Satire From the Future: Pastor Preaches Gospel

April 3, 2047 - New York, Ny - Many of the members of Southpoint Follower of Jesus Assembly are still in a state of shock and confusion over Sunday's sermon by pastor Richie Hermon. Many are wondering if Hermon, who has been the pastor of SJFA for almost 20 years now, has lost his touch with reality. According to worship participants the service was going fine until Hermon got up to "preach."

"Everything was going along just fine, like it usually does" said member Patrica Kline. "The multimedia worship was wonderful and uplifting. Michael the youth pastor flew in to the service and impressed us with a holographic display. Someone sang a wonderful solo of Your Best Life Now and one of our ladies offered an interpretive dance to the story of the rich man and Lazarus. That was all well and good, but then Richie stood up to 'preach' and everything just went nuts."

As it turns out Hermon decided to stand up when he preached rather than reclining on a couch. This immediately made many people feel imposed upon and uncomfortable. The next thing Hermon did that was so shocking was that he actually had a copy of a Bible with him, opening it and reading from it which people also found dogmatic, close-minded and judgmental. After than he then proceeded to read passages from the Bible, commenting on sections of scripture and making application.

"It was the most bizarre spectacle I've ever seen" said Martin Roberts, a member of SFJA. "We all just sat in our seats shocked and dismayed at what was going on. Richie was up there reading from this book and telling people how to live. He was saying things like 'Only in Christ can we be saved' and 'Our words and deeds reflect what's in our hearts.' We just all felt so judged and looked down upon. I even spilled my beer!"

After the service many threatened to leave. Hermon was unavailable for comment.

Church Begins Using O-Slashes and Umlauts to Attract Younger Crowds

Duluth, Minnesota - With churches struggling to attract new members these days, many denominations have begun trying new "creative" ways of recruiting visitors to their churches. Examples include various churches in one town offering "coupons" to church shoppers, a church holding a weekly "solid rock" concert to attract old rockers, and one church holding a "throwed communion" service. And recently the Lutheran Church of the Good Shepherd in Duluth joined the ranks of churches attracting new younger crowds through "creative outreach."

"We had been looking for ways to attract more youth" said pastor Røger Märrïs. "I began looking up things on the internet that kids were attracted to, and one thing in particular caught my eye - Scandinavian rock bands. It turns out lots of kids love these hard rock heavy metal bands. Well, all of them had one thing in common, they all had these awesome looking characters in their logos like slashed o's and umlauts. I saw that and I said, 'that's our answer right there.'"

Märrïs, immediately spoke with the church council about how the church could utilize this idea. The decision was made to start by changing the church sign.

"Changing the church sign was a good place to start because it was so easy" said council member Ëlïzäbëth Løwrëy. "We just added some dots here and there and a couple of slashes to make it look really serious."

The next decision that was made was that the pastor and other members of the church would alter their names to include the characters also.

"We felt to make things more genuine that some of us needed to change our names a little" said member Ålbërt Møønïë. "That way this new crowd would really be impressed with how hip we are here."

While many have been excited about the changes, the results have not been what they had hoped for.

"Unfortunately we really haven't attracted the young heavy metal crowd that we though we would get" said Märrïs. "What we have attracted is more Scandinavians, which we're really not equipped to minister to here since no one here speaks a Scandinavian language. Last week we had three couples show up from Finland, one from Sweden and a guy from Denmark, all thinking we were some kind of special Scandinavian church. When we told them what we were doing they didn't seem to understand."

"We're going to give it a little more time" said Møønïë. "What we might have to do is just better publish information about our Wørshïp Sërvïcë in the local newspaper or something.

Church "Throwed Communion" Stunt Proves Disastrous

Falls Creek, Florida - Over the past five years The First Baptist Church of Falls Creek has been looking for new and creative ways to "beef up" their worship services and to attract new faces to their church. So they adopted a policy of "whatever works" into their collective vision. What resulted was a church that borrowed heavily from pop culture.

The church's first adjustment came in 2003 when the congregation replaced the existing praise ensemble with a five member teenage male heartthrob group known as The Golden Street Boys. Soon thereafter, the church did away with general deacon elections and began holding an annual competition called Survivor, Fall's Creek in which those nominated for the office of deacon competed over a period of 40 days. The last person standing was automatically named head deacon and was then able to pick five more people to serve with him. And just last year the church installed an Olympic-sized swimming pool under the floor of their sanctuary and held their first ever swimming service in which all of the members of the congregation swam during the worship time.

