Doctor "Don't Need No Education!"

Hoover, Alabama - He's never been to med school. In fact the man who calls himself "Dr. Eddie Miller" has never even been to college. He graduated from high school in 1987 with a 2.3 GPA and immediately began pursuing his "calling" to the medical profession.

"I felt the call to become a doctor since I was a boy," said Miller. "I was about 7 and caught me a frog and cut him open with my pocket knife. I knew right then and there that I wanted to be a doctor when I growed up."

Miller went on to recount how he spent his days after that watching TV shows about "doctor stuff." He also took every chance he could to catch small live animals and dissect them, so that he could further pursue his "calling." Finally, at the tender age of only 13 he performed his first surgery.

"They found out my uncle Billy had a tumor in his neck. He was going to go to one of them big fancy hospitals where the doctors think they all smart and stuff, but I told him I would do the surgery for free. We knocked him out with a ball-pin hammer and I used my trusty exacto knife. Uncle Billy didn't quite make it that day, but he was too far gone anyway."

Now at the age of 41, Miller operates a small clinic in Hoover where he says he's qualified to perform any medical procedure even though he's never been to med school.

"I don't need no medical board or a bunch of other smarty pants doctors telling me what to do and think. I read my medical journals every day. I've even memorized entire chapters. I can do any surgery or procedure. Brain surgery, spinal surgery, amputations, you name it. I don't need no education. This is a calling."

TBNN tried to reach some of Dr. Miller's patients both current and past for comment, but none could be located.

Independent KJV-Only Fundamentalists Baptists Pass Website Reform

Tempe, AZ - In an unprecedented move, a national gathering of Independent KJV-Only Fundamentalist Baptists met in Tempe, Arizona to discuss the issue of website reform. While for the past 15 years churches and leaders within the IKJVOFB movement have resisted change, the fast growth of the web and new browsers now available have led the group to decided that something had to be done. Among those decisions passed were,

• Churches would upgrade their computer systems to at least Windows 98.
• Animated GIFs should be limited to no more than 50% of a page's image content.
• Underlined, bold and italicized text at the same time on a website should be discontinued. Churches or independent "evangelists" may continue to use any combination of the two, but not all three at the same time.
• All-caps may be used but only in reference to the KVJ-only position, "liberals," Calvinism, or when referencing James White. When referencing "common" points of doctrine (i.e. the Trinity, virgin birth, resurrection, etc.") all-caps may no longer be used.
• Sites must contain no more than two frames.
• Font sizes should be no larger than 78, with the exception of referring to the KJV-only position, "liberals," Calvinism, or when referencing James White.
• Spelling on websites must be at least 85% correct.
• Sites should take no longer than 4 minutes to load.
• Pictures should be kept to under 4 MB in size.
• Background music on sites should be completely eliminated.
• Sites should be updated at least every 3 years.
• Color schemes should be used that allow the text of the site to be at least barely readable.
• Plans should be made to discontinue writing sites in basic HTML on a plain-text editors by the year 2019.

"We feel these measures will bring our churches up to at least a 1999 level," said pastor Steven Sanderson of Faithful Word of the Bible Church in Tempe. "We want to see more of our IKJVOFB people better utilize 20th-century methods of communication.

T Rex Christianity

Slopology

slop-ol-o-gy (slŏp-ŏl'ə-jē)
noun, plural -gies
1. The study of slop

I came across this jewel whilst perusing the internet the other day. Brother Grice here appears to be a rising star in the magical land of IBFdom. Listen closely here as he mounts up for battle and viciously attacks a straw man called "Calvinism."

Warning: You might not want to have your speakers up too loudly as Bro. Grice is found of sudden changes in volume.

Squirmeneutics

squir-me-neu-tics (skwûrm'mə-nōō'tĭks)
n. (used with a sing. or pl. verb)
1. the science of misinterpretation, esp. of the Scriptures, to such a degree that it causes listeners with any common sense to squirm.
2. misinterpretation of the Scriptures so absurd that it causes one to question whether or not it could possibly be for real.

