K-Love Switches to Exclusive A Cappella Psalmody

Sacramento, California

Many American Christians were shocked on Friday morning as they turned on their radios.  The popular radio station known as "K-Love" had suddenly switched from their familiar format of contemporary Christian music (CCM) and praise and worship music to a cappella unaccompanied psalms, with recordings taken from various congregations of the Free Church of Scotland.

"I was expecting Chris Tomlin when I loaded up the kids for school this morning." Said Kathy Valen, mother of four.  "Instead I got a jarring rendition of Psalm 109:10, 'Let his children be continually vagabonds, and beg: let them seek their bread also out of their desolate places.' My kids were just a little freaked out, and I'll admit, I was too."

All around the country on the various repeater stations people were baffled, checking their radios, switching stations and visiting the K-Love website to make sure everything was okay. The station was flooded with calls all day long, especially when the daily "Encouraging Word" was replaced with sermons of the late Dr. Martyn Lloyd-Jones.

TBNN tried to reach someone at the station for comment.  One DJ who asked to remain anonymous stated only that, "The change is likely to be permanent" and that "We will be shutting down every Sunday in observance of the Sabbath."

I Read These Guys in Seminary

Some will get it, some will not.

My Coming Out

It's not the first time the couple has gotten dirty looks.  As they board the plane people stare, some try to hide their disgust and displeasure, while others make no pretense and openly roll their eyes in disapproval. Some shift nervously in their seats trying to hide their "Please don't sit next to me!" look, while others go so far as to change seats. This awkward scenario is not confined merely to airplanes. They've experienced this same attitude before in restaurants, stores, public events and even some churches. There are sadly even some businesses with policies that openly discriminate against them, restaurants with signs reading "not allowed" and "unwelcome." Even in a city like Portland, Oregon that prides itself on tolerance and acceptance, this happy couple still faces the daily looks and public ridicule simply because of who they are.

Some people have thankfully become more tolerant, and some more welcoming and affirming of couples like this realizing that they didn't choose to be this way. What right does anyone have to deny them a happy and fulfilled life?  What right does the government have to interfere or businesses deny services? Why are they so often despised by others around them simply because they have a different identity? Shouldn't they have the same rights as everyone else?

Such is the life of parents of small children.

I'm coming out proudly today.  I'm a parent.  I didn't choose to be a parent. I was born with a strong and powerful desire to have children, raise them, love them, care for them and see them become mature adults. It's my "orientation." It's my insurmountable natural desire to have children. 

I first noticed this desire when I was a just a child. At first I didn't understand these feelings and emotions, but as I grew I became more aware of who I was inside. Throughout my college years many around me talked of "living free" or would say things like "I'm never having kids."  I would sometimes go along with them fearing ridicule if I were to let them know that I hoped to have five or six kids one day. But I finally had to come to grips with who I was.  I was a man who wanted to get married and have lots of children one day. I wanted little kids sitting around a family table eating bowls of Cheerios. I dreamed of Saturdays playing in parks followed by ice cream afterward. I smiled thinking about one day traveling with my family on trips to different places, pushing them around in shopping carts at the store, homeschooling them, and lots of kisses at night. 

Today, even in the year 2013, people like us are still facing discrimination.  The scowls grow more and more each day. Simply entering a public venue with a kid in tow can illicit looks of ashen horror on the faces of others as they anxiously ponder the possibility that the child might do something disgusting and offensive like make noise or cry.  And heaven forbid if a couple dares have more than three children.  At this point society feels obligated to dictate to such parents what they should do behind closed doors in the privacy of their own homes.  A society that dares not tell others what they should and shouldn't do in their bedrooms, suddenly can tell such couples that they "have too many kids" are "contributing to overpopulation" and that homeschooling their kids is "dangerous" and "narrow minded."  

No, I didn't choose to be a parent.  I was born this way, and what right does anyone have to deny me the fulfillment of my happiness, to be who I really am?

Acts Body Wash - Smell Like the Early Church!

