28 November, 2007

Pat Robertson Endorses Satan's Candidacy for Republican Nomination

New York, New York - In a recent development that is shocking millions of Americans, presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani announced on Tuesday evening that he was abandoning his bid for President.

"I'm dropping out of this race for personal reasons I do not wish to discuss" said Giuliani to a crowd of stunned supporters at a fund raising dinner Tuesday night in New York. "I wish I could say more now, and perhaps in the near future I will be able to explain my reasons, but I simply cannot go into further detail at this time."

After the speech Giuliani left the stage, and left many of his supporters struggling to find answers. One supporter in particular was left with a particular dilemma. The Reverend Pat Robertson had only several weeks ago, amid much controversy, voiced his support for Giuliani's campaign. But before the night was out a new runner in the presidential race emerged that quickly won the support of Robertson. The candidate? None other than the Devil himself.

The crowd remained at the fund raiser and continued with the evening's dinner, but before the night was out The Prince of the Power of the Air appeared on stage to announce his candidacy for President.

"I'm sad that we lost Rudy" said The Father of Lies, appearing as an angel of light. "But I feel this nation is at a critical point in history. Our boarders are not secure, and terrorism affects us from every side. I ought to know, because hey, I'm working in the hearts of the terrorists! So it is with great joy that I announce my bid for the office of the President of the United States."

After the speech some cheered, some fled screaming from the building, and some passed out, but all were surprised when Robertson, who had showed up at the event to support Guiliani, took the stand to voice his support for The Old Serpent.

"We have been on an emotional roller coaster this evening" said Robertson. "We all watched and listened with shock as Rudy dropped out of the campaign, but here at the end of the evening a glimmer of hope has appeared. I know that many might question my support of Beelzebub for president on the Republican ticket, but as he said we are indeed at a critical point in our nation's history. Issues such as terrorism and securing our boarders are more pressing right now than anything, and who better to take care of the problem than the guy who's causing it all? So this year, my vote goes for Lucifer. After all, he's the best chance the Republicans have for a victory."

Many applauded after Robertson's speech, but a number of Republicans are now expressing concerns over The Evil One's run for President.

"I'm not sure this is such a good idea" said former Guiliani supporter Robert Lendle. "I just don't think I can support such a candidate."

But other's were heartily ready to support The Deceiver.

"Look he's running on the Republican ticket, and he's the best chance we have for a winner" said supporter Ingrid Philman. "Yes, I'm a Christian, but the most important thing is for the Republicans to win, no matter who's running in the top spot. Yes, I suppose I could vote for one of the more conservative candidates who actually believed and supported agendas more in line with Christian beliefs, but I would only be throwing away my vote."

Satan plans to hit the campaign trail this week with stops scheduled in Iowa and Florida.

26 November, 2007

"Preacher Hero" Hits Stores Just in Time for the Holidays

Tokyo, Japan - Given the high degree of success of Sony's Guitar Hero for their Play Station game systems, the company announced the release of a new similar game just in time for the holiday rush. In the new game entitled Preacher Hero players get the chance to "out preach" some of the most famous preachers in the world today.

"Given the infatuation with television preachers, we feel this game will be very popular" said Sony CEO Sir Howard Stringer. "Now kids can test their preaching skills against some of the most famous television preachers in the world today."

The game can be played in one of two ways. The game comes with a special microphone which the player plugs into the console. Texts from sermons move across the screen while the player screams into the microphone. The player can also play with the controller and attempt to animate his or her favorite preacher as he or she preaches. Players also get extra points for performing a healing or for speaking in tongues.

The game will include some of today's most famous preachers including,

  • Bishop T.D. Jakes
  • Joel Osteen
  • Benny Hinn
  • Kenneth and Gloria Copeland
  • Dr. Joyce Myers
  • Robert Schuller
  • Jan and Paul Crouch
  • Creflo Dollar
  • And Randy and Paula White
The game hits the shelves at stores this Wednesday with a price tag of $69.95.