Well, it's once again time for our old friend "pastor" Steven Anderson. In case you forgot, some time ago Steven bought us a comprehensive theology of masculine bathroom etiquette. Now Steven blesses us with this tidbit of theological wizardry on why Jesus wore pants and not a robe.

Now, before you watch this, be forewarned. You're IQ is about to drop. While there is a lot out there in the world of theology that irks me, I'm coming to the conclusion that there is really something clinical going on here. This is beyond your annoying fundamentalist rant. This is mental disability. Think I'm being to harsh? Just watch.

Fundamentalists Await New "THiPhone"

Pensacola, Fl - Pensacola Christian College announced on Thursday that they will soon release the much anticipated "THiPhone." With the recent popularity of Apple's iPhone, many fundamentalists have been looking for a way to enjoy the convenience of the technology but without compromising their principles by using the "vulgar, base, worldly, accursed things."

"I'll admit, the technology is amazing, but I just couldn't bring myself to buy one," said Pastor Kenneth Hamperton of Bible Believers Sword of the Lord Baptist Church. "So many people own these phones and are listening to Kid Rock and Snoop Doggy Doo (sic) on them. Now while I wouldn't listen to such trash I know that someone might see me listening to my iPhone and say 'Hey look, brother Hamperton is listening to Kid Rock I bet. I guess I can too!' I don't want to be a stumbling block. We're called to be separate you know."

But the THiPhone, developed by a joint venture between the Science and Communications departments at P.C.C., promises to provide all of the functions of the iPhone but without the "evil" things normally associated with it. The THiPhone has many of the same features as the iPhone but with the following changes.

• Like the popular "ePhod" the THiPhone will not play any songs with "bad" music, such as music with offbeats, hand clapping or distorted guitars.
• The THiPhone comes pre-installed with a mobile version of Net Finney to prevent any Calvinist or Reformed websites from being visited.
• The THiPhone will play videos but only recorded services from the P.C.C. campus church.
• The THiPhone's camera can only take pictures of modest clothing or the P.C.C. campus.

There are also features that allow P.C.C. students to report other students who might be engaged in "rebellion" such as using the telephone in someone else's room or walking on the grass or speaking favorably of the Puritans. 

The THiPhone's release is planned for this fall with a starting price of $399.

Mysterious "Van of Glory" Sparks Small Town Revival

Percy, Tn - Patrick Treadwell remembers what happened like it was yesterday. That's perhaps because it was yesterday. According to Treadwell, who lives in the tiny town of Percy, Tennessee, all he wanted to do was drive to the store for a six pack of Budwiser, but along the way something happened that has changed his life.

"I was sitting there at the stoplight waiting for it to change when I glanced over and saw this vision of glory," said Treadwell during an interview. "There, before my eyes, was this thing of beauty covered all over with scripture verses, bumper stickers and stick-on lettering telling me to 'repent' and 'turn' from my wicked ways. Well, right then I was convinced by the majesty and wonder of God displayed on this glorious van. I turned around and went home. I never got my beer. Since 4:30PM yesterday, my life has been different."

And Treadwell is not the only one who can testify these days. As it turns out the "Van of Glory," as it has come to be known around the town of Percy, is stirring somewhat of a revival in the town. No one is quite certain who the owner of the van is, but its presence is changing the town of Percy one soul at a time.

"This is what did it for me," said Jill Coleman, a long-time resident of Percy. "I've been going to church all my life down there at the First Baptist Church. Brother Albert, our pastor has been trying to tell me for years how to get saved, but I just never really understood. Then the other day when I saw the Van of Glory parked outside the Sunflower grocery store, it was as if a lightening bolt from heaven just shot down on me. I felt this tingling feeling all over and like warm sun rays was basking my head. When I saw them words just covering that van I finally understood that old song when it says 'how beautiful heaven must be.' That van is preaching to this town."

