22 February, 2010

Independent KJV-Only Fundamentalists Baptists Pass Website Reform

Tempe, AZ - In an unprecedented move, a national gathering of Independent KJV-Only Fundamentalist Baptists met in Tempe, Arizona to discuss the issue of website reform. While for the past 15 years churches and leaders within the IKJVOFB movement have resisted change, the fast growth of the web and new browsers now available have led the group to decided that something had to be done. Among those decisions passed were,
  • Churches would upgrade their computer systems to at least Windows 98.
  • Animated GIFs should be limited to no more than 50% of a page's image content.
  • Underlined, bold and italicized text at the same time on a website should be discontinued. Churches or independent "evangelists" may continue to use any combination of the two, but not all three at the same time.
  • All-caps may be used but only in reference to the KVJ-only position, "liberals," Calvinism, or when referencing James White. When referencing "common" points of doctrine (i.e. the Trinity, virgin birth, resurrection, etc.") all-caps may no longer be used.
  • Sites must contain no more than two frames.
  • Font sizes should be no larger than 78, with the exception of referring to the KJV-only position, "liberals," Calvinism, or when referencing James White.
  • Spelling on websites must be at least 85% correct.
  • Sites should take no longer than 4 minutes to load.
  • Pictures should be kept to under 4 MB in size.
  • Background music on sites should be completely eliminated.
  • Sites should be updated at least every 3 years.
  • Color schemes should be used that allow the text of the site to be at least barely readable.
  • Plans should be made to discontinue writing sites in basic HTML on a plain-text editors by the year 2019.
"We feel these measures will bring our churches up to at least a 1999 level," said pastor Steven Sanderson of Faithful Word of the Bible Church in Tempe. "We want to see more of our IKJVOFB people better utilize 20th-century methods of communication.

01 February, 2010

New Album: Weepy Whiney Songs for Today's Typical Christian Male

From the best of Christian Radio comes an album just for you males in the church out there. It's the best weepy, whiney overly emotional spineless songs to encourage you as you battle through your hard and tedious life day after day. Titles include,

-My Parents are Making me Move Out
-Why Do I Need a Job?
-Responsibility is Not My Spiritual Gift
-My X Box Broke, Help me Through This Storm
-Help Me Through This Trial of the Cable Being Out
-Why Do Girls Want a Man With a Job?
-I Spilled My No-Fat Mocha Latte on My Lemon Yellow Vest
-Mark Driscoll Yelled at Me and Now I Want to Cry

...and many more great titles to lift you up when darkness clouds your spineless, aimless existence.