Church Promotes Chainsaw Juggling Ministry

NASHVILLE, TN

Eastside Christian Assembly, is a church that truly believes that all members are called to serve. The large suburban church of almost 5,000 encourages every member to use his or her gifts for the edification of the body and building up of the kingdom...no matter how unique or bizzare.

"We have over 3,900 official ministries of the church," said pastor Kent Donnen. "If someone comes along with a particular gifting and we don't have a place for him or her, we make a place. We don't want to turn away or minimize anyone's area of service."

Like most churches, in the early years of ECA there were only a handful of ministries, such as Teaching, Administration, Worship and Music. But as the church grew, and more and more members wanted to serve, the church began adding other official "ministries." Some of them include;

-Biking ministry

-Hand puppet ministry

-Toe puppet ministry

-Fish tank cleaning ministry

-Football ministry

-Football watching ministry

The most recent addition came when new member, Steve Cowell presented his unique and dangerous talent to the church's leadership.

"I juggle chainsaws," said Cowell. "I perform shows all over the country, and for private parties, but I really feel called to serve in the church."

When Cowell approached the pastor and elders about where he could serve, they quickly surmised that they needed to form a new ministry department.

"We are excited about what Steve is going to bring to our church," stated Donnen. "His chainsaw weilding will no doubt build up the Kingdom. We also intend to involve him in our Sunday morning worship sometime, perhaps having him perform during the offertory, or accompany my preaching as an object lesson. I think it would go well with a judgement passage or something pretty forceful."

When asked how long Cowell had been performing, he stated "Ten years now," while holding up his seven remaining fingers."

Wanted: Youth Pastor

Wednesday, February 13, 2008
To: Claiborne County Herald
From: Calvary Baptist Church, Parker, Georgia
Re: Youth Pastor

The Calvary Baptist Church of Parker Georgia is currently seeking a part-time youth pastor.  We are a close congregation of about 400 active members and a youth group of about 25 students.

Duties will include (but are not limited to) organizing and conducting any and all youth functions, activities and Bible lessons, Sunday Schools and youth choirs.  The youth group currently meets on Sunday nights after our evening service from 7-10PM and on Wednesday nights from 6-9PM. An extra weekly activity is also expected on the weekends.  Planning for these events is absolutely essential, but do not expect any child to tell you they are planning to come until the last minute.  Be prepared also to attend any and all pep-rallies at the local school, all dance team and cheerleading functions, and it would be nice if you showed up at football, baseball, soccer and tennis practices a couple of times a week to cheer the boys on.  It is also expected that you meet with each of the students privately at least once a week for lunch or something.

All activities much be chaperoned.  We prefer the parents to not be chaperones, because otherwise none of the kids will want to come.  You'll need to find creative ways to get non-parents to want to come on the trips and convince the parents that do want to come not to.

Planned activities are expected for any and all school holidays.  A spring break trip is a must as well as a summer conference somewhere at the beach.  You will be expected to emphasize and impress the idea of modesty upon our female students.  Be careful not to tick off the parents when doing this, as some of them might not take well to you criticizing the bikinis they bought. Careful judgment will be needed.

You will also be expected to attend all deacons meetings as well as be on the education committee.  You will want to have a good presence in the church, so it will be important that you also get involved personally in several Bible studies for yourself, and be at any and all church functions.

Oh, and also, the youth choir meets on Sunday afternoons before evening worship.  Our turnout for this group hasn't been good in the past as few of the students are interested.  But we need someone to spark their interests and make them sing well.

Finally, we'll need you to fill in for the pastor when he's out sick or gone for whatever reason. This will mean preaching both Sunday services, and doing some hospital visitation.

The position is roughly a 10-15 hour per week job.  We are generously offering a salary of $18,000.  You will need to find your own medical insurance.  Married applicants will be preferred as the youth minister's wife will be expected to function as a mentor to all of the girls in the group and personally chaperone all trips.  

Church Stages Mock Rapture to "Scare the Devil" out of Kids

KISSIMMEE, FLORIDA

The First Assembly of God in Kissimmee, Florida had a problem. Many of the church's youth had been having behavioral problems at home and at school. Children were rebelling against their parents, and many were getting suspended for fights and the use of foul language. The parents were becoming discouraged and turned to the church's pastor, Adrian Jackson, for help.

"In all my years of ministry I've never seen such a bad youth group." Said Jackson. "A church always has its problem kids that come and go, but over the past two years we've just seen a consistent string of problems from our kids in this church. Out of some 30 kids in our church's youth program about 25 of them just stay in trouble either at home or at school."

To resolve the problem Jackson came up with an idea that he felt certain would work.

"These kids needed a 'reality check.'" He said. "They needed to have the Devil literally scared out of them."

The solution; hold a 'mock rapture' and make the kids think they've all been 'left behind.'

"The plan was great." Said Karen Henderson, who had a daughter in the youth group. "While the youth were in Sunday School almost every member of the congregation arranged a set of empty clothes in the church's worship center to make it look like we'd been raptured. A couple of us agreed to play the part of those 'left behind.' I got to do that, which was great."

"My part was to excuse myself from Sunday School a few minutes early and meet the rest of the congregation down at Starbucks around the corner." Said youth Sunday School teacher, Brian Parks. "I made up some excuse about having to 'take care of a few things' before worship."

After Brian left the classroom the kids waited in the room for about 10 minutes until they heard screaming in the distance. Running into the church's worship center they found aisle after aisle of empty clothes with Henderson and a few others running hysterically around the room screaming "They're gone! They're gone! We're left behind!"