Despite the waves of repentance that are hitting the small southern town and the fact that the van has been seen all over, its owner remains a mystery. Several churches have sought desperately to use the van for revival services but to no avail.

"We're trying to find out who this person is," said pastor Bobby Twine of Blessed Living Waters Pentecostal Holiness Redeeming Fire Church of the End Times. "This van is doing more preaching than any preacher in this town has ever done. We want to hold services and have this van out in the parking lot. It truly displays the glory of God when you see it!"

Pensacola Christian College Releases New Anti-Calvinism Posters

Pensacola, Fl - In an effort to dissuade students from falling victim to "the evils of Calvinism," Pensacola Christian College has begun a new "Hearty Persuasion" campaign against the doctrines. The posters which have been placed all over campus show inspiring artistic drawings of people standing firm for free will against the "heresies of Calvin."

"Trick" Sinner's Prayer "Saving" People by the Millions

It's been called "the greatest soul-winning development since the invention of the bus." Churches all around America have recently seen sharp increases in their "conversion" numbers because of it. Some have surmised that it might be the very thing that saves every man, woman and child on the face of the earth. What is it? It's the new "Trick Sinner's Prayer."

The prayer was first conceived about this time a year ago when a number of fundamentalist leaders got together to discuss the problem of soul-winning in America taking too long. Pastors from all over the country including Indiana, Texas and Florida met together in Missouri to come up with a solution of the problem.

"This whole soul-winning business it taking way to long" said Bro. Jimmy Burnside of Crossroads Baptist Church, Hurley, Indiana. "Some of our sister churches had soul-winning numbers as low as 3,500 last year. That's just downright pathetic. We're just not getting enough people saved and fast enough."

All of the pastors echoed Burnside's sentiments with similar comments.

"We're maxed out" said Bro. Jimmy Green of Shortview Baptist Church, Shortview, Texas. "We're running the buses every chance we get. We've got every preacher boy working shifts sometimes as long as 24 hours. Yet last year we only had 8,746 professions and baptisms."

Different possibilities were discussed as to how professions could be increased until finally one pastor pointed out a harsh but obvious truth.

"Some people just don't want to be saved" said Bro. Jimmy Everett, pastor of Sweet Beulah Land Baptist Church in Penallas Park, Florida. "It's these people who won't even talk to us that are standing in the way of our numbers. If we are to succeed in our mission we must find a way to get these people."

Everett went on to present his solution, the "Trick Sinner's Prayer."

The prayer is designed so that if anyone reads it unsuspectingly he or she will assume it is a senseless stream of short sentences, but in actually he or she will be saying a "sinner's prayer." The "prayer" is as follows,

"I know Imma. Send her. I can fuss. I need four. Give Ness. Irene Pent and Bea leave. Common tomb. I hurt."

"Brilliance, sheer brilliance" said Bro. Jimmy Liddle, another pastor who attended the conference. "All we got to do is figure out a way to get people to say this and, bang, we got them!"

Several of the churches have already begun using the prayer. Green's church, Shortview Baptist, rented out a local indoor pool just last week during the Christmas holidays and offered "free swimming" to the community for anyone who wanted to come. The only "catch" was that upon entry they had to "say this silly little paragraph" to "join the club."

"We had over 2500 people show up during the week" said Green. "It was the most soul-winningest week we have ever had. When they'd come in we'd get them saved with the prayer and then immediately get them baptized in the pool."

Several of the other churches used the same idea, and other churches have different ideas for the "prayer."

"We're going to try to get some hip boy band to make it into a song or something, that way all these young folks will be singing it and not even knowing that they're getting saved in the process" said Liddle. "There are other avenues like advertising and Starbucks Cups."

Advertisement: The Nokia 1611, The Only Phone You'll Ever Need

With all of the different mobile phone choices out there, things can become confusing. There's phones out there that play music, send email, recognize handwriting, and even have GPS functions. But all of those different phones out there are nothing but plots to confuse and deceive people into getting a phone that's not really a phone at all.

