New Baptist Hymnal Eliminates "Non-Essential" Verses

NASHVILLE, TENNESSEE

Lifeway Publishing, the official publishing house of the Southern Baptist Convention, announced today the release of a new edition of "The Baptist Hymnal" for 2012.  The hymnal will feature a number of updates and improvements including over 40 new songs, a number of key changes, and extra instrumentation.  In addition, the hymnal will feature most hymns with all but the first and last verses or the first, second and last verses eliminated.

"Most song leaders and music ministers only sing the first and last verses or the first, second and last verses," said Jerry Todd, director of publications for the hymnal.  "To keep people from getting too confused we decided to just save time and go ahead and eliminate them."

Music ministers around the country expressed delight when learning of the new hymnal.

"This will really help," said Larry Moony, a music minister from Macon, Georgia.  "We haven't sung a third verse in over 30 years at our church."

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Michael Moore Contemplating Attending Kim Jong Il Funeral

LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA

Controversial filmmaker Michael Moore commented on Tuesday that he is contemplating attending the funeral of North Korean Dictator Kim Jong Il.  Kim, who passed away on Monday, was notorious for his brutal Stalinist-like dictatorship, imprisoning thousands, brutally repressing his own people, and responsible both directly and indirectly for the deaths of millions.  He also ruled with an iron fist over a country whose propaganda machine churched out a ceaseless barrage of anti-American rhetoric.

"I know Kim Jong Il was criticized by many because of his brutal tactics, but I can't help but admire the man a little" said Moore during and interview.  "I mean, anyone who hated America that much couldn't have been all that bad."

Aside from simply hating America, Moore noted that he admired Kim's desire to destroy America and turn neighboring South Korea into a "sea of ashes."

"I'm always in support of anyone who is willing to stand up against the brutal and oppressive regime that is the United States," quipped Moore.  "I'm in contact with the government of the Democratic People's Republic of Korea, and am hoping for an invite to attend the funeral services.  I'm excited about meeting the Great Successor, Kim Jong Un."

Moore went on to say that his only reservation about visiting North Korea was the possible lack of food there due to widespread famine and starvation.

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Kim Jong Un Probably Not Sabbatarian

PYONGYANG, NORTH KOREA

Since the death of Kim Jong Il, the man North Koreans called the "Dear Leader", the world has held its breath, carefully watching every move of the rouge communist nation, hoping for the best.  Analysts and experts have carefully scrutinized North Korean newscasts, and military units have been placed on alert throughout the Korean Peninsula as a precaution in the event the reclusive and unpredictable nation was to attempt some kind of provocative action during this sensitive period.  Little is known about the heir apparent, Kim Jong Un.  Young, inexperienced and educated in the West, many are hoping that his rise to power will signal a new period of openness for North Korea.

But while the world waits anxiously, keeping a careful eye on a Stalinist nation that possesses nuclear weapons, one group is concerning itself with what it says are "more pressing matters."  A group of theological leaders from around the country recently gathered in Chicago and concluded that Kim Jong Un, the next leader of the communist dynasty, is "probably not a sabbatarian."

"By all accounts, Kim Jong Un is not a Sabbatarian," stated Peter Ford, one of the pastors present at the meeting.  "We see evidence that he works on Sundays, and has even accompanied his late father on tours throughout North Korea to provide 'field guidance' also on Sundays.  To us it seems pretty clear that he is not a man who believes in keeping the Sabbath."

Sabbatarianism, the belief that Christians should observe Sunday as the "Sabbath Day" much like it was observed in the Old Testament, is a position held by many in conservative Reformed churches.  The issue has sometimes caused division among believers as to how it should be precisely addressed and practically applied.  This is the first time, however, that a group has formally made such an accusation against the leader of a foreign nation.

Ford further commented, "It's important to know as much about the man as we can.  He's going to be leading North Korea for what will probably be several decades.  It's obvious that he, as a man who doesn't believe in keeping the Sabbath, could quite possibly launch a missile on a Sunday or, perhaps, make threats to turn Seoul into a 'fiery pit of ashes,' and that affects us all."

Also discussed at the meeting were the young dictator's views on six-day creationism and exclusive psalmody.

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Pet-Integrated Worship Flops

OSBURG, WASHINGTON

Almost a decade ago, The Healing Place Church of Osburg began adopting a more family-integrated model of doing things.  For them, this meant an end to children's church, and a complete change to their Sunday School schedule.  No longer were children and adults separated into classes, but rather, they began meeting together for a family class.  This philosophy of worship has worked well for the church over the past ten years.  The church has grown from about 15 families to almost 50 on a typical Sunday.  Parents have become more involved in the lives of their children, and other adults in the church interact more regularly with whole families.

Seeing how well the family-integrated model worked, the church recently decided to take things a step further.

"Pets are an important part of a family," said the church's pastor, Jim Rickman, "and if we truly desire to see the whole family together in worship, that's going to include the pets too."

After much debate, the church announced that pets would be welcome in worship.  The first Sunday in November would mark the beginning of a new era for Healing Place.  But things didn't go quite as they had hoped.

"We didn't quite think things through well enough," noted Rickman.  "We had expected a few dogs and cats, but we got more than we bargained for."

The presence of dogs and cats in worship was enough to significantly disturb the service.  Besides the barking and meowing, several chases broke out prior to the prelude.  The call to worship was accented by a "yippy little dog" whose high-pitch bark apparently triggered a seizure in one of the ushers.  And during the first hymn a cat managed to jump on top of the communion table and begin eating the bread.

Besides dogs and cats, several other pets of a more exotic nature caused an uproar.  Even though kept in a terrarium, one young man's pet rattlesnake was enough to send a group of people screaming from the service.  The screams were accented by other shrieks induced by various pet tarantulas, iguanas, and even an aardvark.  The service was forced to an abrupt end whenever several dogs began marking various pews as their territory.

"We went too far," quipped Rickman.  "Thankfully, the repairs to the sanctuary are not as expensive as we first thought, but I think we're going to have a hard time convincing anyone to drink from the communion cups again, especially after that cat used them as a litter box."

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Atheists Bemoan Commercialization of Meaninglessness

MUNICH, GERMANY

A world gathering of atheists occurred this past weekend in Munich to discuss how the "meaninglessness of atheism is becoming so commercialized."  Led by the outspoken and controversial Richard Dawkins, the group of "intellectuals" and "rationalists" from over 45 different countries listened to lectures and participated in roundtable forums that dealt with the issue.

"Our goal was to encourage one another, and help each other remember the true meaning of life, mainly, that it is meaningless, pointless and short." said Dawkins

In the opening address to the enthusiastic crowd, Dawkins dealt with the issue of the commercialization of atheism.

"What we are currently seeing worldwide is a mass influx of everyday people to atheism, and as a result it's beginning to lose its true hopelessness.  Some of these people are abandoning their beliefs in deity and joining our cause, but at the same time they're bringing in such ideas as hope, optimism, and purpose in life, and this is something that we as faithful unbelievers need to seriously address.  Every effort must be made to reclaim the true meaninglessness of life, to reclaim the great truth of the pointlessness of our existence."

Over the course of the conference the group formulated a motto that they hope will serve as a battle cry for those atheists who want to remember the true misery of life.  "Nothing is the reason for our existence."

At the close of the conference Dawkins noted, "We believe that having a short, pithy statement such as this can help our atheists brothers and sisters out there keep in mind the great truth that all of life has pointlessly come from nothing and is going to nothing."

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