"We are lively, upbeat and always down with the latest trend" said Pastor Larry Hillenburg. "We look around us and when we see something that works, we just Christianize it and plug it into our church."

All seemed to be going well for the church and its "do what works" philosophy, that is, until recently when the church started a new program they called "Throwed Communion."

The idea was conceived by Hillenburg and several of the deacons during a recent trip to St. Louis. During the trip the group passed through the small Missouri town of Sikeston and ate at the famous Lambert's Cafe, known for their "throwed rolls."

"We were sitting there eating at Lambert's just enjoying ourselves" said Deacon Marty Mitchell. "It's such a hoot when they come through with those hot rolls. You just hold up your hand and they'll throw them at you. We had the best time, and just laughed and laughed about it. Then we all started thinking about how good this would be if we could somehow incorporate it into our own church."

So the group put their heads together and came up with an idea that they were certain would be popular.

"We had been looking for a way to really spice up the Lord's Supper time" said Hillenburg. "We do it once a month, and I'll tell you, it can really get dull. It's the same thing. We pass out the bread and grape juice while the boy band sings something slow and soothing."

The group came to the conclusion that they would try the idea of "throwed communion" during their next Lord's Supper. But unfortunately, the idea did not work out as well as the group would have hoped.

"Their were a couple of things which we didn't think through too well" noted Hillenburg. "Namely, we never discussed what to do about the little cups of grape juice or what to do if people dropped the bread, how they were supposed to get another piece."

The service began with Hillenburg and the deacons literally throwing the bread to the congregation. Unfortunately, though, a large number of the bread pieces were not caught and ended up all over the worship center floor. Furthermore, in an effort to catch the flying pieces ten boys from the youth group were injured making tackles. In addition, members complained of finding pieces of bread in their hair several hours after the service had ended.

As if the flying bread chaos was not enough, the situation only degraded further when it came time to pass out the "wine."

"I could tell things were not going well" stated Hillenburg, "and all I wanted to do was get this thing over with. But before I could say anything the deacons picked up the little cups of grape juice and started throwing them at people too."

The members of the congregation soon discovered that flying cups of grape juice, whether the cups are caught or not, ultimately result in spilled juice going everywhere. And everywhere is where it went. When the service was over no pew was left untouched by grape stains, the beige carpet was ruined and ever member of the congregation had purple on their clothes somewhere. In all the church will have to spend $50,000 for new carpet, $50,000 to have all of the pews reupholstered with dry cleaning receipts still being turned in by members of the congregation, and another $2000 for the ant extermination.

"We made a mess with this one" said Mitchell, looking back on the event. "I think if this situation taught us anything, it's that not every good idea will translate from one situation to the next. In light of this we've decided to scrap the "Church Versus Nature" campaign we were going to do this fall in which we would have dropped the whole congregation off in the Everglades to see if they could find their way home. I've got a feeling that one wouldn't turn out so well too."

Church Holds Day of Prayer for "Persecuted Blogs"

Sally, Indiana - Ellen Crossworth, a young mother of four loves her hobby of blogging. Each day, faithfully she gets up early, fixes herself a cup of coffee and sits down to read her Bible. After that she dutifully sits down in front of her computer and updates her blog site. It is a simple site entitled "Cross Words" and is comprised mainly of her thoughts and inspirations she finds daily in Scripture. Over the past two years she has gained a daily readership of about 75 persons. While not a huge number, for Crossworth she feels it is an accomplishment.

"I'm not a so-called uber-blogger by any means" she says. "But it's exciting to know that there are about 75 people out there that think of me every day, and that what I'm writing is actually impacting someone's life. That really blesses me to think about."

But lately Crossworth has found herself a little "down" about her blog. The trouble all started about two weeks ago when an anonymous commenter began making upsetting statements about her blog.

"There was this one commenter who started replying to posts, telling me how stupid I was" she said. "He called me ugly, and said that I was a 'weak-minded fool.' That really hurts and cuts me to the quick."

Unfortunately for many Christian bloggers, Crossworth's story is not unique. With a rise in the popularity of blogging over the past five years, many people are having the face the harsh reality that not everyone likes what they are saying.

"I get hate emails now" said Lucas Thompson, whose blog, Theology for Today averages almost 900 hits per day. "People leave nasty comments all of the time. People curse me out. I've even had death threats."