So why spend all that money on some new fancy phone, when the perfect phone was already built. Ten years ago Nokia invented the 1611 model, and it has proved to be the most faithful and most reliable mobile phone ever built. While other phones had preceded it, the Nokia 1611 was the seventh stylistic attempt at a mobile phone of it's kind, like silver refined in a furnace. It has also been the most used and most successful phone ever in the entire world, giving more credence to the fact that this phone has been specially designed and blessed.

"I have no need for any other phone" said Paul Hudson a Nokia 1611 owner. "When you've found what is perfect, why would you go back to something less perfect?"

So this Christmas check eBay, visit local garage sales, dig through garbage cans, but do all you can to find yourself a Nokia 1611. Your very phone service depends on it.

"I trust my husband's opinion very much" said Wanda Hudson, wife of Paul. "All I can say is that if the Nokia 1611 is good enough for Paul, it's good enough for me."

Pensacola Christian College Trains "Missionaries to Mega-Churches"

Note: Some of the names of people in this article have been changed to protect their identities.

Memphis, Tn - It is a typical Sunday morning for a man we will call John. He wakes up early, spends some time reading his Bible over a cup of coffee, prays, and then gets ready to go to church. Only for John, "going to church" doesn't mean the same thing as it does for everyone else who will be going there on this Sunday morning. About a year ago John joined a rather well known and a rather large Southern Baptist church in the Memphis area, but for John the decision to join had little if nothing to do with his desire to fellowship with other Christians and grow spiritually. For John joining the church had everything to do with evangelism and missions, evangelism and missions not outside of the church to the community, but inside of the church to its members.

"Years ago I felt the call" stated John. "As I entered P.C.C. years ago I met new friends, many of whom felt the call to missions. Some of my friends went on to Africa, others to South America. I began to feel a burden for all of those lost souls out there that attend these liberal, apostate Baptist churches out there, you know the ones that use guitars in worship and don't believe in the King James Bible. There's no way that most these people can be saved. They need to hear the gospel."

John is part of a larger plan of action conceived by P.C.C. over a decade ago. The plan involves training men and women to be secret missionaries to "mega churches" throughout the United States. Students are trained to learn how to become involved in the churches, how not to appear offended with the New International Version is read, how to endure contemporary music, and other liberal tendencies.

"If the student follows his or her training well, no one will even know why he or she is there at the church" stated Dr. Michael Keaton, head of the Biblical Studies department at P.C.C. "Their goal is to get involved and to, as quickly as possible, gain a teaching position so that they can spread the true gospel throughout the so-called church."

"So far it's been a tough go" stated John. "It's very difficult attending Sunday after Sunday and having to put up with all of that mess that's passing off as the 'gospel.' I'll never forget the first time that they started playing those drums during the worship service. My heart just sank. I started praying for all of those some 10,000 lost souls around me. Then the preacher opened up his Bible and started reading from the NIV. It was all I could do to keep my composure. Then one day in Sunday School the teacher used an example from some movie called Lord of the Rings. I just closed my eyes and prayed for his lost soul."

John eventually hopes to work his way into being able to teach a Sunday School class in the future.

"I've made a lot of acquaintances" he stated. "There are some nice enough people, but they're just lost as a goose. But I've volunteered with a lot of church activities like soup kitchens, fixing up people's houses and stuff like that. I've also volunteered to teach some children's Sunday School, and have been put on an alternates list."

As it turns out John is not the only "missionary" that is working in the church.

"There are 60 of us here at this one particular church" he stated. "We all know each other behind the scenes, but we play it down in church. Each of us has the same goal, to truly bring this gospel to this church and see it become a shining example of Independent Fundamentalism for the future."

Secret Soul-Winning Gambling Practices Uncovered

LAS VEGAS, NEVADA

Larry O'Neal was shocked when he found out the news. For eleven years he has pastored Yellow Creek Baptist Church in Amarillo, Texas and has never seen or heard anything like it before. The members of the independent Baptist church which focuses its energies primarily on "soul-winning," were also shocked when they found out. People had been placing bets on how many people would get "make decisions" at the church each week.

