every week. I have frequently wanted an easier way to get to John 3:16, and now I have it!"

Duke Divinity School President Dr. Mark Little is also excited. "Our students frequently engage in debates with those of the Calvinistic persuasion. The strategy we employ is simple. No matter what the Calvinist says, no matter what bible passage he brings up, no matter what historical document he references, no matter what he says about biblical context, we simply quote John 3:16. For us, that answers the question and wins the debate. We don't even have to put much thought or effort into it. We just quote John 3:16. This new bible will further enhance our debate skills."

CBD informed TBNN that if the "John 3:16 Bible" is a big seller, then next year they may release a sequel - the "II Peter 3:9 Bible."

Try New Buffalo Bob's Man-Sized Texas-Style Communion Wafers!

2008-05-01T20:48:00.003+04:00

Whether you've worked a hard week of cow-punching on the ranch, shoveling dirt on the job site or breaking bones on the gridiron, you need something more on Sundays than that tiny piece of bread they give you at church. Let's face it, by the time the end of the service rolls around you're hungry and need something to tide you over till you get home and have your fried chicken.

Well, if you're tired of puny little bits of communion bread tell your church to get Buffalo Bob's Man-Sized Texas-Style Communion Wafers today. Buffalo Bob's uses only the finest high-quality ingredients to produce the largest and most buttery flavored* communion wafers on the market today. Weighing in at just under a quarter of a pound each Buffalo Bob's Man-Sized Texas-Style Communion Wafer lets you get both spiritually and physically filled.

So what are you waiting for? Call a deacons meeting, talk to your pastor, threaten your elders to get Buffalo Bob's Man-Sized Texas-Style Communion Wafers before next Sunday.

*Also available in honey wheat and pesto.

Sermroids, Preaching Enhancement Supplement

2008-04-30T20:10:00.005+04:00

Tired of only preaching mediocre sermons that lack the punch it takes to really wow your members? Tired of envying great preachers like Joel Osteen, T.D. Jakes and Robert Schuller? Maybe you've tried reading books, brushing up on your Greek and Hebrew even throwing out the pulpit in exchange for a hip music stand and wireless headset mic, but you still just can't capture that powerful preacher demeanor.

Well now you can become a top-notch powerful preacher without all of the bother of studying and improving your techniques. New Sermroids preaching enhancement supplement can help you beef up your sermons to an optimum level of strength.

Whatch your congregations grow. Get more "Amens" out of every sermon. See more new visitors and members every week. Your sermons will get stronger than ever!

Note: Sermroids is an illegal substance! The purchase, sale and taking of this substance is strictly prohibited by law. Be sure to keep your Sermroids well-hidden. Side effects may include aggression, mood swings and back hair.

"Build-Your-Own-Belief-System" a Huge Success

2008-04-22T18:00:00.004+04:00

GRAND RAPIDS, MI - First, there was "Build-A-Bear." Then, there was "Build-A-Bible" (click here to remember that one). Now, there is "Build-Your-Own-Belief-System."

Zondervan has announced the huge success of its most recent product: The Build-Your-Own-Belief-System Handbook. Ms. Peggy Shoeman, representing Zondervan, told TBNN, "Over this past four months, the sales of our new handbook surpassed all of our expectations. In fact, only The Message has sold better."

The handbook jacket gives a brief description, saying, "Are you struggling to know what to believe? Do you sense that there is something spiritual about the universe, but don't know where to turn? Have you not yet determined what god exists or how he should relate to you? If you need help, this book has the answers for you.

"This handbook provides helpful pictures (shown here) that illustrate for the reader the relationships of the various world religions to god. Since all religions work together and essentially mean the same thing, this frees the reader up to construct what he wants to believe. In that sense, reading this book is a very liberating experience."

The first few chapters of Zondervan's new masterpiece walk the reader through current belief systems, showing how they really don't have any significant differences. Then, the reader is challenged to journey through 10 simple steps that lead to a new belief system. The steps are as follows:

1. Rid your mind of all previous thoughts.
2. Reject all previous dogmatic religious ideas.
3. Watch an episode of Oprah.
4. Analyze how you feel.
5. Determine what you want.
6. Take a hard look at your felt-needs.
7. Pull what you need from different world religions.
8. Be creative.
9. Construct a belief system that meets your needs.
10. Enjoy!

Billy Dunn, student at Grand Rapids Tech., told us, "Before I read this book, I was very confused about God. I felt guilty and troubled much of the time. I knew something wasn't right but I couldn't put my finger on it. But now, after reading this book, I've learned how to build what I believe. After much study and meditation, I've come to the conclusion that Martians actually dropped off my family on earth about three centuries ago. Therefore, I'm a god. Now I no longer have guilt!"

