31 March, 2008

California Court Rules "Parents Have No Rights to Raise Their Kids"

Berkeley, Ca - In a shocking turn of events a Berkeley California Court has ruled that parents in the state have no legal rights to raise their own kids. The ruling was handed down on Wednesday by Judge William LaHelm. The ruling comes just weeks after a controversy concerning a law that threatened the legality of homeschooling. Those in support of that law also supported the recent ruling.

"Times are different these days than they were 200 years ago," said LaHelm in his ruling. "It is clear that parents are incapable of taking care of their own children. So many kids are being brainwashed with religious superstition, hate and discrimination against homosexuals, and other nonsense. This is now a job for the government to take care of to ensure the peace and order of our society."

The law has not yet gone into effect, and numerous court battles are expected. But if the law passes parents will be required to deliver their kids to specified locations where they will be taken into the custody of the state.

"If the law takes effect, parents will have one month to get everything together for their kids" said state representative Mary Harrington-Long. "The state will setup special boarding schools where kids will be taught the importance of tolerance, justice and veganism."

TBNN has learned that plans are already on the table for the building of 2200 new boarding schools as well as converting older schools into the new boarding facilities. Children will remain in the schools until the age of 18 when they will be free to leave. During their tenure at the schools they will learn important subjects such as environmentalism, womyn's rights, alternative lifestyles and the best of Cher's music.

"This shows tremendous progress for our great state," said Berkeley City Council member Patrick Winn. "I believe that children are our future, so we need to teach them well and let them lead the way, we need to show them all the beauty they posses inside."

26 March, 2008

Man Sees Image of Toast in Virgin Mary Picture

Chicago, Il - Hundreds of people are lined up outside of Terry Jenkins' apartment to see what some are calling "a miracle." The 45-year-old construction worker and life-long resident of Chicago is fast becoming a celebrity in his home city because of a startling discovery he made last week while praying. According to Jenkins he was praying while looking at a 5x5 picture of Mary in his apartment when something caught his eye.

"I had never noticed it before but there was something strange behind Mary's left hand in the picture," said Jenkins. "As I gazed at the picture and examined it closely it became clear that what I was seeing looked exactly like a piece of toast, just like the kind you would make for breakfast."

Jenkins immediately called several of his friends to come see what he had discovered. After several minutes of looking at the picture they all agreed also that it appeared that Mary was coving a piece of toast with her left hand. Word quickly began to get around the community. Soon people were showing up at Jenkins' door asking to see the picture.

As of Tuesday, over 900 people had come by to see the image. While some are skeptical, many are convinced that the appearance of the toast is indeed a miracle.

"It is a marvelous and wondrous thing that toast would appear to us in a picture of the Virgin," said Maria Sanchez, one of the spectators. "It is obviously white bread, only lightly toasted, perhaps with a little light spread of butter or margarine on top. I can only see the corner of the toast, so I don't know if there's any jam in the center or not."

24 March, 2008

Pope's Radical Call for Peace Shocks World

Vatican City - On Sunday during traditional Easter celebrations at St. Peter's Basilica Pope Benedict XVI shocked the World by calling for "peace." During his homily the Pope took the opportunity to make statements some have considered "historical" and "unprecedented," calling for peace in Iraq, Tibet and the Holy Land. He also took the opportunity to make other profound statements denouncing hatred, violence and injustice, causing many in attendance to repent upon hearing his words. World leaders also hailed the call as "an historical moment in the history of mankind."

"It is clear to me now as it has never been before" said Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez during his weekly television broadcast to his nation. "All this time I've been trying to rally this country against the United States and its allies, but I've been wrong. As the Pope said, we simply need to be at peace and stop being selfish. These are wise words. Let's just stop being selfish and hateful. I don't know why we didn't think of it before."

After his television address Chavez lived up to his own words by sending President Bush a dozen roses and a CD of Bette Midler's greatest hits. President Bush responded by saying, "I appreciate this show of friendship and commerraderany between our two nations."

Other world leaders reacted similarly to the Pope's words. Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad issued a full apology to Israel for anything negative he has said in the past, expressing a desire to enter into full diplomatic relations with the country. North Korean President Kim Jong Il immediately relinquished power and turned full control of North Korea over to the South Korean government. And Chinese leaders denounced communism releasing all political prisoners and granted Tibet full independence. And for the first time that anyone can remember Israelis an Palestinians simply put aside their differences and embraced in the streets while singing "That's What Friends are For."

