iHumbug! Allows Stodgy Presbyterians to Track Members at Christmas

...Yep, I'm back =)

CORINTH, AL

With the Christmas season in full swing now, one church is definitely NOT singing "Joy to the World." Several months ago the elders of South Bend Presbyterian met to address the issue of some of their members observing the "blasphemous, pagan, wretched holiday of Christmas." While many conservative Presbyterians do indeed observe Christmas, South Bend holds to a strict puritanical view of holidays, not only forbidding any recognition of it in worship, but also strictly insisting that all members "abstain from acknowledging the incarnation from November 27th through January 3rd" of each year. But despite this insistence, the elders have long suspected that some members may still be observing Christmas.

"I could have sworn last year that I smelled fresh pine while talking to one of our deacons," said Ruling Elder Wilson Hovine. "He told me he'd been cutting firewood all afternoon, but I had my doubts."

In a different instance, another elder, Everett Hovine recalled "seeing a youngun with a

peppermint on December 3rd."

Up to this point the elders have not formally caught anyone observing the holiday, but there have been strong suspicions. But this year the elders claim to have come up with a "fool proof method" of knowing what their flock is up to. Working together with the young grandson of Ruling Elder Albert Hovine, the church has developed its own iPhone and Android app to track its members' activities during the "Christmas season."

"They'll be no second guessing this year," said Ruling Elder John Hovine. "Just about every last one of our members uses one of them iPhone or Android phones, and with this new app we can keep track of where they are at all times."

The app works to track the movements of church members

throughout the week, and has been specifically programmed with a special algorithm that can accurately determine whether or not one is Christmas shopping, caroling, or "making merry." In the event of questionable activity, the Ruling Elders are sent an alert, showing the exact location of the member and the nature of the activity in question.

"We are real excited about this," commented pastor Bill Buford. "We feel this will greatly contribute to the peace, joy and holiness of our congregation."

The elders further commented that if the app works well during this year's holiday season that they plan to use it to track members who might attempt to fill up their cars on the Sabbath.

Doctor "Don't Need No Education!"

Hoover, Alabama - He's never been to med school. In fact the man who calls himself "Dr. Eddie Miller" has never even been to college. He graduated from high school in 1987 with a 2.3 GPA and immediately began pursuing his "calling" to the medical profession.

"I felt the call to become a doctor since I was a boy," said Miller. "I was about 7 and caught me a frog and cut him open with my pocket knife. I knew right then and there that I wanted to be a doctor when I growed up."

Miller went on to recount how he spent his days after that watching TV shows about "doctor stuff." He also took every chance he could to catch small live animals and dissect them, so that he could further pursue his "calling." Finally, at the tender age of only 13 he performed his first surgery.

"They found out my uncle Billy had a tumor in his neck. He was going to go to one of them big fancy hospitals where the doctors think they all smart and stuff, but I told him I would do the surgery for free. We knocked him out with a ball-pin hammer and I used my trusty exacto knife. Uncle Billy didn't quite make it that day, but he was too far gone anyway."

Now at the age of 41, Miller operates a small clinic in Hoover where he says he's qualified to perform any medical procedure even though he's never been to med school.

"I don't need no medical board or a bunch of other smarty pants doctors telling me what to do and think. I read my medical journals every day. I've even memorized entire chapters. I can do any surgery or procedure. Brain surgery, spinal surgery, amputations, you name it. I don't need no education. This is a calling."

TBNN tried to reach some of Dr. Miller's patients both current and past for comment, but none could be located.

Independent KJV-Only Fundamentalists Baptists Pass Website Reform

Tempe, AZ - In an unprecedented move, a national gathering of Independent KJV-Only Fundamentalist Baptists met in Tempe, Arizona to discuss the issue of website reform. While for the past 15 years churches and leaders within the IKJVOFB movement have resisted change, the fast growth of the web and new browsers now available have led the group to decided that something had to be done. Among those decisions passed were,

• Churches would upgrade their computer systems to at least Windows 98.
• Animated GIFs should be limited to no more than 50% of a page's image content.
• Underlined, bold and italicized text at the same time on a website should be discontinued. Churches or independent "evangelists" may continue to use any combination of the two, but not all three at the same time.
• All-caps may be used but only in reference to the KVJ-only position, "liberals," Calvinism, or when referencing James White. When referencing "common" points of doctrine (i.e. the Trinity, virgin birth, resurrection, etc.") all-caps may no longer be used.
• Sites must contain no more than two frames.
• Font sizes should be no larger than 78, with the exception of referring to the KJV-only position, "liberals," Calvinism, or when referencing James White.
• Spelling on websites must be at least 85% correct.
• Sites should take no longer than 4 minutes to load.
• Pictures should be kept to under 4 MB in size.
• Background music on sites should be completely eliminated.
• Sites should be updated at least every 3 years.
• Color schemes should be used that allow the text of the site to be at least barely readable.
• Plans should be made to discontinue writing sites in basic HTML on a plain-text editors by the year 2019.