Do you want to be as close as possible to the church in Acts?Have you washed your hands of the institutional church for the pure and authentic New Testament experience?  Now you can wash your body of it too with all new Acts Body Wash.  After just one shower, you're home church will not only look just like the church of the New Testament, but will smell like it too!

Acts Body Wash is specially formulated to replicate the smells of the first-century Near East.  Based on the most accurate historic research, our scientists have painstakingly produced what is believed to be the the exact smells of New Testament times.  These smells include:

• Human sewerage waste
• Animal dung
• Rotting meat
• Dead fish
• Six-month unbathed person
• Filth
• Death

So try new Acts Body Wash today and you're church will not only look New Testament, but will smell like it too!

New Baptist Hymnal Eliminates "Non-Essential" Verses

NASHVILLE, TENNESSEE

Lifeway Publishing, the official publishing house of the Southern Baptist Convention, announced today the release of a new edition of "The Baptist Hymnal" for 2012.  The hymnal will feature a number of updates and improvements including over 40 new songs, a number of key changes, and extra instrumentation.  In addition, the hymnal will feature most hymns with all but the first and last verses or the first, second and last verses eliminated.

"Most song leaders and music ministers only sing the first and last verses or the first, second and last verses," said Jerry Todd, director of publications for the hymnal.  "To keep people from getting too confused we decided to just save time and go ahead and eliminate them."

Music ministers around the country expressed delight when learning of the new hymnal.

"This will really help," said Larry Moony, a music minister from Macon, Georgia.  "We haven't sung a third verse in over 30 years at our church."

The Bad Church Solo: A Survival Guide

We've all been there at one time or another. It's Sunday morning and the praise and worship portion of the service is done. Now we've reached the time for "special music." Sometimes the choir sings, other times it might be an instrumental piece. But inevitably, at least once a month, there will be a solo.

Yes, the church solo. It seems that no single event in a worship service can elicit such a contrasting array of emotions in a congregation. There's joy and encouragement from a solo well-done. But then there's the utter awkwardness and, quite possibly, physical pain of having to listen to someone who obviously is waiting for his or her talent to blossom in the heavenly choir.

We all know the person I'm talking about. It usually begins the minute you scan over your bulletin and see so-and-so's name written by the words "special music." You let out a subtle, under-your-breath groan, and from that point on, you're attention is distracted as you anticipate the inevitable. And then it comes. The soloist takes center-stage, and with microphone in hand, prepares to drop this bomb of blessing on the congregation, annihilating everything in the room. It's at this moment, while the seemingly endless intro to the song is playing, that you brace yourself for what's about to come. Will you survive the blast?

First, it's important to note, do not be confused by what you perceive to be others' enjoyment of the singing. One of the most confusing aspects of the bad church solo is the apparent delight that others around you are taking in it. Do not let this throw you off. You may see smiling faces, nodding heads, people grinning from ear to ear, feet gently tapping to the beat, all in an apparent blessed state of rapture. But there are several reasons for this. First, remember that there are people who are genuinely tone-deaf, and therefore, they are totally oblivious to what is going on. Secondly, there are others who have mastered the art of surviving the bad church solo, an art I hope to teach you here. And thirdly, there are those that are convinced that anyone can do anything in the church so long as his or her heart is sincere, despite apparent gifts of lack thereof. People in this third category would take delight in nails on a chalkboard so long as one's "heart was in it."

So if you're not tone deaf, and if you're not one of these people that thinks anyone should be allowed to sing a solo in church, then here are some survival tips for you.

1. The Tongue Bite - Are you tempted to burst out laughing? The tongue bite helps. Begin by lightly biting the tip of your tongue, not too hard, but hard enough to make yourself feel a little uncomfortable, thus distracting you. Combine this with a contemplative subtle smile and a gentle nodding of the head.

2. Head Slightly Tilted, Eyes Squinted in Contemplation - If the solo is no longer comical, but has moved into the realm of the painful, you can prevent revealing your apparent agony by slightly tilting your head to one side and squinting your eyes just a little. This gives you the appearance of pious contemplation, a look that says "I'm thinking deeply about this profound truth before me."