Advertisement: Tetzel's Pretzels - Indulge Your Taste Buds!

2008-04-16T10:58:00.004+04:00

They're delicious, nutritious and will free you and your loved one's from Purgatory! Go ahead and indulge yourself with all new Tetzel's Pretzels!

Tetzel's Pretzels are the most twisted pretzels on the market today. And at just $20 per bag, they're a real bargain. Plus with every bag you buy you'll not only get great flavor, but you'll also free a soul from Purgatory! That's right, every bag of Tetzel's Pretzels you buy comes with a "get out of purgatory free" card that can be used for any of your loved ones or saved until after you die to avoid years, if not centuries of purging.

So pick up a bag of Tetzel's Pretzels today. And remember When the flavor of a Tetzel Pretzel in the mouth sings, another soul from Purgatory springs!

Advertisement: Save Time and Stay Safe with Your Own SPS System

2008-04-04T16:31:00.004+04:00

It's both a dangerous and busy world out there. You want to read your Bible and grow spiritually but there's just too much to do in a day. At the same time you know that there are temptations all around you, and you don't want to fall victim to those things which can literally "suck you in."

Well, now there's the perfect solution. Introducing the new Spiritual Positioning System (SPS-1000) from Notosin. Notosin's new SPS-1000 uses the latest technology to simply tell you what to do, where to go and where not to go. Keep it with you all the time, at home, in the car, while you're driving, etc. Use the different preset levels to tell your Notosin SPS-1000 how strict you want to be. The SPS-1000 does the rest.

Notosin's new SPS-1000 uses the latest in voice technology to warn you with sin is near. Just read these amazing testimonials.

"I started using my SPS-1000 about two weeks ago. I've got mine set to the 'Ultra-Legalistic' level, and my SPS-1000 warns me if anyone is even saying the word 'television' anywhere nearby." - Rod Ochem, Birmingham, AL

"The Notosin SPS-1000 is fantastic. I keep mine set to 'Fairly Conservative' most of the time. I can't tell you how much trouble I've stayed out of since buying this great item." - Dianne Richardson, LaCrosse, WI

With Notosin's SPS-1000 you'll never have to worry about reading your Bible or fighting temptation ever again. And at only $1295.00 they're a steal!

Remember the Moment Stopwatch $12.95

2008-03-15T10:00:00.009+03:00

"If you cannot remember the exact moment you were saved, then you are NOT saved," -- Pastor William McDonald of Simpson, Tennessee.

"When you question your salvation, remember to trust that exact moment when you raised your hand," -- Pastor Douglas Krenshaw of Jimton, Alabama.

"Do you remember the time when you prayed the prayer? No? Then you wasted your breath." -- Pastor Rocky Gibbons of Wichita, Georgia.

Dear Friend,

Please take the following quiz regarding the time you were saved:
1. Write your approximate age (when you were saved) here:
2. Write the year here:
3. Write the month here:
4. Write the day of the month here:
5. Write the hour here:
6. Write the minute here:
7. Write the second here:

If you were unable to completely and accurately answer all questions, my dear friend, then you must acknowledge that you do not remember the moment of your salvation. We do not wish to cause you panic, dear friend. But please read the pastor's quotes above once again and think about the implications.

Has the wisdom of these pastors stirred your heart? Have you failed to remember the exact time of your salvation? Do you lack faith in your memory?

If the answer to these three questions is "yes yes yes" then please consider purchasing a Remember the Moment Stopwatch for the moment that you really get saved.

For this very important moment in your life, why not trust your salvation memories to Remember the Moment? All Remember the Moment Stopwatches are tested and retested so you will never fail to know the exact moment again.

With 7 different pre-programmed modes, you can precisely capture up to 7 different moment times. Here's how it works:
* Have your finger ready on the 1st button. When your foot touches the aisle, simply press the button.
* When the pastor touches your shoulder, press the button again.
* When you begin to pray the simple prayer, hit the button upon your first utterance of the word "Lord."
* Do the same at the very end of the prayer when you say "Amen."
* Since the Remember the Moment Stopwatch is waterproof, take it to your baptism and press the blue button as soon as you re-emerge.
* Finally, have the watch ready in case you ever pray any unknown words.
* The seventh mode is for any other exact time you would like to remember.

