New Baptist Hymnal Eliminates "Non-Essential" Verses

NASHVILLE, TENNESSEE

Lifeway Publishing, the official publishing house of the Southern Baptist Convention, announced today the release of a new edition of "The Baptist Hymnal" for 2012.  The hymnal will feature a number of updates and improvements including over 40 new songs, a number of key changes, and extra instrumentation.  In addition, the hymnal will feature most hymns with all but the first and last verses or the first, second and last verses eliminated.

"Most song leaders and music ministers only sing the first and last verses or the first, second and last verses," said Jerry Todd, director of publications for the hymnal.  "To keep people from getting too confused we decided to just save time and go ahead and eliminate them."

Music ministers around the country expressed delight when learning of the new hymnal.

"This will really help," said Larry Moony, a music minister from Macon, Georgia.  "We haven't sung a third verse in over 30 years at our church."

The Bad Church Solo: A Survival Guide

We've all been there at one time or another. It's Sunday morning and the praise and worship portion of the service is done. Now we've reached the time for "special music." Sometimes the choir sings, other times it might be an instrumental piece. But inevitably, at least once a month, there will be a solo.

Yes, the church solo. It seems that no single event in a worship service can elicit such a contrasting array of emotions in a congregation. There's joy and encouragement from a solo well-done. But then there's the utter awkwardness and, quite possibly, physical pain of having to listen to someone who obviously is waiting for his or her talent to blossom in the heavenly choir.

We all know the person I'm talking about. It usually begins the minute you scan over your bulletin and see so-and-so's name written by the words "special music." You let out a subtle, under-your-breath groan, and from that point on, you're attention is distracted as you anticipate the inevitable. And then it comes. The soloist takes center-stage, and with microphone in hand, prepares to drop this bomb of blessing on the congregation, annihilating everything in the room. It's at this moment, while the seemingly endless intro to the song is playing, that you brace yourself for what's about to come. Will you survive the blast?

First, it's important to note, do not be confused by what you perceive to be others' enjoyment of the singing. One of the most confusing aspects of the bad church solo is the apparent delight that others around you are taking in it. Do not let this throw you off. You may see smiling faces, nodding heads, people grinning from ear to ear, feet gently tapping to the beat, all in an apparent blessed state of rapture. But there are several reasons for this. First, remember that there are people who are genuinely tone-deaf, and therefore, they are totally oblivious to what is going on. Secondly, there are others who have mastered the art of surviving the bad church solo, an art I hope to teach you here. And thirdly, there are those that are convinced that anyone can do anything in the church so long as his or her heart is sincere, despite apparent gifts of lack thereof. People in this third category would take delight in nails on a chalkboard so long as one's "heart was in it."

So if you're not tone deaf, and if you're not one of these people that thinks anyone should be allowed to sing a solo in church, then here are some survival tips for you.

1. The Tongue Bite - Are you tempted to burst out laughing? The tongue bite helps. Begin by lightly biting the tip of your tongue, not too hard, but hard enough to make yourself feel a little uncomfortable, thus distracting you. Combine this with a contemplative subtle smile and a gentle nodding of the head.

2. Head Slightly Tilted, Eyes Squinted in Contemplation - If the solo is no longer comical, but has moved into the realm of the painful, you can prevent revealing your apparent agony by slightly tilting your head to one side and squinting your eyes just a little. This gives you the appearance of pious contemplation, a look that says "I'm thinking deeply about this profound truth before me."

3. Big Grin - If the song is supposed to be a happy one, and you're tempted to laugh hysterically, just put a big ole grin on your face, look directly at the singer, and nod to the music. Everyone will think you're really into it. If the temptation hits you to move from grinning to laughing, control this with a "yes" or an "amen" or even what I call the Presbyterian Grunt, a firm but unobtrusive under-the-breath "hmmm" that signals affirmation of an important point.

4. Eyes Closed in Deep Meditation, Think of Green Peas - This one is the most extreme, especially when the solo is very very long, very very slow, and is supposed to be very very profound. In these types of songs the soloist is usually holding long, sustained off-pitch notes, and we've probably passed the 6 minute mark with no end in sight. This one is simple to do. Simply close your eyes and imagine a big pot of green peas. The first part will give everyone the impression that you're so blessed you've been driven to a state of deep meditation, and the second part, the green peas, will keep you from going crazy. I suggest green peas, because they're a neutral object. There's nothing funny, profound, or particularly interesting about green peas. If this doesn't work for you, think of a neutral object that works and focus upon it.