"All this time it was so simple" said Fidel Castro, former President of Cuba in a commentary published in a Havana newspaper. "All we simply had to do was stop being mean, selfish and hateful, and suddenly world peace breaks out. Oh if I'd only known years ago, nay decades ago that we as humans simply possessed within ourselves the ability to just stop doing what is wrong and live in perfect peace with one another. How many lives could have been spared the pain."

21 March, 2008

Christian Leaders Ask Congress to "Take Care of Hell"

Washington D.C. - The issue of hell has always been a touching subject for Christians. Some over the years have been accused of focusing exclusively on the issue, often terrifying masses of people into conversions, while others have shied away from the subject even denying the existence of hell altogether. Few, it seems, have preached a balance of God's judgment and mercy together. But recently a new approach has been taken on hell, and a number of prominent Christian leaders from across the country are trying to get the government involved. Their mission: destroy hell completely and then no one can go there.

"Many have tried to escape the hell subject by denying its existence," said Rev. James Hutton, pastor of St. Vincent Episcopal Church in Ceaderville, MD. "While that idea sounds tantalizing, it's just not practical. There's just too much evidence that hell exists, so I must sadly agree that there is such a place. But that doesn't mean we can't do something about it."

Hutton is one of five pastors who testified before a Senate hearing on Thursday to petition the United States government to begin working on a plan to eliminate hell once and for all. The five pastors arrived at the hearing with letters from over 6,000 Christian pastors across the country who want the United States government to handle this issue.

"I think hell is a major security problem for our country," said Rev. Shela Leslie-Pinkerton, of First United Church of Christ, Long Island, New York. "The United States possesses the technology and resources to take care of this problem so that no one will ever be faced with the fear of going to hell again."

The five pastors have proposed a plan of action that includes three basic steps. First, the military will construct devices able to drill down through the earth until hell is reached. Secondly, a series of nuclear blasts will be set off to destroy the overall infrastructure of hell. Finally, hell will be inundated with liquid nitrogen, essentially freezing hell over.

"Once we remove the threat of hell all of humanity will benefit," said Hutton during his testimony. "It will also improve our standing amongst the international community. Just think of how popular we will be for doing this. With hell gone, people will finally be freed from fears of the afterlife to live peacefully and serve each other in love simply for the betterment of the human spirit."

20 March, 2008

Churches in India Divided over Federal Vision

Remunda, India - For over 10 years pastor Isia Cinjam has led a small flock of Christian believers in the little Indian village of Remunda. He became a believer almost 20 years ago when he encountered Australian missionaries in his home city of New Delhi. After working in the church there for several years he felt a strong calling to take the gospel to some of the unreached peoples in his country. So moved to the small, remote village of Remunda in India's east, not far from the coastline of the Indian Ocean. For about 5 years he lived among the people, every day sharing with them the good news of the gospel.

"One by one God opened hearts," Cinjam told TBNN. "I labored for so long with no results and then suddenly one day people began to show up at my house asking me about the gospel, asking me about Jesus. People wanted to become Christians!"

Almost overnight Cinjam's church began to grow until he had 30 converts regularly coming to services and being discipled. For the last 10 years he has seen members come and go, but a steady flow of new converts has kept him encouraged. But recently, a controversy has arisen within his church that now threatens to divide his small congregation.

"A new pastor named Aakash Chatura moved to Remunda about two years ago to start a work here," said Cinjam. "At first, I had no problem with this. There are many many lost people here who need the gospel, and I cannot do all of the work myself. I tried to work with him, and at first our relationship was good, but then I began to notice some of my people leaving our congregation and going to work with this other man. Soon they began to tell me strange things about baptism and communion."

It was not long before Cinjam became acquainted with a doctrinal system he had never heard of before known as the "Federal Vision." Cinjam is now concerned because the new teachings threaten to divide his church and the Christian believers in the village.

"We don't get anything productive done anymore it seems" said Cinjam. "Every time we get together for Bible study an argument starts about paedo-communion or the efficacy of the sacraments. Just the other day two of our brothers Narendra and Parmeet spent two hours arguing about the inner-trinitarian covenant and the visible and invisible church. When it was all over Narendra was accusing Parmeet of being a sacerdotalist! It really got ugly."

For now Cinjam does not know what he is going to do exactly.

"I'm trying to maintain peace amongst my people and keep my small church together, but it's getting harder and harder. Pastor Chatura keeps giving my people all of these strange books, and the latest is some book by a guy named N.T Wright about Paul. I just pray for wisdom in these matter."