Why 7 different moments? Don't let the potential for a future change in theology spoil the moment. Consider the testimony of Ralph Lendleton, "When I attended the Baptist Church, I used to think the moment of salvation was the exact time I stepped into the aisle. After my conversion to the Church of Christ, I was so glad I had used the Remember the Moment Stopwatch during my Baptist Church baptism."

Even if you remember your moment, make sure to get one for the kids and grandkids before they make that big step. Be prepared the first time to reduce the chances of a future repeat when the moment is forgotten. Consider purchasing a Remember the Moment Stopwatch and placing it in your kid's hand before they leave for camp, before VBS week, before the annual evangelistic Sunday School, before chapel at the private school, and before the pastor and the rest of the EE team arrive on Monday nights.

The Remember the Moment Stopwatch can actually go beyond the moment and time your salvation to the nearest 100th of a second (set the watch to "twinkling of an eye" mode).

You don't want them to forget the moment. Get your Remember the Moment Stopwatch today!

Is Your KJV Good Enough?

2008-02-26T17:00:00.009+03:00

(Important: this notification is for those who are committed to the REAL bible only. All heretical readers of the NKJV, NIV, ASV, NASB, HCSB, ESV, NLT, RSV, NRSV, Tyndale, Geneva, Message, Vulgate, Biblia Hebraica Stuttgartensia, Nestle-Aland Greek New Testament, etc. need read no farther.)

Do you read the REAL bible? You may have a King James Version, but is it the REAL King James Version? You may be thinking something like, "Of course my bible is the KJV. It is all I would ever read so that I won't be led astray by false teachings. In fact, it says KJV right here on the cover."

If that is what you are thinking, you're are probably on the wrong path. Does your bible look like this one (glance to the left)? Does it have a hard cover that reads, "The Holy Bible, 1611 Edition"? If so, DO NOT LET YOURSELF BE FOOLED! You are reading a copy instead of the real thing! The bible you see here was printed in 2004!

What about those KJV copies printed in the 1800's? You may be thinking, "My KJV is old, so it must be good." DO NOT LET YOURSELF BE FOOLED! A copy, no matter how old it may be, is just a copy and is not good enough.

Are you tired of the modern conveniences of today's KJV study bibles? Do you look with disgust at new looking bible covers? Do you believe that a bible should be big? Are you just plain tired of all those neat looking new fonts like Times New Roman ("Roman" because it is Catholic)?

Some heretics mock the KJV-only community (click here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, and here to read more). They are no better than the ungodly, scornful sinners of Psalm 1:1. They'll get what's coming to 'em.

If you are looking for the REAL bible, look no farther. If you are wanting to know for certain what the Word of God says, never fear. We have the answer. (Please generously disregard the fact that God hid His Word from the English-speaking world until 1611, and continues to hide it from all those who don't speak English. We can't figure it out either.)

The Harvard University Historical Society has announced the impending sale of six copies of the original King James Bible. Yes, these bibles were constructed back in 1611 by the express authority of King James I. This means they were printed in England. Because of this, we know that they are perfect. You can even see one pictured here.

If you buy one of these, you can be confident that you have the REAL bible. There will be no more second-guessing about what the scriptures say. If you are in Sunday School, and the teacher says, "What does this verse mean to you?", you can simply say, "My REAL King James says..."

Keep in mind that this large bible may be a bit difficult to carry with you. It will also be a bit expensive ($800,000 per copy) so you might want to take good care of it. When you do purchase one of the originals, you will be given a box of laytex gloves to wear when turning the pages.

Think of the relief and pride you will have the first time you break out your new bible at church. All the other KJV's will have to bow to your original copy. For those folks who try to sneak an NKJV or NIV into church, they will just be outright embarrassed.

Make sure you have the true Word of God in your hands. Accept no substitutes! Get the REAL BIBLE!

(The Harvard University Historical Society accepts Mastercard and VISA. Dial 1-800-REAL-KJV for assistance. Order now!)

"Self-Taser" Sale on Now!

2008-01-03T17:00:00.000+03:00

ST. LOUIS, MO - Self-tasing has become a common practice these days. For Christians, it started in earnest just after Thanksgiving this past year. Now that Christmas is behind us, you can purchase the Self-Taser for bargain-basement prices.

According to its manufacturer, the Self-Taser can be set to tase based on a variety of behaviors. For example, if an alcoholic reaches for a bottle of beer, his pre-set taser will zap him. If a dieter tries to order a hot fudge sundae, the taser will spring into action. If a liar is determined to quit, but lets a falsehood slip out, his new tool will place a hefty charge right in his mid-section.