5. Take Your Kid to the Bathroom - If you have children, there's nothing like dragging them in to your charade. Whether he or she needs to go or not, make it seem like your kid is about to wet his or herself and you need to make a beeline for the potty post haste. No one will fault you for this one.

6. Coughing Fit, Leave the Room - This is the worst case scenario. Use this one when all else has failed and you just can't endure one moment more. Sick or not, you must have a coughing fit that will signal your need to leave the sanctuary. Start with a small one, then several more, then proceed to an all out conniption while unobtrusively heading toward the exit. Do this while holding a hand over your chest conveying a look that says "Man, I don't know what that came from. I must be having an asthma attack or something." Once outside, head straight for the water fountain. The only disadvantage to this one is that only one person can use it in the service. If someone else beats you to it, you're going to have to revert to some of the other methods.

There, I hope that helps next time you find yourself in the throes of musical purgatory. There might be other methods out there. I encourage TBNN readers to share your stories of how you've endured bad church solos in the past.

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Kazoo Player Livens up Praise Band

Portland, Or - Paul Dooley loves what he does. While he lives the life of a single, mild mannered 42-year-old accountant who lives with parents during the week, on the weekends he is nothing less than a minor sensation at his home church. A life-long member of Cornerstone Church in Portland, Dooley had longed to be a member of the Praise and Worship band since his early days, but met rejection over and over again.

"I remember when I was 14, I tried to join the Praise Band, but they said that they didn't need a Tuba player" Dooley told TBNN. "Then when I was in college I asked if they would let me play the theremin in the band, but they nixed that idea too. After that I tried the accordion, the washboard and finally a crystal glass array, but each time I was rejected. It seemed that no matter what instrument I played they were never interested."

But finally in March of this year, Dooley approached the band leader once again this time thinking he had finally found a winner. Dooley's instrument of choice? The kazoo. And since his entrance into the band, the church's time of praise and worship has seemingly been raised to new heights.

"At first I was reluctant," said Praise Band leader John Conway. "But, surprisingly, in all my years of knowing Paul, this was the most reasonable instrument he'd presented me with, so I thought I'd at least give him a shot. I'll admit, though, I didn't expect much."

But to everyone's surprise, Dooley's kazoo playing has served to only heighten the worship experience at Cornerstone. Each Sunday now, Dooley stands in front of his microphone, kazoo in hand and offers his own musical interpretation of the songs as he accompanies the band.

"Sometimes I just play the melody and sometimes I'll play some harmony or throw in a descant or counter-melody," said Dooley. "Sometimes I'll even do an intro or a solo to set the mood."

"Ever since Paul has joined our band we've been taken to new heights in our worship," said Cornerstone's pastor Alex Paulson. "When he does that slow moving intro to Storm I get tears in my eyes every time."

Middle-Aged Church-Goers Miss the "Old Timey Praise Choruses"

St. Louis, Mo - It is Sunday morning at Calvary Baptist Church in St. Louis. Mark Treadwell and his wife Amy with their three kids are usually early for worship that begins at 10AM. For Mark and Amy, Calvary Baptist is special to them. Both were raised at the church, and they grew up together in Sunday School through youth group, young singles, and finally into the young married couples class. While the Treadwells have always felt at home at Calvary Baptist some things have recently changed that are making them and others in the church feel a little "uncomfortable" and "left out."

The issue centers mainly around the churches new praise band leader, Perry Kirkwood who began work at the church in January of 2008. Kirkwood replaced the former director, Aaron Milner who had served in the position since 1980. Under Milner's direction the church began to incorporate more contemporary music styles, adding in drums, percussion, more choruses and easy pop-like worship songs. Treadwell remembers it well.

"I was like 12 or 13 when brother Milner came. He caused a lot of stir in the church at first, but I really liked it. I remember the first Sunday we didn't use hymnbooks and were able to look up on the projection screen, which was a whole lot easier. After that church didn't seem so boring anymore, I actually kind of liked going."

But since Milner's departure and Kirkwood's taking the reigns many people around the Treadwells' age have been voicing their displeasure with some of the worship style changes and musical choices.