The church of just over 500 members boasts some "500,000 souls won" in the last ten years. Each weekend the church works hard at their "bus ministry," sending out large buses to the surrounding neighborhoods and towns, picking up kids, gathering kids on the buses, preaching to them and asking them to "make a decision." The results of the weekend's work are then posted on the church's website.

"Last week alone we had 2,702 make a decision" said O'Neal. "It was one of our best weeks yet."

But as it turned out those numbers were significant in more than just a "spiritual" way. A number of bars in Las Vegas, Nevada had begun allowing their patrons to place bets as to how many souls would be "won" each week by various churches around the country. Tominthebox spoke with Joe DiCarlo, the owner of Oasis Tavern in Las Vegas about his bar's participation.

"It was simple really. People would place their bets during the week and then we'd post the numbers on Monday when the various churches would put them up on their websites. Based upon how a church did the previous week we'd have different odds for different churches."

In addition to Yellow Creek Baptist, about ten other churches found themselves "victims" of the gambling ring.

"We're debating as to what we're going to do now" said Gray Yelverton, pastor of Bible Baptist Church in Pensacola, Florida. "We're against gambling here, and we're against any activity that is tied to gambling. We can't stop the soul winning, but we might have to stop posting the numbers on our website each week. But that's hard too because it's all about those numbers. Those numbers are really the most important thing, to show people how many souls we're winning out there."

But O'Neal's church has made their own decision about what to do.

"We're not going to change anything" he said. "We've got to get those numbers posted up there for all the world to see. We're steadily on our way to a million, and no one is going to stop us. If people want to bet on it then there's nothing we can do to stop them."

Seminary Professor Caught Inventing Fake Greek Words

LAWRENCE, MISSOURI

The aim of Lawrence Temple Bible College is to "teach young men to be preachers." For the past fifteen years the Independent Fundamentalist Baptist school has sought to train the men who attend to be "well rounded preachers" by focusing on two main aspects in their teaching; a firm understanding of the King James Bible and soul winning. But in the world of accredited institutions LTBC struggled to gain respect in the field of higher eduction over the years. As a result they began a campaign to expand their curriculum and hire new more "qualified" faculty.

The college's first addition came with the hiring of Dr. Robert Green. Green, a noted fundamentalist, KJV-only pastor, came to the college with an impressive list of credentials including a high school diploma from Northshore High School in Riverwood, Indiana and four honorary doctorate degrees with three being from Hyles-Anderson College in Hammond, Indiana and one from Texas Bible College in Longview, Texas. Dr. Green's primary responsiblities would be to teach courses in preaching and Bible translations with a specific emphasis upon the merits of the King James Bible and the Textus Receptus. With Green's resume stating that he had "extensive training in and knowledge of Biblical Greek" excitement was high among the members of the LTBC faculty, with hopes that the school had finally found someone who could show the errors of the other "Satanic translations" of the Bible on a scholarly level.

For Green's first semester at the college all went well. Students seemed to enjoy his class on Bible translations, and more than ever students were convinced of the merits of the Authorized Version and the superiority of the Textus Receptus. But as the second semester rolled around and a new batch of students entered Green's class a problem began to emerge. One student's "real" knowledge of Greek would soon prove that Dr. Green not only did not know Greek at all, but he consistently invented "Greek-sounding" words that he presented to the class as authentic Koine Greek.

The problem was discovered by Jack Cartwright, a first-year student at LTBC. Cartwright had studied Greek for three years during high school, expecting to go into the medical field. Instead he enrolled at LTBC believing he was called into the ministry.

"I was sitting there in Dr. Green's class on the first day thinking everything was alright" said Cartwright. "Dr. Green seemed like a pretty nice guy and all that. He started talking about how the King James Version was translated from the Textus Receptus, what he called a 'superior Greek text' and how all of these other translations were taken from corrupt texts which made them inferior. Well, that all sounded fine to me. But then he started giving examples of what he called 'corruptions' in the Greek. He started talking about 'Greek' words that weren't really Greek words at all."