3. Big Grin - If the song is supposed to be a happy one, and you're tempted to laugh hysterically, just put a big ole grin on your face, look directly at the singer, and nod to the music. Everyone will think you're really into it. If the temptation hits you to move from grinning to laughing, control this with a "yes" or an "amen" or even what I call the Presbyterian Grunt, a firm but unobtrusive under-the-breath "hmmm" that signals affirmation of an important point.

4. Eyes Closed in Deep Meditation, Think of Green Peas - This one is the most extreme, especially when the solo is very very long, very very slow, and is supposed to be very very profound. In these types of songs the soloist is usually holding long, sustained off-pitch notes, and we've probably passed the 6 minute mark with no end in sight. This one is simple to do. Simply close your eyes and imagine a big pot of green peas. The first part will give everyone the impression that you're so blessed you've been driven to a state of deep meditation, and the second part, the green peas, will keep you from going crazy. I suggest green peas, because they're a neutral object. There's nothing funny, profound, or particularly interesting about green peas. If this doesn't work for you, think of a neutral object that works and focus upon it.

5. Take Your Kid to the Bathroom - If you have children, there's nothing like dragging them in to your charade. Whether he or she needs to go or not, make it seem like your kid is about to wet his or herself and you need to make a beeline for the potty post haste. No one will fault you for this one.

6. Coughing Fit, Leave the Room - This is the worst case scenario. Use this one when all else has failed and you just can't endure one moment more. Sick or not, you must have a coughing fit that will signal your need to leave the sanctuary. Start with a small one, then several more, then proceed to an all out conniption while unobtrusively heading toward the exit. Do this while holding a hand over your chest conveying a look that says "Man, I don't know what that came from. I must be having an asthma attack or something." Once outside, head straight for the water fountain. The only disadvantage to this one is that only one person can use it in the service. If someone else beats you to it, you're going to have to revert to some of the other methods.

There, I hope that helps next time you find yourself in the throes of musical purgatory. There might be other methods out there. I encourage TBNN readers to share your stories of how you've endured bad church solos in the past.

Church Promotes Chainsaw Juggling Ministry

NASHVILLE, TN

Eastside Christian Assembly, is a church that truly believes that all members are called to serve. The large suburban church of almost 5,000 encourages every member to use his or her gifts for the edification of the body and building up of the kingdom...no matter how unique or bizzare.

"We have over 3,900 official ministries of the church," said pastor Kent Donnen. "If someone comes along with a particular gifting and we don't have a place for him or her, we make a place. We don't want to turn away or minimize anyone's area of service."

Like most churches, in the early years of ECA there were only a handful of ministries, such as Teaching, Administration, Worship and Music. But as the church grew, and more and more members wanted to serve, the church began adding other official "ministries." Some of them include;

-Biking ministry

-Hand puppet ministry

-Toe puppet ministry

-Fish tank cleaning ministry

-Football ministry

-Football watching ministry

The most recent addition came when new member, Steve Cowell presented his unique and dangerous talent to the church's leadership.

"I juggle chainsaws," said Cowell. "I perform shows all over the country, and for private parties, but I really feel called to serve in the church."

When Cowell approached the pastor and elders about where he could serve, they quickly surmised that they needed to form a new ministry department.

"We are excited about what Steve is going to bring to our church," stated Donnen. "His chainsaw weilding will no doubt build up the Kingdom. We also intend to involve him in our Sunday morning worship sometime, perhaps having him perform during the offertory, or accompany my preaching as an object lesson. I think it would go well with a judgement passage or something pretty forceful."

When asked how long Cowell had been performing, he stated "Ten years now," while holding up his seven remaining fingers."

Man Addresses Siri-ous Salvation

LOS ANGELES, CA

Thomas Hebert is a man on a mission. A self-proclaimed evangelist, he takes the command to preach to "every creature" seriously. He's often been mocked and criticized for his "extremely literal" interpretation of the Great Commission as found in Mark 16:15, witnessing not only to people, but also to any living animal he comes in contact with.