So why is the Self-Taser on sale now?

TBNN has discovered that many Christians were purchasing this device with one specific purpose in mind: reminding themselves to say "Merry Christmas" instead of "Happy Holidays." Apparently many of them were setting the control feature to automatically tase if they let loose a "Happy Holidays.”

Why would someone do this? Rachel Harris (pictured here), of Lexington, VA, told us, “I just felt like I had to do something. Every time I went into a store before Christmas, the workers would say, ‘Happy Holidays!’ Any time I turned on the TV, I heard, ‘Happy Holidays!’ Even my mail offered all sorts of ‘Holiday’ sales. After a while, I couldn’t help but respond with my own ‘Happy Holidays.’ I realized the problem I was in, and wanted to do something about it. I was just distraught and hit rock-bottom. That’s when I got a Self-Taser. It is the best purchase I ever made.”

Ralph Spencer, residing in Topeka, KS, informed TBNN, “Like Mrs. Harris, I started to fall prey to the ‘Happy Holidays’ slogan. However, I was convicted of it. I felt something like Peter after he denied our Lord. I refused to any longer bow to the ‘Happy Holidays’ machine. That’s why I bought a Self-Taser. It worked so well. After three or fours zaps, all I could remember to say was ‘Merry Christmas.’”

Now that Christmas is behind us, sales of the Self-Taser have dropped off by over 50%. Some churches are encouraging their congregations to buy the tasers while they are cheap. We have learned that several pastors are exhorting their congregations to now set their tasers to zap if they forget to tithe that month. Other health-conscious pastors have implored their people to tase themselves if they break their New Year’s Resolution/Diet plan.

Although this is rare, some churches have even purchased several tasers to use when church discipline is needed. On a related note, sales have actually jumped in the last month amongst Charismatics; apparently the charge causes people to jump and yell. Some even fall on the floor and writhe in pain.

Some churches have even started using a new slogan: “Tase me, Bro!”

Buy your Self-Taser now. Accountability is a wonderful thing

Advertisement: The Nokia 1611, The Only Phone You'll Ever Need

2007-12-19T14:31:00.001+03:00

With all of the different mobile phone choices out there, things can become confusing. There's phones out there that play music, send email, recognize handwriting, and even have GPS functions. But all of those different phones out there are nothing but plots to confuse and deceive people into getting a phone that's not really a phone at all.

So why spend all that money on some new fancy phone, when the perfect phone was already built. Ten years ago Nokia invented the 1611 model, and it has proved to be the most faithful and most reliable mobile phone ever built. While other phones had preceded it, the Nokia 1611 was the seventh stylistic attempt at a mobile phone of it's kind, like silver refined in a furnace. It has also been the most used and most successful phone ever in the entire world, giving more credence to the fact that this phone has been specially designed and blessed.

"I have no need for any other phone" said Paul Hudson a Nokia 1611 owner. "When you've found what is perfect, why would you go back to something less perfect?"

So this Christmas check eBay, visit local garage sales, dig through garbage cans, but do all you can to find yourself a Nokia 1611. Your very phone service depends on it.

"I trust my husband's opinion very much" said Wanda Hudson, wife of Paul. "All I can say is that if the Nokia 1611 is good enough for Paul, it's good enough for me."

Old Emergent Straight Postmodern Whiseguys

2007-12-17T12:21:00.001+03:00

"Don't be fooled by imitations." Good words that good people try to live by. When it comes to the finest quality Whiseguys out there accept no substitutes for Old Emergent Straight Postmodern Whiseguys.

Old Emergent is finest of the finest. Our disturbing philosophy is simple. We don't arrogantly try to bottle a product that forces one flavor on people. Instead we fill each bottle with the finest quality absolutely nothing that is available. Just open a bottle and fill it with whatever you like, adjusted perfectly to your preferences. No one can tell you what to put in your bottle because no one knows exactly what should go in there, even we don't!

Not sure what to put in yours? Don't worry, just keep it empty for as long as you like, and each day pop off the top, and pour yourself up a shot of nothing. Sip slowly and enjoy the fact that there's no right or wrong way to drink up Old Emergent Straight Postmodern Whiseguys.

GENERAL WARNING: OLD EMERGENT STRAIGHT POSTMODERN WHISEGUYS IS SPIRITUALLY HARMFUL. DO NOT ATTEMPT TO OPERATE THEOLOGICAL REASONING WHILE UNDER THE INFLUENCE OF THIS SUBSTANCE.

