28 February, 2008

Blogging in Tongues Yields Interesting Results

Daytona Beach, Fl - About a year ago Mark Heinburger got "inspired." After a number of his friends started using various free "blog" websites to post occasional thoughts, pictures and even video clips, Heinburger decided that he too needed to join the blogosphere. After searching through several different free blog sites he made a decision to join one. All that was left to do was to choose a theme for his blog and topic for his site.

"I went for a pretty basic theme" said Heinburger. "I didn't want anything too flashy. I've seen so many blogs out there with all kinds of flashy crazy colors and graphics, but that's not what I'm about. So I just wanted mine to be plain with just a few little pictures here in there."

All was going well for Heinburger until the time came for him to actually make his first post.

"I sat in front of a blank screen for several hours" stated Heinburger. "I just didn't know where to begin. As a Christian I wanted to say something important and useful but I've never been much of a writer."

As the time passed Heinburger started a number of different posts only to become frustrated, erase them and start over again. This situation went on for several days until finally, late one night Heinburger claims he received a "revelation."

"I just sat in front of the computer and suddenly the most amazing thing happened" said Heinburger. "I just started typing, just anything, just whatever came to my mind. It just kept coming and coming without stopping. I didn't know what was happening to me."

When it was over Heinburger realized that had typed a rather lengthy post, but with one major distinguishing factor; it was all in "tongues." He quickly posted his words and went to sleep. He awoke the next morning and received quite a surprise.

"I woke up and checked my email to see that I had almost 50 comments on my first post" he said. "I checked my stats and over 2000 people have visited my site in just the day. All of these people were visiting my site and posting their interpretations of what I had written in tongues."

An excerpt from one of Heinburger's post along with an interpretive comment reveals the following.

"skdit bhwosidth sdkh ! weiu ueif ywqplcxnf duwiel! dhsido? sdlkjq0gjn, sdld, tqnod, thewioghs wehros q wepop hfow!"

To which one commenter interpreted.

"The Cubs are NOT going to win the 08 World Series!"

Heinburger continues to make daily "prophetic posts," and his site continues to grow in popularity in the blogosphere.

"This is my spiritual gift" Heinburger went on to say. "I've never spoken in tongues, but I guess I'm called to blog in tongues."

TBNN learned that Heinburger has also been approached by several major book publishers about writing a book entirely in tongues.

27 February, 2008

"What Spurgeon Really Said" To Hit Shelves Soon

Following comments in Monday's story here at TBNN, the author of What Saint Paul Really Said and What Moses Really Saw, N.T. Wright quickly wrote his latest addition to the world of Christian literature entitled What Spurgeon Really Said. Wright's book examines numerous quotes from the famed 19th-century baptist preacher seemingly indicating that he was a Calvinist. Wright argues that even though the mountain of evidence seems to indicate clearly that Spurgeon was a Calvinist, that we have somehow misunderstood what he was trying to say, that statements such as, "That Christ should offer an atonement and satisfaction for the sins of all men, and that afterwards some of those very men should be punished for the sins for which Christ had already atoned, appears to me to be the most monstrous iniquity that could ever have been imputed to Saturn, to Janus, to the goddess of the Thugs, or to the most diabolical heathen deities." have just been misinterpreted, and that Spurgeon was not necessarily defending the doctrine of particular redemption.

Be sure to pick up your copy of What Spurgeon Really Said today and become even more confused about things that are clear and understandable.

25 February, 2008

Pro-Reformation Posters

After the enthusiastic response to last weeks Anti-Calvinism propaganda posters, TBNN is proud to present our own version of Pro-Reformation posters. Please feel free to post these on your website or anywhere you like. We only ask that you keep our web address on there.

Translation: "You, guard against Arminianism!"

22 February, 2008

"Loster" in Translation

Below you will find an excerpt from Joel Osteen's Your Best Life Now. Below that you will find an English version that has been translated through several languages using a popular online translation website. I suppose the question is whether or not Osteen's writings actually might make more sense when one does this.