With the popularity of blogging becoming even more and more widespread in Christian circles, many churches have begun to address the issue of "the persecuted blog." Crossworth's own home church of Temple Baptist has taken this issue to heart.

"We know from Scripture that those who seek to live truly Christian lives will face persecution" stated Crossworth's pastor, Andrew Perry. "The blogosphere is no exception to this. Here are the faithful servants going out there day after day, fighting for the truth only to be ridiculed and scorned by the masses."

So, in an effort to raise awareness around the world, Temple Baptist held its first annual "Day of Prayer for Persecuted Blogs" this past Sunday.

"The whole service was a tremendous success" stated Perry. "We sang lots of praise songs with a blogging theme such as It is Written, and Thy Word is a Lamp unto My Feet. We even had one of our own praise band members write a new song for the occasion entitled I Will Never Stop Blogging About You. I gave a special message about persecution, and at the end of the service we had an especially moving time when we all joined hands and gathered around worship center and prayed for persecuted bloggers throughout the world."

"It was moving" said Crossworth. "Everyone was so encouraging to me telling me to 'Never give up' and 'keep fighting the good fight of the blogosphere.' I couldn't have been more moved."

Big Churches Install "Moving Aisles"

CONCORD, INDIANA

Pastor Timothy Adams of New Hope Fellowship in Concord had an epiphany the last time he flew.

"I was at the Memphis airport making a connecting flight down to Houston for a conference" said Adams. "I was standing on one of those moving sidewalks and I suddenly realized that this is exactly what we needed at our church."

Adams' realization is rooted in a common problem being faced by a number of large evangelical protestant churches in America. Congregations, in some cases, have become so numerous, and church buildings so large that some people are not able to make it to the front of the church during the altar call immediately following the sermon.

"The altar call is very important" said Adams. "If someone doesn't make it down the aisle one week, they've got to wait a whole other week before they can get saved. Our building is very large, and on average we have about 6,000 people in Sunday morning worship. A walk from the very back of the church can take up to seven or eight minutes. We're usually long done with the invitational hymn by then."

So when Adams stood on the moving sidewalk at the Memphis airport he found the solution to his church's problems - moving aisles.

"What we plan to do is put these moving sidewalks right in our aisles at church" he stated. "At the end of the service the ushers will turn them on, that way people at the very back of the church can make it down to the front in time before the music ends, that is, if they walk on the moving sidewalk while it's running. It basically moves a person at running speed he or she having to actually run."

The project, though, is not cheap. The church estimates that the cost of the moving aisles will be around $1.1 million dollars.

"We know this is going to be a huge investment for us" stated Adams. "But we're talking about people's souls here. You can't put a price on someone's soul. We've already started a campaign to raise money for these aisles, and so far the response has been very good. But each Sunday we delay we risk another poor soul who just can't make it down in time."

Minor League Softball for Mega Churches.

SOUTHAMPTON, COLORADO
Every year past as the church softball league started up at the Southampton Church of God the church faced a dilemma. The so-called "mega church" with a membership of just over 18,000 often found itself having to turn away literally hundreds of would-be participants.

"In the past we just didn't have space on the team" said head coach Eric DeVry. "Every year we had all of these people that wanted to play, but we would have to turn them away. And even if we could have put them all on the team, there's no way we could have let everyone play."

For years churches like Southampton with memberships over 5000 wrestled with the problem of what to do with those who so desperately wanted to participate but could not because of limited space. But as this year's softball season began history was made. Southampton and nine other churches in the state of Colorado with memberships over 8,000 began forming "minor league" church softball teams, and the idea has flourished.

The initial concept was conceived by DeVry last year while attending a triple-A Sky Sox game in Colorado Springs.

"I went to watch the Sky Sox play with my family" said DeVry. "And as I was watching the game it just hit me. If baseball has different leagues then why can't church softball?"

DeVry passed his idea along to the church board of directors last fall who immediately embraced the idea. He then passed on the idea to the coaches at a number of other large churches in the Colorado area, all of whom were thrilled at the prospect.

The process for forming the teams worked similarly to how major league baseball teams are formed. Four levels of teams were organized, beginning with A, and then moving up through AA, AAA and then on to what is called the "Mega League." Tryouts were held this past spring, and church members who desired to play came out to see if they would make the cut. After the tryouts the coaching staffs of each church "drafted" players beginning with the "Mega League" coaches.

The idea has been welcomed by the participants.