19 November, 2007

Sermon Writers Guild Goes on Strike: Churchgoers Face Sermon Repeats

New York, New York - Pastors across the country suddenly found themselves in a bit of a predicament this past weekend as Sunday morning quickly approached. The trouble began Saturday afternoon when word began spreading that the Sermon Writers Guild was going on strike on the grounds that they were not being paid enough for their work.

The Sermon Writers Guild has, for the most part, been a secret to the church-going public. Founded in 1977, the organization started out as a small group of theologians and laypersons who were "gifted and creative in the art of preaching" but lacked the charisma necessary to pastor and lead a congregation. When the group was formed they began offering sermon writing services for "witty pastors who lacked scholarly abilities" and who were "less than studious" for a fee of only $20 per sermon. Over the years the guild expanded to over 1500 "ghost preachers" who have written sermons for some of the most famous pastors in the country.

While the price of the sermon service has risen over the past thirty years to $75, many members of the guild have felt an increasing frustration towards many of the pastors for whom they write sermons.

"We put a lot of time and effort into our work to produce a good sermon, custom written according to the specs of the pastors" said Allen O'Brian, a twenty-year member of the guild. "We do it all, hell-fire-and-brimstone, touchy-feely social gospel, health-wealth-and-prosperity, ultra-liberal to ultra-conservative, and we're still only getting paid $75 per message. When we try to raise the price all we get is complaints. Some of these pastors are making more than CEOs of major companies. I know they can afford to pay us more."

For obvious reasons, few pastors were willing to talk with TBNN about the current strike. But one pastor, who asked only to be identified as "Pastor O," was willing to be questioned.

"I've been using the Sermon Writers Guild since I started out preaching," said Pastor O. "My daddy used them before I did. I don't really think it's wrong because I do actually tell the writers the themes and the ideas that I want in the sermons, and hey, presidents do this kind of thing too. But now with the strike on it's going to be really tough for a while. I haven't actually written a sermon in...well...I suppose I've never actually written a sermon. But I've had to recycle some old ones."

And "recycle" was the decision that most pastors made this past Sunday. As it turns out, most pastors who regularly use the Sermon Writers Guild normally put in their requests Saturday evening. When word of the strike came Saturday afternoon most found themselves within 15 hours of Sunday morning services with nothing to preach.

"I pulled out an old one from about 5 years ago," said Pastor O. "I was hoping no one would notice, but we have a really large church. I'm afraid that someone has probably caught on already. Not to mention that we're on television, and no doubt someone has picked up that something isn't just right. I don't know if I can afford for this to go on too long."

But at this point in time no one knows exactly how long the strike will continue, and churchgoers may be faced with "rerun sermons" for some time to come.

"We feel like it's time to move from a per-sermon fee to a more commission based fee, especially for the larger churches" said O'Brian. "If such-and-such pastor is racking in $100 million a year for his sermons then I think %5 of that would be more than fair."

"We made it through one Sunday" said Pastor O, "but I'm already worried about next. I don't think we're going to get this resolved before then. I've looked into hiring non-union writers, but I'm just not sure of the quality I'll get. I'd take a shot at preparing my own sermon, but I'm not sure where I'd begin."

16 November, 2007

Zondervan Launches the "Whatever Bible"

Grand Rapids, Michigan - Zondervan Publishing announced on Thursday the release of their latest "Bible version" called the "Whatever Bible." The Whatever Bible is unique in that it is not really a "Bible" at all in the strictest sense. Rather, it is a leather-bound collection of 500 blank pages upon which one can write whatever he or shee believes to be true. Zondervan will custom print a title on the front of the "Bible" for no extra charge.

"We believe this will open the Bible market out there to people who wouldn't traditionally be attracted to reading the Bible" said Kurt James, the editor for the project. "Instead of trying to bind people to one belief system, we believe it is important for people to come up with their own thoughts for their faith journey."

According to Zondervan, the Whatever Bible will allow each person who buys it to essentially "write their own" Bible, putting down on paper what they think is most important. This might include passages from the Christian Bible, the Koran or quotes from Buddha. One may also choose to write their own interpretive passages.

