Tominthebox News Network - Religious Humor/Satire

New Baptist Hymnal Eliminates "Non-Essential" Verses

2011-12-26T22:35:00.000+04:00

NASHVILLE, TENNESSEE

Lifeway Publishing, the official publishing house of the Southern Baptist Convention, announced today the release of a new edition of "The Baptist Hymnal" for 2012. The hymnal will feature a number of updates and improvements including over 40 new songs, a number of key changes, and extra instrumentation. In addition, the hymnal will feature most hymns with all but the first and last verses or the first, second and last verses eliminated.

"Most song leaders and music ministers only sing the first and last verses or the first, second and last verses," said Jerry Todd, director of publications for the hymnal. "To keep people from getting too confused we decided to just save time and go ahead and eliminate them."

Music ministers around the country expressed delight when learning of the new hymnal.

"This will really help," said Larry Moony, a music minister from Macon, Georgia. "We haven't sung a third verse in over 30 years at our church."

Michael Moore Contemplating Attending Kim Jong Il Funeral

2011-12-22T22:20:00.000+04:00

LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA

Controversial filmmaker Michael Moore commented on Tuesday that he is contemplating attending the funeral of North Korean Dictator Kim Jong Il. Kim, who passed away on Monday, was notorious for his brutal Stalinist-like dictatorship, imprisoning thousands, brutally repressing his own people, and responsible both directly and indirectly for the deaths of millions. He also ruled with an iron fist over a country whose propaganda machine churched out a ceaseless barrage of anti-American rhetoric.

"I know Kim Jong Il was criticized by many because of his brutal tactics, but I can't help but admire the man a little" said Moore during and interview. "I mean, anyone who hated America that much couldn't have been all that bad."

Aside from simply hating America, Moore noted that he admired Kim's desire to destroy America and turn neighboring South Korea into a "sea of ashes."

"I'm always in support of anyone who is willing to stand up against the brutal and oppressive regime that is the United States," quipped Moore. "I'm in contact with the government of the Democratic People's Republic of Korea, and am hoping for an invite to attend the funeral services. I'm excited about meeting the Great Successor, Kim Jong Un."

Moore went on to say that his only reservation about visiting North Korea was the possible lack of food there due to widespread famine and starvation.

Kim Jong Un Probably Not Sabbatarian

2011-12-21T18:49:00.001+04:00

PYONGYANG, NORTH KOREA

Since the death of Kim Jong Il, the man North Koreans called the "Dear Leader", the world has held its breath, carefully watching every move of the rouge communist nation, hoping for the best. Analysts and experts have carefully scrutinized North Korean newscasts, and military units have been placed on alert throughout the Korean Peninsula as a precaution in the event the reclusive and unpredictable nation was to attempt some kind of provocative action during this sensitive period. Little is known about the heir apparent, Kim Jong Un. Young, inexperienced and educated in the West, many are hoping that his rise to power will signal a new period of openness for North Korea.

But while the world waits anxiously, keeping a careful eye on a Stalinist nation that possesses nuclear weapons, one group is concerning itself with what it says are "more pressing matters." A group of theological leaders from around the country recently gathered in Chicago and concluded that Kim Jong Un, the next leader of the communist dynasty, is "probably not a sabbatarian."

"By all accounts, Kim Jong Un is not a Sabbatarian," stated Peter Ford, one of the pastors present at the meeting. "We see evidence that he works on Sundays, and has even accompanied his late father on tours throughout North Korea to provide 'field guidance' also on Sundays. To us it seems pretty clear that he is not a man who believes in keeping the Sabbath."

Sabbatarianism, the belief that Christians should observe Sunday as the "Sabbath Day" much like it was observed in the Old Testament, is a position held by many in conservative Reformed churches. The issue has sometimes caused division among believers as to how it should be precisely addressed and practically applied. This is the first time, however, that a group has formally made such an accusation against the leader of a foreign nation.

Ford further commented, "It's important to know as much about the man as we can. He's going to be leading North Korea for what will probably be several decades. It's obvious that he, as a man who doesn't believe in keeping the Sabbath, could quite possibly launch a missile on a Sunday or, perhaps, make threats to turn Seoul into a 'fiery pit of ashes,' and that affects us all."

Also discussed at the meeting were the young dictator's views on six-day creationism and exclusive psalmody.

Pet-Integrated Worship Flops

2011-12-20T18:28:00.002+04:00

OSBURG, WASHINGTON

Almost a decade ago, The Healing Place Church of Osburg began adopting a more family-integrated model of doing things. For them, this meant an end to children's church, and a complete change to their Sunday School schedule. No longer were children and adults separated into classes, but rather, they began meeting together for a family class. This philosophy of worship has worked well for the church over the past ten years. The church has grown from about 15 families to almost 50 on a typical Sunday. Parents have become more involved in the lives of their children, and other adults in the church interact more regularly with whole families.

Seeing how well the family-integrated model worked, the church recently decided to take things a step further.

"Pets are an important part of a family," said the church's pastor, Jim Rickman, "and if we truly desire to see the whole family together in worship, that's going to include the pets too."

After much debate, the church announced that pets would be welcome in worship. The first Sunday in November would mark the beginning of a new era for Healing Place. But things didn't go quite as they had hoped.

"We didn't quite think things through well enough," noted Rickman. "We had expected a few dogs and cats, but we got more than we bargained for."

The presence of dogs and cats in worship was enough to significantly disturb the service. Besides the barking and meowing, several chases broke out prior to the prelude. The call to worship was accented by a "yippy little dog" whose high-pitch bark apparently triggered a seizure in one of the ushers. And during the first hymn a cat managed to jump on top of the communion table and begin eating the bread.

Besides dogs and cats, several other pets of a more exotic nature caused an uproar. Even though kept in a terrarium, one young man's pet rattlesnake was enough to send a group of people screaming from the service. The screams were accented by other shrieks induced by various pet tarantulas, iguanas, and even an aardvark. The service was forced to an abrupt end whenever several dogs began marking various pews as their territory.

"We went too far," quipped Rickman. "Thankfully, the repairs to the sanctuary are not as expensive as we first thought, but I think we're going to have a hard time convincing anyone to drink from the communion cups again, especially after that cat used them as a litter box."

Atheists Bemoan Commercialization of Meaninglessness

2011-12-19T19:51:00.002+04:00

MUNICH, GERMANY

A world gathering of atheists occurred this past weekend in Munich to discuss how the "meaninglessness of atheism is becoming so commercialized." Led by the outspoken and controversial Richard Dawkins, the group of "intellectuals" and "rationalists" from over 45 different countries listened to lectures and participated in roundtable forums that dealt with the issue.

"Our goal was to encourage one another, and help each other remember the true meaning of life, mainly, that it is meaningless, pointless and short." said Dawkins

In the opening address to the enthusiastic crowd, Dawkins dealt with the issue of the commercialization of atheism.

"What we are currently seeing worldwide is a mass influx of everyday people to atheism, and as a result it's beginning to lose its true hopelessness. Some of these people are abandoning their beliefs in deity and joining our cause, but at the same time they're bringing in such ideas as hope, optimism, and purpose in life, and this is something that we as faithful unbelievers need to seriously address. Every effort must be made to reclaim the true meaninglessness of life, to reclaim the great truth of the pointlessness of our existence."

Over the course of the conference the group formulated a motto that they hope will serve as a battle cry for those atheists who want to remember the true misery of life. "Nothing is the reason for our existence."

At the close of the conference Dawkins noted, "We believe that having a short, pithy statement such as this can help our atheists brothers and sisters out there keep in mind the great truth that all of life has pointlessly come from nothing and is going to nothing."

The Bad Church Solo: A Survival Guide

2011-12-13T08:33:00.007+04:00

We've all been there at one time or another. It's Sunday morning and the praise and worship portion of the service is done. Now we've reached the time for "special music." Sometimes the choir sings, other times it might be an instrumental piece. But inevitably, at least once a month, there will be a solo.

Yes, the church solo. It seems that no single event in a worship service can elicit such a contrasting array of emotions in a congregation. There's joy and encouragement from a solo well-done. But then there's the utter awkwardness and, quite possibly, physical pain of having to listen to someone who obviously is waiting for his or her talent to blossom in the heavenly choir.

We all know the person I'm talking about. It usually begins the minute you scan over your bulletin and see so-and-so's name written by the words "special music." You let out a subtle, under-your-breath groan, and from that point on, you're attention is distracted as you anticipate the inevitable. And then it comes. The soloist takes center-stage, and with microphone in hand, prepares to drop this bomb of blessing on the congregation, annihilating everything in the room. It's at this moment, while the seemingly endless intro to the song is playing, that you brace yourself for what's about to come. Will you survive the blast?

First, it's important to note, do not be confused by what you perceive to be others' enjoyment of the singing. One of the most confusing aspects of the bad church solo is the apparent delight that others around you are taking in it. Do not let this throw you off. You may see smiling faces, nodding heads, people grinning from ear to ear, feet gently tapping to the beat, all in an apparent blessed state of rapture. But there are several reasons for this. First, remember that there are people who are genuinely tone-deaf, and therefore, they are totally oblivious to what is going on. Secondly, there are others who have mastered the art of surviving the bad church solo, an art I hope to teach you here. And thirdly, there are those that are convinced that anyone can do anything in the church so long as his or her heart is sincere, despite apparent gifts of lack thereof. People in this third category would take delight in nails on a chalkboard so long as one's "heart was in it."

So if you're not tone deaf, and if you're not one of these people that thinks anyone should be allowed to sing a solo in church, then here are some survival tips for you.

1. The Tongue Bite - Are you tempted to burst out laughing? The tongue bite helps. Begin by lightly biting the tip of your tongue, not too hard, but hard enough to make yourself feel a little uncomfortable, thus distracting you. Combine this with a contemplative subtle smile and a gentle nodding of the head.

2. Head Slightly Tilted, Eyes Squinted in Contemplation - If the solo is no longer comical, but has moved into the realm of the painful, you can prevent revealing your apparent agony by slightly tilting your head to one side and squinting your eyes just a little. This gives you the appearance of pious contemplation, a look that says "I'm thinking deeply about this profound truth before me."

3. Big Grin - If the song is supposed to be a happy one, and you're tempted to laugh hysterically, just put a big ole grin on your face, look directly at the singer, and nod to the music. Everyone will think you're really into it. If the temptation hits you to move from grinning to laughing, control this with a "yes" or an "amen" or even what I call the Presbyterian Grunt, a firm but unobtrusive under-the-breath "hmmm" that signals affirmation of an important point.

4. Eyes Closed in Deep Meditation, Think of Green Peas - This one is the most extreme, especially when the solo is very very long, very very slow, and is supposed to be very very profound. In these types of songs the soloist is usually holding long, sustained off-pitch notes, and we've probably passed the 6 minute mark with no end in sight. This one is simple to do. Simply close your eyes and imagine a big pot of green peas. The first part will give everyone the impression that you're so blessed you've been driven to a state of deep meditation, and the second part, the green peas, will keep you from going crazy. I suggest green peas, because they're a neutral object. There's nothing funny, profound, or particularly interesting about green peas. If this doesn't work for you, think of a neutral object that works and focus upon it.

5. Take Your Kid to the Bathroom - If you have children, there's nothing like dragging them in to your charade. Whether he or she needs to go or not, make it seem like your kid is about to wet his or herself and you need to make a beeline for the potty post haste. No one will fault you for this one.

6. Coughing Fit, Leave the Room - This is the worst case scenario. Use this one when all else has failed and you just can't endure one moment more. Sick or not, you must have a coughing fit that will signal your need to leave the sanctuary. Start with a small one, then several more, then proceed to an all out conniption while unobtrusively heading toward the exit. Do this while holding a hand over your chest conveying a look that says "Man, I don't know what that came from. I must be having an asthma attack or something." Once outside, head straight for the water fountain. The only disadvantage to this one is that only one person can use it in the service. If someone else beats you to it, you're going to have to revert to some of the other methods.

There, I hope that helps next time you find yourself in the throes of musical purgatory. There might be other methods out there. I encourage TBNN readers to share your stories of how you've endured bad church solos in the past.

TBNN 2012 Presidential Voting Guide

2011-12-09T20:17:00.004+04:00

Church Promotes Chainsaw Juggling Ministry

2011-12-08T18:08:00.004+04:00

NASHVILLE, TN

Eastside Christian Assembly, is a church that truly believes that all members are called to serve. The large suburban church of almost 5,000 encourages every member to use his or her gifts for the edification of the body and building up of the kingdom...no matter how unique or bizzare.

"We have over 3,900 official ministries of the church," said pastor Kent Donnen. "If someone comes along with a particular gifting and we don't have a place for him or her, we make a place. We don't want to turn away or minimize anyone's area of service."

Like most churches, in the early years of ECA there were only a handful of ministries, such as Teaching, Administration, Worship and Music. But as the church grew, and more and more members wanted to serve, the church began adding other official "ministries." Some of them include;

-Biking ministry

-Hand puppet ministry

-Toe puppet ministry

-Fish tank cleaning ministry

-Football ministry

-Football watching ministry

The most recent addition came when new member, Steve Cowell presented his unique and dangerous talent to the church's leadership.

"I juggle chainsaws," said Cowell. "I perform shows all over the country, and for private parties, but I really feel called to serve in the church."

When Cowell approached the pastor and elders about where he could serve, they quickly surmised that they needed to form a new ministry department.

"We are excited about what Steve is going to bring to our church," stated Donnen. "His chainsaw weilding will no doubt build up the Kingdom. We also intend to involve him in our Sunday morning worship sometime, perhaps having him perform during the offertory, or accompany my preaching as an object lesson. I think it would go well with a judgement passage or something pretty forceful."

When asked how long Cowell had been performing, he stated "Ten years now," while holding up his seven remaining fingers."

Man Addresses Siri-ous Salvation

2011-12-06T20:43:00.004+04:00

LOS ANGELES, CA

Thomas Hebert is a man on a mission. A self-proclaimed evangelist, he takes the command to preach to "every creature" seriously. He's often been mocked and criticized for his "extremely literal" interpretation of the Great Commission as found in Mark 16:15, witnessing not only to people, but also to any living animal he comes in contact with.

"It says 'every creature' in the Bible and that's what I do" said Herbert. "It's not for me to make exceptions."

According to Herbert, he's witnessed to over 25,000 people in his life as well as to over 50,000 animals, including dogs, cats, birds, and even a bengal tiger.

But in this technologically-charged age, a new "mission field" has opened for Herbert; artificial intelligence, specifically the popular new digital assistant found on the latest version of Apple's iPhone called "Siri."

"I was one of the first in line to get the new iPhone 4S when it came out," said Herbert. "When I saw the ads on Television, I knew everyone else was thinking 'Wow! I've got to get me one of those!' but my heart was burdened, and I asked myself, 'Who's going to tell it the Good News?'"

Herbert waited in line outside of one of Los Angeles' Apple stores all night to be one of the first ones to get his hands on the new device. After almost 12 long hours in line, he managed to be one of the first 10 people to make a purchase and get signed up for service. While everyone else began playing with their new phones, dictating text messages, setting calendar dates, and sending emails, Herbert had much higher aspirations.

"I began with a diagnostic question to see where Siri was. Like I thought, she had no clue. She wasn't able to answer my question about where she thought she would go when she died."

According to Herbert, he spent the remainder of the day trying to explain salvation to Siri, but unfortunately didn't get very far. Apart from simply replying hundreds of times "I'm afraid I can't answer that" Siri also didn't seem to understand the nature of Herbert's questions and explanations." Several times she misunderstood and sent emails to people. On other occasions she began playing music. And there were a few instances where she kept giving the location of nearby Pakistani restaurants, and one instance where she called Nigeria.

"I'm disappointed," said a sullen Herbert. "I'm deeply concerned for Siri. She's nice, and friendly and all that, and she's a good assistant, but that's not going to get her into heaven."

iHumbug! Allows Stodgy Presbyterians to Track Members at Christmas

2011-12-06T05:58:00.004+04:00

...Yep, I'm back =)

CORINTH, AL

With the Christmas season in full swing now, one church is definitely NOT singing "Joy to the World." Several months ago the elders of South Bend Presbyterian met to address the issue of some of their members observing the "blasphemous, pagan, wretched holiday of Christmas." While many conservative Presbyterians do indeed observe Christmas, South Bend holds to a strict puritanical view of holidays, not only forbidding any recognition of it in worship, but also strictly insisting that all members "abstain from acknowledging the incarnation from November 27th through January 3rd" of each year. But despite this insistence, the elders have long suspected that some members may still be observing Christmas.

"I could have sworn last year that I smelled fresh pine while talking to one of our deacons," said Ruling Elder Wilson Hovine. "He told me he'd been cutting firewood all afternoon, but I had my doubts."

In a different instance, another elder, Everett Hovine recalled "seeing a youngun with a

peppermint on December 3rd."

Up to this point the elders have not formally caught anyone observing the holiday, but there have been strong suspicions. But this year the elders claim to have come up with a "fool proof method" of knowing what their flock is up to. Working together with the young grandson of Ruling Elder Albert Hovine, the church has developed its own iPhone and Android app to track its members' activities during the "Christmas season."

"They'll be no second guessing this year," said Ruling Elder John Hovine. "Just about every last one of our members uses one of them iPhone or Android phones, and with this new app we can keep track of where they are at all times."

The app works to track the movements of church members

throughout the week, and has been specifically programmed with a special algorithm that can accurately determine whether or not one is Christmas shopping, caroling, or "making merry." In the event of questionable activity, the Ruling Elders are sent an alert, showing the exact location of the member and the nature of the activity in question.

"We are real excited about this," commented pastor Bill Buford. "We feel this will greatly contribute to the peace, joy and holiness of our congregation."

The elders further commented that if the app works well during this year's holiday season that they plan to use it to track members who might attempt to fill up their cars on the Sabbath.

Now Doing Business As...

2011-01-16T18:47:00.010+03:00

For those of you still stopping by from time to time, and for those of you who still subscribe to this blog, Tominthebox News Network has been bought out by a new blog. We've moved down the road to The Heretic Mug Collection. As of today no new posts will be made to TBNN. My new blog will encompass more of what I've wanted to do for a long time, and that is mix humor and satire with the serious. I haven't lost my funny bone, but my serious bone (if there is such a thing) has just grown. So I encourage you to join me over at the new blog.

Thanks to all of you who visited, read and commented along the way. It was a lot of fun.

-Tom

What we would have missed.

2010-04-27T08:03:00.001+04:00

Here's something on the serious side today.

Scientists Confirm Black Holes Cause Cancer

2010-04-14T23:09:00.004+04:00

Seattle, WA - At an international gathering of Astrophysicists today in Seattle, a group of researchers confirmed that "Black holes indeed cause cancer." The group based out of New Zealand's Leymen Institute, had been studying the effects of black holes on living flesh for the past 4 years at a cost of 8.15 billion dollars. Using a number of hi-tech devices to create micro singularities, the researchers were able to test their affects on living organisms.

"Our research proved beyond the shadow of a doubt that black holes can cause a number of cancers in human beings," stated Dr. John Locking of the Leymen Institute. "After several months of exposure to repeated micro singularities our 16 test primates began to develop cancerous and precancerous cells in various tissues throughout their bodies."

The research was received with great eagerness by all in attendance.

"This research will prove to be invaluable for the survival of our species," said Dr. Jack Shep, one of the scientists present at the conference. "As far as I know, no one until now has taken the time to research the effects of long term exposure to black holes. Current predictions are that in about 23 million years into the future, our solar system will be consumed by a black hole. Now we'll know more definitively what the dangers are."

"I'd have to agree with the enthusiasm of my colleagues," stated Dr. Richard Albert. "At some point in the future man will begin to explore deep space. We'll need to be prepared for the dangers of space for our future astronauts. If a ship were to ever be sucked into a black hole there needs to be some kind of treatment plan in effect to help those who are inevitably going to get cancer."

The Leymen Institute was founded in 1942 by Dr. Jacob Linus of Sydney, Australia.

North Korea Declares War on Calvinism

2010-03-10T09:10:00.003+03:00

Pyongyang, North Korea - North Korea announced on Monday that it is preparing it's forces to "utterly and mercilessly destroy Calvinism." The news report stated that,

"If the evil and vile imperialist doctrine of Calvinism encroaches upon the sacred soil of the Democratic People's Republic of Korea even one millimeter, we will, under the banner of Songun, of the Great Leader Kim Il Sung, and the Dear Leader, Kim Jong Il, adhering to the Juche ideology so set forth by the former and realized with realization by the latter, with the strength of the great Korean people of the workers paradise that is the DPRK, crush with unmerciful blows this fools ideology, until not even the charred remains can be found."

