Doctor "Don't Need No Education!"

Hoover, Alabama - He's never been to med school. In fact the man who calls himself "Dr. Eddie Miller" has never even been to college. He graduated from high school in 1987 with a 2.3 GPA and immediately began pursuing his "calling" to the medical profession.

"I felt the call to become a doctor since I was a boy," said Miller. "I was about 7 and caught me a frog and cut him open with my pocket knife. I knew right then and there that I wanted to be a doctor when I growed up."

Miller went on to recount how he spent his days after that watching TV shows about "doctor stuff." He also took every chance he could to catch small live animals and dissect them, so that he could further pursue his "calling." Finally, at the tender age of only 13 he performed his first surgery.

"They found out my uncle Billy had a tumor in his neck. He was going to go to one of them big fancy hospitals where the doctors think they all smart and stuff, but I told him I would do the surgery for free. We knocked him out with a ball-pin hammer and I used my trusty exacto knife. Uncle Billy didn't quite make it that day, but he was too far gone anyway."

Now at the age of 41, Miller operates a small clinic in Hoover where he says he's qualified to perform any medical procedure even though he's never been to med school.

"I don't need no medical board or a bunch of other smarty pants doctors telling me what to do and think. I read my medical journals every day. I've even memorized entire chapters. I can do any surgery or procedure. Brain surgery, spinal surgery, amputations, you name it. I don't need no education. This is a calling."

TBNN tried to reach some of Dr. Miller's patients both current and past for comment, but none could be located.

California Narcissist Plans to Marry Himself

San Francisco, Ca - A recent ruling by the California Supreme Court rejected the legal definition of marriage as "between a man and a woman." While this news has been overwhelmingly received by gay and lesbian communities, others are also finding reasons to celebrate, like Richard Potter, a self-proclaimed narcissist. Potter, who claims to have been in love with himself for over 10 years, was exuberant upon hearing the news.

"I'm still speechless," Potter told TBNN. "I've been wanting to marry myself for years now. This new decision to not limit marriage to just between a man and a woman finally opens up the door for me to plan that big day that I've waited for so long."

Potter has already started planning his "big day." The ceremony will take place at the Park Street Unitarian Universalist Church on Saturday, June 21st of this year. The sanctuary will be decorated with yellow and white roses. Potter, who will wear a dark grey tuxedo, will exchange vows with himself before a crowd of special friends and family. The wedding will be officiated by Park Street's pastor the Rev. Tricia Kirkwood-Hansen-Smyth.

"I'm so in love with myself it drives me crazy," said Potter. "Sometimes in the morning when I'm combing my hair I just stand there and look at my own face longingly in the mirror and just admire my own beauty. Or at other times I just like to snuggle up with myself on the couch on a rainy evening and watch a movie. Whether I'm cooking dinner, or just having a night out on the town, I'm so happy with me and want to make that known to the world out there by committing myself to myself."

"I think what Rich is doing is a beautiful expression of his love for himself," said Kirkwood-Hansen-Smyth. "We know that self-love is the purest form of love. The Bible says somewhere to 'love your neighbor as yourself' I think. Well, I think Rich, more than many, really gets it. He's making that first and foremost commitment to himself, to love himself for the rest of his life, and then, and only then will he truly be able to love others.

Potter also noted to TBNN that being married to himself will finally allow him to file for extra benefits for his spouse and to be able to file 'Married Filing Jointly' on his taxes each year.

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Whether you've worked a hard week of cow-punching on the ranch, shoveling dirt on the job site or breaking bones on the gridiron, you need something more on Sundays than that tiny piece of bread they give you at church. Let's face it, by the time the end of the service rolls around you're hungry and need something to tide you over till you get home and have your fried chicken.

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Pope's Radical Call for Peace Shocks World

Vatican City - On Sunday during traditional Easter celebrations at St. Peter's Basilica Pope Benedict XVI shocked the World by calling for "peace." During his homily the Pope took the opportunity to make statements some have considered "historical" and "unprecedented," calling for peace in Iraq, Tibet and the Holy Land. He also took the opportunity to make other profound statements denouncing hatred, violence and injustice, causing many in attendance to repent upon hearing his words. World leaders also hailed the call as "an historical moment in the history of mankind."

"It is clear to me now as it has never been before" said Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez during his weekly television broadcast to his nation. "All this time I've been trying to rally this country against the United States and its allies, but I've been wrong. As the Pope said, we simply need to be at peace and stop being selfish. These are wise words. Let's just stop being selfish and hateful. I don't know why we didn't think of it before."

After his television address Chavez lived up to his own words by sending President Bush a dozen roses and a CD of Bette Midler's greatest hits. President Bush responded by saying, "I appreciate this show of friendship and commerraderany between our two nations."

Other world leaders reacted similarly to the Pope's words. Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad issued a full apology to Israel for anything negative he has said in the past, expressing a desire to enter into full diplomatic relations with the country. North Korean President Kim Jong Il immediately relinquished power and turned full control of North Korea over to the South Korean government. And Chinese leaders denounced communism releasing all political prisoners and granted Tibet full independence. And for the first time that anyone can remember Israelis an Palestinians simply put aside their differences and embraced in the streets while singing "That's What Friends are For."

"All this time it was so simple" said Fidel Castro, former President of Cuba in a commentary published in a Havana newspaper. "All we simply had to do was stop being mean, selfish and hateful, and suddenly world peace breaks out. Oh if I'd only known years ago, nay decades ago that we as humans simply possessed within ourselves the ability to just stop doing what is wrong and live in perfect peace with one another. How many lives could have been spared the pain."