"I just burst into tears." Said 13-year-old Susan Raymond. "We all did. It was, like, the scariest thing I have ever been in. We thought all of us had been left behind."

Thinking that they had all been 'left behind,' all of the kids got down on their knees and began praying. About fifteen minutes later the congregation returned from Starbucks to see the sobbing, terrified faces of their youth group.

"I flung open the back doors of the worship center and yelled out 'Surprise!'" Said Jackson. "We all started coming back in, and, I tell you, those kids looked shocked."

The results of the mock rapture have been varied. While about three of the church's youth have become more devout, several have had to begin going to therapy citing intense nightmares and panic attacks. A number of the kids have even gotten worse in their behavior.

"Overall, I had hoped for better results." Said Jackson. "Perhaps next time we'll try something a little stronger, like a mock Day of Judgment, or something where one of us will dress up like Jesus and cast people into the Lake of Fire."

Church Youth Group Prepares to 'Sacrifice' for Mission Trip

COLUMBIA PARK, MICHIGAN

The youth of 15th Avenue Church of God have felt a deep conviction for some time now. Last year during the church's annual missions conference almost all of the church students went forward at the end of the week to commit to serving in missions during the next year. Now they are hoping to live up to that promise.

"We want to do what's right and fulfill that promise that we made." Said 15 year-old Megan Porter. "We promised to devote time this year to spreading the gospel to the ends of the earth, and now we're going to do just that."

Over the Christmas holidays the students who had made the pledge got together with the church's youth pastor, Mark O'Neil to decide on possible places to go.

"I wanted this to be their call." Said O'Neil. "Things like this really work best if they come from the hearts of those who serve. So I told them that I would back them 100%, no matter what they chose, and that the church would pay for their trip completely."

O'Neil suggested a number of places to the students such as working in an orphanage in Mexico, serving in a soup kitchen in New York, or even venturing out to work with native peoples in the Canadian wilderness. But the students already had a place that they were passionate about. And so with little debate the students reached a unanimous decision. This year all 18 of the students will give up their regular Spring Break plans to spread the gospel at Walt Disney World in Orlando, Florida.

"We're so excited about serving down there!" Said an enthusiastic Stewart Conner. "We really think that we can make a difference in the lives of the people we're going to serve."

"We've been really training a lot for this trip." Said Porter. "We've been doing some role-playing down at the mall like standing in line and talking about the new Newsboys album out loud so that people will know we listen to Christian music."

The students say that they also plan to 'witness' to people as they ride the various rides at Walt Disney World's four main parks by praying silently to themselves before meals, wearing Jars of Clay t-shirts and by saying 'Thank the Lord that's over with' after scary rides.

"We know that this time down there is going to be blessed." Said Conner. "We don't want people to pity us or think we're somehow super-spiritual because we're making sacrifices. I mean, sure it will be hard giving up our Spring Break and all that, but this is what we've committed to do, and we're going to stick to our word."

The church will be putting up the cost of $1200.00 for each student to fly all of the students down to Orlando, put them up in one of the Disney resorts and purchase them 6 day passes to all of the parks.

"I was hoping for something a little bit more cross-cultural for these kids, but if these kids learn to share the gospel through this experience it will be worth it." Said O'Neil. "We've already had many of our other kids show a tremendous interest in becoming involved with missions for next year, so that's already a positive result."

Youth Minister Sues for Custody of Kids

NORTH POINT, NEW YORK

Wilson Hairston's skillful work with the youth of St. Paul's Congregationalist Church is known throughout the community of North Point, New York. For 7 years Hairston has labored as the church's youth pastor, sacrificially giving of his time and energies above and beyond his specified duties to mentor the kids of his youth group. But a recent controversy struck the congregation when Hairston filed a lawsuit against the parents of 15 children in the church suing for full custody of the kids.

"It's not really that complicated." Said Hariston. "I'm the one they come to when they need someone to listen to their problems. I'm the one who goes to all of their sporting and school events. I'm the one who's explained the birds and the bees to all of these kids. I take them out to eat, hang out with them, spend time with them, help them with their homework and get them out of binds. By all accounts I'm already acting as a parent to them. I just want the legal rights that come with that."

Hairston's lawsuit also comes with the full support of the children of the youth group.

"He's, like, so awesome!" Said Mary Katherine Lewis, 15. "He's like the parent every kid could ever want. He, like, really listens to what we have to say, and talks to us about difficult stuff that my parents won't. He's there for us."

Other members of the church's youth group have express similar sentiments. But parents of the kids vow to fight the lawsuit and are confident that Hairston's attempt will fail.

James Carville, father of one of the group's teenage boys was emphatic.

"Look, we hired Wilson to fill in the gaps not to take over our kids lives! I mean, we're busy people. My wife and I both work, and I've got to have some me time every now and then. His job was to be there for them, be someone they could relate to, talk to them about difficult subjects, listen to their problems, help them, teach them the Bible and guide them through difficult times, but NOT be their parent!"

While most parents are angry about the lawsuit they are confident that it will not stand up in court. Still, because of the situation, they want to see Hairston removed from the position.

"He needs to go." Said Carville. "This has angered us all. What's worse is that we're going to have to spend months trying to find another youth minister, and until that time our kids are going to be left out in the cold, with no guidance and direction. That just leaves us parents in a bind. I mean, who's going to teach our children until we find another youth minister?"