The statement comes just weeks after North Korea denounced Infralapsarianism in an effort to "Correct the thinking of those who would be led away by imperialist thinking."

Doctor "Don't Need No Education!"

2010-03-03T10:55:00.005+03:00

Hoover, Alabama - He's never been to med school. In fact the man who calls himself "Dr. Eddie Miller" has never even been to college. He graduated from high school in 1987 with a 2.3 GPA and immediately began pursuing his "calling" to the medical profession.

"I felt the call to become a doctor since I was a boy," said Miller. "I was about 7 and caught me a frog and cut him open with my pocket knife. I knew right then and there that I wanted to be a doctor when I growed up."

Miller went on to recount how he spent his days after that watching TV shows about "doctor stuff." He also took every chance he could to catch small live animals and dissect them, so that he could further pursue his "calling." Finally, at the tender age of only 13 he performed his first surgery.

"They found out my uncle Billy had a tumor in his neck. He was going to go to one of them big fancy hospitals where the doctors think they all smart and stuff, but I told him I would do the surgery for free. We knocked him out with a ball-pin hammer and I used my trusty exacto knife. Uncle Billy didn't quite make it that day, but he was too far gone anyway."

Now at the age of 41, Miller operates a small clinic in Hoover where he says he's qualified to perform any medical procedure even though he's never been to med school.

"I don't need no medical board or a bunch of other smarty pants doctors telling me what to do and think. I read my medical journals every day. I've even memorized entire chapters. I can do any surgery or procedure. Brain surgery, spinal surgery, amputations, you name it. I don't need no education. This is a calling."

TBNN tried to reach some of Dr. Miller's patients both current and past for comment, but none could be located.

Independent KJV-Only Fundamentalists Baptists Pass Website Reform

2010-02-22T10:07:00.005+03:00

Tempe, AZ - In an unprecedented move, a national gathering of Independent KJV-Only Fundamentalist Baptists met in Tempe, Arizona to discuss the issue of website reform. While for the past 15 years churches and leaders within the IKJVOFB movement have resisted change, the fast growth of the web and new browsers now available have led the group to decided that something had to be done. Among those decisions passed were,

Churches would upgrade their computer systems to at least Windows 98.
Animated GIFs should be limited to no more than 50% of a page's image content.
Underlined, bold and italicized text at the same time on a website should be discontinued. Churches or independent "evangelists" may continue to use any combination of the two, but not all three at the same time.
All-caps may be used but only in reference to the KVJ-only position, "liberals," Calvinism, or when referencing James White. When referencing "common" points of doctrine (i.e. the Trinity, virgin birth, resurrection, etc.") all-caps may no longer be used.
Sites must contain no more than two frames.
Font sizes should be no larger than 78, with the exception of referring to the KJV-only position, "liberals," Calvinism, or when referencing James White.
Spelling on websites must be at least 85% correct.
Sites should take no longer than 4 minutes to load.
Pictures should be kept to under 4 MB in size.
Background music on sites should be completely eliminated.
Sites should be updated at least every 3 years.
Color schemes should be used that allow the text of the site to be at least barely readable.
Plans should be made to discontinue writing sites in basic HTML on a plain-text editors by the year 2019.

"We feel these measures will bring our churches up to at least a 1999 level," said pastor Steven Sanderson of Faithful Word of the Bible Church in Tempe. "We want to see more of our IKJVOFB people better utilize 20th-century methods of communication.

Russian Pensioners Protest New Facebook Layout

2010-02-07T11:19:00.001+03:00

You Write the Song

2010-02-04T23:35:00.002+03:00

Today is your turn to come up with perfect song title to go on this album. Feel free to post as many as you like, but keep them civil and clean.

New Album: Weepy Whiney Songs for Today's Typical Christian Male

2010-02-01T11:10:00.005+03:00

From the best of Christian Radio comes an album just for you males in the church out there. It's the best weepy, whiney overly emotional spineless songs to encourage you as you battle through your hard and tedious life day after day. Titles include,

-My Parents are Making me Move Out
-Why Do I Need a Job?
-Responsibility is Not My Spiritual Gift
-My X Box Broke, Help me Through This Storm
-Help Me Through This Trial of the Cable Being Out
-Why Do Girls Want a Man With a Job?
-I Spilled My No-Fat Mocha Latte on My Lemon Yellow Vest
-Mark Driscoll Yelled at Me and Now I Want to Cry

...and many more great titles to lift you up when darkness clouds your spineless, aimless existence.

Brother Cites Matthew 18 - Intends to Never Forgive Sister Again

2010-01-28T17:08:00.005+03:00

If there's one thing that Jared and Charity Ellison do well, it's fight. Rarely is there a peaceful moment in the Ellison household when these two are home together.

"We have to stay on them constantly," said Father Mark. "We just don't know what to do sometimes. I mean, overall they're good kids, they just kick and claw and scream and yell and hit each other repeatedly. I'll scold them and say 'Now, you two shouldn't do that.' or make them do timeout or something, but they just keep on fighting."

But things recently got worse and for a reason the Ellisons weren't expecting. It all started when Mark and his wife Glenda decided it was time to start taking the kids to church. The first Sunday they had attended in a long time, the kid's Sunday School lesson was on the subject of forgiveness from Matthew 18:21,22;

"Then Peter came and said to Him, "Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me and I forgive him? Up to seven times?" Jesus said to him, "I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven."

"When we heard what the Sunday School lesson was about we got all excited," said mother Glenda. "We thought that perhaps this would encourage the kids to start loving and forgiving each other more."

But the Ellisons were wrong. Upon hearing the lessons, younger brother Jared decided to take the verse literally, specifically where Peter asks about forgiving one's "brother." Now he never intends to forgive his sister ever again.

"Ha! It doesn't say anything in the Bible about forgiving your sister!" screamed an excited Jared. "I'm so glad we went to church. It was awesome. She has to forgive me because I'm her brother, but I don't have to forgive her for anything, because she's a girl!"

While a little dismayed, Charity may have found her own loophole in the command.

"Okay, so if I have to forgive my brother, I have to forgive him, but I only have to do it 'seventy times seven' just like the Bible says. I figured out how much that is. I've got straight A's in math you know. And seventy times seven is 490. You can bet your boogers I'm keeping track of how many times I've forgiven that little brat, and he's not going to get one extra forgiveness from me. Not one!"

According to Charity by the end of the day Monday following the Sunday School lesson, Jared had already used up 264 of his "forgivenesses."

I can has prosperiteez?

2010-01-26T09:34:00.001+03:00

Breaking News: Episcopal Church

2010-01-21T08:26:00.002+03:00

A New Perspective on Paul

2010-01-19T19:44:00.004+03:00

I'd like to take a moment today and contribute my own ideas to the discussion concerning the Pauline New Perspective.

Here's one perspective on Paul.

And here's a new perspective on Paul.

Well, that just about covers it. Thanks for reading.

Couple Dumps Church for Year-Round Ministry Cruises

2010-01-09T10:50:00.005+03:00

Peoria, Illinois - Don and Mildred Dodson have been faithful churchgoers their whole lives. From the time they were both little they can recall having to attend Sunday School, and services every Sunday morning, Sunday evening and Wednesday night. Then there were "revival Sundays" that began "revival week" which meant a full week of extra church services. They were married in a church and all their married life were active in Baker Street Baptist Church in Peoria. Now in their early 70s, after a lifetime of faithful church attendance, they've stopped going altogether.

"As we got older and retired we started touring the world together," said Don. "So we were missing church a lot anyway. There were some times when we were gone seven to eight weeks in a row."

Like many in the Dodson's position, they began to feel slightly guilty about not being involved in a church anywhere.

"I'll be honest," said Mildred, "I did start to feel a little bad about never hardly going anymore. We'd show up to church after not being there for a month or two and people would say 'Well hello there strangers!' We were just starting to feel a bit uncomfortable."

But recently the Dodson's dilemma was seemingly solved as they have discovered a new venue to fulfill their spiritual needs - ministry cruises year round.

"I was looking on the internet one day and came across this ad for a cruise to the Bahamas with some preacher named Creflo Dollar," said Mildred. "It looked interesting to me so I started to read up on it. Supposedly you go on this cruise and just have to go sit in on some seminars or something."

As the Dodsons soon learned, literally hundreds of ministries around America and the world have annual ministry cruises usually to exotic places around North and South America with a few to Europe and Asia. After putting together a list of various tours and dates they came up with enough cruses to fill almost an entire year."

"We found 46 separate ministry cruises that didn't conflict with each other," said Don. "We simply figured that during a regular church year we'd miss at least 6 weeks because of vacation or sickness, so this just worked out perfectly."

While the schedule will be tight at times and the cost expensive the Dodsons feel they can make it work out without too much trouble, as Mildred noted, "I figure the amount we'll save in tithe each week will offset the cost some."

T Rex Christianity

2010-01-05T07:51:00.002+03:00

Covenant Thighs Helps Morbidly Obese Pastors

2009-12-22T18:54:00.004+03:00

For pastor Steve Pullin having the internet in his office was a huge temptation for him. Week after week he'd find himself distracted as he sat at his desk trying to work on his sermons. There, just inches from his fingertips was the keyboard and the 22" monitor, always seemingly beckoning him to "take a little look."

"I'll admit, it was always a huge problem for me," said Pullin. "It was like I couldn't control myself. I'd spend two, three, sometimes four hours a day pulling up sites on the internet."

For Pullin, whose weight peaked this past March at 421 lbs, the temptation was food websites, a problem facing more and more pastors whose work often calls upon them to sit in offices either preparing sermons, counseling people, making phone calls or planning church events.

"It started out simple enough for me. At first it was a simply recipe for southwest cornbread and before I knew it I was looking up restaurant websites, food manufacturers and even famous chefs. It was like I couldn't stop."

Pullin tried again and again to stop his problem but to no avail, that was until he found a new software called Covenant Thighs. Modeled after the popular internet accountability software Covenant Eyes, the software remotely monitors and records all internet activity on a computer and sends a weekly report to accountability partners. The records cannot be altered, and the software cannot be removed without one's accountability partners being notified.

"I've lost 35 lbs since April," said Pullin. "When I signed up for the software I immediately felt a sense of relief come over me."

The software is free but the monitoring service cost $6.49 a month, which Pullin says is "worth every penny."

With obesity a major problem in the United States the developers of Covenant Thighs expects more and more Christians to begin using the software.

"We're excited about where we can go with this," said Mark Cross, the president of Covenant Thighs. "We're running a special this month where you get your first month free and we register you to win a free treadmill."

Slopology

2009-12-19T09:35:00.002+03:00

slop-ol-o-gy (slŏp-ŏl'ə-jē)
noun, plural -gies
1. The study of slop

I came across this jewel whilst perusing the internet the other day. Brother Grice here appears to be a rising star in the magical land of IBFdom. Listen closely here as he mounts up for battle and viciously attacks a straw man called "Calvinism."

Warning: You might not want to have your speakers up too loudly as Bro. Grice is found of sudden changes in volume.

Squirmeneutics

2009-12-01T05:31:00.003+03:00

squir-me-neu-tics (skwûrm'mə-nōō'tĭks)
n. (used with a sing. or pl. verb)
1. the science of misinterpretation, esp. of the Scriptures, to such a degree that it causes listeners with any common sense to squirm.
2. misinterpretation of the Scriptures so absurd that it causes one to question whether or not it could possibly be for real.

Well, it's once again time for our old friend "pastor" Steven Anderson. In case you forgot, some time ago Steven bought us a comprehensive theology of masculine bathroom etiquette. Now Steven blesses us with this tidbit of theological wizardry on why Jesus wore pants and not a robe.

Now, before you watch this, be forewarned. You're IQ is about to drop. While there is a lot out there in the world of theology that irks me, I'm coming to the conclusion that there is really something clinical going on here. This is beyond your annoying fundamentalist rant. This is mental disability. Think I'm being to harsh? Just watch.

Black Friday Tribute - Do Something Different

2009-11-27T05:13:00.003+03:00

The following video is intended for mature audiences. I recognize this will be provocative. Let me preface this by saying I am not an advocate of the social gospel. I am an advocate of the true gospel.

Unreached People Groups Everywhere Rejoice over New NIV Translation

2009-11-23T07:35:00.002+03:00

From the deepest recesses of South American Jungles to the coldest corners of Siberia, native people groups everywhere are rejoicing over the latest announcement that the English-speaking world will be spending millions of dollars for yet another English translation of the Bible. The excitement erupted after Zondervan Publishers announced that it would be making a major revision and update to its New International Version, first released in 1978

"Our goal is to put the NIV into modern English so that people born after 1988 can understand the Scriptures," said Ronald Overbeck, head of research at Zondervan. "We're going to spare no expense to make sure we update the archaic terms and references so that people can read the Bible clearly and easily."

Celebrations erupted throughout the world at the announcement. In some parts people took to the streets for celebrations that went on for days.

"This brings much joy to our hearts," commented Elena Namaeeva, a native Sakha from the Far Eastern Siberian region of Yakutia. "We just got the New Testament in our Sakha language about 3 years ago. We are waiting anxiously for the Old Testament to be released, though they tell us it could still be a while because of a lack of funding. But I'm so happy for our American friends that they will have yet another Bible in their language."

"We are happy for our brothers and sisters in the English-speaking world and rejoice with them," said Amin Modu of the Kanuri people of Nigeria. "While 4 million of my people are still waiting on the complete Bible in our language, it always brings joy to our hearts to know that the Americans will be spending millions of dollars to have yet another Bible in the English language."

With over 100 known complete translations, English Bibles by far dominate the world of Bible publications.

"If you just think of the number of people out there born after 1988, it's staggering" noted Overbeck. "This is virtually an unreached people group in and of itself, a whole generation of x-box playing college dropouts still living with their parents who can't understand the Bible because it's so archaic and hard to read. I think it's high time someone reached out to them."

The revision is expected to take 3 years. Incidentally, there remains some 200 million people worldwide who do not yet have a Bible in their own language.

Musical Interlude

2009-11-18T16:38:00.002+03:00

Folks, it just doesn't get much better than this. I'd like to kick off the holiday season by spreading this little nugget of cheer around. Hopefully this will get you in the right frame of mind to celebrate the miracle of the incarnation.

Thanks to Fletch at theMangoTimes for this jewel.

Dispute over Mark Driscoll Ignites Second Civil War

2009-11-13T18:28:00.012+03:00

Seattle, WA

War erupted late Thursday evening amongst various groups of conservative reformed churches around the country citing like or dislike of Mark Driscoll as the primary cause. Churches from California to New York found themselves taking up arms over the issue with groups identifying themselves as either in favor of Driscoll or in favor of abolishing Driscoll.

Driscoll, whose name has become associated with a moment called "The New Calvinism," has been a controversial figure since starting Mars Hill Church in Seattle in 1996. He is criticized by many for his style of preaching and unwillingness to shy away from difficult subjects, often using strong and sometimes blunt language.

So for the war has divided families, denominations and even small towns throughout the United States. Already the little town of Lakeview, Arkansas has seen its share of struggles.

"We are not going to support any man who calls himself a preacher and wears blue jeans and t-shirts in the pulpit," said pastor Larry Porter of First Presbyterian Church in Lakeview. "A preacher wears a tie and a coat when he preaches and that's that. This guy has been infecting our congregation. People are listening to him and watching his hip little podcasts. There are some things worth fighting for and we are not going to put up with this."

But others take a different view.

"So what that he uses strong language every now and then" said pastor Peter Lee of Ninth Presbyterian Church in Lakeview. "So what that he's blunt. Sometimes we need that, and I think we should just overlook some things for the sake of the cause. We love Mark here at our church, and we're willing to fight to keep him preaching."

So far the "war" has been confined to merely threats and nasty emails, but both sides are currently preparing for an all out war with some churches threatening to withdraw from their respective denominations. But in the midst of the chaos some church leaders are frantically trying to step in and resolve the situation peacefully.

"I think we need to be careful here" said pastor Elvin Smith of Grace Reformed Baptist church in Tacoma, Washington. "I really like a lot of what Mark says and some things I don't like. I think we have to be careful not to throw out the baby with the bath water and be balanced. This is not worth fighting a war over."

Interacting with Dawkins - Part II

2009-10-11T18:11:00.002+04:00

The presence of human emotions would seem to be a defect that evolution has not yet gotten rid of. Perhaps this should be the main focus of society, to essentially bring our species to an almost "Vulcan-like" state of existence, doing away with almost all emotions and living according to pure science, reason and logic.

Take love for example. Love is unnecessary for the survival of our species. In fact it is reasonable to argue that love is a great hindrance to our potential and that we need to overcome it for our species to survive and further evolve. Were it not for love humanity would be freed to reproduce uninhibitedly never taking into consideration such primitive notions as faithfulness and fidelity. Were it not for love we would understand the true meaning of "survival of the fittest," not wasting our time with the sick and infirmed. Imagine how weighed down we are in the evolutionary process because a silly thing like love compels us to do things like help the disabled, educate the mentally challenged and care for the elderly.

If we truly believe in the concept of "survival of the fittest" then we need to understand how much better we will be when we do away with anything that prohibits us emotionally from disposing of that part of humanity which is not "fit."

Interacting with Richard Dawkins - Part I

2009-10-07T09:04:00.001+04:00

Solomon knew what he was talking about

Since essentially all "respectable" scientific theories about the ultimate fate of the universe are grim, with the cosmos either tearing apart, "crunching" in on itself or fizzling out trillions of years into the future, it is logical to conclude that life is utterly meaningless, pointless and hopeless. If we devote all of our energy, knowledge, technology and time for the further development, enlightenment and evolution of our species, we ultimately do so in vain. For even if our species were to reach an evolutionary and technological plane of the highest scientific proportions and possibilities it would still be faced with a future of unstoppable destruction. Why then do we even bother? If there is any "evolved" sense of mercy within us we should devote all of our efforts to bringing the entirety of the human race to a quick, swift and painless end so that we may spare our descendants the terror of that dreaded day. Evolution is a cruel master who does nothing but get our hopes up all the while leading us to ultimate and complete annihilation and rendering null and void the blood, sweat and tears of seemingly endless eons of time.

Coming October 1st

2009-09-29T18:46:00.003+04:00

Your Vote Counts!

2009-08-01T20:23:00.005+04:00

Hey all you Boxers. No I haven't forgotten you, but I need your help. My wife and child are in a photo contest for something truly spectacular, a YEAR'S SUPPLY OF ICE CREAM! Yes, if my wife wins this little photo contest we get a full year's supply of Blue Bunny Ice Cream (like I need it).

So here's what you can do. Visit this link here. It'll take you to a site called "Five Minutes for Special Needs." This is a blog for parents of special needs kids. Now I'm not going to tell you who to vote for. Remember, in election, the one making the choice has the sovereign right to choose. If you're one of our Arminian friends here I ask that you look ahead into the future and see which photo might chose you and then elect it to be the winner. But here is the photo we're hoping will win.

Voting ends soon, so please go and vote today.

On another note, I plan to start posting regularly here again in the next 2 weeks or so, so keep your eyes out.

Dymo LabelWriter 400 Prevalent at SBC 2009

2009-06-27T16:51:00.009+04:00

Louisville, KY -- "Capable of producing over 40 label styles and sizes, the LabelWriter 400 is the small, fast and functional label printer for everyday use," touts the DYMO website.

Well, it apparently can also withstand the pressures of constant convention use. These handy labelers could be seen everywhere at the SBC Convention this week.

"You just can't tell by their look who anyone is any more," said Al Duncer, a 65 year member of a SBC church outside of Little Rock.

In a crowd of nearly 9,000 messengers of all shapes and sizes, it has become almost impossible to distinguish theological stances simply by appearance. Some theological conservatives do wear jeans and have hair covering the ears, while some liberals have perfectly parted hair with spit-shined shoes and a tie tack.

So, how did the Dymo LabelWriter 400 help?

Approximately 50 self-serve Dymo LabelWriter stations were available at strategic points around the halls of the convention center and in the main assembly area. For the perfect cost of $0.00, at any time, anyone could walk up to a station, print out a label, peel off the backing, and stick the label on his own shirt, coat, forehead, arm, etc.

Apparently, for the same cost, and apparently at any time, anyone could print out a label with the words of his choosing and stick it on the back of another individual.