"You, too, may have assumed that you’ve already peaked, that you’ve reached your limits in life, that you will never be more successful. I’ll never achieve significance, do something meaningful, or enjoy the good things in life that I’ve seen others enjoy.

Sad to say, you are exactly right . . . unless you are willing to change your thinking. That’s why the first step to living at your full potential is to enlarge your vision. To live your best life now, you must start looking at life through eyes of faith, seeing yourself rising to new levels. See your business taking off. See your marriage restored. See your family prospering. See your dreams coming to pass. You must conceive it and believe it is possible if you ever hope to experience it.

To conceive it, you must have an image on the inside of the life you want to live on the outside. This image has to become a part of you, in your thoughts, your conversation, deep down in your subconscious mind, in your actions, in every part of your being."

Translation: from English to Spanish, Spanish to Russian, Russian to English, English to German, German to French, French to English, English to Arabic and finally Arabic back to English.

"We can also assume that you have already reached the optimum level, which reached its limits, and succeed in life. For each case, it is important that we try to do something useful, or enjoy more things in life, I saw the rest of you.

Unfortunately, not only to you ... If it is not ready to accept the change in his thinking. Of this first phase in the life of its Assembly on the expansion potential of substances. Find the best experiences of his life, and now, we should start life seen through the eyes of faith, has risen to a new level. Vidte case has been disconnected. Consultation in his new marriage. The family to prosperity. See dreams happen successfully. Got pregnant and I think it is possible, if it hopes to live.

Pregnant women, and you should have an opportunity, within the framework of living in life, outside of the page. The image must be part of yourself, in his opinion, and he, in your Subconscious, in their actions, which covers all or part of the entity."

20 February, 2008


squir-me-neu-tics (skwûrm'mə-nōō'tĭks)
n. (used with a sing. or pl. verb)
1. the science of misinterpretation, esp. of the Scriptures, to such a degree that it causes listeners with any common sense to squirm.
2. misinterpretation of the Scriptures so absurd that it causes one to question whether or not it could possibly be for real.

It's getting more and more difficult to write satire these days. The reason for this is that the world of Christendom at both ends is getting so extreme that I just can't seem to top reality anymore. A week rarely passes where I don't at least get several emails from you, the faithful Boxers, passing along a story, or a video that is beyond anything I could think up. When I write satire I take an absurdity and generally follow it out to its logical extreme. This in turn, hopefully, highlights the root absurdity thus causing the reader to see it more clearly.

And then there's stuff like this video that I've posted below. It needs no exaggeration because the absurd end has been logically reached already. Yes, this is a first for us at TBNN. Normally I just don't link to someone else's stuff, but this is too good (or too bad) to pass up. When I first saw this video I about lost it. I thought for sure this was a joke. Some seminary students, obviously opposed to extreme fundamentalism, post these little You Tube videos caricaturing super-hyper-indy-fundy preachers. But I checked it out, and it's no joke. This guy is for real.

Warning: This video is PG. It uses some old King James language that is generally considered crude today. I believe it's fine for adults, but you may not want your kiddos around when you watch this.

With that being said. Ladies and Gentlemen, may I present...squirmeneutics.

18 February, 2008

Pensacola Christian College Releases New Anti-Calvinism Posters

Pensacola, Fl - In an effort to dissuade students from falling victim to "the evils of Calvinism," Pensacola Christian College has begun a new "Hearty Persuasion" campaign against the doctrines. The posters which have been placed all over campus show inspiring artistic drawings of people standing firm for free will against the "heresies of Calvin."

15 February, 2008

This Week in Photos 2/15/08

A disturbed Rev. James Huchinson (left) is caught off guard
when Archbishop of Canterbury Rowan Williams makes the
suggestion during a press conference that Great Britain consider
letting Klingons in the country impose the Klingon code of 
honor amongst their own communities.