Thus far the idea is being received with much acclaim.

"This is what we've been waiting for!" said the Rev. Jacob Edmund, pastor of the First Unitarian Universalist Church of Grand Rapids. "My partner and I who co-pastor the church have always encouraged our members to think freely. Some bring the Bible to church but are not happy with all of it. Some bring the Koran, and other's bring Henry David Thoreau. But now people can write whatever they want into the book and it becomes their personal spiritual guide."

"I've already got mine ordered" said Tara Lynn Penter, member of All Souls United Church of Christ in Grand Rapids. "I can't wait to get it. I'm going to put some Bible quotes in there, but only those happy ones, none of that 'slay the wicked' business. And of course some Koran, got to keep Muhammad happy these days you know. And I've got some quotes from Highschool Musical and Sleepless in Seattle that I know will really inspire me when I read them for years to come."

The Whatever Bible comes in brown or black leather at a cost of $49.95.

14 November, 2007

Unitarians Welcome "Naked Prophets"

Fort Worth, Texas - The Unitarian Universalist Church has come under fire in the last few decades from most mainline conservatives for what they consider to be "an unwillingness to be remotely Biblical." Recently in an effort to seem more tolerant and open to Biblical Christianity the UUC released a statement saying that they were "making efforts to appear more Scriptural in certain areas." But their latest effort, while supposedly "biblical" is still expected to upset many. The church declared on Tuesday that they would now welcome into their midst, without question, all self-proclaimed "naked prophets."

"We too believe there's a place for Scripture in spirituality" said Rev. Dorris Pinchner. "And when I read Scripture I see two places where prophets went naked."

Pincher is referring to 1 Samuel 19:24 where Saul is said to have stripped off his clothes and prophesied naked, and Isaiah 20:2 where the prophet Isaiah was told to go "naked and barefoot" for three years. While many conservative Christian theologians argue that the word "naked" in these passages probably refers to the removal of only the outer official garments that a king and a prophet would have worn, Pinchner and other's from the UUC beg to differ.

"No, if they want us to obey the Bible, then we're going to do it literally" said Pinchner. "If a naked prophet wants to join our church, then who are we to stop them. The parts of the Bible that we choose to believe, we are going to do so in a very straightforward manner."

While some in Pinchner's congregation have their doubts, most received the news with gladly.

"I hope this will silence our critics out there that are constantly accusing us of not ever being Biblical" said member Judith Zale. "And I think in some ways we'll even be more Biblical than those fundamentalists who are always criticizing us. I mean really how many Southern Baptist churches out there allow naked prophets? Why don't they follow the Bible more literally, huh? Tell me that now!"

"I'm not too sure about this" said another member, Trevor Lake. "I mean, I want to be careful here not to be too critical if this is someone's calling, but I'm not so sure I want someone coming to our church and standing up to prophesy naked. I mean, we've got children in our church for crying out loud."

Still, Pinchner and the other members of the church's leadership are eager to begin this new phase of "Biblicalness" in their church.

"We don't know what's going to happen in the weeks and months and years to come" said Pinchner. "But we are looking forward to the day when a naked prophet will finally feel led to join us. Then people will look at us and say 'Now there's a church that's really following the Bible.'"

09 November, 2007

Yahoo Accused of Giving PCC Administration Information on Calvinist Dissidents

Sunnyvale, California - The Internet "giant" Yahoo has recently come under fire by former Pensacola Christian College students who say they were "turned in" to the school's administration for maintaining an online forum which discussed and supported Reformed doctrine.

"We feel betrayed" said former student Mark Hudson.

Hudson, along with seven other students were recently asked to leave the school after the administration discovered that they were secretly maintaining the web forum. The site, called "The Calvinist Underground" was frequented by a number of "closet Calvinists" at many Independent Fundamentalist Schools around the country. The site often contained frustrations expressed by the students that if their true beliefs were to be expressed they would be pressured to leave their respective schools.

