29 August, 2008

TBNN Exclusive: Fred Phelps Not in Running for McCain VP

Topeka, Ks - In an exclusive interview with an anonymous member of the John McCain campaign, TBNN has learned that the Rev. Fred Phelps of Westboro Baptist Church is not a potential vice presidential running mate for the Republican ticket. Some had speculated whether Phelps, the controversial and often inflammatory pastor, might be a possible choice. But when TBNN questioned the campaign worker it became clear that Phelps is "nowhere in the picture."

"No, Phelps will not be at today's rally," said the worker. "I don't think he was ever a consideration."

With Phelps out of the picture speculation is now turning to exactly who will be chosen with some experts suggesting names like John Hagee, Creflo Dollar and Hank Hanegraaff. Others have speculated that the Rev. Jesse Jackson will be named. McCain is expected to make his announcement today at 12PM EST.

20 August, 2008

Episcopal Church Considers Ordaining Straight Male Clergy

Newark, NJ - Representatives of the Episcopal Church USA announced on Monday plans to begin allowing the ordination of straight males within the denomination. The news was received with mixed results within the denomination, but many reacted favorably to the news.

"I personally think it's wonderful," said Rev. Patricia Lauden-Phat-Wilkenson. "It's important that our denomination be seen as one that welcomes people from all walks of life, even straight males. They're no different from any of us really. They just want to serve God, and who are we to say they cannot fulfill that calling because of their gender or sexual orientation."

But while some celebrated the news, others were disappointed in the announcement and are already planning to voice protests.

"It's despicable," said Rev. Allison Porter-House-Nichols. "Our denomination is going to the dogs. If they start allowing the ordination of straight males, who knows what they'll allow next, like freaks who use the Bible."

Porter-House-Nichols went on to further state that she plans to stage a 1 hour "hunger strike" this Friday evening at 11:00PM at her parish in Newark to protest the decision.

"We plan to let those in charge know that we're not pleased with this decision," she stated. "If we need to we'll plan as many of these 1 hour hunger strikes that we need to in order to get our point across."

08 August, 2008

"The One Week Bible" Not Catching On

Carol Stream, Il - Tyndale House Publishers reported on Thursday that since the release of The One Week Bible three months ago sales have been "significantly less than expected." Sales reports for the first quarter show that a mere 13 copies have sold since The One Week Bible hit the shelves in May.

Many are already familiar with the popular One Year Bible, available in a variety of translations and conveniently divided into 365 daily readings taking approximately 30-35 minutes each, allowing the reader to steadily read through the whole Bible in a period of one year. But The One Week Bible is designed to be much more "intense," dividing the Bible into seven readings of roughly 10 hours and 20 minutes thus allowing a person to read the whole Bible in one week.

The idea for The One Week Bible was developed over the last year at Tyndale House. Various audio Bibles that have been released have shown that the Bible can be read through from beginning to end in about 72 hours. With this in mind Tyndale set out to release a Bible for people who wanted a more "intense reading" of Scripture. Tyndale first designed and test marketed The Three Day Bible, in which the Bible was conveniently divided into three "daily" readings of about 24 hours each, but the product was received rather poorly. Tyndale then began working on The One Week Bible hoping to attract a larger audience.

But now the extremely poor sales have become a major concern for Tyndale House. Having printed over 40,000 copies and having only sold 13, marketing directors are beginning to question whether or not the release of The One Week Bible was the wisest course of action.

"We knew going in that this was going to be for a particular market, but we weren't expecting sales to be this low," said Tyndale Vice President of marketing Roger Schultz. "We're going to try and restructure some of our approaches to marketing and see what develops. Perhaps we need to target more specific audiences with, say, The One Week Women's Bible or The One Week Teen Extreme Bible."

06 August, 2008

Judge Accused of Judging Others

By Dr. Tom

Memphis, Tn - When he took office almost three months ago the Honorable Judge William Firth soon discovered that people in his church were not happy at all. Firth, a member of Crossroads Baptist Church, started getting dirty looks and cold, short responses when he talked to people on Sundays. No one seemed interested in coming over to his house anymore and he was politely told "no thank you" each time he offered to help with various church activities. Confused by the sudden cold shoulder, Firth tried a number of times in vain to find out why people had suddenly begun treating him so coldly.

"I tried to talk to people," said Firth. "I would ask people 'Have I done something to offend you?' and they'd just say 'No, everything's fine.' and would walk away. But I knew something was awry."

Firth finally was able to get some insight into what was going on when he approached Crossroads' pastor, Paul Van Eisdale, and asked him if he knew anything about the situation. Van Eisdale's answer came as nothing less than a shock.

"Pastor Paul sat down with me one afternoon and we had a talk," said Firth. "I said to him 'Pastor Paul, do you know any reason why people are being so cold and unfriendly towards me lately? It seems like the whole church is treating me this way and I can't for the life of me figure out why.' Well, he said to me 'William, I can tell you what it is. They're bothered by how judgmental you are. Ever since you were elected to office your whole job has been nothing but to sit around all day and judge others, and that bothers people.' I was dumbfounded. I told him 'But it's my job, I'm supposed to uphold the law of the land. All I do is look at what the law says and say honestly if a person is breaking it or not.' But he didn't seem to accept that answer. He just looked me in the eye and said 'William, the Bible says you're not supposed to judge others, and that's all your job is all day long, to judge others! As long as you go around being judgmental the people in this church aren't going to be very receptive of you.'"

Firth left the meeting confused and discouraged. He has since begun to evaluate whether he needs to resign from the bench or not.

"I suppose I'm having sort of a crisis here," said Firth. "My pastor says that we're not supposed to judge others, but that's my very job, to judge others. How can I stay in this position and call myself a Christian?"