Crystal Cathedral Tries "Naked Artwork", Concedes It's a "Bad Idea"

Garden Grove, CA - Those who have traveled abroad, especially those who may have toured some of the great cathedrals of Europe, have most likely encountered various paintings, statues and possibly carvings of different stories from the Bible. But all too often, it seems, many of these works depict the characters from the stories either unclothed or practically unclothed.

"It's bizarre" said Bill Christopher, an American who recently toured Europe with his wife. "I don't know where all of these artists down through the centuries got the idea that everyone ran around naked in the Bible."

Indeed famous works have depicted people going out to get baptized by John the Baptist, naked. There are paintings of the last judgment, and often the various subjects in the paintings are naked. Even, perhaps, one of the most famous of all, Michaelangelo's statue of "David" depicts the King of Israel in the nude.

"I just don't understand what the significance is" stated Elizabeth Harden, another recent visitor to Rome. "The only time the subject of naked appears in the Bible, it's often in a bad context."

But still, despite objections, cathedrals throughout the world are still adorned with nudity. And recently this inspired another modern "cathedral" to give it a try. Robert Schuller, founder of the "Hour of Power" and the ministry of the Crystal Cathedral, came to the realization that his "cathedral" was lacking something.

"We have a truly magnificent structure here" stated Schuller, "and we began to think that perhaps we were missing something. As we looked around, we noticed we had no statues and no magnificent works of art. So we began to investigate this further."

After several months of deliberation, Schuller decided the church should be adorned with artwork. The church enlisted the help of a team of five famous contemporary artists from around the world.

"We told them to make our cathedral glorious like those around the world" said Schuller. "We asked them to fill our church with artwork depicting the founding of this ministry and the work we have done here."

Thus, the work began. Statues were carved, paintings were painted, carvings were made and tapestries were woven. Then came the day of unveiling. The artists set up all of the works in the cathedral late one Saturday night to be revealed the next morning during a special commemoration service for the artwork.

The service was filled with much pomp and majesty. The choir sang a number of selections including portions of Handel's Messiah. One of the artist who designed many of the statues for the cathedral, Hiliuajana Rotherovraza, spoke during the service on the nature of the project. At last the moment to reveal all of the works of art came. The orchestra began to play as the lights dimmed. The drums rolled and the sheets were pulled away. In a matter of seconds the sanctuary filled with gasps and sounds of shock. Even Schuller himself stood aghast for a moment. There before the watching eyes of everyone in the congregation were works of art depicting the history of The Crystal Cathedral with every subject in the paintings completely unclothed.

"It was quite disturbing" said one congregation member, Ellis Hathaway. "There were pictures and statues everywhere of Dr. Schuller. In some he was preaching, in another he was shown breaking ground on the Cathedral when it was built. But in every last picture or statue he was as bare as the day he was born."

From that point on in the service Schuller tried to recover some sense of order. Many congregation members left. Others laughed, while still others became ill. Schuller hesitantly thanked the five proud artists who were present and quickly pronounced a benediction of sorts, exiting the stage before anyone could stop him for questioning. All of the works of art were removed later the same day.

"I think, looking back, it was a bad idea" said Schuller. "Perhaps we should have defined a little more clearly what we wanted or at least been more involved in the process."

Schuller went on to state that the Crystal Cathedral has no further plans to add any more artwork or statuary to their church.

Youth Pastors Everywhere Praise Halo 2 - "Bible Edition"

Bellevue, Wa - Youth ministers across the United States eagerly awaited Thursday's unveiling of Microsoft's latest game for their popular Xbox 360. The program? A modified version of the already popular video game Halo 2, only with Bible verses added. First reactions to the product were almost unanimously positive.

"I think it's a tremendous idea" said Michael Redmond, youth minister at Twin Oaks Church of God in Lexington, Kentucky. "The guys in our youth group spend two, three, sometimes five hours a day playing Halo, and probably no time reading their Bibles. Now they can play Halo and still get a fresh dose of God's Word each day."

"This is what I've been waiting for for a long time" said David Kia, youth pastor at Bayside Presbyterian Church in Seattle, Washington. "Now the kids can read their Bibles and still have fun!"

The "campaign" version of the popular video game is set in a fantasy future world in which a lone hero must conquer an alien force that is seeking to destroy the earth. But most players often prefer to play against one another in rounds known as "slayer" or capture the flag. In these instances players either play against one another on the same machine or on multiple machines via the internet or LAN connections. At times as many as twenty to thirty players can be in a match against one another. Halo 2 Bible Edition combines the regular version of the game with Bible verses that appear on the screen at various times, often complimenting the battle scene.

While parents, especially Christian parents, have often wrestled with the morality of the game, with Halo 2 Bible Edition many parents are feeling a greater sense of comfort.

"It used to bother me that he played that game so much" said Elizabeth Grimes of her 13 year-old son Danny. "He would sometimes wake up on a Saturday and play all day long without stopping. He never read his Bible either. But now I'm much more at ease. With those Bible verses always flashing up there I can be assured that he's getting a good dose of the Good Book. I ask him every day now 'Danny, have you played your Halo today?' and if I don't think he's played enough I make him go in there and sit down and play some more."

"Two Sunday nights a month we're going to do away with Sunday night Bible study altogether and just have a Halo tournament" stated Redmond. "It's definitely a much more exciting way to learn about the Bible."

Microsoft founder and CEO Bill Gates commented on the new release
Gates. "What we've simply done here is catered to a particular audience of people, specifically Christians, by incorporating these verses into the game."

Gates went on to further state that more editions of the game are in the works for other religions.

"We are working on a number of other Halo 2 versions such as the Buddhist version where no one gets killed, they simply give food to one another. The one we're most excited about is the Halo 2 Jihad Edition where you get to kill all of the infidels. We think that one's going to be a hit."