TBNN Exclusive: Fred Phelps Not in Running for McCain VP

Topeka, Ks - In an exclusive interview with an anonymous member of the John McCain campaign, TBNN has learned that the Rev. Fred Phelps of Westboro Baptist Church is not a potential vice presidential running mate for the Republican ticket. Some had speculated whether Phelps, the controversial and often inflammatory pastor, might be a possible choice. But when TBNN questioned the campaign worker it became clear that Phelps is "nowhere in the picture."

"No, Phelps will not be at today's rally," said the worker. "I don't think he was ever a consideration."

With Phelps out of the picture speculation is now turning to exactly who will be chosen with some experts suggesting names like John Hagee, Creflo Dollar and Hank Hanegraaff. Others have speculated that the Rev. Jesse Jackson will be named. McCain is expected to make his announcement today at 12PM EST.

Top Republican Candidates Speak Out on Religious Views

On Wednesday TBNN was proud to bring you exclusive statements from the top two Democratic candidates for President, Senators Hillary Clinton and Barak Obama. Today we now turn our attention to the Republican side of the aisle. But in the case of the Republican candidates, we have more to read about. Thus far, four main candidates are are showing a strong running to win the nomination for their party, Senator John McCain, former New York Mayor Rudolph (Rudy) Giuliani, Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee, and former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney. Their statements are presented as follows in no particular order.

Mitt Romney:

"It's time to set the record straight about who I am and my faith. Yes, I am a Mormon, and proud to be. My faith to me is very important. It is the driving force in my life. But being a Mormon in American is difficult at times. We have suffered persecution and misunderstanding. Since announcing I would run for president I have had questions asked to me 'So Mitt, if elected would you wear your holy undies in the oval office?' and jokes like 'So, I guess there'll be no coffee or tea at the cabinet meetings' and my favorite 'So, are we going to change the name of Camp David to Camp Joseph Smith?' But I take all of these things in stride and with a grain of salt realizing that most people are just ignorant of what we really believe. And what do we really believe? We believe the same things you do. Mormonism is really no different from the Reformed Faith. We basically believe the same thing. And that's my encouragement to you. Don't let my Mormonism be a hindrance for you. Other than things like the Trinity, salvation by faith alone, baptism for the dead, etc. we really just believe the same things."

John McCain:

"Okay, I know what you're thinking. 'John McCain, what kind of Republican is he going to be? He's Episcopalian for crying out loud.' And believe me, I completely understand. Me and the other 17 Republicans in the Episcopal church often get together and discuss whether or not we should switch to another denomination or not, but it just always gets too complicated. But in all honesty, let me set your minds at ease. Although I'm an Episcopalian, I'm still a Republican and still a conservative. I don't know a lot about Reformed theology, but I've known a couple of Presbyterians in my life and they've all been really nice people on the whole, with the exception of this one old elder I knew who was always really grumpy. But that's beside the fact. The point is, um, well, I forgot the point. Just trust me. Vote for me. You won't regret it."

Rudolph (Rudy) Giuliani:

"Dear Reformed People. I thank you for this opportunity to share with you my views on religion. I grew up Roman Catholic and almost, at one time, entered the priesthood. But, as you all know, that never materialized, and so law and politics became my pursuits. But I want you to know that despite the fact that I support abortion and gay marriage that Pat Robertson has endorsed me. That's right folks, Pat endorses me. So if you're questioning whether or not I should be your next President, just say to yourself, "Well, Pat supports him, he must be okay.'"

Mike Huckabee:

"As most of you already know, I'm a Baptist. I have pastored churches in the past, and have been a member of the Southern Baptist convention almost all my life. While I realize that The SBC is not the friendliest place in the world to Calvinists, I can assure you with all honesty that I will be a president for all peoples, for Calvinists and Arminians. Under my administration, Calvinists will be welcomed and affirmed. I even have hopes for putting some Calvinists on my staff once in office. So fear not to vote for old Mike. Who knows, if I'm predestined to win (ha, ha ha,) it's going to happen right?"

Top Democratic Candidates Speak Out on Religious Views

Note: On Friday's edition of TBNN we will present the views of the top Republican candidates.

It is no secret who the top to contenders are for the Democratic nomination. Since the beginning of the Presidential campaign, Senators Hillary Clinton and Barak Obama have dominated the news. For both candidates, a White House win would mean a history-making first for the United States, Clinton being the first woman president, Obama being the first African-American to hold the office. Current polls show both candidates running neck-in-neck with one another, and both candidates are realizing that in order to win the nomination they are going to have to "beef up" their campains.

