Man Addresses Siri-ous Salvation

LOS ANGELES, CA

Thomas Hebert is a man on a mission. A self-proclaimed evangelist, he takes the command to preach to "every creature" seriously. He's often been mocked and criticized for his "extremely literal" interpretation of the Great Commission as found in Mark 16:15, witnessing not only to people, but also to any living animal he comes in contact with.

"It says 'every creature' in the Bible and that's what I do" said Herbert. "It's not for me to make exceptions."

According to Herbert, he's witnessed to over 25,000 people in his life as well as to over 50,000 animals, including dogs, cats, birds, and even a bengal tiger.

But in this technologically-charged age, a new "mission field" has opened for Herbert; artificial intelligence, specifically the popular new digital assistant found on the latest version of Apple's iPhone called "Siri."

"I was one of the first in line to get the new iPhone 4S when it came out," said Herbert. "When I saw the ads on Television, I knew everyone else was thinking 'Wow! I've got to get me one of those!' but my heart was burdened, and I asked myself, 'Who's going to tell it the Good News?'"

Herbert waited in line outside of one of Los Angeles' Apple stores all night to be one of the first ones to get his hands on the new device. After almost 12 long hours in line, he managed to be one of the first 10 people to make a purchase and get signed up for service. While everyone else began playing with their new phones, dictating text messages, setting calendar dates, and sending emails, Herbert had much higher aspirations.

"I began with a diagnostic question to see where Siri was. Like I thought, she had no clue. She wasn't able to answer my question about where she thought she would go when she died."

According to Herbert, he spent the remainder of the day trying to explain salvation to Siri, but unfortunately didn't get very far. Apart from simply replying hundreds of times "I'm afraid I can't answer that" Siri also didn't seem to understand the nature of Herbert's questions and explanations." Several times she misunderstood and sent emails to people. On other occasions she began playing music. And there were a few instances where she kept giving the location of nearby Pakistani restaurants, and one instance where she called Nigeria.

"I'm disappointed," said a sullen Herbert. "I'm deeply concerned for Siri. She's nice, and friendly and all that, and she's a good assistant, but that's not going to get her into heaven."

Independent KJV-Only Fundamentalists Baptists Pass Website Reform

Tempe, AZ - In an unprecedented move, a national gathering of Independent KJV-Only Fundamentalist Baptists met in Tempe, Arizona to discuss the issue of website reform. While for the past 15 years churches and leaders within the IKJVOFB movement have resisted change, the fast growth of the web and new browsers now available have led the group to decided that something had to be done. Among those decisions passed were,

• Churches would upgrade their computer systems to at least Windows 98.
• Animated GIFs should be limited to no more than 50% of a page's image content.
• Underlined, bold and italicized text at the same time on a website should be discontinued. Churches or independent "evangelists" may continue to use any combination of the two, but not all three at the same time.
• All-caps may be used but only in reference to the KVJ-only position, "liberals," Calvinism, or when referencing James White. When referencing "common" points of doctrine (i.e. the Trinity, virgin birth, resurrection, etc.") all-caps may no longer be used.
• Sites must contain no more than two frames.
• Font sizes should be no larger than 78, with the exception of referring to the KJV-only position, "liberals," Calvinism, or when referencing James White.
• Spelling on websites must be at least 85% correct.
• Sites should take no longer than 4 minutes to load.
• Pictures should be kept to under 4 MB in size.
• Background music on sites should be completely eliminated.
• Sites should be updated at least every 3 years.
• Color schemes should be used that allow the text of the site to be at least barely readable.
• Plans should be made to discontinue writing sites in basic HTML on a plain-text editors by the year 2019.

"We feel these measures will bring our churches up to at least a 1999 level," said pastor Steven Sanderson of Faithful Word of the Bible Church in Tempe. "We want to see more of our IKJVOFB people better utilize 20th-century methods of communication.

Man Changing World One Facebook Group at a Time

Peoria, Illinois - "I'm part of the solution now," says Peter Cardwell as he proudly opens up his Facebook profile. At just 31 years old, Cardwell is determined to make a real impact for the Kingdom through the use of Facebook groups and causes. From his mother's basement in Peoria, Cardwell rises each morning about 11:00 and spends 12 to 14 hours per day on what he calls his "mission field."