"We don't sing any of the old-timey praise choruses anymore," said Treadwell. "I remember when we'd sing Lord, I Lift Your Name on High, and As the Deer, but we're not doing any of those kind of songs anymore. And we haven't sung anything from Petra in months now. All we're doing now is these crazy new songs that sound like they were written by heavy metal bands."

Others at the church are expressing similar sentiments along with Treadwell. Eric Hinson, another middle-aged life-long church member commented to TBNN.

"I suppose maybe the young people like this stuff or something, but I want my old-fashioned praise songs back. I mean, there's some songs where we don't even use a synthesizer anymore, it's just electric guitar, bass and drums."

Many have become concerned that this latest trend in worship styles will lead to divisions within the church. Various committees have met to discuss the issue. Two possible solutions include having a "blended service" which will incorporate both old and new contemporary worship styles, or the possibility of having two services each Sunday with an early service being for more traditional contemporary worship and the later service for more contemporary contemporary worship. But it seems that every moment a solution is delayed tensions grow only deeper over the issue.

"I can't bear the thought of leaving Calvary but it's getting to where we just can't worship anymore," said Treadwell. "If something doesn't change soon we'll have to start looking at some more traditional churches that play good old-fashioned music like Amy Grant and Sandi Patti."

"Speaker-Sensitive" Churches Growing

Dayton Beach, Fl - Several months ago Meredith Bailer decided that something had to change. At 83 years of age Bailer, a life long member of a local Methodist Church (name intentionally withheld), had struggled for some time ever since her congregation switched to more contemporary worship almost three years ago. 

  

"I didn't mind the music so much" said Bailer.  "I actually liked some of the songs we sang at the church.  But the problem was the noise.  Those big speakers up at the front just boomed and boomed every time they'd play them drums.  And that one fellow on the guitar would just play so loud that I couldn't even hear myself think."

As it turns out, Bailer discovered she was not the only one who struggled with a sensitivity to loud noises.  Not only did a number of elderly members of the church struggle with the noise issue, but even several of the younger members also. 

Bailer tried each Sunday to endure the 2 hour long service at her church.  But several weeks ago while reading her newspaper she saw and advertisement for a new congregation that was forming in the Dayton Beach area called "New Hope Christian Fellowship."  What caught Bailer's eye was that the church touted itself as being "Speaker-Sensitive." 

"That caught my eye immediately" said Bailer.  "I quickly picked up the phone and called to find out more."

Bailer's call was answered by the cheerful voice of New Hope's pastor, Brent Davis.

"Ever since we've put the add in the paper we've gotten literally hundreds of calls from people like Mrs. Bailer" said Davis.  "What's unique about our church is that we are speaker-sensitive, we use absolutely no amplification in our church.  We have a praise band, but everything is 'unplugged' and acoustically driven.  When I preach I just have to speak up.  There are no microphones in our church.  We don't want to be a stumbling block in any way for anyone who would come into the doors of our church sensitive to noise."

New Hope's methodology seems to be successful.  In just three months since the church's founding, its membership has grown to almost 300.  

"I just enjoy it so much" said Bailer.  "I do miss my old congregation, but it's just so much easier to think and worship now without a drum banging so loudly in my ear."

Man Forms Orginaization for Tonally and Rhythmically Challenged Charismatics

Aregood, Il - They don't have rhythm. They don't have music. Could they ask for anything more? "Absolutely" says Mark Heistberger, speaking on behalf of the National Association of Rhythmically and Tonally Challenged Charismatics (NARTCC), a newly formed organization to help charismatics who struggle to sing on pitch or keep a steady beat during a song. Heistberger grew up in the Assemblies of God denomination, one of the nation's largest charismatic groups. But Heistberger always knew that he was a little "different" from the rest of his family and his church.

"I just never seemed to fit in" stated Heistberger. "I even remember when I was three years old being in the children's Christmas musical. The director told me 'Marky, just mouth the words, don't sing, you're throwing everyone off.' All throughout my time growing up at the church I could just never get it right. My pitch was always off, my claps were always off, my swaying was always off. I suffered through a lot of strange looks and dirty glares from people."

Over the years Heistberger discovered that he was not alone in his plight. As he discovered a number of good people in his own denomination struggled also with rhythm and tonality.

