Fred Phelps Accidentally Anathematizes Himself

Topeka, Kansas - The Reverend Fred Phelps in a recent televised exchange on Fox News' The O'Rilley Factor put himself in an awkward position of self-anathematazation.

Phelps, who is most well-known for his church's pickets of the funerals of fallen soldiers and his websites, godhatesfags.com, godhatesamerica.com, godhatessweeden.com and other like them, has often made statements in the past invoking God's wrath upon whole groups of people and/or nations. The current Phelps "Irreversibly Damned" list includes,

-America
-Sweeden
-England
-All of congress
-All of the United States Military

...just to name a few.

While blanket statements of anathematization are not new to Phelps and his group of followers, he has often been careful to make an exception for himself and his congregation. But during the interview with host Bill O'Rilley Phelps became visibly annoyed when asked about his home state of Kansas and apparently spoke too hastily. The transcript is as follows.

[O'Rilley] "What about your home state of Kansas, I know your group has protested funerals there, what do the locals think of you?"

[Phelps] "Kansas is the seat of Satan! The entire state and all its citizens are under the wrath of God and are irreversibly damned."

[O'Rilley] "But you're a citizen of Kansas Mr. Phelps, so that includes you too, right?"

At this point in the interview Phelps looked shocked, and did not respond for several seconds. When questioned again by O'Rilley Phelps simply responded, "This interview is over!"

The statement by Phelps presents an interesting dilemma for the pastor. Phelps, a self-proclaimed "prophet like Elijah" has often professed to be the sole voice of truth in the entire world today. Thus, he believes his statements of anathema to be almost infallible, and irrefutable. Ero an admission of error by Phelps in such a statement would bring into question all of the other previous statements of anathema that he has made.

If indeed Phelps has truly anathematized himself it also presents an interesting paradox. The question arises that if the anathematizer is himself anathema then does that negate his previous anathematizations? Many fear an answer to the question could unravel the space-time continuum.

TBNN tried to reach Phelps for comment at his home in Topeka, Kansas, but a woman who answered the phone said that He was "unavailable" and to "call back later."

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Ruckman Denies the Existence of Greece

PENSACOLA, FLORIDA

He is known as the often rancorous and forceful defender of the King James Version of the Bible. His books and writings regarding the subject of modern translations and other theological topics are controversial to many, inflammatory to some. He states emphatically and unapologetically that the King James Version of the Bible is itself perfect and inspired. He further opposes any efforts to examine either Hebrew or Greek texts in Biblical exegesis and attempt at a modern translation of the Scriptures. Over all Peter S. Ruckman of the Pensacola Bible Institute is no stranger to a rousing fight.

While most of his opponents are not surprised by his dogmatic statements and assertions, his latest statement has left many with their jaws "hitting the floor."

"After much research and prayer it is my conclusion that there's no such place as Greece and, consequently, there is no such thing as the Greek language." Said Ruckman in his latest book The Conspiracy of the Evangelical Apostates. "Anyone who believes in Greece is part of the Alexandrian Cult seeking to undermine the authority of the Authorized Version of 1611."

Ruckman's book also includes his own "map" of the Mediterranean region which, as he states, gives "irrefutable proof that there's no such place as Greece."

But despite such "evidence" many are not persuaded that Ruckman is correct including Karolous Argyris of Greece.

"I'm not understanding this, is this supposed to be a joke?" Said Argyris. "I don't have time to even acknowledge such things."

Ruckman's assertion serves to support his position that since there is no Greece there can be no Greek language, and thus what we know as "Greek" was, as he states, invented by the "Alexandrian Cult" about 3,500 years ago with the express purpose to undermine the validity of the Authorized Version that would be translated some 3,000 years later in 1611.

"There is no doubt in my mind that this scheme was cooked up in antiquity by Satan to cause confusion and to deceive millions," Ruckman states "and for centuries he's achieved his goal. Now it's time to get back to the real original manuscript, The King James 1611."

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Phelps Runs Out of People to Anathematize

TOPEKA, KANSAS

Known for his aggressive, provocative and often controversial style of "preaching," the Rev. Fred Phelps, pastor of Westboro Baptist Church in Topeka, Kansas, has found his "ministry" faced with a new problem.

"Everyone except us is irreversibly damned." Said Phelps, "I suppose I'm going to have to start examining some members of our own congregation to see if perhaps I can find anything wrong with them to declare them reprobates."

Phelps' church is notorious for their world-wide pickets of politicians, religious figures, and most controversial of all, the funerals of fallen U.S. soldiers. In addition to pickets, Phelps' congregation maintains numerous websites, the most infamous being godhatesfags.com, and the lesser-known godhatesamerica.com, godhatescanada.com and godhatessweden.com.

Recently, though, Phelps has found himself disheartened with no one left to Anathematize.

"It's just a big downer. Everyone is going to hell except us. I mean, I'm glad they're all going to hell, I just miss telling people that. When we anathematized Canada, Sweden, America, Europe, Africa, Asia, South America, Australia, by default everyone in those countries was declared irreversibly damned. I suppose we should have taken things one city at a time, it would have gone on longer that way."

When this reporter mentioned that he had left out Antarctica, Phelps' eyes brightened. "That's right! All those perverts working at science stations down there!"