"I started doing this about 2 years ago after I lost my job at Subway," said Cardwell. "I started this group called 'Just Because I Lost My Job, I'm Not Losing Faith' and about 9 people joined, so I began thinking this could really take off in a big way."

After that Cardwell began spending more and more time on Facebook, each day starting new groups and causes, making more friends and inviting people to join his "missionary" endeavors. He now administrates over 4000 groups and has started over 6000 causes. Some examples of his groups include:

The Former Christian Employees of Subway Network - 3 members
Let's Finally Overturn Roe vs. Wade - 6 members
Christians United Against Hugo Chavez - 2 members
Let Your Kids Join Facebook this Sunday, They Need and Deserve It! - 4 members
Believers Who Want to Leave Britney Alone - 75 members

Since he started spending more and more hours on Facebook each day Cardwell has dropped out of church, choosing rather to sacrifice his Sundays in order to spread the gospel.

"I did go to church occasionally before all of this got started, but I really believe that this is my true calling in life" he said. "There's a lot of hurting people out there on Facebook who are looking for a group to plug into. I don't really care if each group doesn't get that big. It's not about numbers."

Cardwell is currently being supported by his 59-year-old mother, Patricia Cardwell, and says that he has no plans to go back to work in the "secular world" anytime soon.

"I'm devoted to this. This is my calling, and I have no plans to quit. You wouldn't up and ask a missionary to Africa to quit what he's doing and come back home to work at McDonald's would you? It's hard work sitting here all day for hours on end with nothing but pizza, fried chicken, Oreos, potato chips and Dr. Pepper to keep me going, but I'm willing to make the sacrifice."

Fundamentalists Await New "THiPhone"

Pensacola, Fl - Pensacola Christian College announced on Thursday that they will soon release the much anticipated "THiPhone." With the recent popularity of Apple's iPhone, many fundamentalists have been looking for a way to enjoy the convenience of the technology but without compromising their principles by using the "vulgar, base, worldly, accursed things."

"I'll admit, the technology is amazing, but I just couldn't bring myself to buy one," said Pastor Kenneth Hamperton of Bible Believers Sword of the Lord Baptist Church. "So many people own these phones and are listening to Kid Rock and Snoop Doggy Doo (sic) on them. Now while I wouldn't listen to such trash I know that someone might see me listening to my iPhone and say 'Hey look, brother Hamperton is listening to Kid Rock I bet. I guess I can too!' I don't want to be a stumbling block. We're called to be separate you know."

But the THiPhone, developed by a joint venture between the Science and Communications departments at P.C.C., promises to provide all of the functions of the iPhone but without the "evil" things normally associated with it. The THiPhone has many of the same features as the iPhone but with the following changes.

• Like the popular "ePhod" the THiPhone will not play any songs with "bad" music, such as music with offbeats, hand clapping or distorted guitars.
• The THiPhone comes pre-installed with a mobile version of Net Finney to prevent any Calvinist or Reformed websites from being visited.
• The THiPhone will play videos but only recorded services from the P.C.C. campus church.
• The THiPhone's camera can only take pictures of modest clothing or the P.C.C. campus.

There are also features that allow P.C.C. students to report other students who might be engaged in "rebellion" such as using the telephone in someone else's room or walking on the grass or speaking favorably of the Puritans. 

The THiPhone's release is planned for this fall with a starting price of $399.

Missionaries Help New Churches "Worship Properly" with Projectors

Since the beginning of modern missions Western missionaries have been helping newly converted indigenous peoples learn how to "worship properly." In the late 1800's through the early part of the 20th-century, missionaries took Western instruments and worship materials with them to the four corners of the earth. Since all of the primitive instruments of the pagans were base and vulgar, and too deeply tied to idolatry to be used in a godly way, missionaries often took pump-organs since they had never been used for any sinful purposes.

As time passed, missionaries learned to help the poor pagans "sing properly" teaching them that four-part hymns are the only proper mode of musical worship. Soon the evil practices of singing with drums, singing in odd meters, or using indigenous tonality were done away with as newly converted tribes-people were taught the finest translated works of Ira Sanky.