"We feel these measures will bring our churches up to at least a 1999 level," said pastor Steven Sanderson of Faithful Word of the Bible Church in Tempe. "We want to see more of our IKJVOFB people better utilize 20th-century methods of communication.

Squirmeneutics

squir-me-neu-tics (skwûrm'mə-nōō'tĭks)
n. (used with a sing. or pl. verb)
1. the science of misinterpretation, esp. of the Scriptures, to such a degree that it causes listeners with any common sense to squirm.
2. misinterpretation of the Scriptures so absurd that it causes one to question whether or not it could possibly be for real.

Well, it's once again time for our old friend "pastor" Steven Anderson. In case you forgot, some time ago Steven bought us a comprehensive theology of masculine bathroom etiquette. Now Steven blesses us with this tidbit of theological wizardry on why Jesus wore pants and not a robe.

Now, before you watch this, be forewarned. You're IQ is about to drop. While there is a lot out there in the world of theology that irks me, I'm coming to the conclusion that there is really something clinical going on here. This is beyond your annoying fundamentalist rant. This is mental disability. Think I'm being to harsh? Just watch.

Fundamentalists Await New "THiPhone"

Pensacola, Fl - Pensacola Christian College announced on Thursday that they will soon release the much anticipated "THiPhone." With the recent popularity of Apple's iPhone, many fundamentalists have been looking for a way to enjoy the convenience of the technology but without compromising their principles by using the "vulgar, base, worldly, accursed things."

"I'll admit, the technology is amazing, but I just couldn't bring myself to buy one," said Pastor Kenneth Hamperton of Bible Believers Sword of the Lord Baptist Church. "So many people own these phones and are listening to Kid Rock and Snoop Doggy Doo (sic) on them. Now while I wouldn't listen to such trash I know that someone might see me listening to my iPhone and say 'Hey look, brother Hamperton is listening to Kid Rock I bet. I guess I can too!' I don't want to be a stumbling block. We're called to be separate you know."

But the THiPhone, developed by a joint venture between the Science and Communications departments at P.C.C., promises to provide all of the functions of the iPhone but without the "evil" things normally associated with it. The THiPhone has many of the same features as the iPhone but with the following changes.

• Like the popular "ePhod" the THiPhone will not play any songs with "bad" music, such as music with offbeats, hand clapping or distorted guitars.
• The THiPhone comes pre-installed with a mobile version of Net Finney to prevent any Calvinist or Reformed websites from being visited.
• The THiPhone will play videos but only recorded services from the P.C.C. campus church.
• The THiPhone's camera can only take pictures of modest clothing or the P.C.C. campus.

There are also features that allow P.C.C. students to report other students who might be engaged in "rebellion" such as using the telephone in someone else's room or walking on the grass or speaking favorably of the Puritans. 

The THiPhone's release is planned for this fall with a starting price of $399.

KJV "Typo" Nullifies Pastoral Calling, Perhaps More

Woodsville, Washington - Pastor William Herliksen is finding himself in a bit of a "faith crisis" these days. Herliksen, who has pastored Bible Believers Baptist Church for the past twelve years has made two things the primary focus of his ministry.

"We do two things here at BBBC" said Herliksen. "We lift up the King James Bible above all, and we follow only what Paul teaches."

Under Herliksen's leadership the church has adopted a KJV-only position that even some who advocate only using the King James Bible find "radical." Some of those views taken directly form BBBC's statement of faith include,

• One cannot be saved with any other version of the Bible other than the King James
• All translations into other languages must be made from the King James Bible

But lately Herliksen has had to come face-to-face with his own words. Last week, as Herliksen was on vacation with his wife he woke up one morning to read his Bible. Realizing he had left his Bible in his bedroom and not wanting to wake up his wife, he decided to pick up her Bible and read. He began reading in Romans chapter 13, and was only 10 verses into the chapter when he noticed something strange. The passage in his wife's Bible read, "Love worketh no ill to his neighbour: therefore love is the fulfilling of the law." The problem lay with the word "neighbour" which Herliksen immediately noticed was spelled differently than he had been used to in his Bible.