When Hudson and the other students were called into the Vice President's office, they had no idea what they had done.

"We thought maybe we were in trouble for walking on the grass or something" said Hudson. "We were prepared to take the punishment, but suddenly we were confronted with the question 'Gentlemen, is this your website?' We were shocked, because online we only used aliases. We didn't know it at the time, but they had been informed."

Since the students have left the school, they have since discovered that the school's administration was able to obtain their information through Yahoo.

"We don't know exactly how they did it, but they were able to contact Yahoo and get our real names" said Hudson. "We feel that this is a serious breach of privacy."

Hudson now fears for the other students that frequented the board.

"We had students from Liberty University, Hyles-Anderson College, and Baptist Bible College" said Hudson. "We don't know if their schools will simply be able to do the same thing and find out who these poor students are and they will get in trouble."

TBNN tried repeatedly to contact Yahoo, but no one was available for comment.

05 November, 2007

Man's Birthright Fetches $49.95 on Ebay

Boonville, Arkansas - What do you do when you're out of work, low on cash and have a computer? If you're Prentiss Fullman, you sell your "birthright" on Ebay.

Fullman, 34, who lives with his parents, recently took the "drastic measures" because of a recent confrontation he had had with them. It seems that Fullman's parents, Bobby John and Helen, finally gave their son an ultimatum, "get a job, or get out of the trailer." When they told him this he argued with his parents that he was unable to work because of his "disability."

"We really got into it one night" said Fullman. "I was playing Halo 3 in my room when dad busted in and started yelling and me about being lazy. I've been trying to find a job now for the last 10 years, just nothing in management will ever open up for me. And I can't do hard work on account of my disability."

"He is as lazy as the day is long" said Bobby John Fullman. "He sleeps in till 2 in the afternoon every day, walks around the house in boxers and eats us out of house and home. He's got a bunch of bum friends who are always over playing them stupid video games. We just couldn't take it anymore."

When the argument finally ended an ultimatum was issued to Fullman. His parent's gave him one month to find a job and get out of the house. Fullman actually spent two days looking for employment before deciding that he had enough.

"I'm just not cut out for hard work" stated Fullman. "Some people think that means I'm lazy, but I think it's just not where my talents lie."

But one night about 2AM Fullman caught an idea that he thought would be the answer to all of his problems.

"I was watching this television preacher late one night" said Fullman. "I can't remember what his name was, but I always like to watch him cause he starts hooting and hollering all around the stage and knocking people on the ground and stuff. Well, he started talking about in the Bible when this guy Esau sold his birthright for a bowl of soup. I got to thinking real hard about that idea and it started looking real good."

The next day when Fullman woke up he went to his parents and asked about his place in the family will. Fullman's father told him a list of the things he would receive when he and his mother died. The list included,

  • The Fullman's 3 bedroom 1 1/2 bath trailer.
  • One 12-gauge shotgun
  • The family dog "Booger"
  • Uncle Frank's ashes
  • An Arkansas State spit cup
After confirming the list with his father Fullman proceeded to go online and list his "birthright" on Ebay, hoping to make enough money to move out and get his own place.

"I started the listing at $.99 with no reserve price" said Fullman. "I listed the items and posted some pictures for people to see, and set the auction for 7 days."

Fullman anxiously waited and watched to see if anyone would bid on the items, but after seven days, when the auction ended he managed to only get $49.95.

"I don't know what I'm going to do now" said Fullman. "Now I ain't got nothing. What am I gonna do with fifty dollars? That'll buy me two nights at a Motel 6, but what about after that?"

According to Fullman's parents they have honored the agreement of the Ebay sale and have replaced their son's name in the will with that of the winning bidder. They admit to feeling sorry for their son not receiving more, but they still plan to hold to their original agreement.

"He's got two weeks left before he's out" said Bobby John Fullman. "It's ashame this happened, but he's got to learn to be a man now."

"I'm not giving up yet" said Fullman. "I've been watching that preacher to see if I can get anymore ideas. There might still be another way."