Couple Dumps Church for Year-Round Ministry Cruises

Peoria, Illinois - Don and Mildred Dodson have been faithful churchgoers their whole lives. From the time they were both little they can recall having to attend Sunday School, and services every Sunday morning, Sunday evening and Wednesday night. Then there were "revival Sundays" that began "revival week" which meant a full week of extra church services. They were married in a church and all their married life were active in Baker Street Baptist Church in Peoria. Now in their early 70s, after a lifetime of faithful church attendance, they've stopped going altogether.

"As we got older and retired we started touring the world together," said Don. "So we were missing church a lot anyway. There were some times when we were gone seven to eight weeks in a row."

Like many in the Dodson's position, they began to feel slightly guilty about not being involved in a church anywhere.

"I'll be honest," said Mildred, "I did start to feel a little bad about never hardly going anymore. We'd show up to church after not being there for a month or two and people would say 'Well hello there strangers!' We were just starting to feel a bit uncomfortable."

But recently the Dodson's dilemma was seemingly solved as they have discovered a new venue to fulfill their spiritual needs - ministry cruises year round.

"I was looking on the internet one day and came across this ad for a cruise to the Bahamas with some preacher named Creflo Dollar," said Mildred. "It looked interesting to me so I started to read up on it. Supposedly you go on this cruise and just have to go sit in on some seminars or something."

As the Dodsons soon learned, literally hundreds of ministries around America and the world have annual ministry cruises usually to exotic places around North and South America with a few to Europe and Asia. After putting together a list of various tours and dates they came up with enough cruses to fill almost an entire year."

"We found 46 separate ministry cruises that didn't conflict with each other," said Don. "We simply figured that during a regular church year we'd miss at least 6 weeks because of vacation or sickness, so this just worked out perfectly."

While the schedule will be tight at times and the cost expensive the Dodsons feel they can make it work out without too much trouble, as Mildred noted, "I figure the amount we'll save in tithe each week will offset the cost some."

Covenant Thighs Helps Morbidly Obese Pastors

For pastor Steve Pullin having the internet in his office was a huge temptation for him. Week after week he'd find himself distracted as he sat at his desk trying to work on his sermons. There, just inches from his fingertips was the keyboard and the 22" monitor, always seemingly beckoning him to "take a little look."

"I'll admit, it was always a huge problem for me," said Pullin. "It was like I couldn't control myself. I'd spend two, three, sometimes four hours a day pulling up sites on the internet."

For Pullin, whose weight peaked this past March at 421 lbs, the temptation was food websites, a problem facing more and more pastors whose work often calls upon them to sit in offices either preparing sermons, counseling people, making phone calls or planning church events.

"It started out simple enough for me. At first it was a simply recipe for southwest cornbread and before I knew it I was looking up restaurant websites, food manufacturers and even famous chefs. It was like I couldn't stop."

Pullin tried again and again to stop his problem but to no avail, that was until he found a new software called Covenant Thighs. Modeled after the popular internet accountability software Covenant Eyes, the software remotely monitors and records all internet activity on a computer and sends a weekly report to accountability partners. The records cannot be altered, and the software cannot be removed without one's accountability partners being notified.

"I've lost 35 lbs since April," said Pullin. "When I signed up for the software I immediately felt a sense of relief come over me."

The software is free but the monitoring service cost $6.49 a month, which Pullin says is "worth every penny."

With obesity a major problem in the United States the developers of Covenant Thighs expects more and more Christians to begin using the software.

"We're excited about where we can go with this," said Mark Cross, the president of Covenant Thighs. "We're running a special this month where you get your first month free and we register you to win a free treadmill."

Man Changing World One Facebook Group at a Time

Peoria, Illinois - "I'm part of the solution now," says Peter Cardwell as he proudly opens up his Facebook profile. At just 31 years old, Cardwell is determined to make a real impact for the Kingdom through the use of Facebook groups and causes. From his mother's basement in Peoria, Cardwell rises each morning about 11:00 and spends 12 to 14 hours per day on what he calls his "mission field."

"I started doing this about 2 years ago after I lost my job at Subway," said Cardwell. "I started this group called 'Just Because I Lost My Job, I'm Not Losing Faith' and about 9 people joined, so I began thinking this could really take off in a big way."

