K-Love Switches to Exclusive A Cappella Psalmody

Sacramento, California

Many American Christians were shocked on Friday morning as they turned on their radios.  The popular radio station known as "K-Love" had suddenly switched from their familiar format of contemporary Christian music (CCM) and praise and worship music to a cappella unaccompanied psalms, with recordings taken from various congregations of the Free Church of Scotland.

"I was expecting Chris Tomlin when I loaded up the kids for school this morning." Said Kathy Valen, mother of four.  "Instead I got a jarring rendition of Psalm 109:10, 'Let his children be continually vagabonds, and beg: let them seek their bread also out of their desolate places.' My kids were just a little freaked out, and I'll admit, I was too."

All around the country on the various repeater stations people were baffled, checking their radios, switching stations and visiting the K-Love website to make sure everything was okay. The station was flooded with calls all day long, especially when the daily "Encouraging Word" was replaced with sermons of the late Dr. Martyn Lloyd-Jones.

TBNN tried to reach someone at the station for comment.  One DJ who asked to remain anonymous stated only that, "The change is likely to be permanent" and that "We will be shutting down every Sunday in observance of the Sabbath."

I Read These Guys in Seminary

Some will get it, some will not.

My Coming Out

It's not the first time the couple has gotten dirty looks.  As they board the plane people stare, some try to hide their disgust and displeasure, while others make no pretense and openly roll their eyes in disapproval. Some shift nervously in their seats trying to hide their "Please don't sit next to me!" look, while others go so far as to change seats. This awkward scenario is not confined merely to airplanes. They've experienced this same attitude before in restaurants, stores, public events and even some churches. There are sadly even some businesses with policies that openly discriminate against them, restaurants with signs reading "not allowed" and "unwelcome." Even in a city like Portland, Oregon that prides itself on tolerance and acceptance, this happy couple still faces the daily looks and public ridicule simply because of who they are.

Some people have thankfully become more tolerant, and some more welcoming and affirming of couples like this realizing that they didn't choose to be this way. What right does anyone have to deny them a happy and fulfilled life?  What right does the government have to interfere or businesses deny services? Why are they so often despised by others around them simply because they have a different identity? Shouldn't they have the same rights as everyone else?

Such is the life of parents of small children.

I'm coming out proudly today.  I'm a parent.  I didn't choose to be a parent. I was born with a strong and powerful desire to have children, raise them, love them, care for them and see them become mature adults. It's my "orientation." It's my insurmountable natural desire to have children. 

I first noticed this desire when I was a just a child. At first I didn't understand these feelings and emotions, but as I grew I became more aware of who I was inside. Throughout my college years many around me talked of "living free" or would say things like "I'm never having kids."  I would sometimes go along with them fearing ridicule if I were to let them know that I hoped to have five or six kids one day. But I finally had to come to grips with who I was.  I was a man who wanted to get married and have lots of children one day. I wanted little kids sitting around a family table eating bowls of Cheerios. I dreamed of Saturdays playing in parks followed by ice cream afterward. I smiled thinking about one day traveling with my family on trips to different places, pushing them around in shopping carts at the store, homeschooling them, and lots of kisses at night. 

Today, even in the year 2013, people like us are still facing discrimination.  The scowls grow more and more each day. Simply entering a public venue with a kid in tow can illicit looks of ashen horror on the faces of others as they anxiously ponder the possibility that the child might do something disgusting and offensive like make noise or cry.  And heaven forbid if a couple dares have more than three children.  At this point society feels obligated to dictate to such parents what they should do behind closed doors in the privacy of their own homes.  A society that dares not tell others what they should and shouldn't do in their bedrooms, suddenly can tell such couples that they "have too many kids" are "contributing to overpopulation" and that homeschooling their kids is "dangerous" and "narrow minded."  

No, I didn't choose to be a parent.  I was born this way, and what right does anyone have to deny me the fulfillment of my happiness, to be who I really am?