Eventually, some missionaries began to take pianos, the "holiest" of all instruments, because it had essentially no "evil baggage" at all, having never been used by ungodly people in ungodly ways to play ungodly music. Once on the field, they set about to teach the pagans that their flutes and drums and stringed instruments could not be used because of their "wicked connotations." But now, in this age of modern technology and travel, a new "essential instrument" has emerged on the scene helping converted pagans now "worship properly." That "instrument" is the projector.

Called by some simply as a "Power Point Projector" after Microsoft's popular Power Point presentation software, a projector can be hooked up to a computer, DVD player or even a television and then projected on a screen or wall to allow a large number of people to view something. The projector has become very popular over the last 15 years in many churches in America and the West for use during worship. The words to praise songs are projected up on the screen where everyone in a congregation can see them and sing.

"Ever time we come back to the States for a visit we buy more projectors" said Brent Howell, a missionary to rural parts of South America. "Many of these people we are trying to reach come from oral traditions, where they learn their songs by rote. Many who become believers keep on trying to do that, memorizing songs and teaching them to others. But it's important that these people really know how to worship properly, and that is done by having a projector hooked up to a computer so that everyone can see the words."

Others like Howell are taking the same position. Peter Leiken of New Awareness Missions spoke to TBNN about their latest efforts to raise money for projection screens in Asia.

"When we send out our missionaries now we always send them out with a new projector to take to the field," said Leiken. "Projectors have become so much smaller and more compact over the years that it's very easy to take even two or three. But what's most important here is helping these new church planting movements so that people can worship in right ways."

Also along with every projector NAM also supplies a solar cell so that the projector can be used in areas where electricity is not available.

"We are focusing over a million dollars on our projector ministry for 2008," said Leiken. "Our next focus is the projection screen itself. We're able to take it to some places already, but it's very difficult. That's our next most urgent need. Until then some our people will just have to keep projecting things onto walls, which isn't best, but it will have to do for now."

iPod/Zune Disagreement Dividing Church

Wake Forrest, Id - The members of South Woods Baptist Church are deeply worried over the future of their church these days. Some members have already left the church while others are on the verge. The problem has gotten so bad that the church is close to splitting right down the middle.

The trouble all centers around two small electronic devices, the popular Apple iPod and Microsoft's competition device known as the "Zune." The problems began almost a year ago when the church's Assistant Pastor, Trey Waters, was preaching during the vacation of Senior Pastor Albert Weissen. Waters reportedly used his Zune to make an illustration during the sermon and while doing so he called it "the greatest little electronic device he'd ever seen." This apparently upset a number of people in the congregation who were devout iPod users.

"He had no business saying that," said Erica Pinkerton, a member of the church. "The iPod was out long before Bill Gates and his crew decided to jump in with that flimsily Zune thing. And what kind of stupid name is 'Zune' anyway?"

Upon returning from his vacation word got around to Weissen, a devout iPod user, about what Waters had said. Weissen immediately confronted Waters about the issue informing him that he had offended a number of members in the congregation over his comments and needed to retract them. Waters refused stating that he could "not take back the truth." This apparently did not sit well with Weissen, and so during his first sermon back Weissen decided to do an illustration of his own. The title of Weissen's sermon was "Be not deceived!" during which he held up his iPod and proceeded to show how one could be easily deceived by a "counterfeit" product that claims to be as good but really is "a piece of flashy trash."

While Weissen seemed content with his sermon afterwards it too produced some unexpected consequences. As it turns out a number of people in the congregation had taken Waters' advice and purchased a Zune during the week. Having been pleased with their purchases they too were "deeply offended" by the illustration. As a result the church is now divided almost 50-50 between iPod users who want to follow Weissen and Zune users who want to follow Waters.

"We've got ourselves in quite a mess now," said deacon Martin Thompson, one of the few members who hasn't take any side in the controversy. "We've got to get something worked out here before our church is totally ripped apart."

Upon the completion of this story TBNN has also learned that a small faction of Sony MP3 player users have begun following the youth pastor which brings yet another complicated dimension to the story.

