Atheists Bemoan Commercialization of Meaninglessness

MUNICH, GERMANY

A world gathering of atheists occurred this past weekend in Munich to discuss how the "meaninglessness of atheism is becoming so commercialized."  Led by the outspoken and controversial Richard Dawkins, the group of "intellectuals" and "rationalists" from over 45 different countries listened to lectures and participated in roundtable forums that dealt with the issue.

"Our goal was to encourage one another, and help each other remember the true meaning of life, mainly, that it is meaningless, pointless and short." said Dawkins

In the opening address to the enthusiastic crowd, Dawkins dealt with the issue of the commercialization of atheism.

"What we are currently seeing worldwide is a mass influx of everyday people to atheism, and as a result it's beginning to lose its true hopelessness.  Some of these people are abandoning their beliefs in deity and joining our cause, but at the same time they're bringing in such ideas as hope, optimism, and purpose in life, and this is something that we as faithful unbelievers need to seriously address.  Every effort must be made to reclaim the true meaninglessness of life, to reclaim the great truth of the pointlessness of our existence."

Over the course of the conference the group formulated a motto that they hope will serve as a battle cry for those atheists who want to remember the true misery of life.  "Nothing is the reason for our existence."

At the close of the conference Dawkins noted, "We believe that having a short, pithy statement such as this can help our atheists brothers and sisters out there keep in mind the great truth that all of life has pointlessly come from nothing and is going to nothing."

iHumbug! Allows Stodgy Presbyterians to Track Members at Christmas

...Yep, I'm back =)

CORINTH, AL

With the Christmas season in full swing now, one church is definitely NOT singing "Joy to the World." Several months ago the elders of South Bend Presbyterian met to address the issue of some of their members observing the "blasphemous, pagan, wretched holiday of Christmas." While many conservative Presbyterians do indeed observe Christmas, South Bend holds to a strict puritanical view of holidays, not only forbidding any recognition of it in worship, but also strictly insisting that all members "abstain from acknowledging the incarnation from November 27th through January 3rd" of each year. But despite this insistence, the elders have long suspected that some members may still be observing Christmas.

"I could have sworn last year that I smelled fresh pine while talking to one of our deacons," said Ruling Elder Wilson Hovine. "He told me he'd been cutting firewood all afternoon, but I had my doubts."

In a different instance, another elder, Everett Hovine recalled "seeing a youngun with a

peppermint on December 3rd."

Up to this point the elders have not formally caught anyone observing the holiday, but there have been strong suspicions. But this year the elders claim to have come up with a "fool proof method" of knowing what their flock is up to. Working together with the young grandson of Ruling Elder Albert Hovine, the church has developed its own iPhone and Android app to track its members' activities during the "Christmas season."

"They'll be no second guessing this year," said Ruling Elder John Hovine. "Just about every last one of our members uses one of them iPhone or Android phones, and with this new app we can keep track of where they are at all times."

The app works to track the movements of church members

throughout the week, and has been specifically programmed with a special algorithm that can accurately determine whether or not one is Christmas shopping, caroling, or "making merry." In the event of questionable activity, the Ruling Elders are sent an alert, showing the exact location of the member and the nature of the activity in question.

"We are real excited about this," commented pastor Bill Buford. "We feel this will greatly contribute to the peace, joy and holiness of our congregation."

The elders further commented that if the app works well during this year's holiday season that they plan to use it to track members who might attempt to fill up their cars on the Sabbath.