"I became instantly concerned" stated Herliksen. "I was almost certain that my Bible spelled the word 'neighbor.'"

Herliksen pondered the problem for some time and waited until his wife woke up to retrieve his Bible.

"As soon as I walked in the living room Bill just shot up off of the couch and tore into the bedroom" said wife Lillian. "No 'good morning' or anything."

Upon retrieving his Bible Herliksen's "worst fears" were confirmed. In his Bible, the Bible that he had used for over 30 years, it read "neighbor" and not "neighbour." Upon further investigation, Herliksen soon discovered that his own copy of the KJV was a misprint.

"I was devastated" said Herliksen. "That was the Bible I was reading when I supposedly got saved. That's the Bible I've preached from for over 30 years."

The crisis for Herliksen now is this; because of the typo his Bible cannot technically be called a real "King James Bible" thus nullifying all of his ministry including preaching, teaching and personal reading. But more frightening to Herliksen than anything else is the possibility that he has missed salvation altogether because of the mistake.

"This means that the Bible I was reading when I got saved was not really a King James Bible. I'm probably not even saved. This means that the Bible I have been preaching from to people all of these years has not really been a King James Bible, and that means all of those people who have walked the aisle are not really saved either. I've spent the past 30 years using a Satanic translation."

Since making the discovery Herliksen has resigned his position as pastor of BBBC.

"I don't know what I'm going to do now" stated Herliksen. "I'm still going to the church each week, but I just don't know if I can be forgiven of this sin. I've gotten another Bible, but I'm so scared that there might be another typo in it. My eternal destiny rests upon me actually reading the exactly right and perfect translation. How can I know that I have that? How can I be certain?"

VHS-Onlyism Becoming More Popular

Pensacola, Fl - It's Sunday morning at Bible Believers Baptist Church in Pensacola, and the congregation has gathered for Sunday School. Recently the class started a new video series on the book of Mark taught by one of their favorite preachers, Dr. Peter S. Ruckman. David Peidt, the Sunday School director settles the class, opens the time in prayer, and then pulls out the VHS tape that contains Dr. Ruckman's message. "You know, some folks don't even believe in using VHS tapes anymore" he comments to the crowd. A soft series of agreeing responses follows, and the group settles in for the message.

Bible Believers Baptist Church is not alone. Recently a number of independent fundamentalist churches have begun to go on the offensive against what they feel are "threats to the distribution of Biblical truths through the medium of VHS tape." One of the leaders of the movement is pastor Mike Paulmon of Wichita Bible Church.

"We are staunchly VHS only at our church" stated Paulmon. "For fifteen years the VHS tape was used to mass distribute preaching throughout the world. Then they started coming out with all of these new forms of media, DVD and now all of these digital forms like AVI files and MPEGs. These are nothing but a trick from Satan to confuse and deceive people."

Paulmon went on to further explain how the use of other forms of media causes confusion.

"You take for instance this VHS tape" he said. "It's just perfect. All I do is pop it in my VCR and record whatever I want. Or if I need to I just set up a VHS camcorder and record something. I can then take that very same tape and pop it into any VCR around the world and it's good to go. Now, all of this DVD business, not every DVD player can play every DVD. Some of them won't work. Besides, to be able to record a DVD you've got to have a special recorder, and a special player. Now the DVD is bad enough, but you take all of these electronic files that you got to have a computer to play them on, like the AVI, MPEG, WMV and VID, it's nothing but confusion. You send someone a file and you've got to have the right program or else it won't play."

Giving further fuel to their cause, some notable figures in the fundamentalist world have joined their cause. One in particular, Dr. Peter S. Ruckman himself, recently spoke out in favor of using only the VHS.

"The VHS is perfect in every way," stated Ruckman. "There's no need to improve upon that which is perfect already. Those who are putting out all of these new deforms of media are all part of the Californian Cult, lusting only after money."

Ruckman went on to further state that he intends to write a book on the subject, due to be released at the end of the week.