"I started looking for help, and soon found others like myself who were just deficient at singing and keeping time" he said. "In charismatic denominations like ours worship is very demonstrative, often with a lot of singing, swaying, dancing and hand clapping. Well, those of us who are challenged in these areas are often discriminated against because we sing off pitch and clap at the wrong times, or because we are swaying right to left while everyone else is swaying left to right. Or because we try to dance and look ridiculous, we're made fun of. Well, it's time for the dirty looks and funny stares to end. What we lack in ability we make up for in heart."

Heistberger formed NARTCC earlier this year with a two-fold purpose; to provide support for tonally and rhythmically challenged charismatics and to raise the awareness of the problem amongst charismatic churches.

"Our focus is primarily on charismatic churches" he stated. "In other denominations, like Presbyterians and Baptists it's no big deal if people can't sing on pitch or dance. But amongst charismatics I've know men and women who have been turned down from the ministry because they couldn't sing."

NARTCC is already planning to hold its first national conference next summer in Chicago. Each day of the conference will begin with a three-hour-long worship service.

"We want the rhythmically and tonally challenged to experience free and uninhibited worship for the first time in their lives perhaps" said Heistberger. "We're expecting in excess of 3000 people. What a glorious sound and site it will be to me when 3000 tone deaf people join together with one voice and swing out of time to the music."

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Formal Dress in Worship Causes Stir

TRENTON, NEW JERSEY
Trenton's The Church of the Living Waters is known as a "come as you are" kind of church, where worshipers can feel comfortable wearing whatever they want. Many members regularly show up on Sunday mornings in shorts, flip-flops and t-shirts. Even the church's pastor, Patrick Cox, often preaches in his bare feet wearing ripped jeans. The church's policy of very casual dress was supposed to make anyone feel at ease about attending worship, and that was the case until this past Sunday.

The stir began five minutes into the worship time when a new young couple entered the church's worship center. The man was wearing a suit and tie and the woman a very formal dress. After walking down the main aisle they sat on the second to front row of the church and proceeded to join in the worship with the rest of the congregation. But not everyone was excited to see them there.

"Part of me wondered what they were doing here" said Mary Joseph, a church member. "I thought they were just trying to make a point or cause trouble or something."

"I just don't think it's appropriate to get all dolled up like that for church" said Nathan Callaghan, another member. "It's like they made this point to get all dressed up just to come to church and show off their clothes to everybody. I was kind of embarrassed for them because everyone was staring at them and giving them weird looks."

While most of the members were upset or concerned to some degree about the "strange" visitors, some felt differently.

"I think it's a much needed change for our church" said John Michael Thompson, the church's worship leader. "If that's what they want to wear to church, then they should be able to without anyone else criticizing them."

After the service a few people greeted the couple, but most people kept their distance, suspicious of their "motives."

"If this is the direction that our church is going, with people dressing up in suits and ties to come and worship, then I don't want any part of it" stated Joseph. "They day people start showing up every Sunday dressed up like that is the day that I leave."

Church Plans "Chicken Eucharist"

MANHATTAN, NEW YORK

The famous Trinity Church, St. Paul's Chapel, is no stranger to "creative celebrations" during their weekly Eucharist services. A number of years ago they began celebrating a "Clown Eucharist" in which all of the participants dress up as clowns in order to be "fools for Christ's sake." More recently they began what is called a "hip-hop mass" where all worship music is in the R&B style and the participants "break it down" during the service.

Now, in an effort to broaden their spectrum of worship styles, the church has planned to begin holding an annual "Chicken Eucharist."

"We're very excited about this new development." Said Rector, Rev. Dr. James Herbert. "Many people who have lived in the city here all of their lives have never seen a live chicken! That's a significant part of creation that's being ignored, and we want to celebrate the goodness of Chickens."

During the mass Herbert plans to have live chickens running free in the church. In addition, all of the participants will wear chicken outfits. Furthermore, there will be no spoken words during the service, rather the participants will "cluck."

"We're a lot like Chickens." Said Herbert. "They desire to run free, but they're behind fences. They so want to break out of their captivity, and they have wings, but they just can't fly. We too have fences that we put up, fences of intolerance and hate, and sometimes we want to fly over them, but our wings aren't strong enough. We need the Master Farmer to come and help us 'fly the coop.'"

In addition to the live chickens and the costumes, the elements of the Eucharist will be altered to grain and water. The service will end with a recessional of all of the participants flapping around the room and clucking as they exit the church.

The church plans to hold the special service later this fall in protest of national chicken restaurant chains who allegedly mistreat chickens.