We here at TBNN, in order to help our readers be more informed during this election campaign time have asked both Senators to make brief statements regarding their religious views. They are as follows,

Senator Clinton:

"My fellow Calvinists, it was the great Puritan theologian John Owen who said 'Be killing sin, or it will be killing you.' How true those words are. How important it is for us to root out those things in our lives which so easily beset us that we may continue to fight the good fight.

I want you to know, especially this election season, that I stand for you, the Reformed community. Though I grew up in the Methodist tradition, I am proud to have known several Calvinists growing up. I'll never forget our neighbor down the street, a kind and gentle old lady every simply called 'Aunt Lola.' She went to a Presbyterian church, and she would always bring us chicken soup if she heard that one of us were sick. Though I never talked about theology with her, you could see her Calvinism pouring off of here, and though my theology might not necessarily be "Reformed" per se, I have always believed that I am a Calvinist in spirit.

With that in mind, I want to encourage you to "choose" me. I'll admit that I want to laugh a little bit when I say that because I know that Calvinists believe that everything has already been planned and ordained. So I then encourage you to simply participate in what has already been predestined to happen, that is my election as President of the United States. Thank you for your time, and support. By Grace, Hillary Clinton

Barak Obama:

"We live in an important time, at this juncture in our history. We find ourselves at the threshold looking outward to that which is greener and brighter. And so, it is imperative that we listen and function within that framework of livelihood and exuberance. Vitality is the key. Let us now grow weary, but labor on in the methods taught us. Let us fly forward to new heights of achievement and grace in our lives.

It was my grandmother who said to me, "Barak, there's no one who can say that." I remember those words. They were instilled in me at a young age, and I've tried to live by them every day. And I can tell you that with all honesty they have truly affected my life. I find comfort and peace daily. And we as Americans, as Christians, who hold dear that to which we have been holding find more than enough. Yes, more than enough that we should cherish those same ideals.

So I ask you, is not the choice clear? Seize that which is of essence and walk through the tunnel to its end. Sincerely, Barak Obama."

Pat Robertson Endorses Satan's Candidacy for Republican Nomination

New York, New York - In a recent development that is shocking millions of Americans, presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani announced on Tuesday evening that he was abandoning his bid for President.

"I'm dropping out of this race for personal reasons I do not wish to discuss" said Giuliani to a crowd of stunned supporters at a fund raising dinner Tuesday night in New York. "I wish I could say more now, and perhaps in the near future I will be able to explain my reasons, but I simply cannot go into further detail at this time."

After the speech Giuliani left the stage, and left many of his supporters struggling to find answers. One supporter in particular was left with a particular dilemma. The Reverend Pat Robertson had only several weeks ago, amid much controversy, voiced his support for Giuliani's campaign. But before the night was out a new runner in the presidential race emerged that quickly won the support of Robertson. The candidate? None other than the Devil himself.

The crowd remained at the fund raiser and continued with the evening's dinner, but before the night was out The Prince of the Power of the Air appeared on stage to announce his candidacy for President.

"I'm sad that we lost Rudy" said The Father of Lies, appearing as an angel of light. "But I feel this nation is at a critical point in history. Our boarders are not secure, and terrorism affects us from every side. I ought to know, because hey, I'm working in the hearts of the terrorists! So it is with great joy that I announce my bid for the office of the President of the United States."

After the speech some cheered, some fled screaming from the building, and some passed out, but all were surprised when Robertson, who had showed up at the event to support Guiliani, took the stand to voice his support for The Old Serpent.

"We have been on an emotional roller coaster this evening" said Robertson. "We all watched and listened with shock as Rudy dropped out of the campaign, but here at the end of the evening a glimmer of hope has appeared. I know that many might question my support of Beelzebub for president on the Republican ticket, but as he said we are indeed at a critical point in our nation's history. Issues such as terrorism and securing our boarders are more pressing right now than anything, and who better to take care of the problem than the guy who's causing it all? So this year, my vote goes for Lucifer. After all, he's the best chance the Republicans have for a victory."

Many applauded after Robertson's speech, but a number of Republicans are now expressing concerns over The Evil One's run for President.

"I'm not sure this is such a good idea" said former Guiliani supporter Robert Lendle. "I just don't think I can support such a candidate."

But other's were heartily ready to support The Deceiver.

"Look he's running on the Republican ticket, and he's the best chance we have for a winner" said supporter Ingrid Philman. "Yes, I'm a Christian, but the most important thing is for the Republicans to win, no matter who's running in the top spot. Yes, I suppose I could vote for one of the more conservative candidates who actually believed and supported agendas more in line with Christian beliefs, but I would only be throwing away my vote."

