Thomas Kincade Bible Set for Release

Serious Preface: Before today's silliness I would echo my brother's request from yesterday. Please be in prayer for those in the path of Hurricane Gustav. I am particularly concerned as a good 75% of my immediate family live in Baton Rouge, Louisiana (including Brother Slawson!) So as most of you are waking up and reading this Monday morning, they are going to be hunkered down. Thanks. Now you can laugh...

Word Publishing is gearing up for its latest release the Thomas Kincade Bible of Light. The Bible features over 400 inspiring paintings by the popular artist intermingled with the NIV version of the Bible.

"This is an exciting new release," said Michael Patterson, chief editor for the project. "We think that this Bible will really inspire people as they read God's Word each day, or each week, or month. It also makes a great conversation piece, so one might could say it is perfect as a tool for sharing the gospel."

The Bible is set to go on sale this Friday at major Christian retailers around the country, and will be available in genuine leather, calfskin or gold leaf. The Bible also comes with a deluxe display case. Prices range from $189.99 for the genuine leather edition to $679.99 for the deluxe gold leaf, Young Pastor's Study Edition with built-in security alarm for the display case.

"The One Week Bible" Not Catching On

Carol Stream, Il - Tyndale House Publishers reported on Thursday that since the release of The One Week Bible three months ago sales have been "significantly less than expected." Sales reports for the first quarter show that a mere 13 copies have sold since The One Week Bible hit the shelves in May.

Many are already familiar with the popular One Year Bible, available in a variety of translations and conveniently divided into 365 daily readings taking approximately 30-35 minutes each, allowing the reader to steadily read through the whole Bible in a period of one year. But The One Week Bible is designed to be much more "intense," dividing the Bible into seven readings of roughly 10 hours and 20 minutes thus allowing a person to read the whole Bible in one week.

The idea for The One Week Bible was developed over the last year at Tyndale House. Various audio Bibles that have been released have shown that the Bible can be read through from beginning to end in about 72 hours. With this in mind Tyndale set out to release a Bible for people who wanted a more "intense reading" of Scripture. Tyndale first designed and test marketed The Three Day Bible, in which the Bible was conveniently divided into three "daily" readings of about 24 hours each, but the product was received rather poorly. Tyndale then began working on The One Week Bible hoping to attract a larger audience.

But now the extremely poor sales have become a major concern for Tyndale House. Having printed over 40,000 copies and having only sold 13, marketing directors are beginning to question whether or not the release of The One Week Bible was the wisest course of action.

"We knew going in that this was going to be for a particular market, but we weren't expecting sales to be this low," said Tyndale Vice President of marketing Roger Schultz. "We're going to try and restructure some of our approaches to marketing and see what develops. Perhaps we need to target more specific audiences with, say, The One Week Women's Bible or The One Week Teen Extreme Bible."

Todd Bentley Study Bible Set for Release

Lakeland, Fl - Charismatic and controversial evangelist Todd Bentley announced on Sunday the up-and-coming release of the Todd Bentley Shaka-Laka-Bam Fresh Fire Kick You in the Face Lakeland Revival Study Bible. For months since the beginning of the so-called "revival" led by Bentley in Lakeland many have criticized his methods and message as being unbiblical. But with the release of the TBSLBFFKYFLRSB, Bentley promises that everything will be made clear.

"There are so many out there who are criticizing my work here, which is the work of God of course," said Bentley. "They point to passages here and there, and they totally forget the fact that God talks to me directly, therefore I get extra stuff that's not in the regular Bible, and people should just accept that what I say is true and from God. So what I've done here is put together my own version of the Bible with my own writings, therefore we can say that what we're doing down here is 'Biblical' and no one can question it."

TBNN was able to obtain a copy of the TBSLBFFKYFLRSB. One verse includes Bentley's own version of the "Great Commission."

"Behold, all authority is given to you in heaven and on earth, go therefore into all the world and beat the living snot out of people in my name, kicking old ladies in the face, tackling Filipinos until their teeth pop out, and kneeing people in the stomach, baptizing them in the name of the Father, the Son and the Shaka-laka-bam!" - The Gospel According to Bentley 23:4

The TBSLBFFKYFLRSB is expected to go on sale by the end of the week during Bentley's "revival" meetings for $149.95. Each paperback copy will supposedly "heal any sickness or disease."