After that Cardwell began spending more and more time on Facebook, each day starting new groups and causes, making more friends and inviting people to join his "missionary" endeavors. He now administrates over 4000 groups and has started over 6000 causes. Some examples of his groups include:

The Former Christian Employees of Subway Network - 3 members
Let's Finally Overturn Roe vs. Wade - 6 members
Christians United Against Hugo Chavez - 2 members
Let Your Kids Join Facebook this Sunday, They Need and Deserve It! - 4 members
Believers Who Want to Leave Britney Alone - 75 members

Since he started spending more and more hours on Facebook each day Cardwell has dropped out of church, choosing rather to sacrifice his Sundays in order to spread the gospel.

"I did go to church occasionally before all of this got started, but I really believe that this is my true calling in life" he said. "There's a lot of hurting people out there on Facebook who are looking for a group to plug into. I don't really care if each group doesn't get that big. It's not about numbers."

Cardwell is currently being supported by his 59-year-old mother, Patricia Cardwell, and says that he has no plans to go back to work in the "secular world" anytime soon.

"I'm devoted to this. This is my calling, and I have no plans to quit. You wouldn't up and ask a missionary to Africa to quit what he's doing and come back home to work at McDonald's would you? It's hard work sitting here all day for hours on end with nothing but pizza, fried chicken, Oreos, potato chips and Dr. Pepper to keep me going, but I'm willing to make the sacrifice."

Blogging in Tongues Yields Interesting Results

Daytona Beach, Fl - About a year ago Mark Heinburger got "inspired." After a number of his friends started using various free "blog" websites to post occasional thoughts, pictures and even video clips, Heinburger decided that he too needed to join the blogosphere. After searching through several different free blog sites he made a decision to join one. All that was left to do was to choose a theme for his blog and topic for his site.

"I went for a pretty basic theme" said Heinburger. "I didn't want anything too flashy. I've seen so many blogs out there with all kinds of flashy crazy colors and graphics, but that's not what I'm about. So I just wanted mine to be plain with just a few little pictures here in there."

All was going well for Heinburger until the time came for him to actually make his first post.

"I sat in front of a blank screen for several hours" stated Heinburger. "I just didn't know where to begin. As a Christian I wanted to say something important and useful but I've never been much of a writer."

As the time passed Heinburger started a number of different posts only to become frustrated, erase them and start over again. This situation went on for several days until finally, late one night Heinburger claims he received a "revelation."

"I just sat in front of the computer and suddenly the most amazing thing happened" said Heinburger. "I just started typing, just anything, just whatever came to my mind. It just kept coming and coming without stopping. I didn't know what was happening to me."

When it was over Heinburger realized that had typed a rather lengthy post, but with one major distinguishing factor; it was all in "tongues." He quickly posted his words and went to sleep. He awoke the next morning and received quite a surprise.

"I woke up and checked my email to see that I had almost 50 comments on my first post" he said. "I checked my stats and over 2000 people have visited my site in just the day. All of these people were visiting my site and posting their interpretations of what I had written in tongues."

An excerpt from one of Heinburger's post along with an interpretive comment reveals the following.

"skdit bhwosidth sdkh ! weiu ueif ywqplcxnf duwiel! dhsido? sdlkjq0gjn, sdld, tqnod, thewioghs wehros q wepop hfow!"

To which one commenter interpreted.

"The Cubs are NOT going to win the 08 World Series!"

Heinburger continues to make daily "prophetic posts," and his site continues to grow in popularity in the blogosphere.

"This is my spiritual gift" Heinburger went on to say. "I've never spoken in tongues, but I guess I'm called to blog in tongues."

TBNN learned that Heinburger has also been approached by several major book publishers about writing a book entirely in tongues.

Top Republican Candidates Speak Out on Religious Views

On Wednesday TBNN was proud to bring you exclusive statements from the top two Democratic candidates for President, Senators Hillary Clinton and Barak Obama. Today we now turn our attention to the Republican side of the aisle. But in the case of the Republican candidates, we have more to read about. Thus far, four main candidates are are showing a strong running to win the nomination for their party, Senator John McCain, former New York Mayor Rudolph (Rudy) Giuliani, Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee, and former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney. Their statements are presented as follows in no particular order.

