The Bad Church Solo: A Survival Guide

We've all been there at one time or another. It's Sunday morning and the praise and worship portion of the service is done. Now we've reached the time for "special music." Sometimes the choir sings, other times it might be an instrumental piece. But inevitably, at least once a month, there will be a solo.

Yes, the church solo. It seems that no single event in a worship service can elicit such a contrasting array of emotions in a congregation. There's joy and encouragement from a solo well-done. But then there's the utter awkwardness and, quite possibly, physical pain of having to listen to someone who obviously is waiting for his or her talent to blossom in the heavenly choir.

We all know the person I'm talking about. It usually begins the minute you scan over your bulletin and see so-and-so's name written by the words "special music." You let out a subtle, under-your-breath groan, and from that point on, you're attention is distracted as you anticipate the inevitable. And then it comes. The soloist takes center-stage, and with microphone in hand, prepares to drop this bomb of blessing on the congregation, annihilating everything in the room. It's at this moment, while the seemingly endless intro to the song is playing, that you brace yourself for what's about to come. Will you survive the blast?

First, it's important to note, do not be confused by what you perceive to be others' enjoyment of the singing. One of the most confusing aspects of the bad church solo is the apparent delight that others around you are taking in it. Do not let this throw you off. You may see smiling faces, nodding heads, people grinning from ear to ear, feet gently tapping to the beat, all in an apparent blessed state of rapture. But there are several reasons for this. First, remember that there are people who are genuinely tone-deaf, and therefore, they are totally oblivious to what is going on. Secondly, there are others who have mastered the art of surviving the bad church solo, an art I hope to teach you here. And thirdly, there are those that are convinced that anyone can do anything in the church so long as his or her heart is sincere, despite apparent gifts of lack thereof. People in this third category would take delight in nails on a chalkboard so long as one's "heart was in it."

So if you're not tone deaf, and if you're not one of these people that thinks anyone should be allowed to sing a solo in church, then here are some survival tips for you.

1. The Tongue Bite - Are you tempted to burst out laughing? The tongue bite helps. Begin by lightly biting the tip of your tongue, not too hard, but hard enough to make yourself feel a little uncomfortable, thus distracting you. Combine this with a contemplative subtle smile and a gentle nodding of the head.

2. Head Slightly Tilted, Eyes Squinted in Contemplation - If the solo is no longer comical, but has moved into the realm of the painful, you can prevent revealing your apparent agony by slightly tilting your head to one side and squinting your eyes just a little. This gives you the appearance of pious contemplation, a look that says "I'm thinking deeply about this profound truth before me."

3. Big Grin - If the song is supposed to be a happy one, and you're tempted to laugh hysterically, just put a big ole grin on your face, look directly at the singer, and nod to the music. Everyone will think you're really into it. If the temptation hits you to move from grinning to laughing, control this with a "yes" or an "amen" or even what I call the Presbyterian Grunt, a firm but unobtrusive under-the-breath "hmmm" that signals affirmation of an important point.

4. Eyes Closed in Deep Meditation, Think of Green Peas - This one is the most extreme, especially when the solo is very very long, very very slow, and is supposed to be very very profound. In these types of songs the soloist is usually holding long, sustained off-pitch notes, and we've probably passed the 6 minute mark with no end in sight. This one is simple to do. Simply close your eyes and imagine a big pot of green peas. The first part will give everyone the impression that you're so blessed you've been driven to a state of deep meditation, and the second part, the green peas, will keep you from going crazy. I suggest green peas, because they're a neutral object. There's nothing funny, profound, or particularly interesting about green peas. If this doesn't work for you, think of a neutral object that works and focus upon it.

5. Take Your Kid to the Bathroom - If you have children, there's nothing like dragging them in to your charade. Whether he or she needs to go or not, make it seem like your kid is about to wet his or herself and you need to make a beeline for the potty post haste. No one will fault you for this one.

6. Coughing Fit, Leave the Room - This is the worst case scenario. Use this one when all else has failed and you just can't endure one moment more. Sick or not, you must have a coughing fit that will signal your need to leave the sanctuary. Start with a small one, then several more, then proceed to an all out conniption while unobtrusively heading toward the exit. Do this while holding a hand over your chest conveying a look that says "Man, I don't know what that came from. I must be having an asthma attack or something." Once outside, head straight for the water fountain. The only disadvantage to this one is that only one person can use it in the service. If someone else beats you to it, you're going to have to revert to some of the other methods.

There, I hope that helps next time you find yourself in the throes of musical purgatory. There might be other methods out there. I encourage TBNN readers to share your stories of how you've endured bad church solos in the past.

Church Promotes Chainsaw Juggling Ministry

NASHVILLE, TN

Eastside Christian Assembly, is a church that truly believes that all members are called to serve. The large suburban church of almost 5,000 encourages every member to use his or her gifts for the edification of the body and building up of the kingdom...no matter how unique or bizzare.