The Rev. Jesse Jackson makes a prank call to Presidential
candidate Mike Huckabee's office saying "Hey, do you know 
that you're refrigerator is running?  Better go catch it!"

An angry Fred Phelps, while 
speaking at a Topeka city council
meeting, finally gets "fed up"
with the man man behind him 
who kept whispering "Look at
that bald spot!"

Actor Tom Cruise admitted that he overreacted just a 
little bit (seen here) after a reporter supposedly 
questioned the genuineness of his Scientology
beliefs.  Cruise later apologized stating, "It was just...
ahhhh...like, pft...like a ....life, and feeling...i know what 
to do...yes, it's us, it's that it's....ahhh, woah!"

13 February, 2008

Wanted: Youth Pastor

Wednesday, February 13, 2008
To: Claiborne County Herald
From: Calvary Baptist Church, Parker, Georgia
Re: Youth Pastor

The Calvary Baptist Church of Parker Georgia is currently seeking a part-time youth pastor.  We are a close congregation of about 400 active members and a youth group of about 25 students.

Duties will include (but are not limited to) organizing and conducting any and all youth functions, activities and Bible lessons, Sunday Schools and youth choirs.  The youth group currently meets on Sunday nights after our evening service from 7-10PM and on Wednesday nights from 6-9PM. An extra weekly activity is also expected on the weekends.  Planning for these events is absolutely essential, but do not expect any child to tell you they are planning to come until the last minute.  Be prepared also to attend any and all pep-rallies at the local school, all dance team and cheerleading functions, and it would be nice if you showed up at football, baseball, soccer and tennis practices a couple of times a week to cheer the boys on.  It is also expected that you meet with each of the students privately at least once a week for lunch or something.

All activities much be chaperoned.  We prefer the parents to not be chaperones, because otherwise none of the kids will want to come.  You'll need to find creative ways to get non-parents to want to come on the trips and convince the parents that do want to come not to.

Planned activities are expected for any and all school holidays.  A spring break trip is a must as well as a summer conference somewhere at the beach.  You will be expected to emphasize and impress the idea of modesty upon our female students.  Be careful not to tick off the parents when doing this, as some of them might not take well to you criticizing the bikinis they bought. Careful judgment will be needed.

You will also be expected to attend all deacons meetings as well as be on the education committee.  You will want to have a good presence in the church, so it will be important that you also get involved personally in several Bible studies for yourself, and be at any and all church functions.

Oh, and also, the youth choir meets on Sunday afternoons before evening worship.  Our turnout for this group hasn't been good in the past as few of the students are interested.  But we need someone to spark their interests and make them sing well.

Finally, we'll need you to fill in for the pastor when he's out sick or gone for whatever reason. This will mean preaching both Sunday services, and doing some hospital visitation.

The position is roughly a 10-15 hour per week job.  We are generously offering a salary of $18,000.  You will need to find your own medical insurance.  Married applicants will be preferred as the youth minister's wife will be expected to function as a mentor to all of the girls in the group and personally chaperone all trips.  

11 February, 2008

TBNN Exclusive, Ark of the Covenant Found!

Call it a modern day Raiders of the Lost Ark...well, not exactly.  According to Pastor Mark Durrant he claims to have discovered the whereabouts of the Ark of the Covenant.  Durrant supposedly discovered the current location of the Ark three weeks ago while reading his Bible, when he came across 1 Kings 8:8.  It is in this passage that the story of the Ark being brought into Solomon's temple is told, and verse 8 states,

"And they drew out the staves, that the ends of the staves were seen out in the holy place before the oracle, and they were not seen without: and there they are unto this day." - KJV

"It was that last phrase that caught my attention" said Durrant.  "The Bible says that the staves and the Ark "are there...unto this day.  We take the Bible literally, and that means that to find the Ark of the Covenant all we have to do is go to Solomon's temple in Jerusalem and we'll find it."