Seminary Professor Caught Inventing Fake Greek Words

LAWRENCE, MISSOURI

The aim of Lawrence Temple Bible College is to "teach young men to be preachers." For the past fifteen years the Independent Fundamentalist Baptist school has sought to train the men who attend to be "well rounded preachers" by focusing on two main aspects in their teaching; a firm understanding of the King James Bible and soul winning. But in the world of accredited institutions LTBC struggled to gain respect in the field of higher eduction over the years. As a result they began a campaign to expand their curriculum and hire new more "qualified" faculty.

The college's first addition came with the hiring of Dr. Robert Green. Green, a noted fundamentalist, KJV-only pastor, came to the college with an impressive list of credentials including a high school diploma from Northshore High School in Riverwood, Indiana and four honorary doctorate degrees with three being from Hyles-Anderson College in Hammond, Indiana and one from Texas Bible College in Longview, Texas. Dr. Green's primary responsiblities would be to teach courses in preaching and Bible translations with a specific emphasis upon the merits of the King James Bible and the Textus Receptus. With Green's resume stating that he had "extensive training in and knowledge of Biblical Greek" excitement was high among the members of the LTBC faculty, with hopes that the school had finally found someone who could show the errors of the other "Satanic translations" of the Bible on a scholarly level.

For Green's first semester at the college all went well. Students seemed to enjoy his class on Bible translations, and more than ever students were convinced of the merits of the Authorized Version and the superiority of the Textus Receptus. But as the second semester rolled around and a new batch of students entered Green's class a problem began to emerge. One student's "real" knowledge of Greek would soon prove that Dr. Green not only did not know Greek at all, but he consistently invented "Greek-sounding" words that he presented to the class as authentic Koine Greek.

The problem was discovered by Jack Cartwright, a first-year student at LTBC. Cartwright had studied Greek for three years during high school, expecting to go into the medical field. Instead he enrolled at LTBC believing he was called into the ministry.

"I was sitting there in Dr. Green's class on the first day thinking everything was alright" said Cartwright. "Dr. Green seemed like a pretty nice guy and all that. He started talking about how the King James Version was translated from the Textus Receptus, what he called a 'superior Greek text' and how all of these other translations were taken from corrupt texts which made them inferior. Well, that all sounded fine to me. But then he started giving examples of what he called 'corruptions' in the Greek. He started talking about 'Greek' words that weren't really Greek words at all."

Cartwright sat dumbfounded for the next two hours while Green lectured on why "charity" is a better translation than "love" in 1 Corinthians 13.

"Dr. Green told us that the word for 'love' in the Greek is 'kaiposoluptis'" said Cartwright. "Well, at first I thought he was just joking, then I realized that this guy was serious! Not only is "kaiposoluptis" not a Greek word, but as far as I know it's not a word in any language."

As Green's lecture continued he presented more and more "Greek" examples to the class that Cartwright caught.

"I started writing them down" he said. "They were downright funny. He said that the verb for 'to run' was 'hapalomelama.' I almost lost it when he told the class that the Greek word for 'Lord' was 'elohim.'"

After class Cartwright talked to some of his classmates about the situation only to find himself rebuked for his questioning of authority.

"I talked to some of the other guys in the class and they were all like 'Man, who do you think you are?'" he said. "They all told me that I have no right questioning 'God's man."

The problems for Cartwright did not stop there though. He soon took his complaint to LTBC's Academic Dean only to be told to "cease his spirit of rebellion." Cartwright soon dropped all his classes and withdrew from LTBC.

"I'm done with that school" he said. "They're absolutely ignorant and almost proud of it. I don't know what I'm going to do exactly, but I know I won't go back there."

Advertisement: Get Your Doctorate at The Ruckman University of Street Preachers

Are you tired of liberal, so-called "Bible colleges" that do nothing but put out your gospel fire? Are you sick of know-it-all professors who use Satan's translations of the Bible? Does Calvinism just plain make your stomach churn? Now there's an alternative to those bunch of ejukated smarty-pantses who think they know so much.

The Ruckman University of Street Preachers, founded by Dr. Peter S. Ruckman, is now accepting applications for the degree of Doctor of Street Preachin' with classes beginning this fall.

Dr. Ruckman will personally teach you all of the tricks of his trade as you study under his wisdom in classes like...