19 March, 2008

Oliver Stone Presents "Three Testament" Theory

Hollywood, Ca - Film director and screenwriter Oliver Stone announced on Tuesday that he is currently casting for an upcoming film about the Bible called The Lost Testament. Stone, whose controversial 1991 film JFK presented the theory that there was a second gunman in the Kennedy assassination, began work four years ago on the film because of a personal conviction that something "just didn't seem right" about the apparent "contradictions" between the Old and New Testament. An Episcopalian turned Buddhist, Stone argues that there has to be more information out there that bridges the gap between the "God of Wrath" in the Old Testament and the "Jesus of Mercy" in the New Testament.

"I'm not a Christian, but I read the Bible," said Stone during an interview with TBNN. "I think there are some very valuable things in the Bible about love and kindness and compassion. But I cannot help but think that there's something missing between Malachi and Matthew. Of course, I've read the Apocrypha, but that doesn't even sufficiently answer some of these questions that I have. In the Old Testament people are being swallowed up by the ground, fire is coming out of the sky, whole cities are destroyed. And when I read in the New Testament Jesus is talking about mercy, loving your enemies and forgiving others."

As a result The Lost Testament presents the theory that there is a missing "Middle Testament" that makes sense of why, as Stone says "God changed." TBNN has already learned that Kevin Costner has been brought out of obscurity to play the lead roll of Dr. Jeff Padget, a Baptist preacher who goes on a quest to find the "missing testament." Along the way he comes to not only tolerate but embrace homosexuality, abortion and Islam, becoming the first Baptist/Islamic minister in the world. His quest finally takes him to Berkley, California where he supposedly finds all of the answers of life he's ever looked for.

"I think this film will really revolutionize the religious views of many out there," said Stone. "There has to be something that connects the Old and the New, and I think most people have never crossed that bridge, they've just jumped from one side to the other. We're hoping to find that bridge, or either make one up out of our own imaginations."

The Lost Testament is due to be released in December of 2008, just in time for the Christmas season.

17 March, 2008

"Bible Bow Tie" Not Getting Deserved Recognition

Spokane, Wa - The subject always seems to frustrate Pastor William Conner, especially in an election year.

"All we ever hear about is the 'Bible Belt, Bible Belt, Bible Belt'" said Conner. "Every television commentator talks about how the candidates did in the 'Bible Belt' but no one ever mentions us. It's as if we don't exist up here!"

The "we" to which Conner is referring is the little known area of the country some call the "Bible Bow Tie." The Bible Bow Tie is a small geographic area of Eastern Washington state and the Northern stem of Idaho which has a high concentration of evangelical conservative Christians. Few people seem to be aware of this area of the country as it is almost always eclipsed by the much larger area of the Southeast known as the "Bible Belt." But Conner is pushing to change this.

"We are a strong and growing region" Conner told TBNN. "Each year the number of evangelical Christians in the the Bible Bowtie grows by eight percent, and that's pretty significant. We also have had a strong influence over the years in the politics of our respective states pushing for more conservative agendas. I think it's time for the candidates to give us a little attention this year."

Conner has spent a considerable amount of time petitioning the major cable and broadcast news networks to run stories about the Bible Bowtie, hoping to draw attention to the region, but as of yet, none have responded to Conner's requests.

"We're not going to give up" said Conner. "Right now we're just a bow tie, but at our current rate of growth, that image could change. Already with some of the new areas that are developing we are poised to become the Bible Tank-top by 2016."

14 March, 2008

Chinese House Churches Adopt KJV-Only Position

Zhongmu, China - A recent flurry of theological change has swept the Chinese secretive house church movement. A Chinese pastor, simply known as "Pastor Zheng" (full name withheld for safety reasons) told TBNN that because of recent convictions after reading literature by prominent KJV-only advocates that he and most other house church pastors have come to the conclusion that the King James Version of the Bible is the only accurate Bible in the entire world.

"The arguments are very obvious and the conclusions more serious" said Zheng. "After reading literature by such persons as Dr. Ruckman and Mrs. Riplinger I cannot help but say that the King James Bible is the only true Bible in the world today. All other translations, including our own Chinese translation must be corrupted, filled with errors. Therefore we in the house church movement of China will use only the King James Bible."

While Zheng is, overall, very excited about the change he does admit that there are some problems, namely that less than %0.10 of all house church attendees are able to understand English.

"My ability to speak English is rare amongst our people" said Zheng. "But that doesn't negate the fact that we must use this Bible no matter what. If we don't then no one can be saved."