NIV "Recreational Use" Bible Sparks Controversy

SEATTLE, WASHINGTON

Churches all along the West Coast and the Pacific Northwest are at odds over a new NIV study bible that is suspiciously named "for recreational use."

The Bible features the letters "NIV" on the cover made of some kind of leaf along with a peculiar picture of a very relaxed man. The study notes include an odd mix of seemingly random items and bits of information including over a hundred blank brightly colored pages, unusual recipes such as one entitled No-Bake Cheese Puff Casserole. Also included is a map of the state of California. And every copy comes with a chance to win a free trip to Amsterdam.

"Something just seems fishy about this particular Bible," said pastor Timothy Evans of Cougar Creek Bible Church in Cougar, Washington.  "I can't seem to put my finger on it exactly, but there's just something not right."

While some are suspicious, others are openly accepting the new Bible.

"We think it's fantastic!" said Todd Nelson, pastor of The Open Door Come As You Are Relevant House of Healing Fellowship in Portland, Oregon. "This Bible will touch people in special ways. We see people reading this that would probably never read the Bible otherwise. We really want to see more and more people having the opportunity to get spiritual highs."

Crystal Cathedral Will Just Become a Krystal

GARDEN GROVE, CA

In 2012 mounting debt, infighting and a lack of funding brought Crystal Cathedral Ministries, founded by Robert Schuller, to bankruptcy.  With money dry, attendance and donations down, the iconic "Crystal Cathedral" could no longer be sustained.  The building was made nationally and internationally famous by Schuller's weekly "Hour of Power" that included famous musicians and singers, interviews with famous celebrities, and sixty to ninety seconds of Schuller talking about something called the Bible.  The show also offered great opportunities to give to the ministry, enticing people's generosity with tempting knick-knacks such as hand-packaged high-quality plastic sculptures of a mother eagle majestically protecting her young as the light of creation bursted forth from behind her glorious wings (your gift with a donation of $100).

The building was sold to the Catholic Diocese of Orange County with the intention that it would be used as a Catholic Church, but TBNN has recently learned that  plans have changed.

"After long and difficult deliberation the Diocese has decided that the property will be best utilized commercially as a Krystal Hamburger restaurant." Said Fr. Paul Webb, who has been appointed head of the transition committee for the property.

The popular restaurant is known for its small, bit-sized hamburgers comprised of an all-beef 1/64 lb. patty, a four-inch tall bun, two rice-sized pieces of onion, one pickle, several dots of mustard, and 1/4 cup of catchup, all of which, for some reason, takes a baffling 25 minutes to make from the time of ordering.  Despite the fact the burgers resemble what a twenty-year-old bachelor might put together with random ingredients found in his apartment cabinets, they are very popular, and Krystal franchises continue to expand into new markets.

Webb went on to further explain:

"We thought of turning into a Catholic Church, but as we began to consider our other options and look at the numbers, the idea of a restaurant popped into our heads.  Someone spoke up and said "Wouldn't it be funny if Krystal wanted to move in?' He was only joking, but we all thought it was brilliant.  We immediately contacted Krystal."

It wasn't until almost a month later that an agreement was reached.  By the end of this summer the current Crystal Cathedral congregation will be moving out, and what will become the largest Krystal restaurant in the world will be moved in.

"We're very very excited about this new location," said Ron Whittsetter, regional director for Krystal. "We'll be able seat almost 1000 people in our new location.  On top of that we'll still have the pipe organ, so we're hoping that people will begin to look at us in a little bit of a different light. We can just imagine couples coming here and having romantic dinners as the pipe organ plays.

Acts Body Wash - Smell Like the Early Church!

Do you want to be as close as possible to the church in Acts?Have you washed your hands of the institutional church for the pure and authentic New Testament experience?  Now you can wash your body of it too with all new Acts Body Wash.  After just one shower, you're home church will not only look just like the church of the New Testament, but will smell like it too!