Religion Spectator Magazine Special Column

2007-12-07T13:36:00.000+03:00

Vineyard: Lakewood Vineyards
Type: Charlatan
Year: 2002
Overall Score: 50

They say in this business "Don't let the label fool you," and that has certainly proved to be true in this case.

Lakewood's Charlatan was recommended to me by a friend several years ago. I was always a little reluctant to try it, but I finally gave it a go, and I must say, I was very disappointed.

To be fair, Lakewood puts together a beautiful presentation, bottled and labeled all quite elegantly. From the beginning the taster is presented with a product that builds anticipation. One can quickly assume that he or she is dealing with a high quality item here. But unfortunately, the packaging is all that is desirable about Lakewood.

The minute I uncorked Lakewood's Charlatan I immediately noticed that what was inside did not match what was on the outside. I was expecting a deep dark and rich red color, which seemed only logical since the packaging was a deep dark red also. Instead what came out was clear, with a slightly foul odor.

I let it "breathe" for a minute or two before finally taking a taste. To give it the benefit of a doubt, I thought that perhaps my sense of smell might be off a bit, or perhaps the foul odor I smelled was coming from another source. And despite the clear color, I thought that there still might be something pleasing once I finally gave it a taste. So after several minutes I picked it up, swirled it around a bit, gave it another sniff (the odor was still there) and gave it a taste. It was worse than I thought. It was lukewarm, bland, and completely unsatisfying. There was no substance at all.

So my rating for Lakewood Charlatan is 50. "Why" one might ask, "would you still give even a score of 50?" Well, to be fair, I still thought it was well packaged and nicely presented. Also, whatever was in that stuff has made my teeth really sparkle. I suppose that counts for something.

"Preacher Hero" Hits Stores Just in Time for the Holidays

2007-11-26T14:39:00.000+03:00

Tokyo, Japan - Given the high degree of success of Sony's Guitar Hero for their Play Station game systems, the company announced the release of a new similar game just in time for the holiday rush. In the new game entitled Preacher Hero players get the chance to "out preach" some of the most famous preachers in the world today.

"Given the infatuation with television preachers, we feel this game will be very popular" said Sony CEO Sir Howard Stringer. "Now kids can test their preaching skills against some of the most famous television preachers in the world today."

The game can be played in one of two ways. The game comes with a special microphone which the player plugs into the console. Texts from sermons move across the screen while the player screams into the microphone. The player can also play with the controller and attempt to animate his or her favorite preacher as he or she preaches. Players also get extra points for performing a healing or for speaking in tongues.

The game will include some of today's most famous preachers including,

Bishop T.D. Jakes
Joel Osteen
Benny Hinn
Kenneth and Gloria Copeland
Dr. Joyce Myers
Robert Schuller
Jan and Paul Crouch
Creflo Dollar
And Randy and Paula White

The game hits the shelves at stores this Wednesday with a price tag of $69.95.

TBNN After Thanksgiving Day Sale!!!! Hot Deals on Clearance Items

2007-11-23T17:42:00.000+03:00

NET FINNEY 2.0 - The most popular Calvinist/Reformed Internet filter out there today. It's saved millions of unsuspecting Christians from being infected with Reformed theology.

Was: $39.95
Now: $19.95!

Rick Warren's 40 Days of Porpoises: Warren's gripping work dealing with Christian animal rights. A must for any Vegan-Christian friend.

Was: $19.95
Now: $12.95!

Talking Fred Phelps Doll: The perfect gift for your darling dumpling this Christmas. Make the life of your little one complete with Talking Fred.

Was: $9.99
Now: $1.49

The ePhod: Make sure your Indy-Fundy only listens to "good" music! The ePhod ensures that nothing but music with the right balance between rhythm, melody and harmony will play. And NO SONGS WITH DRUMS!

Was: $249.00
Now: $139.00!

The TNAIRSECCLKJMV (t-nair-seckel-KJM-vee): Now the most complicated translation is more affordable. For the loved one in your life who must have every translation under the sun.

Was: $59.99
Now: $35.95

Spiritryl Charismatic Enhancement: Need a little charismatic boost? Having trouble really being "filled"? With Spiritryl all of your worries will end. With over 2000mg of Caffeine, 5000mg of Vitamin B along with 5000mg of Ginseng and Sugar, you're guaranteed to have a Charismatic episode or your money back.

Was: $19.95
Now: $9.95

Calvinix Reformed Theology Inhibitor: Our most popular product of all time. Calvinix blocks those nasty Reformed thoughts before they ever make it to your brain. Supplies limited.

Was: $19.95
Now: $8.95!