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Church Adds "i" in Front of Everything, Attendance Skyrockets

Northfolk, Indiana - "Welcome to iChurch," so the greeting goes on a typical Sunday morning for the worshipers of iBaptist in Northfolk. Sitting amongst the congregation it is hard to imagine that just 7 months ago this now thriving congregation was on the brink of closing her doors. But out of a deacon's meeting back in June of 2007 came a revitalization campaign that in less than a year has turned the church into one of the fastest growing churches in the state of Indiana.  

The concept of "iChurch" was proposed by 35 year-old pastor Steve Works.  During the meeting Works spoke to his fellow deacons about the need for change.

"The meeting was getting tense" said Works.  "We had been discussing for a long time how we could revive the church.  Attendance had been dropping for over ten years, and if the trend continued we were going to have to close our doors before long.  So I spoke up in the meeting and said 'Brother's, church has become complicated.  We're not very user friendly anymore. We have so many complicated committees, programs, so many decorations all around the church, etc.  It's high time we got back to the basics.'"

The Deacons listened intently as Works shared his vision for the congregation.

"Walk through our town and what do you see?" asked Works.  "You see a vista of Church spires, large beautiful buildings, and ours in among them, but things are so complicated in those churches.  Congregations are breaking down and freezing up in their callings.  Sometimes people aren't compatible, and  ministerial staffs are having to spend countless hours trying to resolve problems.  We need a program here that works, somethings that's simple and clean."

Works continued to speak for over an hour, and at the end of the meeting the deacons unanimously voted to adopt Works' plan of action.  Over the course of a month, changes were made throughout the church.  The congregation voted to rename itself simply "iBaptist."  Next they removed their steeple and painted the entire church, both inside and out in basic black, white, grey and light blue colors.  Pews were replaced with sleek rounded metal chairs.  A simple white podium replaced the pulpit.  The stain glass windows were replaced with plain clear glass, and any and all pictures and images were removed from the iSanctuary.  

"The change to our name and our physical facilities alone brought a sudden sharp increase in our attendance" said Works.  "Two months after we implemented the iChurch program we had almost 75 new people attending."

But the changes did not stop there.  The church eliminated all committees, and replaced them with iGroups.  The Sunday School Program was renamed iSunday, and was restructured into three basic programs, iShufflers for children 1 and younger, iNanos for children between the ages of 2 and 16, and iClassics, divided into two sub-groups of 16 - 40 and 60 - 120.  

Next, the worship service was revamped completely.  On a typical Sunday morning now the iChoir will sing an iAnthem and the congregation will sing 3-4 iHymns.  Pastor Works prays iPrayers and preaches an iSermon during which he wows the congregation by using a large HD display screen installed behind him to 'introduce new and exciting truths.'

"We just love it" said new member Barry Clemens.  "Things are so simple and user friendly.  There are less distractions, and things are clean and stable."

"The program has worked" said Works.  "In just seven months iBaptist has grown from 54 people to almost 700 on a typical Sunday.  We are also excited because in just a few months we're going to upgrade our iWorship to a new level we call 'Lion and Lamb.'  It's going to make the whole worship experience even more powerful and easier to use."

Church Holds Day of Prayer for "Persecuted Blogs"

Sally, Indiana - Ellen Crossworth, a young mother of four loves her hobby of blogging. Each day, faithfully she gets up early, fixes herself a cup of coffee and sits down to read her Bible. After that she dutifully sits down in front of her computer and updates her blog site. It is a simple site entitled "Cross Words" and is comprised mainly of her thoughts and inspirations she finds daily in Scripture. Over the past two years she has gained a daily readership of about 75 persons. While not a huge number, for Crossworth she feels it is an accomplishment.

"I'm not a so-called uber-blogger by any means" she says. "But it's exciting to know that there are about 75 people out there that think of me every day, and that what I'm writing is actually impacting someone's life. That really blesses me to think about."

But lately Crossworth has found herself a little "down" about her blog. The trouble all started about two weeks ago when an anonymous commenter began making upsetting statements about her blog.

