Satire From the Future: Pastor Preaches Gospel

April 3, 2047 - New York, Ny - Many of the members of Southpoint Follower of Jesus Assembly are still in a state of shock and confusion over Sunday's sermon by pastor Richie Hermon. Many are wondering if Hermon, who has been the pastor of SJFA for almost 20 years now, has lost his touch with reality. According to worship participants the service was going fine until Hermon got up to "preach."

"Everything was going along just fine, like it usually does" said member Patrica Kline. "The multimedia worship was wonderful and uplifting. Michael the youth pastor flew in to the service and impressed us with a holographic display. Someone sang a wonderful solo of Your Best Life Now and one of our ladies offered an interpretive dance to the story of the rich man and Lazarus. That was all well and good, but then Richie stood up to 'preach' and everything just went nuts."

As it turns out Hermon decided to stand up when he preached rather than reclining on a couch. This immediately made many people feel imposed upon and uncomfortable. The next thing Hermon did that was so shocking was that he actually had a copy of a Bible with him, opening it and reading from it which people also found dogmatic, close-minded and judgmental. After than he then proceeded to read passages from the Bible, commenting on sections of scripture and making application.

"It was the most bizarre spectacle I've ever seen" said Martin Roberts, a member of SFJA. "We all just sat in our seats shocked and dismayed at what was going on. Richie was up there reading from this book and telling people how to live. He was saying things like 'Only in Christ can we be saved' and 'Our words and deeds reflect what's in our hearts.' We just all felt so judged and looked down upon. I even spilled my beer!"

After the service many threatened to leave. Hermon was unavailable for comment.

Frustrated Monsters Everywhere Join the "Emerging Lurch" Movement

They might be "creepy" and "kooky, mysterious and spooky," but lately they've been frustrated and discouraged. Recently a growing number of monsters all around the world have become increasingly dissatisfied with traditional monsterdom and have begun to look elsewhere to discover more about themselves and who they are.

The trend began about five years ago when Lurch, best known for his portrayal of the character "Lurch" on the Addams Family TV show, emerged stating that he was "tired" of playing the traditional roll of a monster in today's postmodern and changing world.

"Traditional monsterdom has got to change" said Lurch. "We're tired of being told what a monster should be like. Maybe I don't want to walk around all stiff-necked, grunting all the time. Maybe I'm tired of scaring little kids to death, or creeping out the neighbors. I know that those have been the traditional views of what a monster should be, but I don't think it can be that black and white anymore. It's time to start challenging these views. Conversation needs to start in these areas."

When Lurch made his feelings public he had no idea the stir that they would cause. Soon, several hundred monsters came out in support of Lurch's movement, then several thousand. Now tens of thousands of monsters have joined what has become known as "The Emerging Lurch Movement."

"We meet wherever and whenever we can now" said Lockhart Schmidt, a zombie from Tennessee. "It used to be that we'd always have to meet out in the woods somewhere in the middle of the night with a full moon and fog and all that jazz. Now a group of us will get together on a Friday night at Starbucks or a local pub and have a beer or two...or five while we talk about what it means to be a follower of monsterdom."

"The whole point of this is that each of us must figure out for his or her or its self what it means to be a monster" said Lurch. "We don't try to give all of the answers. Each one must find his or her or its own path, and come to his or her or its own conclusions. Is that messy thinking? Absolutely, but we cherish the messiness. Doing monstrology is messy business. I don't think we can simply systematize a whole philosophy like some try to do."

As the movement spreads, groups plan to hold various activities to attract more participants from the monster world.

"We're trying to reach out to those who have been possibly hurt by traditional monster groups" said Lurch. "We want to help them break free of the mold. We want to setup meditation seminars, and possibly build some labyrinths for people to walk, or even bring in some Gurus to do Yoga or something. We are encouraging monsters everywhere to explore their own paths as followers of monsterdom."

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Zondervan Launches the "Whatever Bible"

Grand Rapids, Michigan - Zondervan Publishing announced on Thursday the release of their latest "Bible version" called the "Whatever Bible." The Whatever Bible is unique in that it is not really a "Bible" at all in the strictest sense. Rather, it is a leather-bound collection of 500 blank pages upon which one can write whatever he or shee believes to be true. Zondervan will custom print a title on the front of the "Bible" for no extra charge.

"We believe this will open the Bible market out there to people who wouldn't traditionally be attracted to reading the Bible" said Kurt James, the editor for the project. "Instead of trying to bind people to one belief system, we believe it is important for people to come up with their own thoughts for their faith journey."

According to Zondervan, the Whatever Bible will allow each person who buys it to essentially "write their own" Bible, putting down on paper what they think is most important. This might include passages from the Christian Bible, the Koran or quotes from Buddha. One may also choose to write their own interpretive passages.

