NIV "Recreational Use" Bible Sparks Controversy

SEATTLE, WASHINGTON

Churches all along the West Coast and the Pacific Northwest are at odds over a new NIV study bible that is suspiciously named "for recreational use."

The Bible features the letters "NIV" on the cover made of some kind of leaf along with a peculiar picture of a very relaxed man. The study notes include an odd mix of seemingly random items and bits of information including over a hundred blank brightly colored pages, unusual recipes such as one entitled No-Bake Cheese Puff Casserole. Also included is a map of the state of California. And every copy comes with a chance to win a free trip to Amsterdam.

"Something just seems fishy about this particular Bible," said pastor Timothy Evans of Cougar Creek Bible Church in Cougar, Washington.  "I can't seem to put my finger on it exactly, but there's just something not right."

While some are suspicious, others are openly accepting the new Bible.

"We think it's fantastic!" said Todd Nelson, pastor of The Open Door Come As You Are Relevant House of Healing Fellowship in Portland, Oregon. "This Bible will touch people in special ways. We see people reading this that would probably never read the Bible otherwise. We really want to see more and more people having the opportunity to get spiritual highs."

Brother Cites Matthew 18 - Intends to Never Forgive Sister Again

If there's one thing that Jared and Charity Ellison do well, it's fight. Rarely is there a peaceful moment in the Ellison household when these two are home together.

"We have to stay on them constantly," said Father Mark. "We just don't know what to do sometimes. I mean, overall they're good kids, they just kick and claw and scream and yell and hit each other repeatedly. I'll scold them and say 'Now, you two shouldn't do that.' or make them do timeout or something, but they just keep on fighting."

But things recently got worse and for a reason the Ellisons weren't expecting. It all started when Mark and his wife Glenda decided it was time to start taking the kids to church. The first Sunday they had attended in a long time, the kid's Sunday School lesson was on the subject of forgiveness from Matthew 18:21,22;

"Then Peter came and said to Him, "Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me and I forgive him? Up to seven times?" Jesus said to him, "I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven."

"When we heard what the Sunday School lesson was about we got all excited," said mother Glenda. "We thought that perhaps this would encourage the kids to start loving and forgiving each other more."

But the Ellisons were wrong. Upon hearing the lessons, younger brother Jared decided to take the verse literally, specifically where Peter asks about forgiving one's "brother." Now he never intends to forgive his sister ever again.

"Ha! It doesn't say anything in the Bible about forgiving your sister!" screamed an excited Jared. "I'm so glad we went to church. It was awesome. She has to forgive me because I'm her brother, but I don't have to forgive her for anything, because she's a girl!"

While a little dismayed, Charity may have found her own loophole in the command.

"Okay, so if I have to forgive my brother, I have to forgive him, but I only have to do it 'seventy times seven' just like the Bible says. I figured out how much that is. I've got straight A's in math you know. And seventy times seven is 490. You can bet your boogers I'm keeping track of how many times I've forgiven that little brat, and he's not going to get one extra forgiveness from me. Not one!"

According to Charity by the end of the day Monday following the Sunday School lesson, Jared had already used up 264 of his "forgivenesses."

"The One Week Bible" Not Catching On

Carol Stream, Il - Tyndale House Publishers reported on Thursday that since the release of The One Week Bible three months ago sales have been "significantly less than expected." Sales reports for the first quarter show that a mere 13 copies have sold since The One Week Bible hit the shelves in May.

Many are already familiar with the popular One Year Bible, available in a variety of translations and conveniently divided into 365 daily readings taking approximately 30-35 minutes each, allowing the reader to steadily read through the whole Bible in a period of one year. But The One Week Bible is designed to be much more "intense," dividing the Bible into seven readings of roughly 10 hours and 20 minutes thus allowing a person to read the whole Bible in one week.

The idea for The One Week Bible was developed over the last year at Tyndale House. Various audio Bibles that have been released have shown that the Bible can be read through from beginning to end in about 72 hours. With this in mind Tyndale set out to release a Bible for people who wanted a more "intense reading" of Scripture. Tyndale first designed and test marketed The Three Day Bible, in which the Bible was conveniently divided into three "daily" readings of about 24 hours each, but the product was received rather poorly. Tyndale then began working on The One Week Bible hoping to attract a larger audience.

But now the extremely poor sales have become a major concern for Tyndale House. Having printed over 40,000 copies and having only sold 13, marketing directors are beginning to question whether or not the release of The One Week Bible was the wisest course of action.

"We knew going in that this was going to be for a particular market, but we weren't expecting sales to be this low," said Tyndale Vice President of marketing Roger Schultz. "We're going to try and restructure some of our approaches to marketing and see what develops. Perhaps we need to target more specific audiences with, say, The One Week Women's Bible or The One Week Teen Extreme Bible."

Oliver Stone Presents "Three Testament" Theory

Hollywood, Ca - Film director and screenwriter Oliver Stone announced on Tuesday that he is currently casting for an upcoming film about the Bible called The Lost Testament. Stone, whose controversial 1991 film JFK presented the theory that there was a second gunman in the Kennedy assassination, began work four years ago on the film because of a personal conviction that something "just didn't seem right" about the apparent "contradictions" between the Old and New Testament. An Episcopalian turned Buddhist, Stone argues that there has to be more information out there that bridges the gap between the "God of Wrath" in the Old Testament and the "Jesus of Mercy" in the New Testament.

"I'm not a Christian, but I read the Bible," said Stone during an interview with TBNN. "I think there are some very valuable things in the Bible about love and kindness and compassion. But I cannot help but think that there's something missing between Malachi and Matthew. Of course, I've read the Apocrypha, but that doesn't even sufficiently answer some of these questions that I have. In the Old Testament people are being swallowed up by the ground, fire is coming out of the sky, whole cities are destroyed. And when I read in the New Testament Jesus is talking about mercy, loving your enemies and forgiving others."

As a result The Lost Testament presents the theory that there is a missing "Middle Testament" that makes sense of why, as Stone says "God changed." TBNN has already learned that Kevin Costner has been brought out of obscurity to play the lead roll of Dr. Jeff Padget, a Baptist preacher who goes on a quest to find the "missing testament." Along the way he comes to not only tolerate but embrace homosexuality, abortion and Islam, becoming the first Baptist/Islamic minister in the world. His quest finally takes him to Berkley, California where he supposedly finds all of the answers of life he's ever looked for.

"I think this film will really revolutionize the religious views of many out there," said Stone. "There has to be something that connects the Old and the New, and I think most people have never crossed that bridge, they've just jumped from one side to the other. We're hoping to find that bridge, or either make one up out of our own imaginations."

The Lost Testament is due to be released in December of 2008, just in time for the Christmas season.