"I've wanted to play for Southampton for years, but just never was able to get on the team" said Alex Steed, pitcher for Southampton's AAA team. "It's really great to get out there and play now. On any given night we'll have six to seven thousand people out in the crowd, and it really gets exciting. I'm hoping that maybe next year I'll get called up to the Mega League."

Steed's wish could very well come true. The league system also has "scouts" that visit the different league games to watch for rising stars. Those players who perform well in the lower leagues can be called up over time.

"We were in Denver last week" said Gerald Barter, first baseman for the Southampton AA Salvation Sluggers. "Next week we'll be in Colorado Springs to take on the Parkview Prophets. They're really a tough team but I think we can take them. I'm really working hard to get my batting average up so I can get called up soon."

The formation of the various leagues has also generated a tremendous response from the various congregations. With more people from more large churches playing in the league, crowds have multiplied greatly. While the single-A games generally draw a modest crowd of 500-600 from the rival churches, some of the AA and AAA games have at times drawn crowds of almost 10,000 people, and several Mega League games have brought in crowds over 16,000.

"When Southampton played the Barrington Blessings we had 16,897 people there that night" said DeVry. "We had to rent out the Sky Sox stadium just to play."

While only in its first season, the future of minor league mega church softball looks bright.

"If all goes well we're going to add a rookie league next year prior to single-A" said DeVry. "That'll even get more people involved."

Formal Dress in Worship Causes Stir

TRENTON, NEW JERSEY
Trenton's The Church of the Living Waters is known as a "come as you are" kind of church, where worshipers can feel comfortable wearing whatever they want. Many members regularly show up on Sunday mornings in shorts, flip-flops and t-shirts. Even the church's pastor, Patrick Cox, often preaches in his bare feet wearing ripped jeans. The church's policy of very casual dress was supposed to make anyone feel at ease about attending worship, and that was the case until this past Sunday.

The stir began five minutes into the worship time when a new young couple entered the church's worship center. The man was wearing a suit and tie and the woman a very formal dress. After walking down the main aisle they sat on the second to front row of the church and proceeded to join in the worship with the rest of the congregation. But not everyone was excited to see them there.

"Part of me wondered what they were doing here" said Mary Joseph, a church member. "I thought they were just trying to make a point or cause trouble or something."

"I just don't think it's appropriate to get all dolled up like that for church" said Nathan Callaghan, another member. "It's like they made this point to get all dressed up just to come to church and show off their clothes to everybody. I was kind of embarrassed for them because everyone was staring at them and giving them weird looks."

While most of the members were upset or concerned to some degree about the "strange" visitors, some felt differently.

"I think it's a much needed change for our church" said John Michael Thompson, the church's worship leader. "If that's what they want to wear to church, then they should be able to without anyone else criticizing them."

After the service a few people greeted the couple, but most people kept their distance, suspicious of their "motives."

"If this is the direction that our church is going, with people dressing up in suits and ties to come and worship, then I don't want any part of it" stated Joseph. "They day people start showing up every Sunday dressed up like that is the day that I leave."

Churches Offer Coupons to "Church Shoppers"

TERRY, IDAHO

"Church shopping," as it is called, has become a wide-spread phenomenon during the past century. Decades ago, when few communities even had churches, one often was born, raised and died having always attended the same church. Usually, only a marriage or a move to another location brought about a change in church membership. But as evangelicalism has literally "exploded" and the number of churches increased many regular church-goers have found themselves visiting numerous churches in their local communities trying to find a church that "fits." Thus, the devotion and commitment that many pastors once enjoyed from their members is rare to find, and the membership of many churches has begun to wane significantly. So great was the problem in the town of Terry, Idaho that one pastor came up with a solution that works.

"Church is really about giving people what they want," said Rev. Karen Hamilton of First Methodist Church in Terry. "We decided that, rather than simply place an ad in the local paper, to offer special 'coupons' to those who visited, raising the incentives if they would come to our church and join up with our work."

While the idea seemed bizarre at first to many, it worked tremendously for the church. During the first week First Methodist offered a coupon for a "Free Missions Trip to Canada" for first-time visitors. The following Sunday fifteen new families visited the church, and all presented the coupon for the trip.

The idea has worked so well, that other churches in the Terry community have started using it also. Now a quick glance at the "Local Area Churches" section of the newspaper reveals 10-15 coupons reading things such as "No Tithe for a Year, No Baptism Required!" or "Two Memberships for One Membership Class!"