Durrant's supposed "discovery" from the Bible passage is born out of a deep convicton that the Bible be taken literally without any historical/grammatical context.  Durrant's church, Mt. Vernon Bible Believers Church, has lived by idea this for some time. 

"We live by the Bible and the Bible alone, not by knowledge" said Durrant.  "We don't need education and all kinds of Greek and stuff to understand the word.  All this interpretation business is a bunch of foolishness.  We just do what the Bible says."

Other interpretations include forbidding a woman to put her hair in a bun.

"We read in Matthew 27:17 where it says '...top not come down'" said Durrant, "and therefore a woman should have no knots in her hair, men too of course."

But Durrant's recent "discovery" of the Ark of the Covenant has prompted a whole list of new "discoveries."  According to Durrant's interpretation of various "unto this day" passages, he claims to now know the location of the heap of stones raised over Achan in Joshua chapter 7, the stone upon which the Ark of the Covenant sat in 1 Samuel 6, and the location of the "field of blood" mentioned in Matthew 27:8.

"We're very excited about all of this" said Durrant.  "My wife and I just got our plane tickets yesterday.  We are headed to Israel at the end of the month to get some pictures of the Ark. According to the map in the back of my Scofield Bible, I should be able to find Solomon's temple pretty easily when I get there."

Durrant has sent his findings to the American Association of Archeologist but he has yet to hear back any response from them.

"Those snobs aren't interested in some serious Biblical study" said Durrant.  "I'm trying to help them out here, but if they don't want to listen to me then I'll just enjoy finding the Ark myself."

While Durrant is looking forward to seeing the Ark he went on to say he had no plans to touch it for fear of being struck dead.

08 February, 2008

Bonus! TBNN Uncovers More Albums

Instead of your regular "This Week in Photos" TBNN is proud to present our latest investigative find.  In relation to yesterday's story about the revival of tacky album covers, TBNN has uncovered these soon-to-be-released records.

07 February, 2008

Christian Musicians Revive "Tacky" Album Cover Art

Oversized pictures, overused fonts, strange song names, bad hair, bad clothing - these were the things that made Christian independent albums so great during the 60s, 70s and mid-80s.  But the trend of "tacky" album cover art dwindled into obscurity as records become less and less used among the general public.  With the advent of 8-track tapes, cassette tapes and compact disks, huge over-designed album covers became less and less of a demand.  

But in an effort to reconnect with the past a number of Christian artists have again revived the practice of designing "tacky" album covers.  With countless editions of shareware drawing software on the market, it seems anyone with an 486DX processor or better can put together a class A, absolutely tasteless album cover
 in just a matter of minutes.

"I remember long summer days at my Grandmothers" said Sachapone Davis, a singer from Memphis, Tennessee whose recently released self-produced album Let Me Tell You About My Friend has sold almost 8 copies over the past 6 months.  "I remember she had just the stacks and stacks of records that I'd look through, all of people I'd never heard of before.  Sometimes there'd be a family all dressed alike on the front.  I remember this one singing duo, it was two sisters.  One was holding a big old bass guitar and the other had an accordion.  It's that kind of stuff that people remember."

Many Christian artists have surmised that the tackier the better.  "When something is just so bad that it's good, people will not forget it" said Bruno Maltise, an indy artist from Chicago.  "People want to see color, big pictures that are just terrible, and every font imaginable."

In order to solve the problem of the limited space available on the front of CD covers, many of the independent artists have resorted to returning to recordings on records.

"Records were the best" said Davis.  "As long as you handled them with white gloves, perfectly got the needle on the record itself and a stiff breeze didn't slightly jiggle the record player while it was going, a record would last up to 9 months.  You just can't beat that kind of quality."

It remains to be seen if the trend will catch on with other artists around the country.  But for now, the few that have undertaken to revive an old tradition are satisfied with the results.