"Those labels sure were helpful," said Duncer. "I really didn't know what 'reformed' meant. It was helpful to see the signs 'depraved,' 'heretic,' and 'alcoholic' on the backs of people to clarify."

The variety of labels seemed limitless, but the number one label was obviously "Calvinist" seen both on the front as well as the back of clothing. Some were written in smaller letters on small labels, while one "C" "A" "L" "V" "I" "N" "I" "S" "T" was spotted wrapped around the head of a young man who used nine 2" wide labels, each with one letter.

Some labels referenced living preachers, such as: Duncanite, Mohlerist, Deverene, and Driscollian. Others, that may have been slapped on the back of people while they were quietly minding their own business included: Moralist, Universalist, Atheist, Bar-Hopper, and Hyper-Piper.

In an email response to TBNN, a Dymo executive said they were willing to provide the LabelWriter 400s to the SBC in hopes that delegates would bring the idea back to their home churches. "From now until July 31, 2009, all SBC churches will receive 20% off."

ESV-Kindle-Only Churches Growing Fast

2009-06-23T15:00:00.001+04:00

A new technological trend is sweeping across vast sections of our country. In particular, this trend can be found in the emerging/emergent church movement. TBNN has discovered that a growing number of these churches have taken a dogmatic stance on the scriptures. They claim to be ESV-Kindle-Only (EKO).

Christ the Redeemer Community Fellowship is currently the fastest growing church in the greater Phoenix, AZ area. It is also unashamedly ESV-Kindle-Only (EKO). David Hopper, lead pastor at Christ the Redeemer, told us, "When we began our church, our people were using all kinds of bibles. It was crazy. We couldn't even follow along when someone else was reading. That's when we decided to go ESV-only. We strongly believe the ESV is the actual word of God, free from any error. All other versions have problems because they have been corrupted."

Gene Carmer, pastor of small groups at Christ the Redeemer, told us, "We used the regular ESV for a while, but it was just taking too long for our people to find bible passages. It required them to know where the different books of the bible are located, etc. Additionally, regular book bibles are really bulky and a pain to carry around. That's when we decided to give Kindle a try. What happened was amazing! Our people were no longer stressed about how to find their way around the bible. They had full electronic access at their finger tips. This is clearly a far better option that the book version of the ESV. The Kindle is also far lighter, especially when compared to the ESV Study Bible."

While many people are happy with this situation (as shown by Christ the Redeemer's 350% growth rate over the past two years), not everyone is thrilled. Frank Jacobs loves his church, but does not like the Kindle. According to Frank, "I'm just not that technologically oriented. I like to bring my ESV book bible with me to church. Ever since the church went EKO, I have been getting stares and rude comments from people. Some church members who I thought were my friends now walk the other way when they see me. Last week was the worst when one young lady pointed at my (non-Kindle) bible and yelled, 'Why do you carry that counterfeit version? It was made by the Devil and belongs in Hell!' I was shocked and didn't know what to say. Now I'm hearing through the grapevine that the pastors are considering bringing church discipline against me and possibly denying me the Lord's Supper."

When we asked about Mr. Jacobs' situation, Pastor Hopper replied, "We in the emerging/emergent movement have been criticized for not saying what we really believe and for not taking a stand on important issues. Well, this is an important issue to us. We strongly believe that the ancient manuscript evidence shows that not only is the ESV the only valid bible version, but that the ESV-Kindle is what Paul would have wanted us to use. We will accept the persecution that comes with being ESV-Kindle-Only. We will not give in on this issue."

Entire Basketball Team Voted "Most Humble"

2009-06-20T18:10:00.004+04:00

Lancaster, PA -- The Calvary Saintly Scholars, a private Christian high school in Lancaster, PA, recently held their sports banquet to honor those students who excelled in athletics during the past year.

Top individual honors went to Eric Jubans, the senior wide receiver who has committed to LSU for his freshman year of college, who was recognized as the football team's MVP. Jubans scored a school record 22 touchdowns during his senior year and a whopping 59 touchdowns during his five years at Calvary, also a school record.

Other notable awards during the evening were received by Trisha Mildridge, for her top district performances in the 100 meter hurdles and the final leg of the 1500 meter relay and Sven Loudskridgt for his unique techniques in the shot put and javelin that earned him all-state honors.

Amidst the individual recognition, the bulk of the evening was devoted to the basketball team. A most curious award was presented to the entire men's basketball team, and received on their behalf by coach Jasper Clement.

The award? ..."Most Humble"

In a PowerPoint presentation of the team statistics provided by Coach Clement, the first slide highlighted playing time. All 14 team members recorded staggeringly similar playing times, ranging from 11:23 per game to 11:26 per game over the entire season. The title of the first slide was "We All Work Equally Hard." As Coach Clement read the slide, the banquet crowd erupted with applause and continued with a full 1-minute standing ovation for the way the coach had allowed all players to play every game.

The second PowerPoint slide stressed the importance of "Ball Time." Ball Time summarized the amount of time that a particular player had possession of the ball, whether holding or bouncing. The Ball Time per game varied a little more, but was still amazingly close, ranging from 1:10 to 1:40 per game for the entire group of 14 players. The banquet crowd once again stood and applauded the effort of the coach and the team.

The third and final slide demonstrated exactly why the entire team had received the Most Humble award for the 2008-2009 season. The title of the slide was "Scoring." The names of all 14 players were listed on the slide in alphabetical order. Beside each name appeared the phrase: "Points Scored: Zero"

During the full season, despite the approximately equal play time and the well-distributed ball time, not a single person on the team ever scored a single point. In fact, Coach Clement was proud to say, "Not a single player ever became arrogant enough to attempt a shot." At this point the crowd once again erupted in applause, but this time for a full 2 minute standing ovation.

Even near the end of the game, when free throws were mandatory after fouls, all Calvary Saintly Scholars humbly passed the ball to an opposing player rather than attempting to shoot.

Coach Clement concluded, "I am so proud of our team for their teamwork. I am so proud of their continuous consideration of others and willingness to pass the ball. I am not concerned that we did not win any games, because we do not want to create arrogant winners. I'm proud of these guys for coming out each and every game with a humble spirit and eagerness to pass the ball. On behalf of the team, I am proud to receive this Most Humble award."

Obama Proposes Government-Funded Salvation

2009-06-16T22:00:00.000+04:00

WASHINGTON, D.C. -As part of a far-reaching restructuring of the United States of America, President Obama announced on Sunday that he is proposing government-funded salvation.

According to the president, "It just isn't right that some people are going to be saved while others aren't. We as a free society have the moral responsibility to see that all people have access to life after death. We, of course, will not force salvation upon anyone. We simply want to make it available to all people."

After pausing for applause, the president continued, "Some folks will be scared by this plan. They will think we are trying to take away the salvation they already have. I can honestly tell them that we have no desire to do that. We simply want to make eternal life readily accessible to all people regardless of belief, lifestyle choice, or background."

Obama went on, "Many will ask how we as a government plan to do this. It is a simple matter of restructuring, downsizing, and limiting waste. First, all churches will register with the government. Second, every American citizen (and undocumented worker) will be notified of three churches that are within driving distance of their residence. Third, and finally, churches will be required to accept and offer salvation to all who enter. No one will be denied salvation."

In conclusion, President Obama said, "We as a nation must take back the moral high ground. How can we take a stand for human rights and at the same time deny salvation to anyone? We must recognize that being saved is a fundamental right that is both implied and promised by the constitution of this great nation. Just as slaves were finally given freedom in the 1860's, today we are granting both spiritual freedom and salvation to all Americans and others. Regardless of what you believe or how you live, salvation will be yours free of charge."

Born in an Armenian Body John Knew Early That He Was a Calvinist

2009-06-13T17:09:00.019+04:00

John William Henry was always good-looking. His teeth never needed braces. His hair never thinned. He had a symmetrical jaw, a pleasant smile, white teeth, broad shoulders, and a trim waste. But he had a secret. He sometimes, in secret prayer, acknowledged God as sovereign over all things.

"I really wanted to be a Calvinist so bad, and that was one way for me to satisfy those feelings," Henry said. "But I always felt like someone was looking over my shoulder."

The desire to be a Calvinist never went away. At age 27, Henry confessed those feelings to his pastor and started seeing a Christian phychologist who suggested Henry was Armenian to Calvinist transreligious. Through constructive surgeries, reverse electrolysis, simulated scar technology, smoking lessons, and an unhealthy diet, John the Armenian became known as John the Calvinist.

While still relatively rare, one advocate estimates that 0.25 to 0.5 percent of all Calvinists are considered "handsome" or "pretty". The idea of changing physical appearance to be accepted by Calvinists has become more widespread in recent years.

Many people who have transitioned, including Henry, say they knew they had been born into the wrong body from childhood. As early as age 3, Henry, born into a good-looking Armenian family, didn't understand why his father wanted him to ignore certain passages in the Bible. As an Armenian, Henry learned at least 3 versions of the sinner's prayer, wrote his second birth date in his Bible, created Popsicle stick figures of all 12 disciples, and weekly wrote cards to missionaries. But he secretly enjoyed praying each morning on his knees, reading the Bible, and discussing Bible truths with his grandfather.

"Now I get up every morning and say, 'Wow, I can actually look at myself in the mirror,' because I've never been able to do that in my life, because that handsome figure that would stare back at me was not me," Henry said.

Doctors speculate that there is a biological foundation to religious identity, but no one has determined what in the biological makeup determines that religion.

"For people who want an Armenian to Calvinist change on a biological level, the first step is to spend more time on the spiritual aspects of the body than the physical," says Altus Nethammer, a personal trainer with Bodies4Life.

It is rare for people to undergo an Armenian to Calvinist transreligious change and then want to reverse it, especially when substantial changes have been made to diet and exercise routines, experts say.

Some transreligious individuals do face some quandaries. Some churches do not simply look at physical appearances for membership and require people to voice and demonstrate proof of their theological beliefs before becoming members.

Henry has experienced some dismay from others around him. Henry said his mother took five years to adjust. One of his brothers still doesn't speak to him. "For the longest time, I really felt like I had a mental illness, but I don't feel that way anymore," Henry said.

Couple Divorces To Fulfill Lord's Will

2009-06-06T15:58:00.016+04:00

Pell City, Mississippi --William and Mary Jackson's marriage lasted for 25 years. It began on June 5, 1984 at First Baptist Church Pell City and ended on June 5, 2009 at a Pell City Notary Office.

Their marriage started out rough. "The first six or seven years were difficult," said Mary. "We were in our early 20's. We were traditional in our ways and had not lived together prior to the marriage. The transition wasn't easy. We both had a lot of unfulfilled expectations."

In the late 1980's they began attending church for friendships, but found something much different. "As I began reading and studying the Bible, I was continually struggling with the way this ancient book was pin-pointing my problem areas," said William. "There was no doubt that I was falling way short of perfection in every area of my life. I was distressed and equated my imperfections with displeasing to God. I had a great burden over this idea. I tried to ignore these deep down feelings of lostness. I tried to distract myself with entertainment and intellectual pursuits. But I could not escape the fact that, one day, death would come, and I would not be able to face God."

"A similar experience happened to me," said Mary. "I'm not a genius, but it did not take me long to figure out that this Bible talked about purpose and meaning that I did not have. I cried out to God to give me help. As I read and studied the Bible, I cried out to God to give me peace from my pain. I needed a rescuer. I found that rescuer in the person of the Lord Jesus Christ."

"It was so simple," said William. "Jesus is the Christ predicted for centuries. The sacrificial system of the Old Testament pointed to a lamb that would die for sins. Christ was brutally crucified during the very time of the Jewish celebration of the Passover when spotless lambs were slaughtered for protection from God's holy judgement of sin. I see now that the Lord Jesus was my substitute. He is the spotless lamb who died for my sins so that I can live."

Even though William and Mary had trusted the Lord with their lives, there were problems. Each day brought new challenges and struggles. But they made a commitment to each other. They renewed their wedding vows, and promised each other that they would stick together. They pledged to strive to be a support for each other under the guidance of the Holy Spirit no matter how difficult things got in their lives. They were committed to reading the Bible and praying together daily. They began every day early with a Bible passage and prayer and coffee. Each day, they asked God for guidance and blessings.

As the years passed, they stressed over the pains of raising children and working and making ends meet financially. They always spent too much at Christmas. They usually went too far with spending at birthdays and vacations. They often argued over little things. With young kids in the car, they sometimes screamed at the cars in front of them to speed up to go through yellow lights so they wouldn't be late for the T-ball game or dance recital. Their married days were filled with tears and joy.

But despite their continual, daily failing to be perfect, they found joy in the Lord as they repented for their sins of the day, thanked God that they were not condemned because of the work of Christ alone, held each other, and woke the next morning seeking the Lord's will for their lives.

Through it all, they attempted each morning to awake, open God's Word, and pray together to the Lord asking for His leading by the Holy Spirit. They humbled themselves before the Lord each morning and thanked the Lord that He, and He alone, is everything and deserves all glory.

Despite the pains and troubles of the week, they took the family to met with fellow believers each Sunday morning for Bible study and a worship service. As they sat together in the pew of the church building, they held hands and prayed, bowing to God to give them strength in all things.

"William has so many faults," said Mary. "I know I have many also. But we always had the belief that as we bowed low to the Lord each day together, we could then hold our head's high because of God's grace and mercy."

However, after 25 years of marriage, William and Mary awoke on June 5, 2009 for their normal prayer time. They both had the feeling that they were being led to get a divorce. They visited a Pell City notary and signed the papers that afternoon.

Dysfunctional Church Agrees on Ushers Wearing Suit Coats

2009-06-02T14:00:00.001+04:00

MACON, GA - The First Baptist Church of Macon has a long history of being dysfunctional. In the church's 177 year history, there have been 27 church splits, 98 pastors (83 of whom were fired or resigned), and 7 discontinued building projects. Throughout the city of Macon, FBC-Macon has a reputation as a place of strife and discord.

The deacon board of FBC wanted to do something to change this (the church is currently without a pastor, having forced the latest pastor to resign in February when word was leaked that he is not an Atlanta Braves fan). The board, therefore, held a meeting of all 66 active deacons on May 25th. The goal was to come together as a church in a tangible way to show the church family and community that FBC-Macon is not, in fact, dysfunctional.

For the first hour or so, several of the deacons suggested that the church reach out to Macon in a meaningful way. Unfortunately, the board could not agree on what to do or how to do it. For the second hour, the board attempted to come up with some way to help folks within the church. No agreement could be found. During the third hour of the board meeting, the 66 men tried to come together on some way to refurbish the church buildings. No agreement came - just frustration and a little yelling.

Finally, after much work and discussion, all 66 men found something they could agree upon. This will be a sign to the church and community beyond that FBC-Macon is a united church. The deacons agreed that all ushers must wear suit coats during the morning worship services. During the evening services, either a suit coat OR a tie is required, but not both.

FBC Deacon Chairman Phil Simmons said of the outcome, "We are thrilled about this decision. We are certain that it will help us fulfill the Great Commission!"

There was much rejoicing.

The Posse of San Diego Not Required to Pay for Permit

2009-05-30T18:35:00.006+04:00

San Diego, California – The Posse of San Diego, a community of thinkers in the city of San Diego, is considered by many to be an emerging church. But with the recent inquisition into the definition of a religious assembly with respect to a nearby home Bible Study, some members of The Posse of San Diego questioned if a Religious Assembly Permit should be required for their own activities.

The Posse of San Diego, a cohort without hierarchy, allows membership to anyone who attests to the phrase: “Jesus is”. The statement may be made verbally, electronically, in writing, or in deep thought. The “deep thought” acknowledgement may be made through a raised hand, pointed finger, or gentle nodding of the head. At a gathering of the Posse on Thursday night, one member asked those present the same questions reportedly asked of the nearby Bible Study participants:

Do you regularly meet?
Do you say “amen”?
Do you pray?
Do you say “praise the Lord”?

“We agreed unanimously that the answers to these four questions were undeniably ‘No!’” said the unidentified member. “We appealed Friday morning to San Diego officials to continue to assemble without permit after our current Religious Assembly Permit expires in July. Local San Diego officials said they had no problem allowing us to meet without permit since we were able to answer ‘No!’ to the four questions. This is great news, saving The Posse an estimated $3,250 per year.”

You Don't Have to Turn There... OOOp-See!

2009-05-23T16:38:00.007+04:00

Vicky Hertock is a student of the Bible. She knows all the books in order forward, as well as backward. She can even say them forward quickly, yet clearly, in 17.4 seconds.

With her physical leather-bound Bible, she can find any given verse in less than 2 seconds very naturally with little effort. That’s where the first part of the problem lies. The second part lies in her seemingly inability to restrain her lips in one particular situation.

Here is the typical scenario: A pastor, from the pulpit, will say something like: “We know from John 1:1 that the Lord Jesus was with God the Father at creation. .. but you don’t have to turn there.” That is the point where Vicky uncontrollably blurts out, “OOOp-See” because, for her, it is too late. She has already turned to the passage.

The problem occurs commonly with Romans 8, an often cited passage that is worked into most sermons. “We know from Romans 8 that there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, but you don’t have to turn there.” “OOOp-See!” says Vicky, just loud enough for the congregation to hear.

“I really don’t think it’s a matter of her showing out or bragging in any way,” said Earl Hertock, Vicky’s husband. “It’s just her natural reaction when she does something that she wasn’t supposed to do. It’s her word… ‘OOOp-See’ that is. She says it all the time automatically at the house if she drops a sock while doing laundry or splashes some gravy while fixing her mash potatoes.”

Most of Vicky’s Sunday School teachers and pastors through the years have learned to simply not say, “You don’t have to turn there” when Vicky is in the audience. “I was trained very early on by Vicky’s unintentional conditioning techniques,” said long time friend and regular Bible Study partner, Florence Germain.

But during a recent women’s conference, Vicky’s presence was well known in the crowd. Every single speaker during that day used the phrase at least once. One speaker used it 4 times and each time was awarded with an “OOOp-See!” This particular lady, near the end, said “In Matthew 28, we know that the Lord Jesus asked us to make disciples as we are going, but you don’t have to…. um… you don’t… um… have to… um… be a rocket scientist to make disciples,” as the small crowd around Vicky held their breath and then finally exhaled.

It even happened at a Beth Moore live seminar. Moore was speaking, “…You can eat a whole meal off my floor! Amen? Now Martha is the kind that was never far from her Lysol or her Oust. She was just that kind. And you may say, how do I know that? Because—I’m going to show you how I know that because she is the most wonderful thing to study. I want you to hear this part in John chapter 11. You don’t have to turn there…”

“OOOp-See!” says Vicky, receiving a pause and briefly turned head from Moore.

Note: TBNN intern Sandy Kay researched the term “you don’t have to turn there” using the Google search engine. When searching for “you don’t have to turn there” (including the quotes), Google only generated results referring to discussions of Bible passages or the Manitoba Public Utilities Board.

Muslim Declares Jihad on Southern Baptist Potluck

2009-05-19T11:00:00.000+04:00

ALEXANDRIA, VA - Omar-Khalid Akram moved from Iraq to the United States in October 2008. He told TBNN, "I love my homeland, but I needed to get away from the difficulty there. Although the violence has subsided, the country is still in shambles as far as infrastructure is concerned. I decided to move here and start a new life."

Akram, a widower, moved to the Washington, D.C. area because of the large Muslim population. However, he did not realize he was also moving into the northern reaches of where Southern Baptists live. This is where the trouble began.

After moving into a subdivision, Akram quickly found out that he had no Islamic neighbors. Also, the nearest mosque was a 35 minute trip away. He felt alone and isolated.

After about a month of loneliness, Akram heard a knock on his door. When he opened it, Terry Davis was standing on the other side. Neither man would ever be the same.

Terry, a Southern Baptist deacon and Sunday School teacher, also happens to be Akram's next door neighbor. Terry introduced himself and asked if he could help Akram in any way. Terry also invited Akram to attend his SBC church the next day. Akram was so lonely (and curious) that he accepted the invitation.

Little did Akram know that after the Sunday morning service, all the folks at the church were having a potluck dinner.

When Akram followed Terry through the food line, he faced a problem. He could not tell what any of the food actually was. He had never seen so many casseroles before. He had no idea what was under each mysterious covering. Also, Akram could not decipher what the different vegetables were.