Mitt Romney:

"It's time to set the record straight about who I am and my faith. Yes, I am a Mormon, and proud to be. My faith to me is very important. It is the driving force in my life. But being a Mormon in American is difficult at times. We have suffered persecution and misunderstanding. Since announcing I would run for president I have had questions asked to me 'So Mitt, if elected would you wear your holy undies in the oval office?' and jokes like 'So, I guess there'll be no coffee or tea at the cabinet meetings' and my favorite 'So, are we going to change the name of Camp David to Camp Joseph Smith?' But I take all of these things in stride and with a grain of salt realizing that most people are just ignorant of what we really believe. And what do we really believe? We believe the same things you do. Mormonism is really no different from the Reformed Faith. We basically believe the same thing. And that's my encouragement to you. Don't let my Mormonism be a hindrance for you. Other than things like the Trinity, salvation by faith alone, baptism for the dead, etc. we really just believe the same things."

John McCain:

"Okay, I know what you're thinking. 'John McCain, what kind of Republican is he going to be? He's Episcopalian for crying out loud.' And believe me, I completely understand. Me and the other 17 Republicans in the Episcopal church often get together and discuss whether or not we should switch to another denomination or not, but it just always gets too complicated. But in all honesty, let me set your minds at ease. Although I'm an Episcopalian, I'm still a Republican and still a conservative. I don't know a lot about Reformed theology, but I've known a couple of Presbyterians in my life and they've all been really nice people on the whole, with the exception of this one old elder I knew who was always really grumpy. But that's beside the fact. The point is, um, well, I forgot the point. Just trust me. Vote for me. You won't regret it."

Rudolph (Rudy) Giuliani:

"Dear Reformed People. I thank you for this opportunity to share with you my views on religion. I grew up Roman Catholic and almost, at one time, entered the priesthood. But, as you all know, that never materialized, and so law and politics became my pursuits. But I want you to know that despite the fact that I support abortion and gay marriage that Pat Robertson has endorsed me. That's right folks, Pat endorses me. So if you're questioning whether or not I should be your next President, just say to yourself, "Well, Pat supports him, he must be okay.'"

Mike Huckabee:

"As most of you already know, I'm a Baptist. I have pastored churches in the past, and have been a member of the Southern Baptist convention almost all my life. While I realize that The SBC is not the friendliest place in the world to Calvinists, I can assure you with all honesty that I will be a president for all peoples, for Calvinists and Arminians. Under my administration, Calvinists will be welcomed and affirmed. I even have hopes for putting some Calvinists on my staff once in office. So fear not to vote for old Mike. Who knows, if I'm predestined to win (ha, ha ha,) it's going to happen right?"

Top Democratic Candidates Speak Out on Religious Views

Note: On Friday's edition of TBNN we will present the views of the top Republican candidates.

It is no secret who the top to contenders are for the Democratic nomination. Since the beginning of the Presidential campaign, Senators Hillary Clinton and Barak Obama have dominated the news. For both candidates, a White House win would mean a history-making first for the United States, Clinton being the first woman president, Obama being the first African-American to hold the office. Current polls show both candidates running neck-in-neck with one another, and both candidates are realizing that in order to win the nomination they are going to have to "beef up" their campains.

We here at TBNN, in order to help our readers be more informed during this election campaign time have asked both Senators to make brief statements regarding their religious views. They are as follows,

Senator Clinton:

"My fellow Calvinists, it was the great Puritan theologian John Owen who said 'Be killing sin, or it will be killing you.' How true those words are. How important it is for us to root out those things in our lives which so easily beset us that we may continue to fight the good fight.

I want you to know, especially this election season, that I stand for you, the Reformed community. Though I grew up in the Methodist tradition, I am proud to have known several Calvinists growing up. I'll never forget our neighbor down the street, a kind and gentle old lady every simply called 'Aunt Lola.' She went to a Presbyterian church, and she would always bring us chicken soup if she heard that one of us were sick. Though I never talked about theology with her, you could see her Calvinism pouring off of here, and though my theology might not necessarily be "Reformed" per se, I have always believed that I am a Calvinist in spirit.