"It's always fun to see people's reactions when I try to sell my records" said Davis.  "At first people think that these are old albums, then they see the copyright date of 2007 and they start laughing."

06 February, 2008

N.T. Wright's Latest "What Moses Really Saw"

From N.T. Wright, the noted author of What Saint Paul Really Said, comes the latest contribution to the "Reformed" world of theology, informing us that what we have understood about Moses all the years has been completely wrong, and misinterpreted.

Wright ask the question "Did Moses really meet with the God of Israel when he received the Law at Sinai?" Wright answers this question by examining a number of phrases found throughout the Pentateuch including the words "received" and "saw."  He also delves into Moses' motivation for ascending the mountain, surmising that his purpose was not so much to meet with God and to receive the law, but to demonstrate to the people of Israel the significance of his leadership.

Wright also takes us into the mind of ancient Judaism, and what a post-Egypt-enslaved Jew would have understood the word "Law" to mean.  Wright's interpretation also helps to further shed light on such events as the golden calf and the significance that the manna turned to worms when it was a day old.  

If you want to get to the true meaning of what Moses really said, then be sure to pick up a copy of this book today.

04 February, 2008

"Speaker-Sensitive" Churches Growing

Dayton Beach, Fl - Several months ago Meredith Bailer decided that something had to change. At 83 years of age Bailer, a life long member of a local Methodist Church (name intentionally withheld), had struggled for some time ever since her congregation switched to more contemporary worship almost three years ago. 
"I didn't mind the music so much" said Bailer.  "I actually liked some of the songs we sang at the church.  But the problem was the noise.  Those big speakers up at the front just boomed and boomed every time they'd play them drums.  And that one fellow on the guitar would just play so loud that I couldn't even hear myself think."

As it turns out, Bailer discovered she was not the only one who struggled with a sensitivity to loud noises.  Not only did a number of elderly members of the church struggle with the noise issue, but even several of the younger members also. 

Bailer tried each Sunday to endure the 2 hour long service at her church.  But several weeks ago while reading her newspaper she saw and advertisement for a new congregation that was forming in the Dayton Beach area called "New Hope Christian Fellowship."  What caught Bailer's eye was that the church touted itself as being "Speaker-Sensitive." 

"That caught my eye immediately" said Bailer.  "I quickly picked up the phone and called to find out more."

Bailer's call was answered by the cheerful voice of New Hope's pastor, Brent Davis.

"Ever since we've put the add in the paper we've gotten literally hundreds of calls from people like Mrs. Bailer" said Davis.  "What's unique about our church is that we are speaker-sensitive, we use absolutely no amplification in our church.  We have a praise band, but everything is 'unplugged' and acoustically driven.  When I preach I just have to speak up.  There are no microphones in our church.  We don't want to be a stumbling block in any way for anyone who would come into the doors of our church sensitive to noise."

New Hope's methodology seems to be successful.  In just three months since the church's founding, its membership has grown to almost 300.  

"I just enjoy it so much" said Bailer.  "I do miss my old congregation, but it's just so much easier to think and worship now without a drum banging so loudly in my ear."

01 February, 2008

This Week in Photos - February 1, 2008

Senator and Presidential candidate,
Hillary Clinton listens intently during 
a Sunday sermon.

Ever since young Eric McNally told his friends
he was a Calvinist, he has been the victim of a 
ceaseless stream of taunting and bullying.

Addressing the current "Spiritual Recession"
in the United States, President George W. Bush,
during his State of the Union speech suggests
churches give back all tithes and offerings
to members.

In a rare photo, The Reverend Al Sharpton is
seen with his mouth closed when asked by one
reporter if he thought people could be saved
without Jesus.

Fox News Host, Bill O'Reilly, comments on
his recent reading of Dave Hunt's book What 
Love is This?

Participants pause for a group 
photo during the first annual 
gathering of Unitarian and
United Church of Christ ministers.