"This is one of the best ideas we've tried in years to get our attendance up," said Rev. John Hodges of Grace Lutheran Church. "We started out offering free lunches at a local restaurant for all first-time visitors. We had 20 new families come that first Sunday."

"We're planning on building a health club on our church property," said Pastor David Chalmers of Southaven Baptist Church. "We plan to offer free membership to the club for a year for all new members, which we hope will really bring in some new faces. Let's face it, if we want people to come we've got to give them what they want and cater to their desires."

Holy Week Turtle Compliments Easter Bunny

FORT WAYNE, INDIANA

The Easter Bunny has had a "love-hate" relationship with Christianity over the years. For many, the mysterious character that comes on Easter Eve to bring children baskets full of candy is nothing more than a fun fantasy for kids to enjoy. But for others, the idea of the Easter Bunny represents commercialism and selfishness, ignoring the true meaning of the holiday. Some Christian leaders have tried to find a way to "Christianize" the Easter Bunny, making him relevant some how to the whole celebration of the resurrection, but none have successfully accomplished the task. That is, perhaps, until this week when Gateway Church unveiled their latest idea.

"The subject of the Easter Bunny is a tough one." Said the church's pastor, Carter Wilson. "With Santa Claus, at least you have the Christian character of St. Nicholas to refer to. But with Easter it's a magical bunny rabbit. Some parents just have a problem with that. So we've got to take a different approach to this situation if it's going to work."

Wilson's approach, in his own words, involves "balance."

"I finally realized that the Easter Bunny alone is pretty hard to spiritualize. He needs someone to balance him out. That's where we came up with the idea of the Holy Week Turtle."

"The concept of the Holy Week Turtle is simple." Said Erin Bennett, a member of Gateway Church who helped Wilson develop the idea. "The turtle is a slow, almost depressed animal which represents the sadness and the almost dirge-like feel of Holy Week, especially on the eve of the crucifixion. But what this character does is make the Easter Bunny really have relevance! The bunny is a fast and upbeat creature. Just like the bursting forth of the resurrection, we have the bunny rabbit with bursting speed."

Bennett further went on to explain that the Holy Week Turtle comes on the eve of Good Friday (Maundy Thursday), but instead of giving kids candy, he takes away all of the candy and sweets in a particular house.

"So kids wake up on Good Friday morning and all of the candy and sweets are gone." Said Wilson. "No cookies, brownies, jelly beans, etc. It's all been taken away. So the kids are sad, and the sweetness has been taken out of life. It's just like the crucifixion. But what's so amazing is that on Sunday morning the Easter Bunny comes and fills the house again with sweetness, abundant sweetness, just like the resurrection!"

Gateway Church began promoting the idea for several weeks prior to Holy Week, meeting secretly with parents and trying to get as many families involved as possible.

"We have almost 100% participation from our parents." Said Wilson. "We've been telling our kids 'Be careful, cause the old Holy Week Turtle is going to come tonight and snatch away all of our sweetness!' But just think how happy they'll be on Sunday morning when the good old Easter Bunny brings all of that back. It will be a deeply moving moment for our families I'm sure."

Palm Sunday Decorations "A Bit Much" for One Congregation

SOUTHWARK, IDAHO

Palm Sunday is a time of great celebration at the First Methodist Church of Southwark. Each year this small congregation of just over 75 members in rural Idaho begins Holy Week with a festive service in which the sanctuary is decorated with palms. In addition, the whole congregation processes into the church carrying palm leaves while singing a chorus of Hosanna to the Son of David. But this past Sunday, rather than being marked by celebration, ended up being marked by frustration and confusion.

"The lady who normally decorated the sanctuary each year, Mrs. Harrison, died last year sadly." Said Larry Green, the church's pastor. "So this year the torch was passed to a younger woman, Mrs. Lacy. And I'm afraid people aren't too happy with her work."

As the members processed into the sanctuary they were confronted with what one member calls a "palm extravaganza."

"There were potted palm trees everywhere!" Said Nick Shute, a frustrated member. "They were in the aisles, on the pews, in the windows. You couldn't see the pulpit at all. Palm leaves completely covered the walls all over. She had even put palm leaves on the ceiling fans. It was a palm extravaganza! It was like some kind of tropical island fantasy."

As it turned out Margret Lacy, the woman responsible for decorating the sanctuary, had placed over 400 potted palms in the small church building, such that parts of aisles and certain rows were impossible to navigate.