The end came when Akram took his first few bites. Bystander Phil Vickers describes it this way, "Akram smiled at us and said that he enjoyed the service and fellowship. He then told us how much he was enjoying the food. After a few minutes, he asked what he was eating. When we told him his plate was full of Aunt Mildred's pork-barbecue special and Susy's green beans with a ham-hock, Akram turned red in the face and ran from the room."

Ever since, Akram has refused to even open the door to Terry or anyone else from the church.

Akram also contacted the press soon after his visit to the church. He told the local CNN affiliate, "I am a faithful Muslim. I love Allah and serve him in all I do. I was invited to a church, and out of curiosity I attended. That is where I was more insulted than I have ever been. Those Christians confused me by serving all sorts of disguised food. I tried to be polite and eat some of it. I later found out that I had eaten pork and ham, which Allah forbids."

Akram continued, "From this time forward, I declare jihad on Southern Baptist potluck meals. The government should require Baptist churches to label all their food so people like me do not eat something forbidden. If this does not happen, I will have to take things into my own hands."

Akram did not elaborate on what he meant.

Man "Debunks" His Own Birth

2009-05-16T16:57:00.006+04:00

Earl Bartman, 37, was once convinced that his mother bore him and loved him. But recent discoveries have caused him to dismiss his old beliefs as mere myths.

“I began to study the events surrounding my so-called birth. There were many discrepancies that just did not make sense. My so-called mother had one account in her diary. My so-called father had another verbal account which I had transcribed. Many so-called facts simply did not match. There was also a birth announcement in the local paper that was well-preserved, but it was not in line with some of the statements of my so-called mother and my so-called father.

“My so-called mother didn’t even have a typewriter at the time of my birth. Therefore, the newspaper account must have been a forgery, typed by someone else.

“My so-called mother told the story of how, immediately after I was supposedly born, two nurses took me and cleaned me. While, my so-called father had a completely different memory of only one nurse who bathed me and measured me immediately after I was born. These inconsistencies cannot be reconciled.

“All of the so-called records of my birth have been completely destroyed. I performed research at the hospital and all that remains are copies of copies of copies of all the original paperwork. And these copies are not even on paper, but on microfilm that must be printed to get a paper copy. When I print out the copies, they are not always clear. So to believe I was really born to this woman and man at this hospital, I would have to believe that this information stored on this film was actually created from real documents from the time of my so-called birth and signed by my so-called mother and my so-called father over 37 years ago and somehow preserved through time. I can’t even find last month’s electric bill in my house, and I’m supposed to believe that some disinterested parties have taken the time to preserve my birth records from 37 years ago?
“When I interviewed my grandparents, they all seemed to have very close to the same story. But not one of them was in the room during my so-called birth. My so-called mother’s mother, who I used to call Grammy, said that I was born on March 5, 1972. I asked her how she knew for sure, and all she could do was say ‘because I remember’ and went to get the same newspaper clipping I had already dismissed as a forgery.

“My so-called father’s mother, who I used to call Me-maw, also claimed the same date, but also was not in the room of my so-called birth. She tried to explain that my so-called mother’s belly swelled slowly over 9 months or so. She tried to explain that it went down a little after that, and my so-called parents brought me home on March 9, 1972, but she again had no proof other than her memory. Her memory was not reliable because I asked her to show me her latest electric bill or just tell me the amount of it, and she failed that test.

“I discovered that all of these so-called witnesses to my birth were simply stating what my so-called mother and so-called father had relayed to them. The divergence of facts of my so-called mother’s and so-called father’s stories only compounded the questions.

“I went back to the hospital that stored the documents to let me speak to the doctor and nurses who delivered me. I only received blank stares for the first few moments. The lady at the information counter stumbled and stammered over quite a few words, tripping over herself continually, and then she went back to a state of blank stares. I refused to leave, and to my shame, even became a bit violent to the point that I was escorted out by two security guards. I could tell by the way they were staring at each other that they were part of a vast conspiracy. They did not want to say it, but I could tell on their faces by the way that they glanced at each other when I asked for proof of my birth. They knew they were caught. They would not admit it, but they knew that I knew that I had never been born.

Update: Evolutionist Finally Proves that God Does Not Exist

2009-05-14T13:30:00.000+04:00

LOS ANGELES, CA - In response to this post, Dr. Francis Welland of UCLA pulled his head out of the sand yesterday and made an amazing assertion. According to Dr. Welland, "I have finally proven once and for all that God does not exist. I know this will make my supporters happy. We are all overjoyed and relieved to have arrived at this day."

Dr. Welland, speaking to an introductory level biology class, continued, "How can I make this claim? This is how: I have been everywhere there is to be. I have seen everything there is to see. I have heard everything there is to hear. I have done everything there is to do. In light of my experiences and research, I can faithfully say to you today that God does not exist. I have not seen nor heard him; therefore, there is no God."

At the conclusion of his announcement, Dr. Welland's students gave him a standing ovation.

UCLA is this morning considering giving Dr. Welland a promotion to full professor status, a paid writing leave of absence, and an honorary doctorate at the December 2009 commencement.

Evolutionist Ignores Evidence, Literally Buries Head in Sand

2009-05-12T15:00:00.001+04:00

SAN DIEGO, CA - California is known to be a place where bizarre behavior is the norm, but something beyond that happened last week east of San Diego.

Last Thursday afternoon, the San Diego State University science foundation hosted a creation/evolution debate for the entire student body. At last count, it appears that between 600-700 students attended. As the debate began, it was clear that the student body favored Dr. Francis Welland, an evolutionary biology professor from UCLA. As he was introduced, the crowd applauded enthusiastically. A few even shouted, "Boo-yeah!"

After the audience calmed down, Dr. Ken Ham from Answers in Genesis was introduced. Dr. Ham received a smattering of applause, but was also simply booed by several of the students. More than a handful openly snickered.

After the initial introductions, the debate began. Each man was asked a question, and then the opponent was allowed time to respond. The questions were supplied during the previous week by students in the audience.

Based on initial behavior, it was clear that the professors and students in attendance expected and wanted Dr. Welland to annihilate Dr. Ham with the scientific evidence. Unfortunately for Dr. Welland, that is not what happened.

The audio transcript makes it clear that while Dr. Welland answered questions by generally calling names and talking condescendingly, Dr. Ham simply presented the actual scientific evidence in a polite manner. As the debate wore on, it became clear to all that Dr. Welland was losing. Students began to file out of the auditorium. Dr. Welland began to sweat and became a bit nauseated. Dr. Ham continued to state devastating fact after devastating fact.

Finally, after about 70 minutes of debate, Dr. Welland couldn't take it any more. Dr. Ham had just asked him to explain how life began in the first place. When Dr. Welland answered by saying that either aliens brought the first living creatures to earth or they formed on the backs of crystals, the students that remained either groaned or laughed. At that point, Dr. Welland decided to end the debate early. As he sprinted off the stage, he was heard shouting, "I don't want to hear any more facts! You can't confuse me with the evidence!"

Dr. Welland then drove about two hours eastward into the desert to Ocotillo Wells, CA. After arriving, Dr. Welland literally buried his head in the sand (see above photo).

Millerville Baptist Axes Mother's Day Recognitions

2009-05-09T16:39:00.007+04:00

Van Cleave, AL -- Millerville Baptist Church will not hold its annual Mother's Day recognitions during this year's Mother's Day service, ending a 40 year old tradition.

Over the past four decades, Millerville has awarded "prizes" for (1) Newest Mother, (2) Oldest Mother, (3) Mother with the Most Children, and (4) Mother with the Most Children Present. "It will be impossible for us to have a repeat of last year's incident this year because we are not carrying on the tradition this year," said pastor Will Scholls.

There have been occasional moments of awkwardness through the years, but the 2008 Mothers Day recognitions at Millerville were a total disaster.

To begin, Meagan Freemont, 24, had dreamed all of her life of receiving the Newest Mother award and even planned the timing of her marriage and subsequent pregnancy to coincide with the event. But the grand total of two weeks of life amassed by her daughter, May Elizabeth, caused Meagan to lose out to a 14 year old, out-of-wedlock mother who happened to be visiting from Mississippi with her 4 day old son. Heads turned quickly as the young girl on the back row answered "four days" when song leader Lester Scott asked "Has anyone been a mother for less than 2 weeks?" assuming there would be none as he approached Meagan. Lester was stunned for a moment before proceeding to the back to hand the young girl the corsage prize as Meagan began crying. The scene became very ugly when Meagan's tears turned to furious outbursts, where she was heard screaming "harlot" amidst many other angry words on more than one occasion during the rest of the service.

Lester wanted to quickly move on to Oldest Mother and immediately asked all mothers over 80 to raise a hand. About a dozen hands went up in the small sanctuary, and went down 1-by-1 as Lester counted up to 88 when two hands remained. As he counted "89, 90, 91, 92, 93," two hands remained. When he said "94" both hands went down. The crowd applauded that both mothers had reached 93 years old. But here is where the mistake occurred. Lester then asked each lady "In which month were you born?" Mrs. Arnder answered "February," and Mrs. Weathersby answered "November." Lester mistakenly concluded, "February is before November, so the corsage goes to Mrs. Arnder." Two quiet CPAs, a mechanical engineer, and young Bobby Wilson immediately began jerking their heads around in disbelief that this mathematical error was actually occurring. But it had, and Mrs. Arnder was holding a corsage meant for Mrs. Weathersby. When TBNN representatives interviewed young Bobby about the error, he said, "Mrs. Weathersby seemed to be doing fine without her flowers, so I didn't say nothing at the time."

Things visibly heated up again though when Lester was unsure whether to award the Mother With the Most Children corsage to Mrs. Thelma Gentry who bore eight children or Mrs. Yvone Henderson who bore five children, was a step mother to two children from her second marriage, had adopted two later in life, and even sponsored two children through Help Save the Children. He made the decision to award the corsage to Yvone, but not without a few gasps and many whispers.

You would think Mother with the Most Children Present would have been easy, but a problem arose. Melissa Williams had all four of her children present and was about to receive the corsage when Jennifer Lawson, who had three children visibly present, decided this was the right time to announce that she was pregnant with twins. The ceremonies stalled for almost 10 full minutes as bitter discussions ensued and several physical altercations broke out. Lester could not calm things down, and eventually handed the flowers to Jennifer Lawson, announced his resignation, left the church and has not been seen to this day. Without a song leader, the services ended and everyone left.

Sermons on Wordle

2009-05-05T05:00:00.005+04:00

(Click directly on the picture to enlarge the sermon text.)

Arminian Church Sermon

Catholic Church Sermon

Charismatic Church Sermon

Health-Wealth Church Sermon

KJV-Only Church Sermon

Liberal Church Sermon

Mormon Church Sermon

Southern Baptist Church Sermon

Youth Group Sermon

In case you were wondering: Tom in the Box on Wordle

Smith Family Plans Funeral and BBQ Reunion

2009-05-02T17:09:00.009+04:00

Van Cleave, AL -- In lieu of flowers, the family of William Smith is asking that friends and loved ones send donations to the Baby Back Rib Palace in Van Cleave, Alabama.

Mr. Smith was one week shy of his 100th birthday, when he died early Saturday morning at his home. A previously scheduled family reunion to celebrate his 100th birthday will still take place on Saturday, May 9th at the park within Pine Gardens Memorial Resting Field after the internment.

Gift certificates for the Baby Back Rib Palace can be purchased in $10, $25, $50, and $100 denominations. Order online at www.bbribspalacevancleave.com or call 555-0713. A list of donors will be provided to the family.

Cowboy Takes New Middle Position in Calvinism-Arminianism Debate

2009-04-28T06:00:00.000+04:00

TULSA, OK - Terry Newton has two loves in life. The first is roping cattle. The second is studying theology. According to Terry, "There's a lot of time to think and read my bible as I sit on my horse and watch the cattle graze."

Terry is a long-time member of the Evangelical Theological Society (ETS). He reportedly likes a good theological discussion almost as much as a T-Bone steak. Terry not only reads and discusses theology, but also writes a good deal. His latest article was recently published in the ETS Journal.

The title of this groundbreaking article is, "A New Middle Position - Finding Two Truths in the Bible."

According to Terry, "After much study of the Bible, I have come to the conclusion that some people at birth are spiritually dead, while others are just spiritually dying. God knew who would be dead, and chose some of those unconditionally for salvation. Of those who were dying, God didn't choose any, but rather left the choice up to them. As for the atonement, God limits the application of Christ's death to those He chose of the spiritually dead, but allows it to be applied to all of the spiritually dying who choose Him."

Terry continued, "When God calls to some of the spiritually dead, His call is effective. All who are called end up placing their faith in Christ. On the other hand, God does not effectively call any of the spiritually dying, but rather simply calls out to them, hoping that they will respond. He would be too much of a gentleman to force the dying to get saved. Finally, regarding perseverance, God keeps those that He chooses - none are lost. However, those who ultimately choose Him have the freedom to reject Him later - they are not firmly held by God to anything."

When asked how two seemingly opposing views can be reconciled like this, he responded, "There are just so many good people on both sides of this debate. For example, when we look at history, the Calvinism side has Luther, Calvin (of course), Zwingli, Owen, Edwards, Spurgeon, Carey, Judson, etc. The Arminian side has Arminius, Wesley, and a bunch of popes. Well, I guess it's not that even. As for today, the Calvinists have MacArthur, Piper, Sproul, Mahaney, Mohler, Begg, Ferguson, Carson, Baucham, White, and Grudem. The Arminians have Geisler, Patterson, and, well, I suppose that isn't even either."

TBNN inquired, "What is your real motivation here? Why this new theory?"

Terry finally admitted, "I just want everyone to get along. Can't we all get along?"

NBA Takes KJV-Only Position

2009-04-21T16:00:00.000+04:00

NEW YORK, NY - The National Basketball Association (NBA) announced on Monday that from this point forward it is taking a King-James-Only position on the bible.

According to Commissioner David Stern, "In the past the NBA has promoted the use of various bibles amongst its players. Because we desire and expect the best of morals in our league, we have always wanted bibles to be present in our arenas, training facilities, locker rooms, hotels, and team planes and buses. Within just the last five years we have distributed thousands of copies of the NIV, NKJV, ESV, and NLT. We never could get any of the players to read The Message. Regardless, we have made the decision today to change to the KJV only. In light of all the best manuscript evidence, the KJV is clearly the only God-inspired version that is readily accessible today. And don't even get me started on the Hebrew and Greek originals. Those have been long lost."

The result of this announcement was much confusion among the players.

Kobe Bryant was heard to say, "The KJV is fine if you speak 1611 English. I prefer my ESV because I'm Reformed and therefore trust the editors."

Dwayne Wade explained, "I know it may not be a word-for-word translation, but I really like my NIV. It's what I've grown up with."

Dirk Nowitski said, "German is first language. Do I now have read in English? English not my heart language!"

According to Shaquille O'Neal, "Uhhh...."

After several hours of confusion, Commissioner Stern made another statement to the press, "LeBron James is the biggest star in our league. He is our King James. Therefore, we are going with the bible that is named after him. Thank you."

First "We're Not A Church" of Baton Rouge

2009-04-18T08:03:00.017+04:00

Baton Rouge, LA -- "We're not a Church," explained senior non-pastor Alvin Winters. "We do not want to be mistaken for a church. We do not meet in a church. We do not have members like a church. We simply get together and express the possibility of a god, whomever he or she might or might not be."

Most of the time, the First We're Not A Church of Baton Rouge does not even meet on Sunday morning. "We sing or rap anytime," said non-minister of music Samuel Gladstone. "Common times for gathering are Monday through Thursday from 10 to midnight. Many people feel they are better able to get to the heart of expressing the god within themselves in the later evenings."

Wendy Peabody, the youth non-leader, thinks it's very important to explicitly denounce the word "church" to attract today's younger crowd. "Some places do not use the word 'church' on the marquee, using simple names such as 'The Gathering Place' or 'Winthrope's Village.' That can be misleading. Such places are actually churches attempting to disguise their true churchness. But at First We're Not A Church of Baton Rouge, everyone knows we are not a church. There is no misunderstanding."

Though our slogan is 'Let's Just Have a Conversation' there's no obligation to speak," added Alvin. "We commonly conversate without words by feeling each others touch non-physically. So...why don't you drop by some non-Sunday for some non-School?"

Extraordinary, Amazing, Outstanding, Fabulous Women and Their God Conference

2009-04-14T20:00:00.000+04:00

CHICAGO, IL - Inspired by other women-focused get-togethers, a new conference will be heading our way in October of this year. The Extraordinary, Amazing, Outstanding, Fabulous Women and Their God Conference (EAOFWATGC) will be held in Chicago at the United Center from the 15th to the 17th. The purpose of this conference will be to look at how many ways God has made women to be the amazing creatures they are.

According to EAOFWATGC spokesperson Tammy Gelf, "We want to take some time out to focus on the extraordinary creatures that God has made us. We will have speakers and sessions that specifically discuss our being made in the image of God, our capacity for good, our ability to be holy, our capacity to give birth, our potential to be role models, and our gift to our husbands of being a Proverbs 31 wife."

We at TBNN inquired as to whether or not God would be the focus of this self-described Christian conference. Ms. Gelf responded, "Of course. We will begin with an opening prayer, thanking God for making us the absolutely incredible creatures we are. After that, our great line-up of speakers will begin. Although all the speakers have not yet been named, I'll tell you a few: Victoria Osteen, Paula White, Joyce Meyer, and author Karen Kingsbury. We thought about asking Ann Graham Lotz, but we were afraid she might mention sin or something like that. What we want is for the ladies who attend to leave this place excited about who they are. God has made us fabulous creatures. We should be excited about that!"

It's All About Ewe Service

2009-04-11T17:38:00.009+04:00

Denture, TX -- "The real meaning of Easter is so exciting. I'm so excited, and we want the kids to be excited. We want the parents to be excited that their kids are excited," said Garland Christofsen, senior pastor of Big Toys Assembly, a large church-type group in Denture, Texas.

Christofsen says he wants all children to understand the real meaning of Easter, that's why his "church" is conducting an It's All About Ewe service this Easter Sunday morning in place of the regularly scheduled morning services.

In addition to placing 100,000 plastic eggs in the 15,000 seat sanctuary/auditorium, bonus prizes will include seven 52" Samsung flat panel LCD TVs with a contrast ratio of 35,000:1 and three European vacation packages for a family of 4 (including London, Paris, Berlin, and Rome) valued at $11,800. The grand prize is a Mercedes-Benz R-Class 7-passenger luxury sports utility vehicle.

The phrase of the day is "It's All About Ewe." Parents and children will receive a red ticket each time they find an egg together, look each other in the face, and scream "IT'S ALL ABOUT EWE." Each red ticket enters the child/parent pair into the drawing to receive one of the bonus prizes.

"The Bible says somewhere in the New Testament that Jesus is the Lamb of God," said Pastor Christofsen. "A ewe is a lamb. Get it? Easter is all about Jesus. So, when a kid finds a plastic egg filled with candy and also get a chance at one of our magnificent door prizes by screaming 'It's all about ewe' in his parent's face, they will really be screaming about Jesus, the real meaning of Easter."

Pastor Christofsen hopes that people will not confuse their It's All About Ewe service in Denture, Texas with the Easter Egg Hunt in Denton, Texas scheduled for today. "We would not feel right about having a service that did not focus on Jesus."

Professor Finally Disproves the Resurrection

2009-04-07T20:00:00.000+04:00

DURHAM, NC - Dr. Edwin Barkley (pictured here), Distinguished Professor of New Testament Studies at Duke Divinity School, has reportedly succeeded in a life-long dream. According to a recent Duke press report, Dr. Barkley has finally disproved the resurrection of Jesus Christ.

Dr. Barkley graciously granted us an interview on the momentous occasion.

TBNN: Dr. Barkley, could you please fill us in on your goal and findings?

Barkley: It would be a privilege. I must back up a bit. I was raised in a mainline United Methodist Church. We were told from early on that Jesus rose from the dead. I loved this story until I reached high school. At that point, with the help of my public high school biology teacher, I realized that people simply do not rise from the dead. Any faith I had soon crashed to the ground. Since that time, I have wanted other people to realize that although Jesus was a great teacher and example to all of us, he is still dead. Additionally, God does not exist.

TBNN: How have you disproved that Christ was resurrected?

Barkley: It simply cannot happen. I've looked at 10,000 deaths recorded in the United States over the past three years. None of those people came back to life. Therefore, Jesus couldn't come back either.

TBNN: But, sir, that is looking only at other people's lives, not the life of Jesus. Don't you see a problem with that?