"There was this one commenter who started replying to posts, telling me how stupid I was" she said. "He called me ugly, and said that I was a 'weak-minded fool.' That really hurts and cuts me to the quick."

Unfortunately for many Christian bloggers, Crossworth's story is not unique. With a rise in the popularity of blogging over the past five years, many people are having the face the harsh reality that not everyone likes what they are saying.

"I get hate emails now" said Lucas Thompson, whose blog, Theology for Today averages almost 900 hits per day. "People leave nasty comments all of the time. People curse me out. I've even had death threats."

With the popularity of blogging becoming even more and more widespread in Christian circles, many churches have begun to address the issue of "the persecuted blog." Crossworth's own home church of Temple Baptist has taken this issue to heart.

"We know from Scripture that those who seek to live truly Christian lives will face persecution" stated Crossworth's pastor, Andrew Perry. "The blogosphere is no exception to this. Here are the faithful servants going out there day after day, fighting for the truth only to be ridiculed and scorned by the masses."

So, in an effort to raise awareness around the world, Temple Baptist held its first annual "Day of Prayer for Persecuted Blogs" this past Sunday.

"The whole service was a tremendous success" stated Perry. "We sang lots of praise songs with a blogging theme such as It is Written, and Thy Word is a Lamp unto My Feet. We even had one of our own praise band members write a new song for the occasion entitled I Will Never Stop Blogging About You. I gave a special message about persecution, and at the end of the service we had an especially moving time when we all joined hands and gathered around worship center and prayed for persecuted bloggers throughout the world."

"It was moving" said Crossworth. "Everyone was so encouraging to me telling me to 'Never give up' and 'keep fighting the good fight of the blogosphere.' I couldn't have been more moved."

Youth Pastors Everywhere Praise Halo 2 - "Bible Edition"

Bellevue, Wa - Youth ministers across the United States eagerly awaited Thursday's unveiling of Microsoft's latest game for their popular Xbox 360. The program? A modified version of the already popular video game Halo 2, only with Bible verses added. First reactions to the product were almost unanimously positive.

"I think it's a tremendous idea" said Michael Redmond, youth minister at Twin Oaks Church of God in Lexington, Kentucky. "The guys in our youth group spend two, three, sometimes five hours a day playing Halo, and probably no time reading their Bibles. Now they can play Halo and still get a fresh dose of God's Word each day."

"This is what I've been waiting for for a long time" said David Kia, youth pastor at Bayside Presbyterian Church in Seattle, Washington. "Now the kids can read their Bibles and still have fun!"

The "campaign" version of the popular video game is set in a fantasy future world in which a lone hero must conquer an alien force that is seeking to destroy the earth. But most players often prefer to play against one another in rounds known as "slayer" or capture the flag. In these instances players either play against one another on the same machine or on multiple machines via the internet or LAN connections. At times as many as twenty to thirty players can be in a match against one another. Halo 2 Bible Edition combines the regular version of the game with Bible verses that appear on the screen at various times, often complimenting the battle scene.

While parents, especially Christian parents, have often wrestled with the morality of the game, with Halo 2 Bible Edition many parents are feeling a greater sense of comfort.

"It used to bother me that he played that game so much" said Elizabeth Grimes of her 13 year-old son Danny. "He would sometimes wake up on a Saturday and play all day long without stopping. He never read his Bible either. But now I'm much more at ease. With those Bible verses always flashing up there I can be assured that he's getting a good dose of the Good Book. I ask him every day now 'Danny, have you played your Halo today?' and if I don't think he's played enough I make him go in there and sit down and play some more."

"Two Sunday nights a month we're going to do away with Sunday night Bible study altogether and just have a Halo tournament" stated Redmond. "It's definitely a much more exciting way to learn about the Bible."

Microsoft founder and CEO Bill Gates commented on the new release
Gates. "What we've simply done here is catered to a particular audience of people, specifically Christians, by incorporating these verses into the game."

Gates went on to further state that more editions of the game are in the works for other religions.

"We are working on a number of other Halo 2 versions such as the Buddhist version where no one gets killed, they simply give food to one another. The one we're most excited about is the Halo 2 Jihad Edition where you get to kill all of the infidels. We think that one's going to be a hit."