"We all squeezed into the building somehow." Said Green. "I couldn't even see my congregation during the service. I had a wall of palm trees surrounding me. I felt like I was in a jungle somewhere shouting a sermon to people."

But despite the situation, Green is urging people to remain calm.

"We're just going to need to talk with Mrs. Lacy." Said Green. "I think this was an honest error in judgment, but we definitely need to set a few things straight, especially before Christmas rolls around and we find ourselves in a pine forest or something."

Ford Announces New "Purpose-Driven" Car

DEARBORN, MICHIGAN

It is an unusual combination of religion and business. Yesterday Ford Motor Company C.E.O. Alan Mulally along with the Reverend Rick Warren announced plans to produce a special edition of Ford's popular Fiesta for 2008, called the Purpose-Driven Car. Based on the popular book by Warren, the car will be Ford's most fuel-efficient and environmentally friendly vehicle on the market getting an average of 40 miles per gallon.

"It's time people started thinking about their driving habits." Said Warren at the press conference. "Each day millions of people drive in this country without really thinking about where they're going in life."

While Warren's comments during the press conference often highlighted the car's religious significance, Mulally was hesitant to state anything about the partnership other than the business benefits.

"We are glad to work together on this exciting business venture." Said Mulally. "We want people from all walks of life to feel comfortable when they drive, no matter what one's religion may be."

Still, Warren hopes the Purpose-Drive Car will "make an impact" for the gospel.

"This car will be a place of worship, and a place of fellowship, discipleship, ministry and evangelism." Said Warren. "If you feel like you're just driving nowhere in life, then the Ford Fiesta Purpose-Driven Edition is for you! I hope this car really makes an impact...well...not literally."

Church Replaces "Amen"

ATLANTA, GEORGIA

"Times are changing and so are we."

That's the opinion of Mark Levy, pastor of Fresh Winds Church of God. For some time now Levy's church of 500 has moved away from many of the traditional elements of worship into new approaches. One of those approaches is doing away with the word "amen" and replacing it with a new more "relevant" phrase - "boo-yeah."

"We're here to worship today, boo-yeah?" Levy enthusiastically asks his congregation. "Boo-Yeah!" they all respond in unison.

Throughout the church's worship time "amen" is consistently replaced. Praise and Worship songs are changed. After prayers the one praying will say "And all God's people said..." to which the congregation replies appropriately. "Amen" is even replaced in the Scripture readings Levy uses.

As Levy begins his sermon Deuteronomy 27:16 appears on the church's overhead projector;

"Cursed is the man who dishonors his father or his mother." Then all the people shall say, "Boo-Yeah!"

"We're just keeping with the times." Said Levy. "The word 'amen' has become so old and outdated. People don't want to walk around saying 'amen' anymore. We need something that really grabs people's attention, something powerful. I truly think that 'boo-yeah' is our own modern day 'amen.'"

Church Plans "Chicken Eucharist"

MANHATTAN, NEW YORK

The famous Trinity Church, St. Paul's Chapel, is no stranger to "creative celebrations" during their weekly Eucharist services. A number of years ago they began celebrating a "Clown Eucharist" in which all of the participants dress up as clowns in order to be "fools for Christ's sake." More recently they began what is called a "hip-hop mass" where all worship music is in the R&B style and the participants "break it down" during the service.

Now, in an effort to broaden their spectrum of worship styles, the church has planned to begin holding an annual "Chicken Eucharist."

"We're very excited about this new development." Said Rector, Rev. Dr. James Herbert. "Many people who have lived in the city here all of their lives have never seen a live chicken! That's a significant part of creation that's being ignored, and we want to celebrate the goodness of Chickens."

During the mass Herbert plans to have live chickens running free in the church. In addition, all of the participants will wear chicken outfits. Furthermore, there will be no spoken words during the service, rather the participants will "cluck."

"We're a lot like Chickens." Said Herbert. "They desire to run free, but they're behind fences. They so want to break out of their captivity, and they have wings, but they just can't fly. We too have fences that we put up, fences of intolerance and hate, and sometimes we want to fly over them, but our wings aren't strong enough. We need the Master Farmer to come and help us 'fly the coop.'"

In addition to the live chickens and the costumes, the elements of the Eucharist will be altered to grain and water. The service will end with a recessional of all of the participants flapping around the room and clucking as they exit the church.