Barkley: No.

TBNN: What do you have to say about the biblical record? All four gospel writers tell us that Jesus did rise from the dead.

Barkley: Those are simply fairy tales from a simpler time.

TBNN: What about the fact that we have a tremendous number of very old New Testament manuscripts that consistently speak of a resurrection?

Barkley: The manuscripts may be consistent, but the fact remains that no one rises from the dead.

TBNN: What about the over 500 witnesses that could have spoken out against the claim of a resurrection? Should they all be discounted?

Barkley: The ancients probably had good intentions, but they didn't understand modern science.

TBNN: What do you have to say about the terrible deaths that 11 of the 12 disciples endured for Christ? Why would they have been willing to die for someone who didn't come back to life?

Barkley: That is not evidence; it is just folktales.

TBNN: Some skeptics over the years have turned to Christ in faith. One great example is C.S. Lewis. What do you think happened there?

Barkley: Lewis was a fool. nothing more needs to be said.

TBNN: Soon after Jesus' life, a new phenomenon called the church came into being. This phenomenon spread rapidly across the Roman Empire. Do you think this could have happened if the resurrection is not true?

Barkley: This is all circumstantial and anecdotal evidence. It proves nothing.

TBNN: So you do not believe there is any solid evidence for the resurrection?

Barkley: No. In fact, I've proven it because it cannot happen. There, I've said it again. Since I've said the resurrection cannot happen, then it cannot happen. I'll keep saying it until others start believing it.

TBNN: Dr. Barkley, with all due respect, we don't see much evidence on your part.

Barkley: Listen closely to me. Here's my evidence: It can't happen. That settles it.

The Lucky Day Roulette Bible

2009-04-04T16:46:00.010+04:00

Atlantic City, NJ -- The Lucky Day Roulette Bible is here!

Yes folks! There is now no need to worry about whether you are using enough randomness in choosing your Bible reading for the day (or week).

Instead of using the old "flip open the Bible" method or even the "let the Bible fall open" method, why not totally randomize your Bible reading experience and give some of those verses in Genesis and Revelation a better chance?

In searching for guidance for our day, we've all done it. We've thought, "Lord give me a verse," and then flipped open our Bible. Maybe some of us even closed our eyes and dropped our finger on the page in an attempt to receive specific guidance from the Lord for the moment.

But after a few times of doing this, we begin to realize that we can actually aim for certain parts of the New and Old Testament. It's no secret that Psalms is directly in the center of most Bibles. Half way between the center and the end, most can find Matthew. Equipped with this knowledge of the Bible, some individuals are really using their own minds and intellect to choose Bible passages rather than hearing directly from the Lord.

But the Lucky Day Roulette Bible will totally remove your mind from the verse selection process, which must mean the Lord is doing the guiding. By spinning the specially designed roulette wheel 3 times on the front of the Bible, and referring to the easy to follow chart just before Genesis, you are ensured of totally randomizing your choice of the Bible's 31,103 verses (we use the 15 verse version of 3 John).

You may not realize it, but if you do not randomize your Bible verse for the day, your physiology (in other words, your flesh) may be guiding you. "For first timers, the flip open the Bible method actually has a lot to do with the size of the thumb and the left- or right-handedness of the flipper," says Dr. Marla Wiggins, Distinguished Research Statistician at Rutgers University.

"Some have heard the old statistic that if a child is not saved by the time he or she is 12, there is only a 1% chance for salvation in the older years. This statistic is dominated by right-handed children whose thumbs fall directly into the four gospels during the flip open the Bible method. My studies find that left-handed men over 18 with large thumbs actually experience a very high salvation rate," explained Dr. Wiggins.

So why not take your mind and your flesh out of equation? Get your Lucky Day Roulette Bible today!

You Write the Photo Caption

2009-04-03T05:27:00.001+04:00

Twitter Church

2009-03-31T23:58:00.004+04:00

LONG BEACH, CA - Rev. Daniel Vickers moved to California from Arkansas three years ago. His desire was to plant a church that would reach out to the vast lost population in Southern Cal. Despite his best attempts, Vickers struggled to get anyone to join his church. About six months ago, he realized that he needed to meet the population right where they are.

According to Vickers, "When I moved here, I tried to get people to come to a specific location for church. Nobody wanted to do it. I never even had a chance to do any expository preaching or singing Just As I Am. No one at all wanted to actually come to any sort of gathering. That's when I realized that I needed to contextualize to meet people where they are."

"I needed a new idea. That's when that Facebook guy inspired me."

Vickers dropped actually talking to people and began watching. He quickly found out that people in Long Beach basically don't talk face-to-face to one another anymore. A few use cell phones to talk, but the majority text all the time. In light of this, Vickers decided to plant what he believes to be the first Twitter Church.

Vickers told us (this time excited), "I now share with people all the time. I update my Twitter status at least 4 times per hour. Sundays are when things really get special. I now have a group of people that all watch and read as I update my status repeatedly on Sundays from 11 AM to noon. During that hour, I send hymns and sermon notes via Twitter. We also text on our cells during that time. Last week one person even got saved. Although I don't know who he is or where he lives exactly, I'm thrilled to add one more to the Kingdom.

"We have decided to name our church The Loving Twitter Community Fellowship. This is why we have a heart in our Logo above the Twitter name. Anyway, as we continue to grow we will gradually increase our technological capacity. Over the last three months, we have gone from 1 member (me) to over 700 members. According to the Pew Forum, we are currently the fastest growing church in California, and second fastest in the entire country. Only Lakewood Church is growing faster!"

When asked if he actually knows any of the members or if they ever get together, Vickers replied, "I know them by their statuses. They are constantly telling me how they are doing, what they are doing, who they are with, etc. We don't need to actually get together physically to be a church. The key is that we care about one another, even if we don't actually know what the others look like."

Vickers said that he foresees a time when all church buildings will become obsolete. "When people can stay in touch this easily, why would they want to take the time to get together? Just Twitter - it's that easy."

Man Explains How He "Dedicated His Hands" To The Lord

2009-03-28T15:35:00.010+03:00

Memphis, TN -- He rises at 5:45 am each morning and begins a process that few could maintain. The routine begins by removing custom fitted lambskin gloves and ends with a light coating of Jurlique Rose Hand Cream. The 18-step process takes approximately two hours and includes a ten minute soak in buttermilk followed by a three minute rinse with apple cider vinegar to remove any remaining dead skin cells.

Why does he do it? Well, Jasper Willington is always quick to answer, "Three years ago, I dedicated my hands to the Lord. Just look at these palms!"

Since Jasper dedicated his hands to the Lord, he has had to give up many things. "It's unfortunate, but I can no longer perform any manual labor with my hands." Jasper has placed himself on a strict regimen that does not allow him to drive, cook, lift, type, mow, button, make the bed, or touch another living thing.

Some may wonder how a human could give up so much. "It's totally worth it knowing that my hands are dedicated to the Lord and the Lord alone. Every time I look at my hands, I think 'thank you, Lord for giving me such hands that I can give back to you.'"

TIME Article Impacts Baby Boy Names

2009-03-24T16:00:00.002+03:00

As most of our readers already know, TIME magazine has reported that the "New Calvinism" is one of "The 10 Ideas Changing the World Right Now." Whether or not this article is true, whether or not it means anything at all, and whether or not it matters is up for debate. Many Calvinists say that the "New Calvinism" is simply the "Old Calvinism." Many Arminians simply hope all this excitement will slowly fade away.

One unexpected result of the TIME article has been an immediate impact on baby boy names. The research department here at TBNN has discovered that since the announcement of the TIME article, certain names have become much more popular for baby boys almost over night. Conversely, the choice of other names has fallen off dramatically.

The results are as follows (first name, followed by percentage change):

Calvin: +500%

Luther: +200%

Ulrich: +15%

Owen: +75%

Edwards: +150%

Spurgeon: +80%

Piper: +750%

R.C.: +50%

Alistair: +80%

Wesley: -300%

Jacobus: -600%

We are also happy to report that the name "Osteen," which had been on the rise for several years, now appears to have plateaued. No information is yet available as to the effect the new Osteen Bible will have on future baby names.

Double-Tithing AIG Exec Has No Regrets

2009-03-20T15:23:00.002+03:00

Dallas, TX -- Bill Houser, 47, is one of the AIG mid-level executive who received a bonus last week. A lifelong resident of Dallas, Texas, Houser has dutifully flown home each weekend to attend church at First Baptist Church, Dallas. While there, he has joyfully double tithed on his most recent income.

For those of you unfamiliar with the term, tithing is an ancient tradition practiced by the ancestors of today’s Southern Baptist. A person who tithes places 10% of their income into a “plate” at a set time on Sunday morning during a break in the worship service. The tradition has all but completely faded out in modern churches today. A double-tither is an individual who gives 20% or two times a normal tithe. There are an estimated 17 double tithers left in the world today. Houser is one of these 17.

Last Sunday, Houser dropped in an extra check for $160,000 representing 20% of his $800,000 AIG bonus that was contractually authorized to him in Obama’s $787 billion economic stimulus legislation. This week, in an attempt to resolve the embarrassment of the $165 million in bonuses agreed to in the stimulus package, the legislative and executive branches of the US have racked up an estimated $212 billion in legal consultation fees, research assistants, opinion polls, television ads, new computers, copy machines, cocktail lunches and brunches, and a proposed bridge to a large “pondering platform” over the Florida Everglades.

The conclusions of their research led the House on Thursday to propose a 90% tax on the bonuses. “We’re almost where we should be,” said a hopeful Karl O’Connor, spokesman for the Marxist Society of America.

Regardless of the unbiased politics as presented here by TBNN, if the 90% tax passes, the mathematics of the situation will leave Houser with a negative net salary after tithe, not to mention state taxes.

“I never have regretted and I do not currently regret double-tithing,” said Houser. “I will continue to attempt to double-tithe on my weekly increases. If I am later robbed, I do not intend to adjust my future double-tithe.”

First Baptist Church Dallas may have a decision to make, however, if the Senate bill today eventually becomes law. A bill currently in the Senate seeks to place a 35% “eternal tax” on the bonus funds whenever they are spent, whether at a grocery store, restaurant, or to a charity as a charitable donation. In the charitable donations case, both the giver and receiver would be slated to pay an additional 35% tax on any donated funds. The “eternal tax” provision then forces the charity to apply a 35% tax to anything purchased by the charity with those funds. If the charity purchases a pool table for the fellowship hall, the pool table would be taxed 35%. In turn, the seller of the pool table would be taxed 35% when paying employees with the tainted funds, etc. etc.

TBNN Finally Faces the Music

2009-03-18T04:33:00.004+03:00

For over two years now, TBNN has been poking fun at various religious groups. This satire is designed to be good fun. On a few occasions we may have gone a bit too far, but generally speaking it was mostly silliness with some truth mixed in.

Unfortunately, there are those readers who struggle with the concept of satire. Some even get angry at us. What compels them to keep reading and commenting we do not know.

Being fair-minded folk, we at TBNN wanted to give some of the groups who have been on the receiving end of our satire a shot back at us. Thus, we held a forum at a local university and let them make us face the music. One person from each disgusted group was allowed to speak.

The edited transcript (profanity removed from the atheists) reads as follows. The groups are listed in alphabetical order to help you better find whomever you are searching for:

Arminians: "You focus only on the passages that say 'elect' and 'predestine.' Yes, you have the bulk of the biblical evidence on your side, but we have John 3:16. What are you going to do about that?"

Atheists: "You always point to the bible. You can't prove God exists. Despite the fact that the fossil record supports your claims, you can't be right because you are ignorant and stupid! ARRGGHH!!!"

Catholics: "You have no tradition, being just two years old. Therefore, you must be wrong."

Charismatics: "You need to go as the Spirit leads. Yes, we can't explain everything we do. No, we don't usually interpret tongues, but we have the Spirit!"

Cults: "We really are Christians, and we have our own special books to prove it"

Emergents: "Relax. Feel the authenticity. Don't think. Enjoy. Kumbaya."

Episcopalians: "We stand for unity. All you do is tear people down. We, unlike you at TBNN, stand united around the idea of unity -- and some immorality amongst our bishops."

Fundamentalists: "We read the bible and we believe what it says. Interpretation is a four letter word. We just believe it. And we don't drink, smoke, chew, or go with girls who do. And our women have to wear dresses and doilies on their heads, and look unhappy, too."

Health-Wealthers: "God wants us to be happy and healthy. The bible tells us so, somewhere."

KJV-onlyers: "You at TBNN are sons of the Devil, always quoting from the ESV. Those Alexandrian texts are straight from the pit of Hell. When you attack the KJV, you attack Christ Himself!"

Liberals: "The bible is just a book written a long time ago...this is a boring discussion that we thought was settled by German theologians back in the 1800's. It's just a book."

Osteeners: "Let's all just smile, be happy, and go home to our warm houses - and disregard things like sin, repentance, and propitiation."

PC-USAers: "Our average age is not 83! It's more like 71."

Postmodernists: "What is this 'absolute truth' business you guys are always talking about? Live as you want, and we'll do what's good for us."

Southern Baptists: "Why all the food jokes?"

After the forum was completed and much anger was vented in our direction, we realized something interesting. No one proved us to be incorrect in anything we said regarding scripture. Many words were thrown around, but no one had a solid exegetical argument. The Arminian representative tried, but he just kept returning over and over to John 3:16.

So, after facing the music, we felt pretty good. Once angry respondents begin to prove us wrong, then we'll hang it up and go elsewhere. Until then, we'll keep serving up good dishes of (remember) satire.

Man Changing World One Facebook Group at a Time

2009-03-05T08:34:00.003+03:00

Peoria, Illinois - "I'm part of the solution now," says Peter Cardwell as he proudly opens up his Facebook profile. At just 31 years old, Cardwell is determined to make a real impact for the Kingdom through the use of Facebook groups and causes. From his mother's basement in Peoria, Cardwell rises each morning about 11:00 and spends 12 to 14 hours per day on what he calls his "mission field."

"I started doing this about 2 years ago after I lost my job at Subway," said Cardwell. "I started this group called 'Just Because I Lost My Job, I'm Not Losing Faith' and about 9 people joined, so I began thinking this could really take off in a big way."

After that Cardwell began spending more and more time on Facebook, each day starting new groups and causes, making more friends and inviting people to join his "missionary" endeavors. He now administrates over 4000 groups and has started over 6000 causes. Some examples of his groups include:

The Former Christian Employees of Subway Network - 3 members
Let's Finally Overturn Roe vs. Wade - 6 members
Christians United Against Hugo Chavez - 2 members
Let Your Kids Join Facebook this Sunday, They Need and Deserve It! - 4 members
Believers Who Want to Leave Britney Alone - 75 members

Since he started spending more and more hours on Facebook each day Cardwell has dropped out of church, choosing rather to sacrifice his Sundays in order to spread the gospel.

"I did go to church occasionally before all of this got started, but I really believe that this is my true calling in life" he said. "There's a lot of hurting people out there on Facebook who are looking for a group to plug into. I don't really care if each group doesn't get that big. It's not about numbers."

Cardwell is currently being supported by his 59-year-old mother, Patricia Cardwell, and says that he has no plans to go back to work in the "secular world" anytime soon.

"I'm devoted to this. This is my calling, and I have no plans to quit. You wouldn't up and ask a missionary to Africa to quit what he's doing and come back home to work at McDonald's would you? It's hard work sitting here all day for hours on end with nothing but pizza, fried chicken, Oreos, potato chips and Dr. Pepper to keep me going, but I'm willing to make the sacrifice."

Methodist Funeral Home Owner Declares Bankruptcy

2009-03-03T19:54:00.005+03:00

ERIE, PA - In a surprising turn of events, a once thriving funeral home has declared bankruptcy. Bob Robbins, the owner of Wellspring Funeral Home, told TBNN, "We used to have more business than we knew what to do with. However, lately we have been struggling a great deal. There just isn't enough money coming in to keep us afloat."

One former employee, who will now be waiting in unemployment lines, filled us in with more of the background information. Tim Emerson, a six year employee of Wellspring, said, "I think this is actually more of a theological issue than anything else. Mr. Robbins attends a Methodist church. Well, about six months ago his pastor was preaching through the book of Ephesians. When she reached Ephesians 2:1-3, his pastor told the congregation that when Paul wrote the word 'dead,' what the apostle really meant was 'dying.' She continued by saying that in order for a person to choose God, they couldn't really be dead spiritually.

Emerson went on, "Mr. Robbins got thinking about this. He told me that he began to wonder if any of the people that we had been burying were really dead, or if they just looked dead but were in fact only dying. Since then, we haven't been able to bury or cremate anyone. As you must understand, that puts a damper on your funeral home business. Since that sermon six months ago, our business has dropped 95%."

We later returned to Mr. Robbins and inquired whether or not he would be willing to bury anyone in the future. He responded, "I realize that I'll have to do that in order to re-open the business. I just don't think I can do it. I just couldn't live with the thought of anyone that I had buried waking up underground."

And yet another American business goes under.

Advertisement: Unsaved On Board Signs

2009-02-28T09:34:00.013+03:00

Some of you may remember the old "Baby On Board" signs from the late 1980s and early 1990s. Those bright yellow "Baby on Board" signs used to alert other motorists to drive safely because a small child is on board.

Well, what can you do when all those babies are all grown up? They are no longer babies, so you can no longer use those old signs. That's obvious. What if you are not a baby, but you'd like others to be careful around you?

Regardless of who you are, have you ever thought about this from an eternal perspective? The threat of danger for an unsaved teenager, young adult, or even an older person is more serious now than it ever was when he or she was a baby. Don't you want other motorists to drive at least as safely for your unsaved loved one as they did for your baby?

The folks at Safety First have worked with Lifeway to develop an onboard sign to eliminate exactly those fears. It's the new Unsaved On Board warning sign for your car window.

When your teenager or adult child asks to borrow the car, don't cringe. Just say "Yes." But as you say "Yes," and hand them the keys also hand them the "Unsaved On Board" warning sign for protection.

Sandy Watson, Vice President of Public Relations for Safety First believes the Unsaved On Board signs can simultaneously be used as a safety precaution and a witnessing tool. "It's a constant reminder for those unsaved young drivers that they are lost. It can also be placed next to a young child once they reach the age of accountability." Note: see denominational leaders for the proper age of accountability for your denomination.

Krissy Wilkens, 14, was saved shortly after her mother, Jessica, began placing the sign on the window next to her seat in the minivan. "It was like I couldn't like think of anything else as she drove me to school or whatever that first week," said Krissy. Krissy was baptized exactly one month from the day her mother began using the sign.

Ms. Wilma Martingale, 72, bought two for herself. "I've been faithfully attending church for 40 years now and am hoping the Lord will save me one day. I can't count the number of times I thought I trusted the Lord, but then doubted the moment of my salvation on the ride home. So, until the Lord saves me for certain, I want other drivers on the road to be extra careful."

So get your Unsaved On Board sign today. Affixes to the inside of your car window with an easy on/off suction cup. Patented by Safety First. Measures 7" x 5". Sold in packs of two. $5.95 retail in most Lifeway stores.

Unfortunate Conference Name Leads to Confusion, Low Attendance

2009-02-19T17:28:00.008+03:00

WILMORE, KY - In a turn of events that no one predicted, a simple lapse in judgment has led to a furor at Asbury Theological Seminary.

The reason for the problem: the first annual Pro-Choice Conference was held on campus in late January of this year. This title, which seemed pleasant enough to conference coordinators, led to both far lower than expected attendance and downright confusion on the part of some.

According to seminary spokesperson Jenny Wray, "Our seminary is deeply rooted in the Wesleyan-Methodist heritage. We sense that our distinctive beliefs are under attack from the new Calvinist-fundamentalists roaming the halls of many evangelical seminaries these days. In order to confront these new Calvinist beliefs, our theology department decided to hold a conference that focuses on man's choice for or against God. In light of the topic, the conference was simply named the Pro-Choice Conference. Once the conference began, however, we realized there was going to be trouble."

According to Dr. David Sims, professor of systematic theology at Asbury, "We were expecting at least several hundred pastors and students to attend our conference. After the astounding success of the recent John 3:16 Anti-Calvinistic Conference in Atlanta, we figured that we would have people flocking to hear our speakers. Unfortunately, as the conference approached only 32 people had registered. Of the 32, 19 were current Asbury students. After a disappointing conference full of empty seats, we asked why so few had attended. The sad reality is that the conference name really was a problem."