Zondervan Releases World's Smallest "Purpose Driven Life"

Grand Rapids, Mi - Zondervan publishing announced on Wednesday the release of the world's smallest edition of Rick Warren's popular book The Purpose Driven Life. The book will be less than an inch tall, about one-half inch wide and be under a quarter of an inch think. The text is complete and unabridged, although it is virtually unreadable without the aid of magnification. But Zondervan has noted that the main purpose of publishing the book so small is not necessarily for it to be read.

"This will allow someone to always have this little book with them wherever they go," said Kurt James, editor for the project. "It can be kept in a purse or in a front pocket next to someone's heart. It fits just about anywhere. So we're not so much worried about people reading it. We want people to be comforted just knowing that they have it with them wherever they go, to remind them that their life has purpose and meaning."

The "book" will be available in a number of styles which include a keychain, metal covered, necklace pendant and a double set as earrings. Also, a special micro-autographed edition will be made available to the first 1000 purchasers.

"If this goes well we can perhaps see more and more of these kinds of books being published," said James. "I know that there have been micro-bibles out there for years, but I can bet you there's never been a micro Zondervan Life Application NIV Bible!"

Zondervan plans to release the tiny Purpose Driven Life this summer about the time most people will be going on vacations and traveling a lot. The cost of the "book" varies depending on the style chosen, but the basic design will sell for $9.95.

"What Spurgeon Really Said" To Hit Shelves Soon

Following comments in Monday's story here at TBNN, the author of What Saint Paul Really Said and What Moses Really Saw, N.T. Wright quickly wrote his latest addition to the world of Christian literature entitled What Spurgeon Really Said. Wright's book examines numerous quotes from the famed 19th-century baptist preacher seemingly indicating that he was a Calvinist. Wright argues that even though the mountain of evidence seems to indicate clearly that Spurgeon was a Calvinist, that we have somehow misunderstood what he was trying to say, that statements such as, "That Christ should offer an atonement and satisfaction for the sins of all men, and that afterwards some of those very men should be punished for the sins for which Christ had already atoned, appears to me to be the most monstrous iniquity that could ever have been imputed to Saturn, to Janus, to the goddess of the Thugs, or to the most diabolical heathen deities." have just been misinterpreted, and that Spurgeon was not necessarily defending the doctrine of particular redemption.

Be sure to pick up your copy of What Spurgeon Really Said today and become even more confused about things that are clear and understandable.

N.T. Wright's Latest "What Moses Really Saw"

From N.T. Wright, the noted author of What Saint Paul Really Said, comes the latest contribution to the "Reformed" world of theology, informing us that what we have understood about Moses all the years has been completely wrong, and misinterpreted.

Wright ask the question "Did Moses really meet with the God of Israel when he received the Law at Sinai?" Wright answers this question by examining a number of phrases found throughout the Pentateuch including the words "received" and "saw."  He also delves into Moses' motivation for ascending the mountain, surmising that his purpose was not so much to meet with God and to receive the law, but to demonstrate to the people of Israel the significance of his leadership.

Wright also takes us into the mind of ancient Judaism, and what a post-Egypt-enslaved Jew would have understood the word "Law" to mean.  Wright's interpretation also helps to further shed light on such events as the golden calf and the significance that the manna turned to worms when it was a day old.  

If you want to get to the true meaning of what Moses really said, then be sure to pick up a copy of this book today.

Zondervan Launches the "Whatever Bible"

Grand Rapids, Michigan - Zondervan Publishing announced on Thursday the release of their latest "Bible version" called the "Whatever Bible." The Whatever Bible is unique in that it is not really a "Bible" at all in the strictest sense. Rather, it is a leather-bound collection of 500 blank pages upon which one can write whatever he or shee believes to be true. Zondervan will custom print a title on the front of the "Bible" for no extra charge.

"We believe this will open the Bible market out there to people who wouldn't traditionally be attracted to reading the Bible" said Kurt James, the editor for the project. "Instead of trying to bind people to one belief system, we believe it is important for people to come up with their own thoughts for their faith journey."

According to Zondervan, the Whatever Bible will allow each person who buys it to essentially "write their own" Bible, putting down on paper what they think is most important. This might include passages from the Christian Bible, the Koran or quotes from Buddha. One may also choose to write their own interpretive passages.

Thus far the idea is being received with much acclaim.