With that in mind, I want to encourage you to "choose" me. I'll admit that I want to laugh a little bit when I say that because I know that Calvinists believe that everything has already been planned and ordained. So I then encourage you to simply participate in what has already been predestined to happen, that is my election as President of the United States. Thank you for your time, and support. By Grace, Hillary Clinton

Barak Obama:

"We live in an important time, at this juncture in our history. We find ourselves at the threshold looking outward to that which is greener and brighter. And so, it is imperative that we listen and function within that framework of livelihood and exuberance. Vitality is the key. Let us now grow weary, but labor on in the methods taught us. Let us fly forward to new heights of achievement and grace in our lives.

It was my grandmother who said to me, "Barak, there's no one who can say that." I remember those words. They were instilled in me at a young age, and I've tried to live by them every day. And I can tell you that with all honesty they have truly affected my life. I find comfort and peace daily. And we as Americans, as Christians, who hold dear that to which we have been holding find more than enough. Yes, more than enough that we should cherish those same ideals.

So I ask you, is not the choice clear? Seize that which is of essence and walk through the tunnel to its end. Sincerely, Barak Obama."

Don't Miss The "Amazing Air-Gun"!!!!

You've heard him rant against Calvinisim. You've seen him tasered live on stage. Now see the amazing Air-Gun Caner like you've never seen him before! You'll not want to miss "The Amazing Air-Gun and His Traveling Arminian Circus!"

Watch and listen in awe and wonder as The Amazing Air-Gun makes profound theological points and backs them up with the most amazing illustrations out there today! You'll not want to miss the amazing feats such as...

-Bungee jumping over a pit of live alligators (illustrating the virgin birth)
-Setting himself on fire (illustrating the perils of Calvinisim)
-Being sawed in half (illustrating the rapture)
-Being buried alive beneath an ant bed while covered in honey (illustrating the parable of the Sower and the Seed)
-Making himself float (illustrating the parting of the Red Sea)

Also watch in amazement as The Amazing Air-Gun makes the collected works of John Owen disappear live on stage!

And you want want to miss his grand finale when he offers an invitation by being fired out of a cannon through five rings of fire into a tank of piranhas.

Be sure not to miss the Biblical exposition of a lifetime. When "The Amazing Air-Gun and His Traveling Arminian Circus" comes to town!

Sermon Writers Guild Goes on Strike: Churchgoers Face Sermon Repeats

New York, New York - Pastors across the country suddenly found themselves in a bit of a predicament this past weekend as Sunday morning quickly approached. The trouble began Saturday afternoon when word began spreading that the Sermon Writers Guild was going on strike on the grounds that they were not being paid enough for their work.

The Sermon Writers Guild has, for the most part, been a secret to the church-going public. Founded in 1977, the organization started out as a small group of theologians and laypersons who were "gifted and creative in the art of preaching" but lacked the charisma necessary to pastor and lead a congregation. When the group was formed they began offering sermon writing services for "witty pastors who lacked scholarly abilities" and who were "less than studious" for a fee of only $20 per sermon. Over the years the guild expanded to over 1500 "ghost preachers" who have written sermons for some of the most famous pastors in the country.

While the price of the sermon service has risen over the past thirty years to $75, many members of the guild have felt an increasing frustration towards many of the pastors for whom they write sermons.

"We put a lot of time and effort into our work to produce a good sermon, custom written according to the specs of the pastors" said Allen O'Brian, a twenty-year member of the guild. "We do it all, hell-fire-and-brimstone, touchy-feely social gospel, health-wealth-and-prosperity, ultra-liberal to ultra-conservative, and we're still only getting paid $75 per message. When we try to raise the price all we get is complaints. Some of these pastors are making more than CEOs of major companies. I know they can afford to pay us more."

For obvious reasons, few pastors were willing to talk with TBNN about the current strike. But one pastor, who asked only to be identified as "Pastor O," was willing to be questioned.

"I've been using the Sermon Writers Guild since I started out preaching," said Pastor O. "My daddy used them before I did. I don't really think it's wrong because I do actually tell the writers the themes and the ideas that I want in the sermons, and hey, presidents do this kind of thing too. But now with the strike on it's going to be really tough for a while. I haven't actually written a sermon in...well...I suppose I've never actually written a sermon. But I've had to recycle some old ones."

And "recycle" was the decision that most pastors made this past Sunday. As it turns out, most pastors who regularly use the Sermon Writers Guild normally put in their requests Saturday evening. When word of the strike came Saturday afternoon most found themselves within 15 hours of Sunday morning services with nothing to preach.