"We're standing up for these chickens." Said Herbert. "We're going to show the world that we're serious about being identified with this beautiful part of life."

Church Goes "Glam Rock" to Attract "Old Rockers"

MEYERSVILLE, INDIANA

It is a Sunday morning at Holy Kiss Baptist Church. The lights in the sanctuary dim as smoke fills the room. Suddenly in the darkness spotlights begin to move around. Cheers and screams arise from the congregation. Then the mysterious sound of the lone beat of a kick drum begins pounding out a 4/4 rhythm, accenting the first beat every time. The tension and excitement heighten when an electric guitar lets out a growling "thrash" on a single chord that seems to ring forever. And finally, when it seems that the building momentum can go no further in runs Pastor David Remington, face painted, hair-waving. He falls to his knees sliding to the center of the stage and air-guitars to an improvised solo by the church's praise band guitarist.

"Are you ready to solid rock?" Screams Remington to the cheering crowd that responds with a resounding "Amen!" Repeating himself, he screams again, "I said are you ready to solid rock all you saints?" "Amen!" the shouts come again. The praise band begins playing the music to Poison's Don't Need Nothing But a Good Time, but the words are that of Rock of Ages Cleft for Me.

Thus goes a typical Sunday at Holy Kiss Baptist Church, a church that, until about 5 years ago, resembled most average mainstream Baptist churches in America. But when the church determined to focus their outreach to "Old Rockers" they decided to contextualize their worship in order to make people feel more comfortable.

"We now have more than 1000 people attending now." Said Remington. "All of the songs that we sing are new words set to old Rock tunes."

Examples of the church's music include Prepare Me for Heaven set to Led Zeppelin's Stairway to Heaven, and Save Me Up set to the Rolling Stones' Start Me Up.

"One song that always gets the crowd going is when we do Sinful Ways set to Jimi Hendrix's Purple Haze." Said Remington as he broke into an impromptu rendition,

"Sinful ways,
All in my life,
Causing me
So much pain and strife.

It ain't funny,
And I tell you why,
'scuse me while I pray and cry."

"And, of course," Said Remington, "some songs like The Doobie Brothers' Jesus is Just Alright With Me, need no adjustment whatsoever."

"It's been the coolest thing I've ever been to." Said church member Henry Woodriff. "Brother Dave just tears the place apart week after week."

Remington usually ends the time of praise and worship which he calls the "Solid Rock Concert" by either smashing or burning a guitar on stage. This is followed by his sermon which he calls the "backstage pass." During this time, Remington sits on a couch on the stage, kicks up his feet and just talks to his "fans" about something from the Bible.

"Attendance is growing and growing." Said Remington. "If things continue I think we'll start bringing in some opening acts."

"Traditional Worship" May Be Trouble at Church

PHOENIX, ARIZONA

For the past 20 years The Church of the Good Shepherd in Phoenix, Arizona has started their Sunday morning worship service the same way;with 15-20 minutes of continuous praise and worship music led by the church's praise band and worship leader Jason Adams. But this past Sunday something happened that no one expected, and now this thriving church of 800 members is faced with a new and possibly divisive challenge.

"Everything seemed like it was going to be normal," said member Mark Curry. "No one would have expected anything out of the ordinary. But everyone got really confused when Jason asked everyone to take our hymals and open them to the hymn O Worship the King. Then we just sang it, like right off of the page while only the keyboard played a basic piano sound. We just stood there holding hymnals in our hands while singing all three verses! I was very confused."

"I was a little taken back by it," said praise band member Alyssa Henderson. "I mean, I don't think that there is anything wrong with singing out of a hymnal, it's just not what we're used to. I think it would be alright to do it, like, every now and then, but not every Sunday. We're just not ready for that."

The church's pastor, Thomas Langly commented on the situation. "Many of our members have come up to me deeply concerned over this issue. It appears that most people are okay with the idea of singing out of the hymnal every now and then, they just don't want it to happen every Sunday. I personally would like to see more of it, but it's not something I'm going to rock the boat about it. I think it will just take time."

While most of the church members we spoke with were very gracious over the issue, some where very upset.

"The next thing they're gonna want is to bring a blasted pipe organ up in here, and do away with all of our guitars, drums, and keyboards." said member Rick Everett. "They're gonna have us just singing verses out of hymnals with an organ and a piano. I'll be long gone before that day.