Thus far the idea is being received with much acclaim.

"This is what we've been waiting for!" said the Rev. Jacob Edmund, pastor of the First Unitarian Universalist Church of Grand Rapids. "My partner and I who co-pastor the church have always encouraged our members to think freely. Some bring the Bible to church but are not happy with all of it. Some bring the Koran, and other's bring Henry David Thoreau. But now people can write whatever they want into the book and it becomes their personal spiritual guide."

"I've already got mine ordered" said Tara Lynn Penter, member of All Souls United Church of Christ in Grand Rapids. "I can't wait to get it. I'm going to put some Bible quotes in there, but only those happy ones, none of that 'slay the wicked' business. And of course some Koran, got to keep Muhammad happy these days you know. And I've got some quotes from Highschool Musical and Sleepless in Seattle that I know will really inspire me when I read them for years to come."

The Whatever Bible comes in brown or black leather at a cost of $49.95.

Split Personality Pastor Has "Emerging Conversation" with Himself

Newark, New Jersey - The "followers of Jesus" of "The Pub" are deeply concerned about their teacher, Peter Trout. Trout, affectionately known as "Trouty," founded "The Pub" seven years ago when he and a group of friends began meeting at Brantly's Pub in downtown Newark on Friday nights for discussions about life, love and the Bible. They were small at first, with just seven or eight people coming, but within a years time the group had grown to twenty, and then to fifty. Two years later Brantly's Pub closed, and the group took the initiative to buy the building. By that time, Trout had become the de facto leader of the group, having completed three years of college, studied Yoga for several years, and having backpacked Europe for two summers in a row. And so Trout and his group simply renamed the building "The Pub" and continued meeting on Friday nights for several hours, with the only difference being that now the meetings were B.Y.O.B. (bring your own beer).

All seemed to be going well for the group. The Pub's "followers of Jesus" had grown to almost 200, and the "family" had finally managed to acquire a liquor license so that they could serve first timers who didn't have anything to drink. But during the last Friday meeting in July, something happened that now has The Pub's "followers" worried that their favorite hangout spot along with their cherished leader is going to fall apart.

The trouble began the night of July 27th. The Pub had booked the group Allison Chains, a 90's grunge/alternative cover band to play for their evening "hang out time." The group played for almost two hours and then Trout stood up to speak. It was then that, "members" say, he just "lost it."

"I don't know what happened with the man" said one 'member' who simply calls himself 'The Parable.' "Trouty got up and started talking all this weird stuff about being obedient to the Bible and actually basing everything we believe on it. He then went into some tirade about our mouths reflecting what's in our heart. Everyone was just standing around really bummed out. I didn't know if I was hearing things right, I mean, I had had about 4 pints by that time, so maybe I just was confused, or maybe I just was confused, or confused or something, like something."

Trout spoke for almost a solid hour, during which time he cited numerous commentaries and quoted the Puritans. After he finished he stepped off of the stage for about thirty seconds only to return a with a completely different demeanor.

"When Trouty got done everyone was totally in shock" said Heather Lilly. "But then he got back on the stage and started going into this impassioned plea for people to keep an open mind and not to set fixed standards. He shouted, slamming on the Puritans and was cussing them out. That was the Trouty we all knew and loved."

When members of the congregation approached Trout after the service he responded totally dumbfounded to what they were talking about.

"I ask Trouty if everything he had said was some kind of joke or something and he said 'like what are you talking about man?' " Said The Parable. "It was like he didn't even know what had happened."

Ever since that fateful Friday night at The Pub, the "followers" have watched on a weekly basis as Trout has seemed to have developed a two-for-one personality, constantly having an "emerging conversation" with himself.

"We're all so worried about Trouty" said Lilly. "The other day I called him up and one minute he's cussing himself out, and the next minute he's preaching to himself about the need for sound Biblical doctrine. I just don't know what we're going to do. We all love Trouty so much, and we'd hate to see him turn orthodox or something."

Several of the "followers of Jesus" at The Pub have recently come together in an effort to approach Trout to help him. But the "followers" are uncertain of what lies ahead.

"When we go to talk to him, we don't know which Trouty we're going to get" said The Parable. "It's all going to depend on which one of him is talking during his inner conversation. Our hope is to interrupt that conversation at just the right time."

Coming Soon to the Tominthebox News Network

Coming soon to the Tominthebox News Network, a poorly drawn cheaply done cartoon about three friends determined to turn the church upside down.

You'll enjoy the exciting adventures of Ricky Relativism, with his home-spun relevant interpretations of the Bible. Neo Nate with his all-organic, veganesque wholesome goodness. And Cussy McFoul, complete with U2 enabled iPod.

Don't miss a moment of the post-modern action! Coming in May to the Tominthebox News Network.