• Basics of Yelling
• Sign Making 101
• Cuss Words That Are Okay for Preachers to Say 101 & 201
• The King James Bible Basics
• Advanced King James Bible Stuff
• How to Make Fun of James White 101 & 201
• Why Calvinism is Evil
• Why Calvinism is a Lie Out of Hell
• How to Yell at a Calvinist
• Lies That Are Okay to Tell in Order to Accomplish Your Goal
• How to Make People Hate You So That They Persecute You So That You Feel Good About Yourself

At the Ruckman University of Street Preaching you can study just one short semester and receive your official and authentic Doctor of Street Preachin' degree that you can proudly display.

"I got my Doctorate from the Ruckman University of Street Preaching in just five weeks. Thanks brother Ruckman!" - Lonnie Pursifull, Street Preacher
Space is limited, so fill out your application today!

Bob Jones University Starts "ThySpace" for Students

GREENVILLE, SOUTH CAROLINA

Life at Bob Jones University can seem "strict" to some. Girls are restricted from wearing pants on certain parts of the campus. All dates must be chaperoned by one of the college staff, and under no circumstances are couples allowed to touch. Violations of these rules are strictly enforced, and those who accumulate enough demerits during a school year face expulsion. But recently rules regarding internet access on campus have been reevaluated.

"We recognize that the internet is both a wonderful and a perilous thing." Said Dr. Bob Jones III, Chancellor of the University. "Every day there is something new out there, and while many of these things are worldly, there are, on occasion, good ideas."

One of the ideas that Jones appreciates is that of the popular website MySpace, in which people can post information about themselves such as likes, dislikes, pictures, etc. But given the nature of much of the content on MySpace the website is blocked by the campus' internet filtering software.

"I like the idea of MySpace," said Jones, "a place where our students can connect and learn about one another, but MySpace is a terrible website, filled with worldly and base things. We just cannot let our students have access to such a website without monitoring them, and checking up on everything they are writing and posting. But we have come up with our own system called ThySpace, which will allow our students to basically do the same thing."

ThySpace will be launched this fall at the beginning of the 2007-2008 academic year and will only be available and accessible to Bob Jones students on campus. Students will be able to customize there own home page and list their favorite classes at Bob Jones, their favorite Bob Jones III quote, their favorite Bob Jones choir music that they like to listen to, and their favorite food at the Bob Jones Dining Common. In addition, students may post pictures of themselves so long as they were taken on the campus of the university, and they may regularly blog about the things they have learned during Sunday AM services at the Founders' Memorial Apithorium.

"What this will do is increase our community." Said Jones. "You take a good idea, like MySpace, and you tweak it just a bit and you get what we have here with ThySpace."

The site will be free to use by all campus students, and will be monitored by the school's staff to avoid any inappropriate remarks being made. Furthermore, under no circumstances may students of the opposite sex add each other as friends.

"We're here to show the world that we at Bob Jones University can be old fashioned and yet use new things." Said Jones. "But we're not going to compromise though. We're here to stand in the gap and show the world how Christians should live."

Reports Indicate Pensacola Christian College Plans to Add Student Handbook to Canon

PENSACOLA, FLORIDA

The reports are unsubstantiated, but a number of sources have recently revealed some plans by the faculty and administration of Pensacola Christian College that come as a shock to many.

"The administration and faculty have been, for the last two years, planning to make the P.C.C. Student Handbook an official part of the Bible." Said Dr. Mark Chamblin, a former faculty member whose contract was recently not renewed due to his 'questionable views.' "I protested this ridiculous proposal and was harshly criticized for my 'rebellion' against the wisdom of the administration." Said Chamblin. "And so they let me go. I want to expose this horrible plot."

Pensacola Christian College has been criticized over the years for what many say are 'harsh' and 'legalistic' restrictions upon their students that 'go beyond Scripture.' Some of these rules include restrictions upon what kind of music students may listen to, following detailed requirements for separate entrances to buildings for men and women, prohibiting men and women from walking and talking together on certain parts of the campus, and restricting what students may watch on television or at the movies even if they are with their parents.

"The administration has been pushing this for some time now." Said Chamblin. "Phrases like 'The Student Handbook is perfect and without error' kept coming up over the years. Finally the proposal was made that it ought to be made part of the canon so that the students and parents could no longer question its authority."

Chamblin released what he stated was a portion of the handbook text that has been "translated" from modern English into the language of the King James Version in order to make it, as he stated, "more authoritative."

"A group of professors from the school have been working on 'translating' the handbook for almost a year now." Said Chamblin. "They plan to have the final edition of the Bible ready to be released by the start of Fall 2007 classes."

Members of the P.C.C. administration declined to comment when questioned as to the validity of Chamblin's reports.