"We have over 3,900 official ministries of the church," said pastor Kent Donnen. "If someone comes along with a particular gifting and we don't have a place for him or her, we make a place. We don't want to turn away or minimize anyone's area of service."

Like most churches, in the early years of ECA there were only a handful of ministries, such as Teaching, Administration, Worship and Music. But as the church grew, and more and more members wanted to serve, the church began adding other official "ministries." Some of them include;

-Biking ministry

-Hand puppet ministry

-Toe puppet ministry

-Fish tank cleaning ministry

-Football ministry

-Football watching ministry

The most recent addition came when new member, Steve Cowell presented his unique and dangerous talent to the church's leadership.

"I juggle chainsaws," said Cowell. "I perform shows all over the country, and for private parties, but I really feel called to serve in the church."

When Cowell approached the pastor and elders about where he could serve, they quickly surmised that they needed to form a new ministry department.

"We are excited about what Steve is going to bring to our church," stated Donnen. "His chainsaw weilding will no doubt build up the Kingdom. We also intend to involve him in our Sunday morning worship sometime, perhaps having him perform during the offertory, or accompany my preaching as an object lesson. I think it would go well with a judgement passage or something pretty forceful."

When asked how long Cowell had been performing, he stated "Ten years now," while holding up his seven remaining fingers."

"Prayer" Dropped from Men's Prayer Breakfast

Memphis, Tn - It is the highlight of the week for many of the men at Riverwood Bible Church in Memphis. Every Friday morning for the past 10 years at 6AM men from the congregation and friends from the community have gathered together in Riverwood's fellowship hall for the weekly Men's Prayer Breakfast. Behind the stove is 70-year-old Henry "Biscuit" Patterson, who prepares a breakfast feast for the men each week.

"I don't do no shoddy breakfast," said Patterson. "We've got eggs, biscuits, bacon, ham, french toast, sausage and of course grits. If there's one thing I don't want anyone saying is that they left hungry."

When the breakfast first began it was meant to be a time of fellowship and prayer with the breakfast time set to go from 6:00-6:30 and the prayer time from 6:30-7:00. But over the years as Patterson's menu expanded attendance increased and the breakfast time started running longer and longer.

"Over the past few months we've been starting the prayer time around 6:50 or thereabouts," said long-time prayer breakfast attendee Pat Horton. "I can't remember the last time we started it before 6:45."

Realizing that something needed to change the deacons of Riverwood met recently to decide what needed to happen concerning the breakfast. During the meeting several proposals were made including changing the schedule back to its original time of thirty minutes for breakfast and thirty minutes for prayer. But a number of deacons objected stating that such a move would be impractical as people were now "used to" the current schedule. The idea was also presented to simply lengthen the overall duration of the fellowship and have prayer from 7:00-7:30, but that idea was rejected as "people have to get to work." In the end the deacons decided that the best course of action was to simply drop the "prayer" part of the fellowship altogether and simply call it a Men's Breakfast.

"Sometimes you've just got to deal with what is rather than what should be" said deacon Prentiss Hall. "So from now it will just be a time of Christian fellowship without having to force a bunch of prayer on people."

Since removing the "prayer" element of the breakfast the church has reported that attendance at the "Men's Breakfast" has skyrocketed.

Study Shows Average Age of Presbyterians Down to 83

Louisville, Ky - A recent study by the Barna Research Group published this past Friday was good news for the Presbyterian Church, USA. The denomination, which has found itself shrinking over the past decade, has also struggled to attract younger members. But the results of the Barna study revealed that the average age of members in the church is down from 91, in 1997 to 83 in 2006, showing that the church is almost 9% younger than they were ten years ago.

"This is tremendously encouraging news" stated Joan S. Gray, moderator of the 217 General Assembly of the PCUSA. "Our denomination has been striving for change over the past decade, opening new doors, welcoming in new people and promoting tolerance. We value and cherish our elderly, but at the same time the children are the future of our denomination, and new vibrant life is necessary if we are to continue to grow and develop."

But some state that the celebration might be premature. Further investigation into the statistics seems to reveal that the decrease may not be due to a substantial increase in younger members, but a decrease in older members.

"While it looks like progress on paper, what we have here is simply a reduction in the number of older members thus lowering our overall average" stated Rev. Jeff Coolidge, pastor of Trinity Presbyterian Church in Louisville. "If one examines the statistics, one will find that the reason that our average dropped is because almost 92% of members over the age of 85 have died in the past ten years."

A further examination of the statistics have also led some to believe that the decline in the number of older members may be theological.

"With the spiritual and theological decline of our denomination it's no wonder that so many of our older more traditional and conservative members have left" said Jack Miller of the PCUSA's Layman, a conservative voice within the denomination. "So many have just gotten fed up with the liberalism and left."

Still, many are hailing the new statistics as "progress" in the church.

"This is irrefutable evidence that we're headed in the right direction" said Gray. "We hope that by 2015 to bring that number down even further maybe even to 78 or 79."