What we would have missed.

Here's something on the serious side today.

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Scientists Confirm Black Holes Cause Cancer

Seattle, WA - At an international gathering of Astrophysicists today in Seattle, a group of researchers confirmed that "Black holes indeed cause cancer." The group based out of New Zealand's Leymen Institute, had been studying the effects of black holes on living flesh for the past 4 years at a cost of 8.15 billion dollars. Using a number of hi-tech devices to create micro singularities, the researchers were able to test their affects on living organisms.

"Our research proved beyond the shadow of a doubt that black holes can cause a number of cancers in human beings," stated Dr. John Locking of the Leymen Institute. "After several months of exposure to repeated micro singularities our 16 test primates began to develop cancerous and precancerous cells in various tissues throughout their bodies."

The research was received with great eagerness by all in attendance.

"This research will prove to be invaluable for the survival of our species," said Dr. Jack Shep, one of the scientists present at the conference. "As far as I know, no one until now has taken the time to research the effects of long term exposure to black holes. Current predictions are that in about 23 million years into the future, our solar system will be consumed by a black hole. Now we'll know more definitively what the dangers are."

"I'd have to agree with the enthusiasm of my colleagues," stated Dr. Richard Albert. "At some point in the future man will begin to explore deep space. We'll need to be prepared for the dangers of space for our future astronauts. If a ship were to ever be sucked into a black hole there needs to be some kind of treatment plan in effect to help those who are inevitably going to get cancer."

The Leymen Institute was founded in 1942 by Dr. Jacob Linus of Sydney, Australia.

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North Korea Declares War on Calvinism

Pyongyang, North Korea - North Korea announced on Monday that it is preparing it's forces to "utterly and mercilessly destroy Calvinism." The news report stated that,

"If the evil and vile imperialist doctrine of Calvinism encroaches upon the sacred soil of the Democratic People's Republic of Korea even one millimeter, we will, under the banner of Songun, of the Great Leader Kim Il Sung, and the Dear Leader, Kim Jong Il, adhering to the Juche ideology so set forth by the former and realized with realization by the latter, with the strength of the great Korean people of the workers paradise that is the DPRK, crush with unmerciful blows this fools ideology, until not even the charred remains can be found."

The statement comes just weeks after North Korea denounced Infralapsarianism in an effort to "Correct the thinking of those who would be led away by imperialist thinking." FULL STORY

Doctor "Don't Need No Education!"

Hoover, Alabama - He's never been to med school. In fact the man who calls himself "Dr. Eddie Miller" has never even been to college. He graduated from high school in 1987 with a 2.3 GPA and immediately began pursuing his "calling" to the medical profession.

"I felt the call to become a doctor since I was a boy," said Miller. "I was about 7 and caught me a frog and cut him open with my pocket knife. I knew right then and there that I wanted to be a doctor when I growed up."

Miller went on to recount how he spent his days after that watching TV shows about "doctor stuff." He also took every chance he could to catch small live animals and dissect them, so that he could further pursue his "calling." Finally, at the tender age of only 13 he performed his first surgery.

"They found out my uncle Billy had a tumor in his neck. He was going to go to one of them big fancy hospitals where the doctors think they all smart and stuff, but I told him I would do the surgery for free. We knocked him out with a ball-pin hammer and I used my trusty exacto knife. Uncle Billy didn't quite make it that day, but he was too far gone anyway."

Now at the age of 41, Miller operates a small clinic in Hoover where he says he's qualified to perform any medical procedure even though he's never been to med school.

"I don't need no medical board or a bunch of other smarty pants doctors telling me what to do and think. I read my medical journals every day. I've even memorized entire chapters. I can do any surgery or procedure. Brain surgery, spinal surgery, amputations, you name it. I don't need no education. This is a calling."

TBNN tried to reach some of Dr. Miller's patients both current and past for comment, but none could be located. FULL STORY

Independent KJV-Only Fundamentalists Baptists Pass Website Reform

Tempe, AZ - In an unprecedented move, a national gathering of Independent KJV-Only Fundamentalist Baptists met in Tempe, Arizona to discuss the issue of website reform. While for the past 15 years churches and leaders within the IKJVOFB movement have resisted change, the fast growth of the web and new browsers now available have led the group to decided that something had to be done. Among those decisions passed were,

• Churches would upgrade their computer systems to at least Windows 98.
• Animated GIFs should be limited to no more than 50% of a page's image content.
• Underlined, bold and italicized text at the same time on a website should be discontinued. Churches or independent "evangelists" may continue to use any combination of the two, but not all three at the same time.
• All-caps may be used but only in reference to the KVJ-only position, "liberals," Calvinism, or when referencing James White. When referencing "common" points of doctrine (i.e. the Trinity, virgin birth, resurrection, etc.") all-caps may no longer be used.
• Sites must contain no more than two frames.
• Font sizes should be no larger than 78, with the exception of referring to the KJV-only position, "liberals," Calvinism, or when referencing James White.
• Spelling on websites must be at least 85% correct.
• Sites should take no longer than 4 minutes to load.
• Pictures should be kept to under 4 MB in size.
• Background music on sites should be completely eliminated.
• Sites should be updated at least every 3 years.
• Color schemes should be used that allow the text of the site to be at least barely readable.
• Plans should be made to discontinue writing sites in basic HTML on a plain-text editors by the year 2019.

"We feel these measures will bring our churches up to at least a 1999 level," said pastor Steven Sanderson of Faithful Word of the Bible Church in Tempe. "We want to see more of our IKJVOFB people better utilize 20th-century methods of communication.

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