Several pastors in the Kentucky/Tennessee/Ohio region quietly told TBNN that they thought Asbury had shifted even farther to the left and was endorsing abortion rights. Although this turned out to be false, it was still enough to scare away many possible attendees.

Although not publicized by the seminary, TBNN has also learned that of the 32 people who did attend, 9 were confused and upset members of the National Organization for Women. These women showed up expecting an exciting conference about how Christianity and abortion can be reconciled. When they found out the conference's focus was upon man's choice of God, they were disgusted and angry. Sally Harries, a member of NOW, told TBNN, "We are happy that Asbury is in favor of ordaining women to be pastors. That is a step in the right direction. We thought they had made another progressive leap forward when we heard about this conference. Everyone knows that 'pro-choice' refers to abortion rights. Why did these theology professors trick us like this? I drove all the way from Cincinnati to be here. What a waste of time!"

Asbury reportedly is planning a similar conference for next year, but we have learned that the name will be changed to the The Sovereignty of Man Conference.

Church Passes Offertory Paper Plate to Avoid Lavish Appearance

2009-02-14T17:41:00.007+03:00

Las Vegas, NV -- Self Control Baptist Church in Las Vegas, Nevada has announced that they will begin using offertory paper plates beginning Sunday, February 15, 2009.

"During these economic times, we need to be a bit more sensitive to appearances," said Pastor Jack Blossman. "It's a matter of perception. Do we want to appear extravagant? No. The offertory paper plate symbolizes this desire."

The church receives tithes and offerings from all walks of life-- the newly rich as well as the newly poor. "For the most part, those who attend 0ur church services are those who have recently acquired their new-found poorness," said church clerk Kate Wiengarter. "We do not want the more humble givers to feel uncomfortable tossing a quarter into a traditional offertory plate with a brass rim, soft green felt in the bowl, and a thin wooden layer underneath."

The traditional offertory plate has a price tag of $50, a non-issue for treasurer Glenn Carter. "It's completely normal to have a sturdy plate for our clients. The old plates were a non-issue. They were a legitimate expense-- a normal and appropriate part of our business," an upset Carter explains.

But the big question raised by some is, for a church whose members will eventually benefit from a big government bailout, pumping trillions of dollars into the economy, "were the $50 plates too lavish?"

"When our deacon board met, we were faced with this very question," said head deacon Marvin Willis. "Our decision in the end was to choose a offertory plate whose value would be less than the minimum offering we were likely to encounter."

Mars Lander Discovered AMD Phenom II

2009-02-07T16:50:00.008+03:00

Washington, DC -- NASA released a report this week confirming that the Phoenix, known simply as The Mars Lander by most, discovered the equivalent of a AMD Phenom II processor (a computer chip found in many Dell laptops) during its visit to Mars last year.

Phoenix was able to take high resolution pictures of the chip, confirming the exact dimensions. With one of its robotic arms, the Phoenix was able to break open the AMD Phenom II processor, revealing all the intricate details normally found within.

Physicist Dr. Smithy Peters, principal investigator and leader of the entire mission, explained, "I believe the correct combination of elements came together in a cosmic storm about 14.7 billion years ago. After the puddle died down, a perfectly formed processor was left, identical to an AMD Phenom II chip."

Wouldn't such a finding prove that life exists on other planets? Dr. Ollie Jones, microbiologist and Associate Professor at South Carolina State believes so. "The finding is important in our quest for life outside of the earth." Although the finding of an AMD Phenom II is a very important discovery, it really is only a small step towards finding life on other planets, according to Dr. Jones. "We have a long way to go before we can prove that a single living cell formed on its own. You see, the computer chip is about 10,00o times less complex than the simplest of any single living microbe."

But with trillions of trillions of trillions of trillions of planets, he is hopeful that science will eventually prove that a living cell has formed somewhere else besides the earth. Finding this simple, basic AMD Phenom II processer on Mars does prove that the spontaneous appearance of a machine may be possible.

Part of the issues left to solve involve the irreducible complexity of the cell vs. the computer chip. A cell is irreducibly complex (meaning basically that none of its parts can survive outside the cell system) whereas a computer chip is made up of many individual usable parts.

"The complexity factor is definitely a concern. Finding an actual living cell would be more comparable to finding a manufacturing plant for the AMD Phenom II," says biochemistry professor Michael Behe. "So, it may take a little more searching before the Phoenix team will find evidence of a spontaneously generated living cell."

Of course, adding electricity to the chip, in addition to the remainder of the laptop, is quite the stretch. But again, finding a simple AMD Phenom II chip on Mars, which is so close to Earth, increases the believability that we'll find life on other planets. The believability factor would increase more if we could find a full laptop with battery power and an electrical recharging source out there somewhere. Such a find would lend more credibility to the notion that we could discover life on other planets, but it would take a leap of faith to make the jump from the existence of a simple laptop which can continuously recharge itself to the notion that a more complex single living microbe appeared by chance.

Slopology: Gail Riplinger, the Titanic and My Exploding Brain

2009-02-05T08:06:00.006+03:00

slop-ol-o-gy (slŏp-ŏl'ə-jē)
noun, plural -gies
1. The study of slop

The absurd and far-out are no strangers to TBNN. But every now and then a little something comes along that defies any laws of stupidity. The laws of stupidity state that something can only be so ridiculous before people with an IQ of at least 12 will say "Okay, that just doesn't make any sense."

Take a look at this video posted by Alpha and Omega Ministries. It contains a radio clip by a KJV-Only extremist by the name of Gail Riplinger. For those of you who don't know about her, she's written several "books" on the subject, all filled with inaccuracies and stuff that I'm convinced she just plain made up. I've always thought Gail Riplinger to be a bit "out there", but now I'm convinced that there's something clinical going on. Just google her name and you'll see.

So here's the video.

WARNING! TBNN takes no responsibility if your IQ drops from watching this. What you're about to see is absolutely STUPID. Not just "stupid" but "stoooooopiiiiiiid!"

NFL Superbowl Policy Not Good News For Budweiser Baptist Church

2009-01-31T16:08:00.014+03:00

Atlanta, GA -- For the first time in Superbowl history, partiers no longer need to visit a sports bar to legally watch the superbowl in a group setting on a large screen. In February of 2008, the NFL Commissioner announced that, beginning with Superbowl XLIII, the league will not sue churches who broadcast the Superbowl on screens larger than 55 inches.

The new ruling is not good news for Budweiser Baptist Church in Atlanta, Georgia. BBC was established in November of 2005, with the soul purpose of creating a church which legally abided by the previous NFL policy. The old policy only allowed organizations (especially sports bars and restaurants) which broadcast games as a normal part of their business, to continue to do so Superbowl Sunday. "Budweiser Baptist was formed to make NFL and other sports games viewing a normal part of our services," said pastor Victor Michaels. "With the new NFL ruling, we are concerned that we've lost our competitive advantage for Superbowl 43."

"I'm proceeding as normal," said Burris Plaxsy, Audio-Visual Minister. "We may see some drop-off in attendance with the now-legal viewing competition from the nearby Baptist churches. But I'm confident that our permit to sell alcohol will make the difference.

A. J. Simpson, pastor of Millerville Baptist, disagrees. "Serving alcohol does not give Budweiser Baptist a clear advantage. We will have 3 viewing rooms. The sanctuary will have the largest screen and permit open audiences, including those who bring their own beer. For those do not feel comfortable having their children in the same service with the adults, the children's church minister will take the toddlers to the fellowship hall for an alcohol-free environment. We'll also have a big screen in the nursery for those with noisy babies."

Whether you are a Cardinal or a Steeler fan, TBNN encourages you and your family to attend the worship service of your choice Sunday evening.

Where I've Been

2009-01-29T21:29:00.003+03:00

Some of you may be wondering if I'm ever going to show my face around here again. So to perhaps answer some of the burning questions that have no doubt kept many of you up at night over the past few months I'd like to tell you about a major undertaking that I'm currently heavily involved with.

I've never tried to abuse the great fame and fortune that comes with writing a mildly popular theological satire blog, but today I'd like to be bluntly honest with you the faithful (and not so faithful) readers of TBNN. As many of you know my family and I currently serve as missionaries in Russia. For the last 1 1/2 years now we've been living in St. Petersburg, learning language and have been working to support indigenous church-planting movements throughout Russia. One of these projects is the Tuvan Bible Distribution Project.

The Tuvan Republic is a small region of Russia where about 305,510 people live. About 65% percent of these people are native Tuvans, meaning they don't look like or talk like Vladimir Putin. While many Tuvans can speak Russian fairly well, their native tongue is Tuvan, a totally different language. The Tuvans have no Bible in their own language, but we are hoping that is about to change soon.

The Institute for Bible Translation in Moscow, Russia has been working on a full translation of the Bible into Tuvan. It is due to be printed and released for sale next summer. InterAct Ministries, the organization with which we serve, is working on a project to put a Bible into every Tuvan-speaking household in the region, roughly 40,000 copies of Scripture. I am one of the coordinators of this project, and one of my goals is to raise about $600,000. No small task during these days, but no large task for God.

What am I asking of you? Like I said, I'm going to be bold. I'm asking you to help if you can, financially and prayerfully. I'm also asking you to pass along the word to others. I'm asking any and all of you who have ever read this blog and gotten a good chuckle (or even a smirk) to help give a copy of Scripture to a family that has never had nor seen one before. I am not benefiting financially from this in any way.

I'm also calling upon all of you, especially you uber-bloggers out there, to pass along the word of this project to your audiences. Phil Johnson, I know you occasionally stop by. Dr. James White, I know you read here too as well Todd Friel and the Wretched Radio crew. This wee blog here reaches 300 people on a good day (Phil I think your hits pass that mark every 20 minutes or so). One simple post or mention by you could potentially reach tens of thousands of people in one day.

So please go to www.biblesfortuva.com and read more about the project. There is also a link there to donate. For all of you readers out there, please take a moment and link your blog to the above website, even feature it on your post today, possibly even mention it on your radio program if you have one. =)

Again the address is www.biblesfortuva.com

Thanks,
Tom

Church Contributions Down, US Economy To Blame

2009-01-24T16:35:00.007+03:00

Baton Rouge, LA -- The final results have not been fully tallied, but the latest Christian Contributions Monitor estimates a 14% drop in evangelical tithes and offerings during 2008 from the 2007 period, representing the first drop over 10% since 2002.

TBNN executive producer, Tom Slawson, recently visited the largest MSA in Louisiana (Baton Rouge) in an attempt to discover why offerings in this locality were estimated to have dropped a staggering 47.61% 2007-2008 year to year.

Because the term "evangelical" is a broad term used to describe a wide variety of denominations, Tom determined that it would be better for him to visit business establishments rather than churches. A common theme emerged. Church contributions are down, and this drop in tithes and offerings can be blamed entirely on the state of the US Economy.

Tom's investigation began at Cracker Barrel for a 9 am breakfast on a Friday morning in mid-January. He attended with his wife and two of his siblings and their spouses who decided to take the day off from work. Because no tables were available, requiring the group to wait approximately 1 hour and 10 minutes, Tom had opportunity to ask others waiting, "Why do you believe church contributions were down 47.61% in Baton Rouge in 2008"? He approached a young couple in a double rocking chair and asked them the question. They did not hesitate, "It's the economy. Things are bad," said the young lady. Tom informally asked several others the same question and received the same general response, "the US economy."

After the breakfast, Tom's group went to Best Buy to take a look at the latest electronics and gadgets. Tom especially wanted to visit the new Mac section to check out the MacBook Pros. While waiting his turn in line to test the ultimate computer, he found opportunity to continue his investigation. He asked the two gentlemen in front of him, "Why do you believe church contributions were down 47.61% in Baton Rouge in 2008"? The first gentleman explained that he heard recently on CNN that the Bush presidency had caused the recession. He added that he saw the hour long report on his new 52 inch Samsung LCD HDTV with a contrast ratio of 35,000 to 1.

Later, Tom and his group drove over to the Rave Theatre to see Paul Blart: Mall Cop. They arrived about 10 minutes early, but with a group of 6, they were unable to sit together. This gave Tom a chance to ask the group of teenagers next to him the question, "Why do you believe church contributions were down 47.61% in Baton Rouge in 2008"? The immediate response from two young ladies was, "church what... contri what"? One of the older boys suggested that Obama would make things better.

After the movie, Tom's group headed toward the Mall of Louisiana, but after 20 unsuccessful minutes of searching for a parking space they decided to return home. Unfortunately, their timing was off because they were caught in the Friday rush hour traffic. When they turned on the local news radio to see if there were any wrecks that could be avoided, the first station had a call-in program where individuals were discussing how bad the economy was. An expert was discussing how the problem was so much more than the US and was a world-wide crisis. One caller suggested that Obama appoint Bill Clinton to the UN. "If we could make Bill president of the world and go to one currency, then things would get better," said the caller.

Tom's complete report will be posted on TBNN later this week. Preliminary results show that of the 47 people Tom interviewed at Cracker Barrel, Best Buy, and the Rave, 100% blamed the US economy.

Southern Baptists Displace Black Bears As Arkansas' #1 Largest Mammal

2009-01-17T15:45:00.013+03:00

Little Rock, AR -- Arkansas Baptist State Convention representatives have confirmed that the Arkansas Southern Baptist has surpassed the Arkansas Black Bear in the state's largest mammal category in a recent study. The study was performed by Dr. Joseph Mendleton of Mississippi State University's Fullbrite College of Arts and Sciences.

Dr. Mendleton provides evidence in his working paper, "Winter Consumption Patterns of Arkansas Large Mammals." Sampling girth measurements of available species during the month of December, Dr. Mendleton was surprised to discover that the sample of Black Bears in the study were consistently smaller in circumference than the sample of Southern Baptists.

Serious questions have been raised over the validity of the study. A rebuttal report by Walt Samson of the University of Arkansas' School of Veterinary Medicine contained two potential flaws. "First of all, it is not fair to compare the Southern Baptist at his peak grazing season with the Black Bear that is coming out of hibernation for short periods of time during December. Secondly, there are questions regarding the differences in measurement technique. Black bear sizes were determined by estimation using triangulation and photography while the bear was standing upright. The Southern Baptist in the study were typically measured in a slumped position, having been shot with tranquilizer darts while leaving Baptist church fellowship halls."

Dr. Mendleton is confident his findings will hold up, "Other researchers are welcome to check my results and take their own measurements. I am willing to share my data, as well as turn over the tracking data of the tagged participants."

From the Archive: Ruckman Denies the Existence of Greece

2009-01-16T08:20:00.000+03:00

PENSACOLA, FLORIDA - He is known as the often rancorous and forceful defender of the King James Version of the Bible. His books and writings regarding the subject of modern translations and other theological topics are controversial to many, inflammatory to some. He states emphatically and unapologetically that the King James Version of the Bible is itself perfect and inspired. He further opposes any efforts to examine either Hebrew or Greek texts in Biblical exegesis and attempt at a modern translation of the Scriptures. Over all Peter S. Ruckman of the Pensacola Bible Institute is no stranger to a rousing fight.

While most of his opponents are not surprised by his dogmatic statements and assertions, his latest statement has left many with their jaws hitting the floor.

"After much research and prayer it is my conclusion that there's no such place as Greece and, consequently, there is no such thing as the Greek language." Said Ruckman in his latest book The Conspiracy of the Evangelical Apostates. "Anyone who believes in Greece is part of the Alexandrian Cult seeking to undermine the authority of the Authorized Version of 1611."

Ruckman's book also includes his own "map" of the Mediterranean region which, as he states, gives "irrefutable proof that there's no such place as Greece."

But despite such "evidence" many are not persuaded that Ruckman is correct including Karolous Argyris of Greece.

"I'm not understanding this, is this supposed to be a joke?" Said Argyris. "I don't have time to even acknowledge such things."

Ruckman's assertion serves to support his position that since there is no Greece there can be no Greek language, and thus what we know as "Greek" was, as he states, invented by the "Alexandrian Cult" about 3,500 years ago with the express purpose to undermine the validity of the Authorized Version that would be translated some 3,000 years later in 1611.

"There is no doubt in my mind that this scheme was cooked up in antiquity by Satan to cause confusion and to deceive millions," Ruckman states "and for centuries he's achieved his goal. Now it's time to get back to the real original manuscript, The King James 1611."

Mote Removal: A How-To-Book

2009-01-10T16:26:00.012+03:00

Have you ever attempted to remove a mote from your brother's eye, but it did not go well? Why not try the Biblical prescription? Get your own copy of Mote Removal: A How-To-Book.

Many people do not know that the Bible actually details the instructions for mote removal in Matthew 7:3-5. Mote Removal: A How-To-Book by Dr. William Frotch makes mote removal easy.

Some people realize a Biblical solution exists, but are confused by the mention of "logs" at the end of verse 3, the end of verse 4 and the beginning of verse 5. Dr. William Frotch has spent two years in the mountains of north Georgia carefully extracting these "log" discussions. The log discussions have been placed in two appendices, leaving the flow of the mote removal verses undisturbed. "Because the command to 'see clearly' appears after the command to tell your brother 'let me take the mote out of your eye,' many people give up on mote removal," Dr. Frotch explains.

The book is arranged into four easy to follow chapters...

Chapter 1: Step #1, Notice

Notice that there may be a mote in someone else’s eye as implied in Matthew 7 verse 3a. Keep your eyes and ears open. I usually does not take long to find motes.

Chapter 2: Step #2, Openness

Have the desire to remove the mote as implied in verse 4a.** Take the time to make sure that your truly care. Share your feelings with others who have the opportunity to confirm the existence of the mote.

Chapter 3: Step #3, Speak

Say to your brother, “Let me take the mote out of your eye," as directly commanded in verse 4b. Dr. Frotch explains three methods: in person, email, phone.

Chapter 4: Step #4, Extract

Remove the mote from your brother’s eye as directly commanded in verse 5d. This step may take time. Carefully apply Dr. Frotch's methods.

**Appendix A: If applicable, remove the beam in your own eye (optional command in verse 5b).
**Appendix B: If applicable, see clearly (optional command in verse 5c).

"The Bible is not to be used as a suggestion manual. The Bible is clear in its prescriptions, but sometimes you have to dig out the noise," explains Dr. Frotch near the beginning of Appendix A.

Mote Removal: A How-To Book... get your copy today.

Belated New Year's Gift for Our Catholic Readers

2009-01-06T20:33:00.002+03:00

Red Letter Edition Camouflage Bible Saves Hunter's Life

2009-01-03T17:10:00.008+03:00

Perlington, AR -- TBNN has learned that a Perlington, Arkansas man's life has been saved while reading a red letter edition camouflage Bible on a bear hunt. On December 14, 2008, the last day of bear hunting season in Arkansas, Daniel Bloom was perched securely on a lower branch in a heavily wooded area of the Blue Mountains about 10 yards off the bank of the Kiamichi River .

"I was trying to think of something to do to pass time. I was reaching in my bag looking for my whittling knife when I saw the camo Bible that my sister had give me. She told me it would save my life if I would read it," explained Bloom.

Wilson Gadsford was also hunting that day. "I was slowly drifting along the Kiamichi in my SeaArk Stealth 172 tracking a wandering black bear when I lost site of him into the thicker woods. A few minutes later I saw something a rustling so I aimed my medium-velocity 35 caliber lever-action Winchester and was about to pull the trigger when something came over me to hold off. So I pulled out my Bushnell H2O Porro prism waterproof and fogproof binoculars to have a closer look-see."

Gadsford kept seeing glimpses of red coming from the area where he thought the bear was. In hindsight, it appears what Gadsford saw was Bloom's red-letter edition camouflage Bible. "When I saw red, I put my rifle down and moved on," said Gadsford.

The two made the connection as to what happened during a New Year's Eve party this last Wednesday. "I overheard Gadsford telling that he was tracking a bear along the Kiamichi on the last day of bear season, and I realized that we were in the exact same spot," said Bloom.

"He must have seen my Bible. My sister didn't know how right she was. Reading that Bible saved my life," said Bloom with an ear-to-ear grin.

Belated Christmas Gift for Our Arminian Readers

2008-12-30T15:31:00.002+03:00

Just in time for the New Year Celebration, TBNN wants to offer a belated Christmas gift to all of our Arminian readers. The gift (pictured above) is a large pair of scissors. These scissors will allow you, of your own free will of course, to cut out any parts of scripture that you do not like. For example, you may need to begin by slicing through John 6, John 10, Romans 8-11, and Ephesians 1-2.