"This is what we've been waiting for!" said the Rev. Jacob Edmund, pastor of the First Unitarian Universalist Church of Grand Rapids. "My partner and I who co-pastor the church have always encouraged our members to think freely. Some bring the Bible to church but are not happy with all of it. Some bring the Koran, and other's bring Henry David Thoreau. But now people can write whatever they want into the book and it becomes their personal spiritual guide."

"I've already got mine ordered" said Tara Lynn Penter, member of All Souls United Church of Christ in Grand Rapids. "I can't wait to get it. I'm going to put some Bible quotes in there, but only those happy ones, none of that 'slay the wicked' business. And of course some Koran, got to keep Muhammad happy these days you know. And I've got some quotes from Highschool Musical and Sleepless in Seattle that I know will really inspire me when I read them for years to come."

The Whatever Bible comes in brown or black leather at a cost of $49.95.

Wilkinson Writes New Book on "Obscure" Verse

Atlanta, Ga - Millions of Christians across America are eagerly awaiting the next expected best-seller by Christian Author Bruce Wilkinson. Wilkinson, most well known for his Prayer of Jabez that hit the Christian book world by storm, has undertaken to write yet another "small" book that seeks to draw meaning and purpose out of what many consider to be an "obscure" portion of Scripture.

"I was meditating by my window one morning" stated Wilkinson during and interview, "and I was looking out of my kitchen window at two birds playing in a birdbath. I looked down at my Bible and this verse just jumped out at me, 1 Chronicles 26:18. In the King James it reads, 'At Parbar westward, four at the causeway, and two at Parbar.' I stopped and just closed my eyes for a moment. I felt like I was being told something here, something profound. I was having an epiphany of sorts. It was as if someone said to me 'Bruce, think on this verse.' And so I did, and I've put those thoughts on paper."

After Wilkinson's "epiphany" he immediately began to devote his time to discovering the "secrets of this obscure verse."

"I've come to the conclusion that this verse has a deep meaning" stated Wilkinson. "But it's not really the meaning of the verse that is important I've discovered. Believe me I searched high and low to try to find out what a 'parbar' is, and I still have no clue. What is important, though, is the process of uncovering the meaning of the verse. That's why it's in the Bible. It's an exercise for our minds to try and figure it out. So it teaches us that when we go through Scripture and pick out random and difficult verses and try to figure out what they mean, it shows God how much we really care and how truly scholarly we are in striving to understand his Word. When God sees how devoted we are then he's pleased with us."

At Parbar Westward has been written by Wilkinson to teach Christians how to go through the Bible and find the most difficult verses, then how to expound upon them, thus proving to God one's devotion and wisdom.

At Parbar Westward is set to go on sale this weekend.

Zondervan Plans Release of TNAIRSECCLKJMV Translation

GRAND RAPIDS, MICHIGAN

Zondervan Publishing announced on Monday that they plan to release yet another English translation of the Bible in 2008. The new translation known as Today's New American International Revised Standard English Christian Contemporary Living King James Message Version will feature, what Zondervan calls "the best of every English translation out there."

The TNAIRSECCLKJMV (called the 't-nair-seckle-k.j.m.-vee' for short) began five years ago as an effort to produce the "absolute best and perfect translation of the Bible in English."

"This is the culmination of many years of scholarship and study" said Kurt James, editor in charge of the translation. "When this comes out next year this will be the absolute best English translation that you can buy. I have no doubt that the t-nair-seckle-k.j.m.-vee will become the most popular and most widely read English translation in the world in just a few short years."

The TNAIRSECCLKJMV claims to be the first English translation that accurately "captures every nuance and subtlety of the original languages" making it "the last English translation that will ever need to be done." As a result Zondervan plans to also include a campaign to "trade in your old Bible."

"Once you have the t-nair-seckle-k.j.m.-vee you will never need any other translation of the Bible" said James. "You will also never here another pastor who uses this translation ever reference the Greek or Hebrew again because this translation perfectly captures every meaning of every Greek, Hebrew or Aramaic word."

Zondervan further claims that the TNAIRSECCLKJMV is also the first English translation in which all issues of translation that were once controversial in the past have been resolved.

"There were absolutely no disputes over any translations when we got done" said James. "We feel so confident in this translation that from now when we put the Bible into any other language we're going to translate it not from the originals but from the t-nair-seckle-k.j.m.-vee. No other English translation can claim that."