Acts Body Wash is specially formulated to replicate the smells of the first-century Near East.  Based on the most accurate historic research, our scientists have painstakingly produced what is believed to be the the exact smells of New Testament times.  These smells include:

• Human sewerage waste
• Animal dung
• Rotting meat
• Dead fish
• Six-month unbathed person
• Filth
• Death

So try new Acts Body Wash today and you're church will not only look New Testament, but will smell like it too!

Atheists Bemoan Commercialization of Meaninglessness

MUNICH, GERMANY

A world gathering of atheists occurred this past weekend in Munich to discuss how the "meaninglessness of atheism is becoming so commercialized."  Led by the outspoken and controversial Richard Dawkins, the group of "intellectuals" and "rationalists" from over 45 different countries listened to lectures and participated in roundtable forums that dealt with the issue.

"Our goal was to encourage one another, and help each other remember the true meaning of life, mainly, that it is meaningless, pointless and short." said Dawkins

In the opening address to the enthusiastic crowd, Dawkins dealt with the issue of the commercialization of atheism.

"What we are currently seeing worldwide is a mass influx of everyday people to atheism, and as a result it's beginning to lose its true hopelessness.  Some of these people are abandoning their beliefs in deity and joining our cause, but at the same time they're bringing in such ideas as hope, optimism, and purpose in life, and this is something that we as faithful unbelievers need to seriously address.  Every effort must be made to reclaim the true meaninglessness of life, to reclaim the great truth of the pointlessness of our existence."

Over the course of the conference the group formulated a motto that they hope will serve as a battle cry for those atheists who want to remember the true misery of life.  "Nothing is the reason for our existence."

At the close of the conference Dawkins noted, "We believe that having a short, pithy statement such as this can help our atheists brothers and sisters out there keep in mind the great truth that all of life has pointlessly come from nothing and is going to nothing."

The Bad Church Solo: A Survival Guide

We've all been there at one time or another. It's Sunday morning and the praise and worship portion of the service is done. Now we've reached the time for "special music." Sometimes the choir sings, other times it might be an instrumental piece. But inevitably, at least once a month, there will be a solo.

Yes, the church solo. It seems that no single event in a worship service can elicit such a contrasting array of emotions in a congregation. There's joy and encouragement from a solo well-done. But then there's the utter awkwardness and, quite possibly, physical pain of having to listen to someone who obviously is waiting for his or her talent to blossom in the heavenly choir.

We all know the person I'm talking about. It usually begins the minute you scan over your bulletin and see so-and-so's name written by the words "special music." You let out a subtle, under-your-breath groan, and from that point on, you're attention is distracted as you anticipate the inevitable. And then it comes. The soloist takes center-stage, and with microphone in hand, prepares to drop this bomb of blessing on the congregation, annihilating everything in the room. It's at this moment, while the seemingly endless intro to the song is playing, that you brace yourself for what's about to come. Will you survive the blast?

First, it's important to note, do not be confused by what you perceive to be others' enjoyment of the singing. One of the most confusing aspects of the bad church solo is the apparent delight that others around you are taking in it. Do not let this throw you off. You may see smiling faces, nodding heads, people grinning from ear to ear, feet gently tapping to the beat, all in an apparent blessed state of rapture. But there are several reasons for this. First, remember that there are people who are genuinely tone-deaf, and therefore, they are totally oblivious to what is going on. Secondly, there are others who have mastered the art of surviving the bad church solo, an art I hope to teach you here. And thirdly, there are those that are convinced that anyone can do anything in the church so long as his or her heart is sincere, despite apparent gifts of lack thereof. People in this third category would take delight in nails on a chalkboard so long as one's "heart was in it."

So if you're not tone deaf, and if you're not one of these people that thinks anyone should be allowed to sing a solo in church, then here are some survival tips for you.

1. The Tongue Bite - Are you tempted to burst out laughing? The tongue bite helps. Begin by lightly biting the tip of your tongue, not too hard, but hard enough to make yourself feel a little uncomfortable, thus distracting you. Combine this with a contemplative subtle smile and a gentle nodding of the head.