Satan plans to hit the campaign trail this week with stops scheduled in Iowa and Florida.

Ahmadinejad Speaks to Unitarian Congregation

New York, New York - The visit of Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has been surrounded by controversy. Since becoming president of Iran in 2005 Ahmadinejad has made statements denying the Holocaust and calling for the destruction of Israel. His recent visit to the United States in order to address the U.N. General Assembly and planned visit to speak at Columbia University has been the focus of many debates. The question as to whether an avowed enemy of the United States and flagrant anti-Semite should be allowed to speak openly at an American University has been questioned by many. But one other public appearance by Ahmadinejad upon his arrival in the United States managed to slip by virtually unnoticed to the public and the entire media, the entire media, that is, except for TBNN.

In an exclusive investigation, TBNN was able to discover that President Ahmadinejad's first speaking engagement upon arriving in the United States on Sunday was at the Baker Street Unitarian Unaversalist Congregation. Ahmadinejad addressed the congregation during their regular Sunday morning "time of gathering."

"I thank you for the opportunity to speak to you today" stated Ahmadinejad. "It is a comfort to know that there are still some left in America who stand for freedom of speech and the right to think and believe according to one's own conscience."

Ahmadinejad spoke for over an hour to the packed house of over 500 people. After he was finished he received a standing ovation from the congregation. At the end of the "service" the entire congregation joined hands with Admadinejad and sang "We Shall Overcome."

While this first speaking engagement of Ahmadinejad's went largely unnoticed, some who were privy to the events ahead of time were "deeply troubled" by his appearance.

"I for one am not pleased" said Evylyn Pietrewlevski, a member of Baker Street. "I understand the importance of diversity and tolerance. I don't want to offend the Iranian people in any way, but I don't think this was the right person to have."

Still, the Rev. Odessa Alma Jennings-Hardworth, pastor of Baker Street, defended the decision to have Ahmadinejad speak.

"We realize that President Ahmadinejad has made some statements which could be considered by some to be intolerant" stated Jennings-Hardworth. "Indeed, that might be true. But one must examine his overall demeanor. While Mr. Ahmadinejad is intolerant towards good things, he is also intolerant of those whom we consider intolerant in even more important matters, namely those of the far-right agenda. So we share a common intolerance of unfavorable intolerance and his intolerance of intolerance far out weights, in my opinion, his intolerance of those things tolerable. If there's one thing we cannot tolerate, it is intolerance, unless a greater intolerance exists towards those with even greater intolerance. I think our motives in having him speak, speak for themselves."

Robertson Predicts Seven Year "TV and Internet Famine"

Pat Robertson, founder of the 700 Club and the "Moral Majority" has made a number of "prophesies" in the past concerning future events. The religious leader and political activist has been both praised and criticized over the years for his predictions, many of which have failed to come true. But on Thursday Robertson made one of his most "unusual" prophetic statements about the coming decade. He began by relating a dream he had had earlier this week.

"I had a dream last night" said Robertson during a press interview. "I saw seven high-tech computer systems all running Windows Vista, and I saw seven old 386SX machines running DOS. The old DOS machines devoured the newer machines. I woke up and pondered this dream. I then went back to sleep. Again I dreamed and saw seven brand new HDTV systems and seven old analog black and white televisions. The old TVs devoured the HDTV systems."

Many have already noted the similarities between Robertson's dream and that of Pharaoh's in Exodus. Robertson believes that this is no coincidence.

"This dream can only mean one thing" he stated. "For seven years we are going to have an abundance of developments in the areas of high-definition television and the internet. These seven years of abundance will be followed by an internet and television famine, in which no TV or internet will be found in the land."

Despite Robertson's confidence in the divine nature of his revelation his "prophecy" has been mocked by many. But some are concerned and are taking special measures to prepare.

"I'm stocking up" said Edward Long, a used car salesman from Baltimore, Maryland. "I've got a brand new TV down in my basement that I'm not touching until the famine comes. I've been recording my favorite shows on DVD and buying up all of the movies I can. I'm also going to get onto this satellite internet thing. Maybe it won't be affected."

Robertson has made repeated attempts to contact President Bush concerning the matter, but he has yet to be received.

"I've tried to call George W." said Robertson, "but so far I've heard nothing from him. This country has got to take action now and store up for the times of trouble to come. Perhaps he could even get some special measures passed to make me second in command of the country or something and let me coordinate the effort."