The TNAIRSECCLKJMV is set to be released in the last spring of 2008. The Bible will be available in bonded leather, genuine leather, calf skin, hardback, pew, wide-margin, extra large print, extra small print, and pocket sized in a variety of colors. Zondervan also plans to release multiple study versions of the Bible for teens, women, young men, old men, married men, single men, single women, married women, divorced men, divorced women, men contemplating marriage, women contemplating marriage, men contemplating divorce, women contemplating murder, teens contemplating dating, dating men, dating women, old people with pets, old people with teens, teens who live with old people, and people with lisps.

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New Living Message Makes Popular Translation Even Easier to Understand

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"The Puritan Message" to Hit Shelves Soon

COLORADO SPRINGS, COLORADO

Leonard Harris loves the writings of the Puritans, but has little time these days to "hack through" the tough, theological language in which they are written.

"I really would love to read more of the writings of the Puritans, but I just hate having to hack through all of that complicated theological language." Says Harris. "Those guys were so deep and profound when they wrote, but sometimes sentences just go on and on, and there are sub-points to sub-points to sub-points. I just don't have time for all of that."

Harris' sentiment is not unique either. Many faithful believers avoid the Puritans simply because they find them too difficult to grasp and read.

"I know that [the Puritans] are saying things that are good and helpful spiritually." Said Erin Carnes, who attends a weekly devotional book study at her church in Colorado Springs. "But I just want something I can read, something in my language that communicates to me."

So what to do in this situation? Who can help? None other than Eugene Peterson. Peterson, who is best known for his popular contemporary paraphrase of the Bible, The Message, heard the cry for help and immediately set out to bring the Puritans into the modern age.

"Where else could I begin but with the writings of that Puritan giant, John Owen?" Commented Peterson. "So many people would benefit from his works, but many just can't understand them. He has sentences sometimes that go on for whole pages! Owen needs to be brought into the 21st century and put in the language of today. So I went about this by asking the question, 'How would John Owen have talked if he lived today?'"

Peterson's first edition of The Puritan Message: The Writings of John Owen is due to hit the shelves by mid-April. Samples are already available for viewing online where one can compare the original writings of John Owen with the new Puritan Message paraphrase.

Original:
"The effect, also, and actual product of the work itself, or what is accomplished and fulfilled by the death, blood-shedding, or oblation of Jesus Christ, is no less clearly manifested, but is as fully, and very often more distinctly, expressed; -- as, first, Reconciliation with God, by removing and slaying the enmity that was between him and us;"

The Puritan Message:
"Here's what's happening people. When Jesus died it really worked things out. Everything is totally cool between us and God now."

"I'm pumped!" Said Harris. "I've been waiting for something like this for a long time. I've already got my copy pre-ordered."

The Puritan Message: The Writings of John Owen is 250 pages long, condensing Owen's traditionally multi-volumed work into a single read. In addition to the "contemporary language" of the work, all point and sub-point numbers have been removed giving Owen's writings are more "personal feel." The cost will be $19.95 for hardback, $35.99 for bonded leather, or $59.99 for genuine leather.

Zondervan Investigates Translating the Bible to "Engrish"

GRAND RAPIDS, MICHIGAN

The desire to make the Bible accessible to all kinds of people has brought some "unusual" versions in the past. Notably, there was Clarence Jordan's Cotton Patch Version that paraphrased certain parts of the Bible in a folksy, grass-roots style. More recently there was the movement to "translate" the Bible into ebonics. Now, in an attempt to further see the Scriptures made readable to all kinds of people, Zondervan Publishing is proposing that the Bible be 'translated' into "Engrish."

"Engrish," as it is known, is essentially English that has been translated from another language, often by a non-native English speaker, and usually very poorly. This is most commonly seen on signs and the packaging of products from China and Japan.

"Engrish is becoming very popular." Said Kurt James, editor in charge of researching the possibility of the translation. "For the longest time Engrish has been nothing but the target of humor and ridicule. Now, we here at Zondervan want to show the world that Engrish is legitimate."

Zondervan estimates that the process would take approximately 7-10 years of intense work to accomplish. It would involve first translating the Bible into Mandarin Chinese from the original Greek and Hebrew manuscripts. Then, a group of 12-16 year-old Chinese students would be brought in to attempt to translate the entire Bible back into English, thus resulting in an Engrish version.