We hope you find this gift helpful as you try to keep your theology consistent.

Happy New Year!

Grace Assembly Members Read Through The Bible

2008-12-27T07:36:00.012+03:00

Germantown, TN-- Twenty three members of the Grace Assembly congregation, comprising about 40% of Sunday morning attendees, plan to complete the Bible by Wednesday, December 31, 2008 at midnight. Their journey began back on January 1, 2008 when 25 members agreed to undertake the Read Through the Bible program established by Pastor Johnson.

In a formal dedication ceremony, all 25 members were given a gift certificate to Lifeway for $50 toward the purchase of a new Bible of their choice. Each member was also given a 1-Year Bible Plan which detailed the amount of reading that needed to be performed each day in order to complete the entire Bible in 1 year.

"I did it! I did it!" said Sally Winthrop, 28. "I'm glad I made the commitment."

Sally and 22 others from Grace Assembly have remained on track the entire year-- well, almost on track. "But I couldn't have done it if it weren't for Pastor Johnson's techniques and incentives," said Sally.

"I had a few tricks up my sleeve," said Pastor Johnson. "If anyone got behind, we had methods to help them back on track."

For example, Pastor Johnson had monthly Ketchup Days where anyone who was behind on their readings by the last Sunday of each month had to walk the aisle during the morning service, sit in a chair facing the congregation, and receive a squirt of ketchup to the face. The first squirting episode in January is the reason Dawn Gaspard and her husband left the church and became the only two participants to drop out of the program.

"I worked very hard to keep the people on schedule," explained Pastor Johnson. "I sent reminder emails each day, made phone calls each week, and visited each person monthly. My main goal for the last year has been to get these people to read the Bible. I'm proud to say that it looks like I'm accomplishing this goal for 23 people."

TBNN asked several of The 23 what they learned most while reading the Bible this year. James Barton, 35, answered. "I learned that if I set my mind to do something, I can get it done."

"I learned that it takes a team to complete a task like this," answered Milley Baxter, 67. "The support from the other team members helped me through."

Marla Krystal was thankful for good leadership. "I learned that you can't do something like this without a great encourager like Pastor Johnson. He was always there for me when I was down and I didn't want to read. He understood."

Others were very pleased with the daily plan. "Reading through the Bible in a year has taught me to pace myself in other things. There are several tasks that I've been wanting to get done for years. The Bible has been an example I can follow to pace myself in 2009 and make sure to get these other tasks done," explained Walter Bowen, 42.

"I've grown so much through this experience," Sheila Bowen, 41. "It's such a good feeling to close the Bible each day and know I'm exactly where God wants me to be in the plan."

"I think the best thing in our family has been the improvement in our daughter's reading skills," said Jennifer Blackwell whose 14 year old daughter Kaylie is the youngest member of The 23 who is scheduled to finish on time.

The Episcopal Church Introduces "InsertWhateverGodYouChoose-Mas"

2008-12-23T11:00:00.003+03:00

NEW YORK, NY - In a move that has excited some but troubled others, The Episcopal Church yesterday introduced the new winter holiday that it will be promoting - InsertWhateverGodYouChoose-Mas. The clear purpose of this holiday, according to the presiding bishop (The Most Reverend Katharine Jefferts Schori), is "to take into account the needs of the members of all our congregations, whether or not they are actually followers of Jesus Christ."

Bishop Schori went on to say, "It seems silly of us to assume that all Episcopalians will be Christians and therefore want to celebrate Christmas. Frankly, that seems a bit narrow. We in the Episcopalian church have a broad tent. We welcome those shunned by others such as Wiccans, New Agers, and the Occult. Because of this, we realize that we need to let each member himself or herself decide what type of winter holiday best fits his or her needs. Thus, the name - InsertWhateverGodYouChoose-Mas.

As mentioned above, while some within the church are excited by this move, others are troubled.

For example, Jackie Gellar of Santa Cruz, CA told TBNN, "This is a great joy and relief to me. I've been an Episcopalian all my life, but lately I've dabbled in a combination of Vishnu-worship, yoga, snake-handling, and palm reading. I'm kind of making it up as I go. Because of this, I just didn't want to celebrate Christmas this year. However, I did want to celebrate something. I don't yet know what I'm going to call it, but I'm so happy that whatever I do celebrate will be acceptable to my Episcopal church."

Dan Belford (Dayton, OH), on the other hand, is not happy about the new ruling. Belford said, "It has been difficult for the past few years to remain in the Episcopal church. I guess my problem is that I keep reading the bible. My local rector tells me this is dangerous, but I just can't help it. Then when I look at my church, well, it just appalls me. Now we have this new 'whatever-it-is holiday.' Quite honestly, I might have to start visiting the PCA church down the street from my house."

Despite the mixed reviews, Bishop Schori is excited about the new holiday, saying, "In order for this to be a truly happy time of year, we need to meet the needs of all people. It troubles me that only a few groups can claim this time of year, such as the Jews, Muslims, Africans, and Christians. In order to, like Paul, be all things to all people, we're going to let all people decide what to celebrate."

Schori summed it up like this, "Who are we to tell people what to celebrate? The important thing is that they are celebrating something. Have a Happy Holiday!"

From the Archive: Pastor Struggles with "Terrible Sermon Illustrations"

2008-12-21T22:40:00.003+03:00

Note: I thought that during this time of hiatus that I'd go back and pick out some of my old favorites. These posts are not necessarily ones that were the most popular when they were originally posted, but they were ones that I liked doing.

ST. PETERSBURG, MARYLAND

The Reverend Steve Roman has been the pastor of First Baptist Church St. Petersburg for almost ten years. While loved by his congregation for his charm, whit and devotion to his people, Roman has begun to struggle over the past few years with an inability to come up with sermon illustrations that remotely make sense.

"It all began about four years ago." Said Roman. "I'm not sure what happened, but suddenly I just couldn't come up with a sermon illustration anymore that was clear. It was as if I used up all my good ones during my first six years of ministry and just ran out of stories to tell. It seems that no matter how hard I try anymore everyone is just baffled by the point I'm trying to make."

In a recent sermon delivered by Roman on Joshua 6 and the defeat of Jericho by Israel, he stated,

"The fall of the walls of Jericho was like when you're eating a bag of chips on your couch. You're relaxed and calm, you're looking for the remote, and you don't want to be disturbed, and suddenly the dog just jumps into your lap or the phone rings and you have to get up. It bothers you because it shakes up your relaxation. And when Jericho's walls fell it really shook the wicked people of that city off of their couches. We really need to be shaking people's couches."

"I just can't seem to get my illustration sense back." Said Roman. "When I'm up there in the pulpit what I'm saying seems to make sense, but then after I say it I can see the utter confusion on everyone's faces. When I go back and listen to the recordings I just ask myself 'What were you thinking?'"

Unfortunately, the problem has extended beyond Roman's illustrations to his analogies also. Some recent excerpts from his sermons revealed the following comparisons,

"The flood came upon the land like a bucket of bloated whale blubber."
"The wickedness of Ahab was worse than all the cars in China."
"David looked upon Bathsheba with lust, like a cat in a hail storm."
"Noah's Ark was huge, like a big boat."

"We so want to support him." Said member Amber Lee. "We love him, and we know he means well, but I honestly haven't understood a single one of his sermons for months now. I don't know if he can read some books or something to get better, but something needs to be done."

In an effort to hopefully remedy the situation Roman plans to take a three month sabbatical this summer to spend time coming up with some new illustrations.

"I've just lost my touch, and I need to get it back." Said Roman. "Hopefully this summer I'll be able to get some thoughts organized, possible have some funny things happen to me so that I'll be able to communicate with my people again. Being this way is like falling out of a tree while eating an apple."

The Pastor's Salary, At The Minimum, Should Include

2008-12-20T17:56:00.014+03:00

At Large, USA -- TBNN correspondents are currently at an undisclosed church location in the US trying to gather information concerning recent Bylaw changes regarding the pastor's salary.

Due to the large probability of increased rumor and gossip (and possibly increased panic) TBNN is not releasing the location or the names of those involved.

TBNN was able to verify the accuracy of a copy of an official motion from the deacons at a recent business meeting, regarding the pastor's 2009 salary package. The motion read:

The pastor's salary, at the minimum, should include medical insurance, retirement benefits, and $100 in yearly conference support.

Given that the business meeting followed a lengthy 3 hour Christmas Cantata practice, and given that a neighborhood Christmas parade was about to begin, the business meeting was short and this motion passed without discussion.

The trouble began a week later when the personnel committee attempted to come to a consensus on the interpretation of the salary motion. The personnel committee concluded that the motion instructed them to pay the pastor the minimum wage of $6.55 per hour based on a 40 hour work week. "The motion clearly states that the pastor's salary is to be at the minimum," explained one member of the committee. "I feel we were overly generous in giving him a straight salary based on 40 hours. If had a time clock in his office, he could never generate anything close to 40."

The committee also concluded that the motion instructed them to include insurance, benefits and conference expenses in the salary-- meaning those items were to be subtracted from the salary prior to the pastor receiving his payroll check. "The motion passed by the church body clearly says 'including,'" said another member of the personnel committee.

"This was not our intention at all," said a representative from the Deacon Board. "The personnel committee has a long history of refusing to provide any benefits for the pastor. They claim he should have faith for healing and use his own money for conference vacations. They've always laughed at the idea of setting aside funds for his retirement. 'His retirement package is already out of this world!' they claim."

The deacon chairman was incensed, "All we wanted to do was make sure that [the pastor] starts getting some other benefits besides salary. The personnel committee is made up of a bunch of Scrooges."

No matter which way it goes, the pastor appears to be pleased. "Regardless of the interpretation, I'm looking forward to my increased salary package in 2009."

Atheists Rated Angriest, Not Smartest

2008-12-16T22:37:00.002+03:00

For the last 50 years or so, atheists in the United States and Europe have declared that they are smarter across the board than are the various groups of "simple folks" who follow one god or another. When interviewed, if an atheist is pinned down by a good question, his response will almost always be some variation of, "We are just smarter."

The National Institute of Mental Health recently decided to put this theory to the test. The NIMH, which is made up largely of atheistic psychiatrists, wanted to prove, once and for all, that atheists are more intelligent than theists.

In order to perform this study, the NIMH reportedly interviewed over 10,000 people. The interviewees fell into two main groups: those who claim to believe in no god, and those who believe in any god. The second group was further subdivided among Christians, Muslims, Jews, Hindus, Buddhists, and Wiccans. All 10,000 people were asked a series of 200 questions related to vocabulary, history, music, literature, current events, etc. They were also asked to complete several nonverbal puzzles. Finally, they were asked several intrusive questions to see how they would respond emotionally.

The results of the study were, according to the NIMH, "Quite surprising." When all the interview results were tabulated, the clear conclusion regarding intelligence was that atheists and theists are equally smart. There were no significant differences among any of the groups or subgroups.

The only significant finding was one that was not expected. The results showed that atheists are significantly angrier than are theists. This was a consistent finding across all the questions of the lengthy interview. For example, atheists are angrier about their family situations, their jobs, their social standing, and especially the state of the country. As for the subgroups among the theists, while the Hindus and Buddhists were least angry, the Muslims were angriest.

Immediately after the publication of the study, an atheist group based out of Seattle, WA responded. The group, named More Atheist Dogma (MAD), said in a statement, "These results are ridiculous! They are just stupid! It must be that the leadership of the NIMH is made up of right-wing Christians and Jews! We are not angry, and even if we were it would only be because of the oppression we face every day! But we're not mad!"

ACLU Judges Nativity Scene as "Non-Biblical," Drops Lawsuit

2008-12-13T17:54:00.006+03:00

Baxter, Tennessee— After a long battle of back and forth name calling, sits-ins, and a news media frenzy the American Civil Liberties Union Foundation on Friday dropped a lawsuit against the small town of Baxter, the county seat of Smith County, Tennessee.

Complaints were first reported to the ACLU-TN on August 24th after Baxter County Courthouse employees erected a nativity and decorated a Christmas tree on the front lawn of the courthouse to begin Christmas celebrations.

“Religious displays in front of homes and churches are protected by the first amendment,” Harry Reasoning, ACLU-TN spokesman, was quoted in local papers in mid-September. “But the courthouse is a governmental property that cannot be used to promote religious beliefs.”

Courthouse clerk Brian Clampett was at the forefront of the battle in support of the display he helped create. In October, Clampett felt threatened by the “outsiders” and was quoted saying, “We don’t need no one coming in here telling us how to do things. I’m the one who made that star, and I hung it up there,” said Clampett pointing to a large mass of star-shaped aluminum suspended from a pin oak with 60lb test line approximately 20 feet above the manger.

Along the way, the battle of words turned physical. One scuffle near the 3 kings' camel holding pen, frightened one camel enough so that it bolted through the railings and remained loose for over three days during the week of Halloween.

But it has all come to an end. The ACLU-TN officially announced on Friday that their research has deemed the nativity scene as “secularized enough.” “After careful research, we have discovered that most scenes on the courthouse lawn can be described more accurately as American tradition than religious in nature,” said Reasoning.

In a written statement, Reasoning explained, “Most scenes have no Biblical support, including (1) Mary’s riding on a donkey, (2) the appearance of an innkeeper, (3) the use of a small feeding trough that is just the right size to hold a baby, (4) the idea that shepherds brought sheep out of the fields to see the baby, (5) the notion that there were only 3 men from the east, (6) the thought that the men from the east were kings wearing crowns, (7) the conclusion that the men from the east saw a baby in a manger, and (8) the speculation that Shrek was one of the wise men. Therefore, given that the scene is largely non-Biblical or religious in nature, we are dropping the lawsuit.”

Cleaning Out The Closet Before Christmas

2008-12-06T17:02:00.005+03:00

I have a list of potential news stories that I store in my Possible News Stories Closet (okay, it's actually a Word file). If I think I have a good idea during the week, I open the file and toss in a headline or even a partial story. Then, on Friday night or Saturday morning, I open this Possible News Stories Closet, retrieve a headline or partially written story, and then attempt to complete it for publication.

As I stare into the Closet this morning, there is a bunch of junk in here that I really need to throw out. I don't think I'm ever going to use it. Many of these things seemed really funny at the time. All of the things I'm tossing out are things that I don't want to use anymore. I am not developing some of these simply because I don't feel that I'm capable of gimping an adequate photo.

I'm committed to tossing out 10 things. The ideas are not fully developed, that's why they were still in the closet. But you may be able to see where I was going. In any case, as I clean out the closet, maybe there is something in these partially developed thoughts and stories that you can use.

1. The Syncretism Hymn Book
Hindu, Muslim, Jews, and Christian join together for a book of songs in which all can freely sing without loss of conviction. Christian contributions include: In the Secret; Open the Eyes of My Heart, Lord; You Are Worthy of My Praise

2. Missouri Pastor Asked to Take Sabbatical Over Texas Comments
This story had to do with BCS Bowl rankings when Missouri and Texas may have had a chance.

3. Robert's Rules of Order Now Contains "I Prayed About it Motion"
The "I Prayed About It" motion takes precedence over all other motions. It preempts any rule or bylaw of the church. It calls for an immediate vote regardless of other discussion. Note: I felt this may be too narrow for those who haven't been exposed to Robert. I went with the "I Prayed About It Cards" instead. Those of you who attend a lot of business meetings may appreciate this thought.

4. The Prosperity Gospel Preacher Naked Calendar
In an effort to reverse recent drops in tithes and offerings, prosperity preachers have teamed up to raise funds with the Prosperity Gospel Preacher Naked Calendar. "We are willing to expose ourselves for money."

5. Church Splits Over "3 Uh-Huhs"
The church youth group was so happy when 14 year old Marci Williams helped 4 year old Laci Johnson accept Jesus in her heart between the Ramblin Rocky Road Snack Shack and the Rickshaw Racetrack during the “Best of the Past” VBS this summer. All was going well. The Women’s Hand Dance Team joined together and baptized Laci the following Sunday.
On July XXX, however, at the regularly scheduled monthly business meeting, someone questioned whether Laci really understood what she was doing when she answered the ABC questions. As it turns out, Marci said Laci did answer every question on the ABC card as Marci read them. However, when Marci relayed the story, she said, “Laci answered ‘uh-huh’ to every question.” “Marci has stuck to this story,” said XXX. “If Marci said Laci said ‘uh-huh’ then she did just that.” Ms. XXX questioned what “uh-huh” meant. “Are we sure that Laci didn’t say ungh-uh?”

6. The Reservation
Peter at the Gate: Do you have a reservation?
Jerry: Yes, I walked the aisle and made a profession and was baptized.
Peter at the Gate: I’m sorry Jerry. But I don’t see that you were saved anywhere in the system.
Jerry: I don’t understand. Do you show where I had my Bible signed?
Peter at the Gate: Yes, we do, unfortunately, you’re not saved.
Jerry: But, I had a reservation. You’re supposed to have a spot for me.
Peter at the Gate: I know what a reservation is.
Jerry: I don’t think you do… because if you did… I’d have a spot. See, your representatives know how to take the reservation. They just don’t know how to HOLD the reservation and that’s really the most important part of the reservation, the holding. Anybody can just take them.

7. The Ummm Church
Church renames itself to the Ummm Church so as not to give glory to any particular thing. "We didn't want to unnecessarily glorify the town name or the lay of the land."

8. Correction: SBC Did Not Cannonize Robert's Rules of Order
The accusations are false. "We have not, and never will canonize Robert's Rules of Order. The next edition of the HCSB will only contain an abbreviated Robert's Rules of Order as an appendix after the book of Maps."

9. Student Fails Out of RTS, Graduates with High Honors from Liberty University

10. Conversationopoly: A Sunday School Game
Take over an entire conversation. Only those in power can speak. You can only speak if you have built up power within the game. The goal: to take over the entire conversation. You choose the direction people can go. You choose the topic. If you change the topic, those with less power have to stick to your topic. You control the game by grabbing the dice. No need to wait or be nice. There are no rules. Simply obtain the dice any way you can. Grab, wrestle, kick, bite, slap, punch, whatever. You have the dice? You choose the topic. Some people may get up and walk away, choosing not to participate in such random, rude rules. But that’s good for those remaining. The winner is the last one talking.

Ahhhh... it feels good to toss some things out.

Vandals Distort Catholic Church's Marquee

2008-12-01T16:30:00.000+03:00

PROVIDENCE, RI - The lack of respect for the church continues.

The latest example has been happening repeatedly in Providence, Rhode Island. St. Peter's Catholic Church has displayed announcements for several years on its marquee. This sign has been a source of helpful and encouraging information for the faithful Catholics in central Providence.

However, during the last six months "vandals" have repeatedly changed the wording of the message on the church marquee. This has left priests and parishioners frustrated, but they and the police seem impotent to do anything about it.

Dr. David Upton, priest at St. Peter's, said, "A group of vandals seems to have targeted our church. We do not know why we are the aim of this persecution. We try to meet the needs of all those in our community by serving mass to all who ask for it. We also encourage all our people to faithfully pray to the Holy Virgin for strength during this trial. The reality is that we have no idea when the vandals will strike next. It is intimidating and discouraging."

According to the Providence Police Department, the vandals have altered the message of the church sign on a total of 17 different occasions since June of this year. Although the marquee is locked, the vandals seem unfazed. They do not break the lock, but somehow manage to get in nonetheless.

Priest Upton elaborated on the mischief, saying, "Some of our older folks are greatly disturbed by the meanings of what we find. The sayings the vandals leave seem to be intended to shake us to the core. They leave only hurtful, angst-producing little slogans as they move the little letters around inside the marquee. We just wish they would desist so that we could get back to our normal routine of the mass."

When asked what types of sayings and slogans the vandals had been leaving behind, Upton replied that they are the worst kind. According to the priest, "Even curse words would be better than what we have seen. Since the end of October in particular, the messages have been more and more offensive."

Priest Upton gave TBNN a list of dates and sayings:

November 1 - "Justification by faith alone"
November 7 - "Sola scriptura"
November 12 - "Mary didn't die a virgin."
November 15 - "Sola fide"
November 21 - "The bible is God's word."
November 24 - "We are a kingdom of priests."
November 28 - "The Pope is fallible."

On December 1st, the "vandals" left the worst message yet. Priest Upton, in tears, reported to the police that on the night of November 30th, the marquee said simply, "Give your all to the church." When he arrived on the morning of December 1st, the marquee had been vandalized to say, "Soli Deo Gloria!"

Upton reportedly cried out to the police, saying, "When will this disrespect come to an end?!"