Beginning last Sunday believers from all over the house church movement threw away their "corrupt" Chinese Bibles and picked up their brand new KJV 1611 editions that were passed out.

"I do not understand English" said one elderly woman through a translator. "But they say that this Bible I have here is the only true translation of the word, that it is perfect, and that if I want to go to heaven I must read from this Bible. It will be difficult because I am old, but I will try."

13 March, 2008

Unintelligible Man Speaks Clearly in Tongues

Pocataligo, SC - Everyone knows Donnie Lewis. The 58-year-old plumber from Pocataligo is always friendly and helpful to everyone in the community, at times making house calls in the middle of the night and refusing to charge his more elderly clients for work done. But while everyone loves and appreciates Lewis the fact remains that for as long as most people can remember no one has ever been able to understand him when he talks.

"He doesn't have a speech impediment or anything" said long-time friend Dorris Hinkle. "He just has this deep thick accent and tends to mumble out his words. I catch maybe ten to fifteen percent of what he says. But everyone loves him just the same. We just nod our heads and say 'Yeah, that's right' and kind of laugh when he says something."

Recently, though, something happened that has shocked and amazed almost everyone in the small South Carolina community. According to reports, two weeks ago during a "revival" service at the First Pentecostal Holiness Church of Pocataligo Lewis supposedly "received the gift of tongues" though in the most unexpected way.

"The service was really getting fired up" said Rev. Hal Abram, pastor of FPHC. "Donnie was sitting down there on the front row and I saw him with his hands raised in the air talking. But even over the noise I heard something, something that I had never heard before. I looked down and noticed that Donnie was talking and I could understand everything he was saying."

It wasn't long before the church became quiet and everyone in the congregation looked on and listened in amazement as Lewis stood in the church, eyes closed, hands raised to the air and spoke on perfect clear English.

"Everyone was dumbfounded" said Hinkle. "It was the first time I can ever remember completely understanding what Donnie was saying."

Lewis continued to speak for several minutes until he suddenly stopped, looked around at the crowd of people and proceeded to say something unintelligible to everyone. Since that day, Lewis has "received the gift" several more times, much to the delight and amazement of all of his friends.

"We look forward to every Sunday now" said friend Mark Holden. "After knowing Donnie all these years, it's just so nice to understand what he's saying. I just pray for him to speak in tongues more often."

10 March, 2008

The "Osteen Archive" Not Catching On

Houston, Tx - Parker Herrington makes no excuses for the fact that he is Joel Osteen's "Number One Fan." For years now, since Osteen took over his father's ministry at Lakewood Church in Houston, Herrington has been faithful to attend every service, read every book Osteen has written and to maintain a Joel Osteen fan club online.

"I guess he just inspires me" Herrington told TBNN. "His words are just so powerful and so rich that I cannot help but be uplifted and empowered to new heights."

Recently, as part of a planned expansion of the online Joel Osteen fan club, Herrington decided to add a new section to the site called The Osteen Archive. According to Herrington, he got his inspiration from the popular online website The Spurgeon Archive maintained by Phil Johnson, who is also known for his work with John MacArthur's ministry.

"I knew about the Spurgeon site" said Herrington. "I can't say I'm a real fan of the guy. I mean, I'm sure he's alright, but he's so complicated and not nearly as uplifting as pastor Joel. But the idea of posting all of a pastor's sermons online is a great idea, so I adopted it myself."

The site was launched last month with Herrington uploading transcriptions of some of Osteen's most popular sermons online. The initial list included,

Your Best Life Now
Your Life, Best Now
Your Really Best Life Now
Your Better and Best Life Now
Now is Your Best Life
Is Your Life Best Now?
Now, About Your Best Life...
Life is Your Best Now
Your Life Now, Best?
Best? Now Your Life
Best Now, Your Life

While Herrington expected a huge influx of hits, he was disappointed with the initial response, telling TBNN that "We've really only had several dozen hits in the first month. I had hoped for more, but it just doesn't seem to be catching on too well."

Herrington hopes the site will gain more popularity as time goes by. In the meantime he is already beginning work on his newest website The Creflo Dollar Archive due to be launched next month.

07 March, 2008

This Week in Photos 2/7/2008

Mary Claire Carpenter, a life-long member
of Long Roads Baptist Church can never 
seem to understand why the congregation
won't let her be a Sunday morning greeter.

During a press conference Senator and 
Presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton is
stumped by the old trick question "Is the 
book of Hezekiah in the Old or New 

Eco-Friendly churches in California began
experimenting with various ways to leave 
less of a carbon footprint in their worship.  
For starters one church removed all their pews.  