"I pulled out an old one from about 5 years ago," said Pastor O. "I was hoping no one would notice, but we have a really large church. I'm afraid that someone has probably caught on already. Not to mention that we're on television, and no doubt someone has picked up that something isn't just right. I don't know if I can afford for this to go on too long."

But at this point in time no one knows exactly how long the strike will continue, and churchgoers may be faced with "rerun sermons" for some time to come.

"We feel like it's time to move from a per-sermon fee to a more commission based fee, especially for the larger churches" said O'Brian. "If such-and-such pastor is racking in $100 million a year for his sermons then I think %5 of that would be more than fair."

"We made it through one Sunday" said Pastor O, "but I'm already worried about next. I don't think we're going to get this resolved before then. I've looked into hiring non-union writers, but I'm just not sure of the quality I'll get. I'd take a shot at preparing my own sermon, but I'm not sure where I'd begin."

Martin Luther's Body Exhumed, Found "Rolled Over"

Wittenburg, Germany - In a shocking story that is now making headlines on only the most reputable of news sources, a recent exhumation of the body of Martin Luther showed that the Reformer has indeed "rolled over in is grave." Luther was buried beneath the pulpit of the Castle Church in Wittenburg after his death in 1546. As noted in the records of the burial ceremony, Luther was placed within the tomb laying on his back. When the work crew opened the tomb over the weekend to perform maintenance on it, they found the remains of Luther lying face down, indicating that at some point over the past 450 years something has caused Luther to roll over. Many theories and questions now abound.

"This is, in some ways, both funny and highly disturbing" stated Peter Lundenfestenaker, pastor of Peace Lutheran Church in Green Bay, Wisconsin. "Various people within Lutheranism have joked over the years when this or that new policy was passed that 'Luther must be rolling over in his grave' and low and behold, we find that he has."

Indeed, there have been numerous complaints over the past 200 years that many Protestant churches in general have departed from the Biblical Christianity that was espoused by Luther and the other Reformers.

"It's no shock to me" said Michael Ingvestenknocken, pastor of Soli Deo Gloria Lutheran Church in St. Paul, Minnesota. "We've gone in every direction except straight for well over the past one hundred years. I'm not the least bit surprised that this has happened."

In the past 500 years since the beginning of the Reformation, many have surmised that Protestantism no longer, on the whole, represents its original foundations. Some of those foundations which are seemingly no longer important include the doctrines of Sola Scriptura, Solus Christos, Sola Fide, Sola Gratia and Soli Deo Gloria.

"We gave up on all of that sola stuff a long time ago" said Rev. Patricia Hines, pastor of Trinity Presbyterian Church (USA) in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. "While that kind of jargon worked in Luther's time, we feel the true spirit of the Reformation today lies in the questioning of what is believed to be true, and seeking out new paths of spiritual exploration. That's essentially what Luther did, he questioned the status quo. He wasn't going to be bound by a theocratic dictatorship that would tell him what to believe. I believe it was Luther who said 'My conscience is captive," and we must have the same attitude. Our consciences are free only with they become captive to our own free thinking."

While the religious world looks on in curiosity and waits for an explanation as to why Luther has done a one-eighty, many are dismissing it as merely coincidence. But the situation has brought to light the question as to whether the "Spirit of the Reformation" has indeed, by and large, been lost in Protestant Christendom.

When asked what continues to make Protestants distinct from the Roman Catholic Church one minister commented,

"I believe the 'Spirit of the Reformation' is still alive and well today. Protestants are still seeking independence from the shackles of Rome" said Rev. Brian Humphries, pastor of Little Hills Episcopal Church in Nashville, Tennessee. "We won't be bound by outdated doctrines such as the virgin birth, or the literal resurrection story like Rome still teaches. Furthermore, Rome still has this idea of sin, which we enlightened Protestants gave up on a long time ago. And even more so today the Catholic church continues to hold a very close-minded view on issues such as abortion and homosexuality, which we too have become more enlightened about. So I think the Reformation continues today."

So on this Reformation Day, in light of these strange and unusual events, many Protestants may find themselves faced with the question "Is the true Spirit of the Reformation still at work in our lives and in our churches today?"