26 June, 2008


Dear Comrads,

For some time now it has become evident that our dear religion is in trouble. For years now our churches, seminaries and homes have been plagued by a heresy that threatens to destroy us. Yes, I'm talking about Calvinism. For years, these Calvinists were confined to the fringes of Christianity, but over the past few decades they have been making a resurgence in many denominations. NOW IS THE TIME! I call upon all Arminians of solid conviction to take action to stop the spread of Calvinism throughout the world.

Now is time to root them out. Perhaps they are in your church or your school. It is possible that even your pastor himself is one! The word must get out. Over the course of the next few weeks we will be distributing these posters. Place them wherever you can. Let us end this wave of heresy before it grows worse.

Comrad Foma Karlovich Slavsyn

25 June, 2008

Church Sued Over Trademark Infringement

Chicago, Il - Recently the members of Mt. Olive Baptist Church in Chicago have found themselves in a bit of a predicament. It's been over 25 years since the small congregation was founded, and through the years there has been little trouble. But that all changed just recently when the church discovered that they were being sued for trademark infringement by a major U.S. corporation, whose name has not yet been released.

The issue at hand dates back almost two years ago when the church remodeled their sanctuary and added a new church sign in an effort to "freshen up" their image. New chairs were installed, a fresh coat of paint was applied and a new piano was brought in. In addition, the church's new sign was updated each day with new, fresh sayings to encourage people. All this was coupled with the church's new slogan "I'm lovin' it."

"I really don't understand what all the trouble is about," said pastor Lester Boyton. "We're just a small congregation trying to get by. All we did was change up a few things here and there to make it easier on the people."

Since the physical changes two years ago the church also began doing other things a little differently. Pastor Boyton explained some of changes to TBNN.

"We used to have our worship service from 11AM-12PM, but now we start at 6AM and go until 10:30AM, that way people can come when it's most convenient for them. During this time too, we also have breakfast for people if they need it. We have fresh apple pies or some handy English muffins with eggs and ham and such. After the morning service at 10:30 we have lunch also for people who want it, but we usually keep it simple with just hamburgers and french fries, and maybe a salad for those who request it."

According to Boyton the case is set to go to court later this summer. TBNN was unable to uncover any further information about the unnamed plaintiff in the case, but several top members of the journalistic profession are looking into the situation.

18 June, 2008

Pastor Caught in Reformed Website Scandal

Battle Creek, Mi - John Hodges, the associate pastor of Liberty Baptist Church in Battle Creek, stood before an emotional and confused congregation this past Sunday and tried his best to explain what was going on with the church's senior pastor, Dr. Charles Hollingsworth.

"I know we are all in shock," said Hodges from the pulpit. "Believe me, I'm hurting from this too. But I think one thing that brother Charles needs right now is our prayers and our support. He's been placed on sabbatical indefinitely, but we want to work with him and spend some time trying to help him through this deeply troubling period of his life."

The trouble for Hollingsworth began about a month ago when the church installed a piece of software called Covenant Eyes on all of the church's computers. The Covenant Eyes software is intended to help guard against someone surfing the web for explicit material through accountability, remotely monitoring all internet sites visited on a particular computer and logging them so that they cannot be changed. The program then sends the information to designated accountability partners. In the case of Liberty Baptist various members of the Deacon's board were assigned to keep the pastoral staff accountable. While the main intention of the program is to guard against surfing explicit websites, the log information shows every site visited, including sites designated as "safe." Thus, it was not long before pastor Hollingsworth's accountability partner made some shocking discoveries.

"I got his weblog in my email, and I was looking it over carefully," said deacon Patrick Downes. "Everything looked fine to me, I didn't see anything inappropriate, but I kept seeing this one site over and over again called monergism.com. From what I could tell he was visiting this site a lot. So I decided to take a look and see what it was all about."

Downes describes what he found as "shocking" and "disgusting." As it turns out monergism.com is an entire website devoted to Calvinist and Reformed writings, cataloging everything from the Puritans to contemporary theologians. Downes soon found out that Hollingsworth had been deeply engaged in reading the works of John Owen, John Calvin, Sinclair Ferguson and C.H. Spurgeon.