"We've already been involved developing a prototype of what the Bible would be like, and we're very excited about the results." Said James. "We've worked for the past 6 months translating 1 Corinthians into Mandarin Chinese and then having the students translate it back again. It turned out better than what we had hoped for!"

If approved Zondervan plans to invest some $3.5 million dollars to see the project through to its completion.

"We want this translation to be spread far and wide." Said James. "I'd like to see an Extreme Teen Engrish Bible or possibly a Women's Engrish Study Bible. We just want to see Engrish speakers everywhere be able to enjoy the Scriptures in a way that they can understand."

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Addressing the questions facing both new and old Calvinists in a clear and straightforward manner, this book gives the basics of what Calvinism is and is not. Included are tips on proper exegesis, consistency in understanding what the Bible has to say and examples of sovereign election and predestination throughout Scripture.
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"Okay, let's imagine a dead man laying on the floor in your house for a moment. I know it's a gross thought, but let's just pretend. Well, you're not too fond of him being there so you scream out 'get up!' but unfortunately he doesn't move. You've got quite a mess on your hands don't you? So you play him some Kenny G...nothing happens...You show him some Thomas Kincade pictures... nothing...You put on your Riverdance CD...nothing. The problem is that he's dead, and no matter what you do he's not going to get up and walk away! Just as a dead man cannot get up and walk, so a man (or woman) who is 'dead in sins and trespasses' cannot respond to the call of the gospel unless he (or she) is first made alive. So how are we going to get that dead man to get up and walk off of Grandma Fanny's antique rug? It's going to take a miracle."


Note: Cartoon is a parody of "The 5th Wave" by Richard Tennant, copyright 2001 by Richard Tennant

Rick Warren's New Book Addresses Christian Animal Rights

LAKE FOREST, CALIFORNIA


Pastor Rick Warren, best known for his books The Purpose Driven Life and 40 Days of Purpose has just had his latest release hit the shelves this past weekend. Forty Days of Porpoises is aimed at addressing the issues surrounding Christians and animal rights.

"I think it's high time that Christians begin realizing the importance of animal rights." Said Warren. "These animals can think, reason, feel and love. If we don't give attention to these amazing creatures we are neglecting a wonderful and beautiful aspect of creation."

The book highlights the needs of Christians to love animals. Part of the forty day plan encourages congregations to make trips to Sea World or other marine life parks or places where Christians can pray for porpoises, feed them and pet them.

Pastor Mark Harris of Abundant Life Fellowship, in Los Angeles is excited about this latest release. "I immediately bought copies for our Sunday School classes." Said Harris. "We want to be the first congregation to participate in this ministry."

Harris further stated that his congregation is planning monthly "pilgrimages" Sea World. In addition, they are trying to arrange an annual "Swim with the Porpoises" day in which members of the congregation will be able to scuba dive with porpoises through a meditative underwater labyrinth.

"We're excited to see what's going to happen." Said Warren. "We know that this will be used to change many people's attitudes towards animals."

A Millennial "No Behind" Novel Suffers from Lackluster Sales

Despite the hype among a millennialists over the new fiction series by William Paxton entitled No Behind, the first few weeks of sales have proved very disappointing. "We weren't anticipating anything like the sales of LaHaye's and Jenkins' Left Behind, but at the same time we weren't expecting such low sales," said Paxton during a recent interview.

In it's first month of sales Paxton's fictional account of the end times sold only 12 copies. A millennialism holds to a literal Second Coming but sees things such as the 7 years of tribulation as figurative for other things that go on in the world throughout history. They also hold that there will be no "secret rapture" of the Church.

"The position basically states that the church is currently in the millennial period, which is figurative and not literal. This will continue until the Second Coming of the Lord." Said Paxton

"How boring is that!" remarked Stacy McLeod, an avid reader and fan of the popular Left Behind series. "I mean, there's no rapture, no panic in the streets when people disappear, no Slavic guy who becomes the Antichrist. It's just the gospel being preached, people getting saved and Jesus coming back. Talk about dull."

Despite the lackluster sales, Paxton is confident that his new novel will catch on. "We've just had a slow start. I'm convinced that as word gets around more and more people will start checking out the book. I think people want variety in their reading. The Left Behind series presents one view. This is mine."