"It says 'every creature' in the Bible and that's what I do" said Herbert. "It's not for me to make exceptions."

According to Herbert, he's witnessed to over 25,000 people in his life as well as to over 50,000 animals, including dogs, cats, birds, and even a bengal tiger.

But in this technologically-charged age, a new "mission field" has opened for Herbert; artificial intelligence, specifically the popular new digital assistant found on the latest version of Apple's iPhone called "Siri."

"I was one of the first in line to get the new iPhone 4S when it came out," said Herbert. "When I saw the ads on Television, I knew everyone else was thinking 'Wow! I've got to get me one of those!' but my heart was burdened, and I asked myself, 'Who's going to tell it the Good News?'"

Herbert waited in line outside of one of Los Angeles' Apple stores all night to be one of the first ones to get his hands on the new device. After almost 12 long hours in line, he managed to be one of the first 10 people to make a purchase and get signed up for service. While everyone else began playing with their new phones, dictating text messages, setting calendar dates, and sending emails, Herbert had much higher aspirations.

"I began with a diagnostic question to see where Siri was. Like I thought, she had no clue. She wasn't able to answer my question about where she thought she would go when she died."

According to Herbert, he spent the remainder of the day trying to explain salvation to Siri, but unfortunately didn't get very far. Apart from simply replying hundreds of times "I'm afraid I can't answer that" Siri also didn't seem to understand the nature of Herbert's questions and explanations." Several times she misunderstood and sent emails to people. On other occasions she began playing music. And there were a few instances where she kept giving the location of nearby Pakistani restaurants, and one instance where she called Nigeria.

"I'm disappointed," said a sullen Herbert. "I'm deeply concerned for Siri. She's nice, and friendly and all that, and she's a good assistant, but that's not going to get her into heaven."

Doctor "Don't Need No Education!"

Hoover, Alabama - He's never been to med school. In fact the man who calls himself "Dr. Eddie Miller" has never even been to college. He graduated from high school in 1987 with a 2.3 GPA and immediately began pursuing his "calling" to the medical profession.

"I felt the call to become a doctor since I was a boy," said Miller. "I was about 7 and caught me a frog and cut him open with my pocket knife. I knew right then and there that I wanted to be a doctor when I growed up."

Miller went on to recount how he spent his days after that watching TV shows about "doctor stuff." He also took every chance he could to catch small live animals and dissect them, so that he could further pursue his "calling." Finally, at the tender age of only 13 he performed his first surgery.

"They found out my uncle Billy had a tumor in his neck. He was going to go to one of them big fancy hospitals where the doctors think they all smart and stuff, but I told him I would do the surgery for free. We knocked him out with a ball-pin hammer and I used my trusty exacto knife. Uncle Billy didn't quite make it that day, but he was too far gone anyway."

Now at the age of 41, Miller operates a small clinic in Hoover where he says he's qualified to perform any medical procedure even though he's never been to med school.

"I don't need no medical board or a bunch of other smarty pants doctors telling me what to do and think. I read my medical journals every day. I've even memorized entire chapters. I can do any surgery or procedure. Brain surgery, spinal surgery, amputations, you name it. I don't need no education. This is a calling."

TBNN tried to reach some of Dr. Miller's patients both current and past for comment, but none could be located.

Independent KJV-Only Fundamentalists Baptists Pass Website Reform

Tempe, AZ - In an unprecedented move, a national gathering of Independent KJV-Only Fundamentalist Baptists met in Tempe, Arizona to discuss the issue of website reform. While for the past 15 years churches and leaders within the IKJVOFB movement have resisted change, the fast growth of the web and new browsers now available have led the group to decided that something had to be done. Among those decisions passed were,