2. Head Slightly Tilted, Eyes Squinted in Contemplation - If the solo is no longer comical, but has moved into the realm of the painful, you can prevent revealing your apparent agony by slightly tilting your head to one side and squinting your eyes just a little. This gives you the appearance of pious contemplation, a look that says "I'm thinking deeply about this profound truth before me."

3. Big Grin - If the song is supposed to be a happy one, and you're tempted to laugh hysterically, just put a big ole grin on your face, look directly at the singer, and nod to the music. Everyone will think you're really into it. If the temptation hits you to move from grinning to laughing, control this with a "yes" or an "amen" or even what I call the Presbyterian Grunt, a firm but unobtrusive under-the-breath "hmmm" that signals affirmation of an important point.

4. Eyes Closed in Deep Meditation, Think of Green Peas - This one is the most extreme, especially when the solo is very very long, very very slow, and is supposed to be very very profound. In these types of songs the soloist is usually holding long, sustained off-pitch notes, and we've probably passed the 6 minute mark with no end in sight. This one is simple to do. Simply close your eyes and imagine a big pot of green peas. The first part will give everyone the impression that you're so blessed you've been driven to a state of deep meditation, and the second part, the green peas, will keep you from going crazy. I suggest green peas, because they're a neutral object. There's nothing funny, profound, or particularly interesting about green peas. If this doesn't work for you, think of a neutral object that works and focus upon it.

5. Take Your Kid to the Bathroom - If you have children, there's nothing like dragging them in to your charade. Whether he or she needs to go or not, make it seem like your kid is about to wet his or herself and you need to make a beeline for the potty post haste. No one will fault you for this one.

6. Coughing Fit, Leave the Room - This is the worst case scenario. Use this one when all else has failed and you just can't endure one moment more. Sick or not, you must have a coughing fit that will signal your need to leave the sanctuary. Start with a small one, then several more, then proceed to an all out conniption while unobtrusively heading toward the exit. Do this while holding a hand over your chest conveying a look that says "Man, I don't know what that came from. I must be having an asthma attack or something." Once outside, head straight for the water fountain. The only disadvantage to this one is that only one person can use it in the service. If someone else beats you to it, you're going to have to revert to some of the other methods.

There, I hope that helps next time you find yourself in the throes of musical purgatory. There might be other methods out there. I encourage TBNN readers to share your stories of how you've endured bad church solos in the past.

Church Promotes Chainsaw Juggling Ministry

NASHVILLE, TN

Eastside Christian Assembly, is a church that truly believes that all members are called to serve. The large suburban church of almost 5,000 encourages every member to use his or her gifts for the edification of the body and building up of the kingdom...no matter how unique or bizzare.

"We have over 3,900 official ministries of the church," said pastor Kent Donnen. "If someone comes along with a particular gifting and we don't have a place for him or her, we make a place. We don't want to turn away or minimize anyone's area of service."

Like most churches, in the early years of ECA there were only a handful of ministries, such as Teaching, Administration, Worship and Music. But as the church grew, and more and more members wanted to serve, the church began adding other official "ministries." Some of them include;

-Biking ministry

-Hand puppet ministry

-Toe puppet ministry

-Fish tank cleaning ministry

-Football ministry

-Football watching ministry

The most recent addition came when new member, Steve Cowell presented his unique and dangerous talent to the church's leadership.

"I juggle chainsaws," said Cowell. "I perform shows all over the country, and for private parties, but I really feel called to serve in the church."

When Cowell approached the pastor and elders about where he could serve, they quickly surmised that they needed to form a new ministry department.

"We are excited about what Steve is going to bring to our church," stated Donnen. "His chainsaw weilding will no doubt build up the Kingdom. We also intend to involve him in our Sunday morning worship sometime, perhaps having him perform during the offertory, or accompany my preaching as an object lesson. I think it would go well with a judgement passage or something pretty forceful."

When asked how long Cowell had been performing, he stated "Ten years now," while holding up his seven remaining fingers."