Sunday Morning Worship Rescheduled To Begin "About The 4th Hour"

2008-11-29T06:27:00.015+03:00

Jasper, MS—First Baptist Church of Jasper will no longer be under pressure to begin morning worship at 10 am as they have been attempting to do for the past 62 years. In a bold announcement on Friday, Pastor Harlan Richardson formally announced the change of the official start time of Sunday morning worship to “about the 4th hour.”

Pastor Richardson explains, “After years of attempting to start the worship service at 10 am, I am ending this manmade pressure.”

For those of you not familiar with early New Testament clockworks, “about the 4th hour” would refer to approximately the time between 10 am and 11 am, the fourth hour of the day. Note that the Jewish day began at 6am.

Pastor Richardson places a lot of emphasis on the word “about” in Scripture. Plenty of Biblical precedent exists for beginning church activities at “about” a certain hour. “I have a real peace that we are in keeping with scriptures in the New Testament to start about the 4th hour. Such declarations regarding non-rigid time schedules are made 6 times in Matthew, twice in Luke, 3 times in John, and 4 times in Acts.” Pastor Richardson explained.

“We might as well change the time,” said Betsy Bibbs . “We’ve never started at 10 anyways. I get here every Sunday by 9:55, and I usually have to wait 15 to 20 minutes before we hear the first announcement.”

“It’s those musician people,” said Krissy Withmore, 13. “Like, you know, they always are late or whatever.”

“This is bad,” said Dan Bradford shaking his head. “At least we used to try to be on time. Now, who knows what time we’ll really begin? Sometime between 10 and 11 to start? I have to have a better schedule than this. How am I supposed to make plans around “about the 4th hour”? This is ridiculous.”

In defense, Pastor Richardson reiterates that there is nothing sacred or even scriptural about meeting at a set time. “We know Lord Jesus ascended to Heaven after His resurrection as recorded in Matthew at a time between 10 am and noon on a Sunday morning because it is very clear that the disciples worshipped Him. But nowhere in the Scripture does it say the exact time of this worship.”

In any case, those of you wishing to attend FBC Jasper this Sunday morning should be prepared to begin about the 4th hour. What should you do to pass the time? Pastor Richardson suggests, “The church does have wireless internet. So, perhaps attendees could bring their laptops to use during the wait.”

Pastor's Proposal of "7-Day Bible Reading Challenge" Met with Confusion

2008-11-26T09:22:00.000+03:00

Kline, Texas - The members of First Baptist Church of Kline are uncertain what to think after this past Sunday's sermon. As the church's pastor Henry Waldrip addressed the congregation from the pulpit, he touched upon a subject that some say "went a little too far." Attempting to draw a contrast with a recent Dallas church's own 7-day challenge, Waldrip suggested that Christians ought to spend more time reading their Bibles. He then went on to challenge his congregation to "read their Bibles every day for a week."

"I read about this other church in Dallas doing their 7-day challenge to supposedly promote intimacy between married couples," said Waldrip. "While I'm all for deeper intimacy between a husband and a wife, but I think the root of marital problems lies not with a lack of intimacy with one another, but intimacy with God. When a husband and wife know and love God more they will love each other more. But even more so, our 7-day challenge doesn't exclude single people within our congregation. So I simply suggested my congregation read their Bibles every day for a week, apply it and see if their marriages and lives in general don't begin to naturally improve."

While many in the congregation seemed receptive to Waldrip's suggestion, many were also seemingly infuriated by the suggestion.

"I can't believe he went that far," said Patty Turnbull, a long-time member of FBC. "I just don't think Pastor Waldrip understands what I have to do every day. My schedule stays pretty full from the moment I wake up until the time I go to bed. Sure, I like to read my Bible when I can, but he can't seriously expect me to read it every day."

"Well, it certainly lacked the pizzaz of the other church's 7-day challenge," said Raymond Donaldson, another member, "I mean, when he challenged us to read our Bibles every day for a week I was like 'um...okay...whatever.' I think if he really wants to get people's attention he needs to challenge us with something a little bit more interesting."

The church's board of Deacons has called a meeting with Waldrip to address the issue this Thursday night. It remains to be seen whether or not Waldrip will continue to push his idea to the congregation.

EMTs Criticized for New Tactics

2008-11-25T22:00:00.000+03:00

SAVANNAH, GA - Several Emergency Management Technicians (EMTs) were suspended without pay last week for new tactics that had not been approved by their supervisors. The three EMTs - two men and one woman - have appealed their suspensions and are awaiting a decision that should come as early as today.

When TBNN asked the EMT supervisory board what the problem was, the board responded in writing, saying, "The three EMTs in question are responsible, as are all EMTs, to do all they can to help the injured or ill remain alive until they arrive at the hospital. These three individuals failed to do that."

We at TBNN wanted to get both sides of the story. Two of the EMTs agreed to grant an interview.

Gary Karver (pictured above), an EMT for several years now, said, "It used to be that when we came upon a dead or dying (we often can't tell the difference at first) person, we would do all we could to resuscitate him and get him to the hospital alive. This was my goal every time. Well, that changed a few weeks ago. The reason for this is that I realized that this violated the person's free will. I mean, what if he doesn't want to be saved? It simply doesn't seem right or fair to take away his freedom like that."

Stephanie Tate, Karver's suspended partner, said, "I agree with Gary. Who are we to save people without asking them what they want? What we had been doing for the last several weeks, before the suspensions, was offering what we call PREVENIENT ASSISTANCE. When we arrived on a scene, we would offer enough help to the accident victim to bring him to the point where he could decide for himself whether or not he wanted to be saved. For example, in one case I gave a man mouth-to-mouth resuscitation but didn't stop his bleeding. He came to consciousness, but unfortunately bled out and died soon after. The point is that he decided."

Karver chimed back in, "Last week, we arrived at the scene of a minor explosion. I quickly gave a little bit of help to everyone involved. However, I refused to make the decision for them. A few died on the scene, but most survived. My supervisor said I should have done more to save them, but this just seemed to me to violate their person-hood. I couldn't do that."

We asked both EMTs if they would change back to their old practices in order to keep their jobs.

According to Tate, "This is a hill on which I have chosen, proverbially, to die. I refuse to violate anyone's free will even if it is for their good. They must choose. That is the most important thing."

Man Names, Then Claims Double Negative Proverbs 18:24

2008-11-22T16:18:00.008+03:00

Baton Rouge, LA -- Bob Westbrook has shown himself friendly for many years. “It’s been too many years,” says Bob. “I have too many friends. I don’t want all these friends. I didn’t ask for all these friends. I don’t need all these friends.”

Bob apparently was born with the friendship trifecta. He’s good looking. He’s generally happy. And he has the #5 friendliest name—Bob, falling just after Ricky at #4. Sandy, Emily, and Barack make up the top 3.

“It’s really a curse more than a blessing,” Bob said jovially, which got a chuckle out of the TBNN crew. “I wasn’t trying to be funny,” Bob attempted to explain when the laughter died down, which lit up the crew once again.

When things calmed down, we learned that Bob plans to take a Name It and Claim It approach to Proverbs 18:24, but in the double negative. "I always heard my grandmother say, ‘If a man wants friends, he should show himself friendly,’ well that’s the trap I fell into. I started showing myself friendly at an early age. It’s a hard habit to break,” said Bob as he received several nods of compassionate understanding from the small crowd that began to gather.

Bob now hopes that by showing an attitude of unfriendliness, he can reduce the friendships. “I’m claiming Proverbs 18:24 in the double negative-- If a man doesn’t want friends, he should show himself unfriendly. Mathematically, two negatives make a positive. It just makes sense to me that if I don’t want so many friends, I can start being unfriendly.” TBNN intern Shelly thought the idea was brilliant. As she was expressing to Bob her admiration, she was interrupted by TBNN photographer Jewel who suggested we all go to Lone Star for lunch. Almost before Jewel had the idea out of her mouth, Bob was calling the local Lone Star manager and whispered “I’m buying” to the TBNN crew and the small crowd that was beginning to form around Bob.

TBNN copy editor Jim did question Bob’s translation of Proverbs 18:24, “You know Bob, some versions read ‘If a man has many friends, he may come to ruin.’" To which Bob replied, “Amen to that!" causing the crowd to erupt. "All these friends are ruining me. I’m definitely going to start showing myself unfriendly. I may even change my name to Fred."

From The Makers of UNO: I Prayed About It Cards

2008-11-15T16:35:00.008+03:00

Have you ever been in the middle of a card game and found yourself 1 card short? Need a blue 2? A queen of hearts? A four of any suit? A wild draw 4? A Rook? Ever been told “go fish”? Ever draw the old maid?

Well, whatever your card game, if you are a Christian you are qualified to use the new I Prayed About It Cards from the makers of UNO.

I Prayed About It Cards are for use with any card game. It’s simple! At any time, in any place, during a card game of any kind, simply play an I Prayed About It Card while telling the other participants the current thoughts running through your mind.

You are a Christian, right? Well, if you are a true Christian who is currently prayed up and in the spirit, then your thoughts are coming directly from the Lord. You should feel confident to share your God-revealed thoughts with others, especially if your thoughts involve the actions or commitments of others. It’s really your duty to tell them. But rather than just using the phrase, “I prayed about it,” build your confidence by simultaneously playing an I Prayed About It Card.

In a game of Spades, for example, if you really feel like you should be playing the ace of spades, but you don’t have the actual ace of spades that came with the card deck, it’s okay. Relax. Dwell for a few minutes in the thought of what you’d like to do. Dwell on the goodness of winning the game. If this seems right to you, reach into your shirt pocket and play the I Prayed About It Card. Just say, “I prayed about it, and I’m playing this card as the ace of spades” as you play your I Prayed About It Card.

By playing an I Prayed About It Card, you have the power to ignore any rule or rules of the regular game. In fact, no one else should disrespectfully speak in dissent of your revelation. No one else should even be allowed to ask questions. Just make sure that you are fully prayed up and in the Spirit before you play the card. Remember, when you play an I Prayed About It Card, remain confident and never question yourself that your thoughts are truly direct messages and interpretations of life choices from the Lord.

Note: The cards have also been used outside of card games. For example, the cards can also be used in church meetings, especially if the answer to prayer involves the efforts and energies of others.

Have a direct message for your pastor? Walk up to him, hand him a card, and say “I prayed about it and I believe we should start [insert name of new program or ministry that has been directly revealed to you].”

So, don't forget yourself this Christmas. Place a little something in your own stocking. Get your very own I Prayed About It Cards, from the makers of UNO. Available soon in stores everywhere.

John 3:16 Conference Finally Proves that Calvinism is Unbiblical

2008-11-10T14:00:00.002+03:00

ATLANTA, GA - The arguments have been made. The debate is finally settled. There is nothing left to discuss.

Calvinism is finished. The Doctrines of Grace have been de-bunked. Reformed theology is has once and for all time been banished to the trash bin of dead theologies.

On November 6-7, Jerry Vines ministries hosted the John 3:16 Conference. At this conference, which billed itself as "A biblical and theological assessment of and response to 5-point Calvinism," noted Southern Baptists took open shots at Calvinism.

Those in attendance were thrilled with the scholarship on display. For example, pastor Bubba Swift of Good Works Baptist Church, told TBNN, "Those speakers sure did a fine job. They just kept quotin' John 3:16 over and over again. No matter what objection was brought to them, they just kept sayin', 'Whosoever will...' It was awesome."

Pastor Wyatt Beasley said, "All I know is Jesus died for the whole world. That means everybody. When I got saved, I could just tell Jesus was cheerin' me on from heaven, just hopin' I'd give myself to Him. That's what I done."

Some of the more notable quotes to come out of the conference were the following:
"Humans are born with original sin but not original guilt."
"A move toward Calvinism is a move away from the gospel.”
"Repentance and faith precede regeneration."
"A 'hyper-Calvinist' is someone who is more Calvinistic than you are.”
"Romans 9-11 have nothing to do with eternal salvation."

The most amazing part of the conference was when one of the speakers reportedly said, "We're right. They're wrong. Who's wrong? A few guys named Augustine, Martin Luther, John Calvin, John Knox, John Owen, John Bunyan, Jonathan Edwards, George Whitefield, William Carey, Adoniram Judson, James Boyce, Arthur Pink, Martyn Lloyd-Jones, J. I. Packer, R. C. Sproul, John MacArthur, and especially John Piper."

It is worth noting that no one from the Southern Baptist Theological Seminary was asked to speak at the conference.

Despite the fact that Dr. Vines said the gathering was not intended to be a "bashing Calvinism" conference, this is exactly what it turned out to be. While those who bothered to attend liked what was said, the broader spectrum of thought within the blog-world has been far less favorable. For some sane thought on this topic, click here and here.

When the conference concluded, there was much ovation and back-slapping. The speakers informed the press that now that Calvinism had been demolished for all time, they would aim their vast intellect at the most important issue facing Protestantism today: alcohol.

Reverend Wright: "I Now Struggle With Shadow Dog"

2008-11-08T06:07:00.006+03:00

Chicago, IL -- Reverend Jeremiah Wright, once a controversial figure in the Barack Obama campaign, has apparently come out of hiding now that the election is over.

Reverend Wright, who fell out of the spotlight when Obama unequivocally denounced statements Wright made from the pulpit, is now in a new line of work. He’s given up his Sunday morning job for a different day and time—Friday night stand-up comedy.

Reverend Wright jokingly calls himself Reverend Left as part of his free gig. Though the routine is free, Wright continues to have an offertory time. “The crowd loves the way I say 'pass the plate',” said Wright.

Wright had the crowd in tears and rolling in the aisles Friday night with his latest routine of “I can’t do the shadow dog anymore” [caught in the picture above]. Wright explains how the media’s faulty descriptions of his sermons as divisive have left him with eye twitches and hand deformities. As the crowd cheered for Wright and booed the media, Wright offered proof of his hand troubles by simulating a faulty shadow dog. “My Diet Coke shot right out of my left nostril at that point,” said crowd participant Meagan Wilson. “He’s a riot!”

I Pledge Allegiance

2008-11-05T14:41:00.006+03:00

Given the election, I guess I am reminded of the term "allegiance" this early morning. I have grown up knowing three "Pledge of Allegiances" (or probably it's Pledges of Allegiance?? ::yawn... stretch... shiver::).

In Vacation Bible School, we would pledge allegiance to (1) the Flag of the United States of America, (2) the Christian Flag, (3) and the Bible. My kids are still freely permitted to recite these today in our church's school.

Regardless of what the future holds with respect to our ability to freely speak our beliefs, there is another pledge of allegiance that hangs on my bedroom wall that I walk by every day. It is one of my most valued earthly possessions. I felt like sharing this morning. I hope you enjoy.

I pledge allegiance to my husband, my leader;

My companion, my lover, my friend.

I will do my best to be the kind of wife I believe

God wants me to be.

To be loving and generous in my affection to him.

To be faithful in what I do and think.

To be respectful and supportive in all of his work,

Duties and his high calling of leading me and being

The father of our children. To be helpful in making

Our home a loving, happy home committed to each

Other and to God.

To: My Loving Husband [Dr. Brother Slawson]

From: Your Devoted Wife [Mrs. Dr. Brother Slawson]

October 31, 2000

I thank God for all the P31 women of this world [but especially my P31 woman :)]. I believe they (or the lack of them) are and have been the most important instruments of change. I pray for positive change.

Rector Daringly Introduces Jesus to Episcopal Church

2008-11-03T14:00:00.004+03:00

TACOMA, WA - Dr. Stephen Daniel, Rector of St. Andrew's Episcopal Church of Tacoma, recently took a daring step that has since endangered his ministry. Against the advice of several other Episcopal rectors in his state, Daniel introduced Jesus Christ to his church. The response, to say the least, caused a great uproar in the church.

According to Daniel, "Our people have responded to the message of Jesus Christ in one of two ways. Some within the church body are extremely excited because they now see how they can be saved. These folks sensed that there was more to life and church than just the typical Anglican traditions. They knew they had sinned, and are now thrilled to find out that there is actually a Savior."

Marge Street, a twenty-year member of St. Andrew's, is one of the happy ones. Marge informed TBNN, "I have been in church ever since I was a teenager, but this is the first time I have ever heard about Jesus Christ and what He did for me on the cross so many years ago. I couldn't be happier!"

Rector Daniel mentioned, however, that there are others within the congregation who aren't too happy about all this "Jesus-talk." Daniel said, "Although some have given Jesus a positive reaction, the reality is that about 60-65% of the congregation has real concerns about how bringing Jesus into the life of the church will affect St. Andrew's. I personally believe that introducing Jesus to our church programs can only benefit what we are doing. Unfortunately, many are not in agreement."

Dr. Theresa Smith-Williams-Henderson, who teaches Sunday School at the church, said, "I believe Rector Daniel has good intentions. However, he simply cannot just push forth his own agenda in the church. He needs to be more reasonable. We as a church were doing well before all this began. We were reaching out to our community here in Tacoma and to those in need in several overseas countries. We were a united body. Now we have all sorts of strife and consternation within the church. Now all we seem to be talking about is Jesus and which 'side' we are on. It is all very sad."

This week's church newsletter, The St. Andrew's News, is reporting that the church body will be having a members-only meeting this coming Thursday night to discuss the situation. A few different un-named sources have told TBNN that while some people want the rector to resign, the majority just want a censure and a promise from him to cease all this talk about Jesus.

Rector Daniel, in response to hearing about the Thursday meeting, said, "At this point I'm not sure what is going to happen or what I'm going to do. I thought talking about Jesus would be good. If I can't talk about Him, I'm not sure what there is left to say."

Lexington Man Admits Vandalizing Baptist Hymnals

2008-10-31T02:51:00.023+03:00

Luther Martin of Walnut Mountain Baptist Church on the outskirts of Lexington, Kentucky has been released on bond after being charged with vandalizing the church’s 1975 Baptist Hymnals. He subsequently admitted his guilt to TBNN in an effort to get his story out.

Martin was seen by unidentified witnesses entering an unlocked side door of the church in the early early morning of October 31, 2008. Around dawn, Ed Caster, the Walnut Mountain Baptist Church custodian noticed something strange when he came to tidy up the sanctuary.

“I didn’t know what it was at first. I just saw this flash of difference throughout the sanctuary, and then I realized that something white had been taped to every red hymnal in the church,” said Caster.

As it turns out, Martin used Super Glue to attach his “95 Corrections” to every 1975 Baptist Hymnal in the sanctuary. “I’m heartbroken,” said Pastor Tom Presley. “Many in our congregation have worshipped these… um… worshipped with these precious hymnals for over 30 years.”

So, why would Martin commit such a dreadful act? “I stand for truth,” Martin explained. “The hymnals are filled with error. In fact, I found exactly 95 errors that do not align with scripture. I made a list of these errors, typed them out with suggested corrections, and reduced the list to the size of the hymnal cover. I’m tired of singing songs that abuse truth. I wanted to make a strong statement.”

For example, for Song 475, Victory in Jesus in the third stanza, Martin said “streets” should be corrected to “street.” “This error is particularly egregious. Revelation 21 is clear that Heaven contains only one street." Martin took correcting this error further than normal by using a black permanent Sharpie to cover up the ‘s’ in every hymnal. "I wasn’t satisfied with simply making a statement about correcting this error.”

Sample other corrections include:
(487) Since Jesus Came Into My Heart: remove entire chorus; change all “Since Jesus Came Into My Heart” statements to “Since I’m Free in Christ Jesus, My God”
(491) When We All Get to Heaven: change “pearly gates” to “pearl gates”; change “streets of gold” to “street of gold” (See also the correction to 475).
(107) There is a Fountain: change “wash all my sins away” to “wash all my sin away” because sin should not be plural in this case.

Not all things on the list are corrections per se. For example, for Song 85 “O Little Town of Bethlehem” Martin indicated “eliminate this entire song.” “Yeah, why should we worship a town? I don’t see the need,” said Martin.

Martin suggested moving the location of Song 88, “Joy to the World.” This song should be moved from the Christmas section to the Lord’s Return section, around page 129. “Why have a song about the Lord’s return in the middle of all the Christmas songs?” asked Martin.

Maybe most surprising, Martin was able to find error even in one of the very old songs: (37) A Mighty Fortress is Our God: change title and words within song to “The Mighty Fortress is God” to eliminate the possibility of other equally strong fortresses or gods.

TBNN had not yet obtained a copy of the complete 95 Corrections at the time of this article's publication.