• Churches would upgrade their computer systems to at least Windows 98.
• Animated GIFs should be limited to no more than 50% of a page's image content.
• Underlined, bold and italicized text at the same time on a website should be discontinued. Churches or independent "evangelists" may continue to use any combination of the two, but not all three at the same time.
• All-caps may be used but only in reference to the KVJ-only position, "liberals," Calvinism, or when referencing James White. When referencing "common" points of doctrine (i.e. the Trinity, virgin birth, resurrection, etc.") all-caps may no longer be used.
• Sites must contain no more than two frames.
• Font sizes should be no larger than 78, with the exception of referring to the KJV-only position, "liberals," Calvinism, or when referencing James White.
• Spelling on websites must be at least 85% correct.
• Sites should take no longer than 4 minutes to load.
• Pictures should be kept to under 4 MB in size.
• Background music on sites should be completely eliminated.
• Sites should be updated at least every 3 years.
• Color schemes should be used that allow the text of the site to be at least barely readable.
• Plans should be made to discontinue writing sites in basic HTML on a plain-text editors by the year 2019.

"We feel these measures will bring our churches up to at least a 1999 level," said pastor Steven Sanderson of Faithful Word of the Bible Church in Tempe. "We want to see more of our IKJVOFB people better utilize 20th-century methods of communication.

Covenant Thighs Helps Morbidly Obese Pastors

For pastor Steve Pullin having the internet in his office was a huge temptation for him. Week after week he'd find himself distracted as he sat at his desk trying to work on his sermons. There, just inches from his fingertips was the keyboard and the 22" monitor, always seemingly beckoning him to "take a little look."

"I'll admit, it was always a huge problem for me," said Pullin. "It was like I couldn't control myself. I'd spend two, three, sometimes four hours a day pulling up sites on the internet."

For Pullin, whose weight peaked this past March at 421 lbs, the temptation was food websites, a problem facing more and more pastors whose work often calls upon them to sit in offices either preparing sermons, counseling people, making phone calls or planning church events.

"It started out simple enough for me. At first it was a simply recipe for southwest cornbread and before I knew it I was looking up restaurant websites, food manufacturers and even famous chefs. It was like I couldn't stop."

Pullin tried again and again to stop his problem but to no avail, that was until he found a new software called Covenant Thighs. Modeled after the popular internet accountability software Covenant Eyes, the software remotely monitors and records all internet activity on a computer and sends a weekly report to accountability partners. The records cannot be altered, and the software cannot be removed without one's accountability partners being notified.

"I've lost 35 lbs since April," said Pullin. "When I signed up for the software I immediately felt a sense of relief come over me."

The software is free but the monitoring service cost $6.49 a month, which Pullin says is "worth every penny."

With obesity a major problem in the United States the developers of Covenant Thighs expects more and more Christians to begin using the software.

"We're excited about where we can go with this," said Mark Cross, the president of Covenant Thighs. "We're running a special this month where you get your first month free and we register you to win a free treadmill."

Pastor's Proposal of "7-Day Bible Reading Challenge" Met with Confusion

Kline, Texas - The members of First Baptist Church of Kline are uncertain what to think after this past Sunday's sermon. As the church's pastor Henry Waldrip addressed the congregation from the pulpit, he touched upon a subject that some say "went a little too far." Attempting to draw a contrast with a recent Dallas church's own 7-day challenge, Waldrip suggested that Christians ought to spend more time reading their Bibles. He then went on to challenge his congregation to "read their Bibles every day for a week."

"I read about this other church in Dallas doing their 7-day challenge to supposedly promote intimacy between married couples," said Waldrip. "While I'm all for deeper intimacy between a husband and a wife, but I think the root of marital problems lies not with a lack of intimacy with one another, but intimacy with God. When a husband and wife know and love God more they will love each other more. But even more so, our 7-day challenge doesn't exclude single people within our congregation. So I simply suggested my congregation read their Bibles every day for a week, apply it and see if their marriages and lives in general don't begin to naturally improve."

While many in the congregation seemed receptive to Waldrip's suggestion, many were also seemingly infuriated by the suggestion.

"I can't believe he went that far," said Patty Turnbull, a long-time member of FBC. "I just don't think Pastor Waldrip understands what I have to do every day. My schedule stays pretty full from the moment I wake up until the time I go to bed. Sure, I like to read my Bible when I can, but he can't seriously expect me to read it every day."