The church plans to hold the special service later this fall in protest of national chicken restaurant chains who allegedly mistreat chickens.

"We're standing up for these chickens." Said Herbert. "We're going to show the world that we're serious about being identified with this beautiful part of life."

Church Goes "Glam Rock" to Attract "Old Rockers"

MEYERSVILLE, INDIANA

It is a Sunday morning at Holy Kiss Baptist Church. The lights in the sanctuary dim as smoke fills the room. Suddenly in the darkness spotlights begin to move around. Cheers and screams arise from the congregation. Then the mysterious sound of the lone beat of a kick drum begins pounding out a 4/4 rhythm, accenting the first beat every time. The tension and excitement heighten when an electric guitar lets out a growling "thrash" on a single chord that seems to ring forever. And finally, when it seems that the building momentum can go no further in runs Pastor David Remington, face painted, hair-waving. He falls to his knees sliding to the center of the stage and air-guitars to an improvised solo by the church's praise band guitarist.

"Are you ready to solid rock?" Screams Remington to the cheering crowd that responds with a resounding "Amen!" Repeating himself, he screams again, "I said are you ready to solid rock all you saints?" "Amen!" the shouts come again. The praise band begins playing the music to Poison's Don't Need Nothing But a Good Time, but the words are that of Rock of Ages Cleft for Me.

Thus goes a typical Sunday at Holy Kiss Baptist Church, a church that, until about 5 years ago, resembled most average mainstream Baptist churches in America. But when the church determined to focus their outreach to "Old Rockers" they decided to contextualize their worship in order to make people feel more comfortable.

"We now have more than 1000 people attending now." Said Remington. "All of the songs that we sing are new words set to old Rock tunes."

Examples of the church's music include Prepare Me for Heaven set to Led Zeppelin's Stairway to Heaven, and Save Me Up set to the Rolling Stones' Start Me Up.

"One song that always gets the crowd going is when we do Sinful Ways set to Jimi Hendrix's Purple Haze." Said Remington as he broke into an impromptu rendition,

"Sinful ways,
All in my life,
Causing me
So much pain and strife.

It ain't funny,
And I tell you why,
'scuse me while I pray and cry."

"And, of course," Said Remington, "some songs like The Doobie Brothers' Jesus is Just Alright With Me, need no adjustment whatsoever."

"It's been the coolest thing I've ever been to." Said church member Henry Woodriff. "Brother Dave just tears the place apart week after week."

Remington usually ends the time of praise and worship which he calls the "Solid Rock Concert" by either smashing or burning a guitar on stage. This is followed by his sermon which he calls the "backstage pass." During this time, Remington sits on a couch on the stage, kicks up his feet and just talks to his "fans" about something from the Bible.

"Attendance is growing and growing." Said Remington. "If things continue I think we'll start bringing in some opening acts."

Rick Warren's New Book Addresses Christian Animal Rights

LAKE FOREST, CALIFORNIA


Pastor Rick Warren, best known for his books The Purpose Driven Life and 40 Days of Purpose has just had his latest release hit the shelves this past weekend. Forty Days of Porpoises is aimed at addressing the issues surrounding Christians and animal rights.

"I think it's high time that Christians begin realizing the importance of animal rights." Said Warren. "These animals can think, reason, feel and love. If we don't give attention to these amazing creatures we are neglecting a wonderful and beautiful aspect of creation."

The book highlights the needs of Christians to love animals. Part of the forty day plan encourages congregations to make trips to Sea World or other marine life parks or places where Christians can pray for porpoises, feed them and pet them.

Pastor Mark Harris of Abundant Life Fellowship, in Los Angeles is excited about this latest release. "I immediately bought copies for our Sunday School classes." Said Harris. "We want to be the first congregation to participate in this ministry."

Harris further stated that his congregation is planning monthly "pilgrimages" Sea World. In addition, they are trying to arrange an annual "Swim with the Porpoises" day in which members of the congregation will be able to scuba dive with porpoises through a meditative underwater labyrinth.

"We're excited to see what's going to happen." Said Warren. "We know that this will be used to change many people's attitudes towards animals."

Extreme Makeover Church Edition Hailed a Success

GLEN VALLEY, WV

Pastor Rick Paddington never dreamed the day would whe he would see his church worshipping in a brand new sanctuary, but when the crew from ABC knocked on his door this past March everything changed.