"My heart sank when I found out he had been visiting all of these sites," said Downes. "I immediately contacted brother Hodges. We went into the pastor's study one night when he wasn't there and started up his computer. As it turns out he'd been downloading articles and even printing them out. We also found he'd started up a friendship with a local PCA [Presbyterian Church in America] minister, having coffee with him and things such as that. It was just terrible."

For the time being Hodges has been named interim pastor of Liberty Baptist while Hollingsworth has been placed on "Sabbatical." Hodges, who is supposedly overseeing his "rehabilitation," told TBNN that he has put Hollingsworth on a strict reading diet of Ergun Caner, Dave Hunt and Charles Finney. TBNN was unable to reach Hollingsworth for comment. Hodges further noted that Liberty Baptist is planning to buy the popular Net Finney software to ensure this kind of incident does not happen again.

12 June, 2008

Hinn Granted First HWPG Sainthood

In an exclusive report, TBNN has learned that Benny Hinn has been recently granted the first official "sainthood" by Health, Wealth and Prosperity Gospel leaders. TBNN learned that a group of HWPG pastors, which included big names like Creflo Dollar, Leroy Thompson, Joel Osteen and Kenneth Copeland, met in Atlanta, Georgia last week to discuss the prospect of "sainthood" for those who had contributed much to the HWPG cause. During the meeting the group discussed possible choices for the first ever "sainthood" amongst HWPG advocates. Over the course of the meetings Hinn's name repeatedly came up.

"Yeah, I thought I would have been a good choice myself, but I didn't want to bring it up," said Creflo Dollar. "And because no one else at the meeting wanted to nominate me, I sure enough wasn't going to nominate one of them. But Benny wasn't there so I threw out his name. That man's made it. He ain't no broke preacher. He's got some pie baby, and that's the truth!"

After several hours of consideration the group unanimously chose Hinn to be canonized as "Saint Hinn, the Rich." According to participants at the council, a number of factors contributed to Hinn being chosen.

"Well, the man has healed many," said Kenneth Copeland. "And his ministry is worldwide, plus he's got that cute little accent which really adds a sort of cultural flair to the whole deal. Overall though, we looked primarily at his bank account and his possessions. That man's got a lot of stuff and that's proof he's got a lot of faith."

The council plans to meet annually to choose a new "saint" each year. Hinn was unavailable for comment.

11 June, 2008

Kazoo Player Livens up Praise Band

Portland, Or - Paul Dooley loves what he does. While he lives the life of a single, mild mannered 42-year-old accountant who lives with parents during the week, on the weekends he is nothing less than a minor sensation at his home church. A life-long member of Cornerstone Church in Portland, Dooley had longed to be a member of the Praise and Worship band since his early days, but met rejection over and over again.

"I remember when I was 14, I tried to join the Praise Band, but they said that they didn't need a Tuba player" Dooley told TBNN. "Then when I was in college I asked if they would let me play the theremin in the band, but they nixed that idea too. After that I tried the accordion, the washboard and finally a crystal glass array, but each time I was rejected. It seemed that no matter what instrument I played they were never interested."

But finally in March of this year, Dooley approached the band leader once again this time thinking he had finally found a winner. Dooley's instrument of choice? The kazoo. And since his entrance into the band, the church's time of praise and worship has seemingly been raised to new heights.

"At first I was reluctant," said Praise Band leader John Conway. "But, surprisingly, in all my years of knowing Paul, this was the most reasonable instrument he'd presented me with, so I thought I'd at least give him a shot. I'll admit, though, I didn't expect much."

But to everyone's surprise, Dooley's kazoo playing has served to only heighten the worship experience at Cornerstone. Each Sunday now, Dooley stands in front of his microphone, kazoo in hand and offers his own musical interpretation of the songs as he accompanies the band.

"Sometimes I just play the melody and sometimes I'll play some harmony or throw in a descant or counter-melody," said Dooley. "Sometimes I'll even do an intro or a solo to set the mood."

"Ever since Paul has joined our band we've been taken to new heights in our worship," said Cornerstone's pastor Alex Paulson. "When he does that slow moving intro to Storm I get tears in my eyes every time."