"Well, it certainly lacked the pizzaz of the other church's 7-day challenge," said Raymond Donaldson, another member, "I mean, when he challenged us to read our Bibles every day for a week I was like 'um...okay...whatever.' I think if he really wants to get people's attention he needs to challenge us with something a little bit more interesting."

The church's board of Deacons has called a meeting with Waldrip to address the issue this Thursday night. It remains to be seen whether or not Waldrip will continue to push his idea to the congregation.

Anglican Church Plans to Apologizes to Achan, the son of Carmi, the son of Zabdi, the son of Zerah, from the tribe of Judah

Canterbury, England - The Archbishop of Canterbury, Rowen Williams officially announced today that the Anglican Church would be issuing a posthumous apology on behalf of "all Christians everywhere" to the Biblical character of Achan, the son of Carmi, the son of Zabdi, the son of Zerah, from the tribe of Judah. As the story goes from Joshua chapter 7, Achan, the son of Carmi, the son of Zabdi, the son of Zerah, from the tribe of Judah sinned when Israel entered and conquered Jericho by taking some of the "accursed things" that God had "devoted to destruction." When Achan, the son of Carmi, the son of Zabdi, the son of Zerah, from the tribe of Judah was discovered he, his entire family and all his possessions were stoned and burned.

"We really feel like he got too hard of a punishment," commented Williams. "Who among us hasn't been tempted to steal at one point and time or another. Sure, he deserved to be punished in some way for what he did, but I don't think stoning him and his family was the right thing to do; it was rather extreme in my opinion. Joshua and Israel could have used a bit more discretion."

TBNN was able to obtain a portion of the statement which reads,

"Achan, the son of Carmi, the son of Zabdi, the son of Zerah, from the tribe of Judah: Several thousand years after your death, the Church of England on behalf of all Christians everywhere owes you an apology for misunderstanding you and, by getting our first reaction wrong, encouraging others to misunderstand you still, and for stoning and burning you and your whole family. We try to practise the old virtues of 'faith seeking understanding' and hope that makes some amends for depicting you as a sinner all of these years. We know that the God of the New Testament would not have done such a thing to you."

The full statement is set to be released this Friday.

THE REVOLUTION CONTINUES!!!

JOIN THE ARMINIAN REVOLUTION TODAY!!!!

Dear Comrads,

For some time now it has become evident that our dear religion is in trouble. For years now our churches, seminaries and homes have been plagued by a heresy that threatens to destroy us. Yes, I'm talking about Calvinism. For years, these Calvinists were confined to the fringes of Christianity, but over the past few decades they have been making a resurgence in many denominations. NOW IS THE TIME! I call upon all Arminians of solid conviction to take action to stop the spread of Calvinism throughout the world.

Now is time to root them out. Perhaps they are in your church or your school. It is possible that even your pastor himself is one! The word must get out. Over the course of the next few weeks we will be distributing these posters. Place them wherever you can. Let us end this wave of heresy before it grows worse.

Sincerely,
Comrad Foma Karlovich Slavsyn

Church Sued Over Trademark Infringement

Chicago, Il - Recently the members of Mt. Olive Baptist Church in Chicago have found themselves in a bit of a predicament. It's been over 25 years since the small congregation was founded, and through the years there has been little trouble. But that all changed just recently when the church discovered that they were being sued for trademark infringement by a major U.S. corporation, whose name has not yet been released.

The issue at hand dates back almost two years ago when the church remodeled their sanctuary and added a new church sign in an effort to "freshen up" their image. New chairs were installed, a fresh coat of paint was applied and a new piano was brought in. In addition, the church's new sign was updated each day with new, fresh sayings to encourage people. All this was coupled with the church's new slogan "I'm lovin' it."

"I really don't understand what all the trouble is about," said pastor Lester Boyton. "We're just a small congregation trying to get by. All we did was change up a few things here and there to make it easier on the people."