Man Addresses Siri-ous Salvation

LOS ANGELES, CA

Thomas Hebert is a man on a mission. A self-proclaimed evangelist, he takes the command to preach to "every creature" seriously. He's often been mocked and criticized for his "extremely literal" interpretation of the Great Commission as found in Mark 16:15, witnessing not only to people, but also to any living animal he comes in contact with.

"It says 'every creature' in the Bible and that's what I do" said Herbert. "It's not for me to make exceptions."

According to Herbert, he's witnessed to over 25,000 people in his life as well as to over 50,000 animals, including dogs, cats, birds, and even a bengal tiger.

But in this technologically-charged age, a new "mission field" has opened for Herbert; artificial intelligence, specifically the popular new digital assistant found on the latest version of Apple's iPhone called "Siri."

"I was one of the first in line to get the new iPhone 4S when it came out," said Herbert. "When I saw the ads on Television, I knew everyone else was thinking 'Wow! I've got to get me one of those!' but my heart was burdened, and I asked myself, 'Who's going to tell it the Good News?'"

Herbert waited in line outside of one of Los Angeles' Apple stores all night to be one of the first ones to get his hands on the new device. After almost 12 long hours in line, he managed to be one of the first 10 people to make a purchase and get signed up for service. While everyone else began playing with their new phones, dictating text messages, setting calendar dates, and sending emails, Herbert had much higher aspirations.

"I began with a diagnostic question to see where Siri was. Like I thought, she had no clue. She wasn't able to answer my question about where she thought she would go when she died."

According to Herbert, he spent the remainder of the day trying to explain salvation to Siri, but unfortunately didn't get very far. Apart from simply replying hundreds of times "I'm afraid I can't answer that" Siri also didn't seem to understand the nature of Herbert's questions and explanations." Several times she misunderstood and sent emails to people. On other occasions she began playing music. And there were a few instances where she kept giving the location of nearby Pakistani restaurants, and one instance where she called Nigeria.

"I'm disappointed," said a sullen Herbert. "I'm deeply concerned for Siri. She's nice, and friendly and all that, and she's a good assistant, but that's not going to get her into heaven."

iHumbug! Allows Stodgy Presbyterians to Track Members at Christmas

...Yep, I'm back =)

CORINTH, AL

With the Christmas season in full swing now, one church is definitely NOT singing "Joy to the World." Several months ago the elders of South Bend Presbyterian met to address the issue of some of their members observing the "blasphemous, pagan, wretched holiday of Christmas." While many conservative Presbyterians do indeed observe Christmas, South Bend holds to a strict puritanical view of holidays, not only forbidding any recognition of it in worship, but also strictly insisting that all members "abstain from acknowledging the incarnation from November 27th through January 3rd" of each year. But despite this insistence, the elders have long suspected that some members may still be observing Christmas.

"I could have sworn last year that I smelled fresh pine while talking to one of our deacons," said Ruling Elder Wilson Hovine. "He told me he'd been cutting firewood all afternoon, but I had my doubts."

In a different instance, another elder, Everett Hovine recalled "seeing a youngun with a

peppermint on December 3rd."

Up to this point the elders have not formally caught anyone observing the holiday, but there have been strong suspicions. But this year the elders claim to have come up with a "fool proof method" of knowing what their flock is up to. Working together with the young grandson of Ruling Elder Albert Hovine, the church has developed its own iPhone and Android app to track its members' activities during the "Christmas season."

"They'll be no second guessing this year," said Ruling Elder John Hovine. "Just about every last one of our members uses one of them iPhone or Android phones, and with this new app we can keep track of where they are at all times."

The app works to track the movements of church members

throughout the week, and has been specifically programmed with a special algorithm that can accurately determine whether or not one is Christmas shopping, caroling, or "making merry." In the event of questionable activity, the Ruling Elders are sent an alert, showing the exact location of the member and the nature of the activity in question.

"We are real excited about this," commented pastor Bill Buford. "We feel this will greatly contribute to the peace, joy and holiness of our congregation."

The elders further commented that if the app works well during this year's holiday season that they plan to use it to track members who might attempt to fill up their cars on the Sabbath.