"I was speachless," said Paddington, pastor of the Glen Valley Independent Methodist church, a small congregation of 19 in the rural hills of West Virginia. 'I mean, for the past 25 years we've basically worshipped in a shack, and now we have this amazing new building. It's just such a blessing!"

TNN spoke with the show's producer Ty Pennington about the work that they did on the church.

"When we got their picture and story we knew this was the one. It was going to be a real challenge to modify this run-down old barn house into a flourishing megachurch."

When the remodeling was being done the entire church, the pastor and the 19 members, were all sent on a one week trip to Disney Land. The crew began to brainstorm about how they were going to transform Glen Valley into the church they envisioned.

As the week pressed on the tension mounted as to whether the new building was going to be completed in time for the regular 11AM Sunday Morning worship time, when the pastor and congregation would return from their vacation.

"Once again," said Pennington, "we found ourselves working through the night, wondering if perhaps maybe this time we wern't going to get it done in time. But amazingly we pulled it off."

"It's overwhelming," said church pianists and life-long member Beatrice Herns. "They put in a brand new nine-foot long grand piano!"

Amid the excitement there are some concerns that the megastructure in the rural hills of West Virgina may be too much. "Not to sound ungreatful," said Paddington, "but I wasn't expecting something so large. The sanctuary seats 1500, and the entire population of Glen Valley is only just over 800."

In addition to some 1480 seats that are empty on any given Sunday there are a number of other items in the church that aren't being used including the .5 million dollar pipe organ, 35 Sunday school rooms, two nursuries, a choir loft, a $100k sound system, and a church kitchen filled with Kenmore appliances from Sears.

Churches to Begin Offering Low-Carb Communion Options

With the recent growth in popularity of diets such as the Atkins and Southbeach, churches across denominational lines are searching for new ways to get congregation members to once again take communion.

"It's become a major problem for us here," said Rev. Eldridge Greer or Our Savior Lutheran Church in Hannover, MI. "We take communion here on a weekly basis. Many of our parishioners are on these low-carb diets, and those carbs really begin to add up every week."

The exact amount of carbohydrates in communion bread can vary greatly depending on a number of factors. Some denominations use only unleavened bread in small wafers. In these cases the amount of carbohydrates per wafer is approximately 2-3. Grape juice or wine adds another 1-2 carbohydrates, making the total only 3-5 carbohydrates per communion.

But some denominations have a greater cause for concern. Greer's church uses regular leavened bread for communion, and parishioners tear pieces off of the loaf when they come forward to receive the sacrament.

"It's possible that people are getting pieces of bread that contain 6-7 carbs per piece," said Greer. "When they add in the carbs from the wine it can come out as high at 10 carbs! We just don't think it's right to put that kind of stress on our people, especially when some have told me that they're only supposed to have somewhere in the neighborhood of 40 carbs per day."

Greer said that parishioners began complaining to him and the other ministers of the church several months ago, but he never knew exactly what to do in response to their complaints. It wasn't until recently that he and other church leaders began to notice that a large portion of members simply began to not take communion.

"They just quit coming forward to take the sacrament. At first we thought that maybe there was some great trial or sin going on in the life of the church that we had somehow missed. We were very very concerned. It wasn't until we talked to some of our people that we realized just what was going on."

Members of other denominations are also dealing with this very complicated issue. Clergy in the United Episcopal Church, a denomination which also takes weekly communion, have met on a number of occasions to discuss various options. The Right Reverend Ellen McCollough-Hughes of the UEC commented on the issue stating, "We don't want to offend anyone on this issue. We're not saying that carbohydrates are bad, nor are we saying that they are good. What may be right for some of our members may not be right for others. We want to be open to further dialog on this issue."

"This really hasn't affected us here," said pastor Danny Douglas of Falls Spring Baptist Church, Livingston, SC. "We take the Lord's Supper only about 4 or 5 times a year, and we usually follow that with a pot-luck dinner on the grounds meal. I haven't heard any complaints from any of our folks."

Though the weight of the issue seems varied across the denominational board, it has merited enough concern that religious leaders from all walks of life are expected to meet and discuss the issue this summer at a national seminar to be held in Topeka, KS that will be called The Consortium for the Development of Sacramental Dietary Practice.

"We feel it is our responsibility to accomodate our people," said Greer. "So we are going to start offering a low-carb communion line for those on the various diets. We've been able to get a regular supply of low-carb bread and sugar-free grape juice. We've estimated that the average parishoner taking communion will only consume 1-2 carbs."