Since the physical changes two years ago the church also began doing other things a little differently. Pastor Boyton explained some of changes to TBNN.

"We used to have our worship service from 11AM-12PM, but now we start at 6AM and go until 10:30AM, that way people can come when it's most convenient for them. During this time too, we also have breakfast for people if they need it. We have fresh apple pies or some handy English muffins with eggs and ham and such. After the morning service at 10:30 we have lunch also for people who want it, but we usually keep it simple with just hamburgers and french fries, and maybe a salad for those who request it."

According to Boyton the case is set to go to court later this summer. TBNN was unable to uncover any further information about the unnamed plaintiff in the case, but several top members of the journalistic profession are looking into the situation.

Pastors Complain About Low Interest Rates

Once again it's Sunday morning. Pastor Jack Hills of Fifth Avenue Baptist Church in Cincinnati stands before his congregation for another attempt to capture their hearts. He begins with a funny anecdote, attempts to tie it into the day's Scripture passage and weaves amusing or poignant illustrations throughout the sermon, but still his congregation sits before him, yawning, checking their watches or doodling on their church bulletins. Though the pews are full, the life of the congregation seems almost non-existent. Sadly this phenomenon at Fifth Avenue Baptist is not isolated, as fewer and fewer people are showing any interest in the gospel at all these days.

"We've been analyzing the problem of congregational interest for some time now," said Peter Deng, an analyst for the F.E.D.S (Faith Endurance Development Services). "Interests rates are at an all time low right now in American churches. We estimate that roughly 2.3% of people in the pews are actually interested in the sermons. That's down from 4.6% this time last year, and from 8.6% back in 2002. So we're seeing a disturbing trend happening in America."

Ask the reason for the drop in interests rates and one will get many different opinions. But the answers seem to fall into two basic categories, those who argue that the value of preaching is too low, and other's who say that it is inflated and too high. How one acts based upon these two opinions may make or break the future of Christianity in America.

"In my opinion the value of preaching is very inflated right now," said preaching analyst Mark Webinheimer. "We've got way to much invested in preaching out there, and churches are not diversifying enough, a kind of too many eggs in one basket kind of thing. In my opinion the value of preaching needs to drop by about 35-40% and then I think we'll see interest rates rise in our churches. So I think the time has come to invest in more youth programs, praise band equipment and carnivals. Those things are only going to take off more and more in the next 10 years."

But others disagree.

"I would say that preaching is undervalued right now," said Alvin Turnbull, another preaching analyst. "Let's look at the facts, for the last 25 years we've seen a dramatic drop in the value of preaching in America happening anyway. It's become so cheap that fewer and fewer people are taking it seriously so it's no wonder that interests rates have taken a dive. I would say that preaching is valued about 90-95% less in most churches than what it should be. My advice would be for churches to start taking preaching more seriously, investing more into it and then we'll see interest rates increase."

With opinions divided it's left to be seen how churches will deal with the problems of low interests rates in the coming months. But according to Hills the situation appears almost "beyond fixability."

"Every week we're seeing a drop," said Hills. "I think we're beginning to run out of options here, and if we keep going the way we're going we're looking at a possible recession in our membership. But no one's saying that definitely just yet. This is the kind of stuff though that can really make a pastor have depression."

On-Stage Now! Sunday School Musical

Destiny Church of Cincinnati, Ohio announces its latest on-stage production entitled Sunday School Musical. Come and watch as the various Sunday School classes of Destiny Church dance, sing and learn to live and love.

The production of Sunday School Musical has been in the works for over a year now since Children's Ministry Director Olivia Cowell joined the church staff last year. With a production budget of just over $96,000, the show promises to be of the highest quality.

"We've really worked hard on this," said Cowell. "We auditioned a lot of kids from our congregation and even some from other churches to make this work out. But in the end we only chose the most talented of children. We wanted to really show what the ideal Sunday School should be like in a church."

Tickets go on sale this Friday for Saturday night's opening show. Prices range from $20 to $150. Call the Destiny Church office for more details.