Concerned Christians everywhere took to the streets in 
protest over comical depictions of Pastor Joel Osteen by
one popular newspaper.

05 March, 2008

Ruckman Declares Himself to be "DOS 6.11-Only", Riplinger Writes Book on Subject

Pensacola, Fl - Dr. Peter S. Ruckman, the outspoken defender of the exclusivity of the King James Version of the Bible, declared in a recent article that DOS version 6.11 is "the only true and perfect operating system." In the article, which appeared in the March edition The Sword of Truth magazine, Dr. Ruckman was asked about which software he uses when he writes his books. Ruckman responded by saying,

"I exclusively use Word Star for DOS 6.11. The 6.11 version of DOS is pure and undefiled in every way. Take a look at today's new modern operating systems, and you'll clearly see that they are filled with errors and take away entire functions."

Ruckman, during the interview went on to say that all modern versions of operating systems are inventions of the "Alexandrian Cult," and utilize faulty programming languages.

"There's no need to reference all of these different programming languages" stated Ruckman. "Languages such as C, C+, Java, ABCL/1 and Agora, these are all tricks of Satan to deceive people about the truth and purity of DOS 6.11.

In a related story, TBNN discovered that upon the publication of the article, the controversial author of New Age Bible Versions, Gail A. Riplinger had already written a book on the subject of computer operating systems entitled New Age Operating System Versions. In Riplinger's 914 page book she claims to provide "indisputable proof" that modern operating systems are part of a New Age plot to destroy the purity of DOS 6.11. In the book Riplinger quotes from an interview with Microsoft founder Bill Gates where he says,

"Windows Vista...is...by far...poised...to take over...the world. We at Microsoft believe that...if people...will...just use...our...operating system...that we...will be able...to...turn...them to...the...dark...side."

Riplinger also goes on to demonstrate in her book through the use of multiple charts numerous "proofs of conspiracy" that she claims were "revealed by God" when she was writing the book. In one chart she uses something called "Acrostic Algebra" to show that modern operating systems are evil.

Ruckman went on to state that he also plans to write a book on the subject of operating system versions due out next week.

Note: Listen to this debate between Dr. James White and Gail Riplinger if you want more of a background on this post.

03 March, 2008

Global Warming Helping Church Youth Groups Spend More Time at the Beaches

Destin, Fl - While the idea of "global warming" usually carries with it a negative connotation for most people, for the youth group of New Hope Unity Fellowship of Destin, it means "fun in the sun." With winter temperatures being well above normal in the Florida panhandle area over the past few years, church youth groups from around the south have been taking advantage of the warmer temps to start their usual summer activities several months earlier.

"While it normally stays rather mild here during the winter, the past few years have been particularly warm" said New Hope's youth pastor, Chris Fountain. "We've been hitting temps in the mid to upper 80's even in January and December, and that makes for a really nice day at the beach for our kids."

So this year for their winter youth retreat, instead of heading to West Virginia for a ski trip, New Hope just headed down to the beach with their kids. The subject of this year's retreat, "Christian Modesty."

"We had a great week down there at the beach" said Fountain. "Covering a subject like modesty takes a lot of careful planning. We try to stress it amongst our teenagers, especially when we take trips to the beach. We require all of the girls' swimsuits to be at least modest two-piece outfits. The guys, of course, just wear swim trunks. And there can be no hand holding while on the beaches, that's important too."

Fountain's group rented a beach house for the week of their retreat. Each day was filled with a combination of Bible study and "fun" activities.

"I spent a lot of time talking just with the guys" said Fountain. "I told them 'Hey guys, I know it's hard, but just don't look. You got to just turn your head when those girls are out there running around in front of you on the beach.' I know it's tough for them, but I think they're getting it. I also told them that they need to talk with these girls. These girls need to know if they're doing anything to cause their brothers to stumble. And I was so proud of my guys. Later in the week I saw them really spending some time talking to the girls, especially out on the beach during the day. Here they were using up their free time to have some serious spiritual conversation with these girls and let them know how they felt."

So for now, "global warming" is a welcome development amongst the New Hope Youth Group. A number of the teens have expressed their enthusiasm about returning to the beach multiple times during 2008.

"Yeah, we really want to come back again for Spring Break" said 10th-grader Derek Coleman. "I really liked having those spiritual conversations on the beach. Yeah, that was fun."

"It's their call" said Fountain. "We can go other places if they want, but if they like staying right here around town then that's fine with me. I thought the time was really beneficial."