Cartwright sat dumbfounded for the next two hours while Green lectured on why "charity" is a better translation than "love" in 1 Corinthians 13.

"Dr. Green told us that the word for 'love' in the Greek is 'kaiposoluptis'" said Cartwright. "Well, at first I thought he was just joking, then I realized that this guy was serious! Not only is "kaiposoluptis" not a Greek word, but as far as I know it's not a word in any language."

As Green's lecture continued he presented more and more "Greek" examples to the class that Cartwright caught.

"I started writing them down" he said. "They were downright funny. He said that the verb for 'to run' was 'hapalomelama.' I almost lost it when he told the class that the Greek word for 'Lord' was 'elohim.'"

After class Cartwright talked to some of his classmates about the situation only to find himself rebuked for his questioning of authority.

"I talked to some of the other guys in the class and they were all like 'Man, who do you think you are?'" he said. "They all told me that I have no right questioning 'God's man."

The problems for Cartwright did not stop there though. He soon took his complaint to LTBC's Academic Dean only to be told to "cease his spirit of rebellion." Cartwright soon dropped all his classes and withdrew from LTBC.

"I'm done with that school" he said. "They're absolutely ignorant and almost proud of it. I don't know what I'm going to do exactly, but I know I won't go back there."

Dr. Bob Jones III Insists That Hurricanes Be Given Biblical Names

GREENVILLE, SOUTH CAROLINA

With this year's hurricane season approaching forecasters are bracing for what could be a very active season. And with a new hurricane season comes a new batch of names that are picked for the storms by the World Meteorological Organization (WMO). When hurricanes first began to receive names on an international scale, they were always given women's names until 1978 when men's names began to be used also. Traditionally the names of the hurricanes over the years have reflected the names found in the cultures of the participating members of the WMO, rendering names such as Camille, Georges, Dennis, etc. But if Dr. Bob Jones III, chancellor of Bob Jones University, had his way, that list of names would be expanded.

"If you take a look at the names of hurricanes over the past 50 years, there's something strikingly obvious," said Jones. "Sure, we see names like Camille, Katrina and Rita, all fine names, but I have yet to see a hurricane given a truly deep Biblical name, and I think it's time for that to change. America is a Christian nation, founded on Christian principles, and I think it only fair that the names we give major destructive forces reflect that."

Jones has recently voiced his opinion openly on a number of radio and television programs, but Thursday made a formal written appeal to the WMO encouraging its members to "not to forget the Christians" when they think of names for the violent storms. As Jones' letter states;

It is important for you members to not forget the Christians who founded this nation. I feel that what we stand for as believers has been grossly overlooked by your organization when naming hurricanes, and I encourage you wholeheartedly to consider us. Nothing would please me more than for people's hearts and minds to think of Christianity when a major storm strikes our country.

Jones went on to further suggest some possible names.

Names such as Abel, Seth or Cain would all be very appropriate. And below you will find some more names that I would suggest:

Abijam (which means father of the sea by the way)
Dorcas
Ebiasaph
Ephes-dammim
Haahashtari
Hadadrimmon
John

Jones hopes that his letter will be considered and that by next year storms will be referred to in 'more Biblical terms.'

"It would please me greatly to turn on my TV next hurricane season and see a big category 5 storm named 'Hoglah' headed straight for our coasts," said Jones. "I can only hope that the WMO has the good sense to adopt my requests."

Bob Jones University Starts "ThySpace" for Students

GREENVILLE, SOUTH CAROLINA

Life at Bob Jones University can seem "strict" to some. Girls are restricted from wearing pants on certain parts of the campus. All dates must be chaperoned by one of the college staff, and under no circumstances are couples allowed to touch. Violations of these rules are strictly enforced, and those who accumulate enough demerits during a school year face expulsion. But recently rules regarding internet access on campus have been reevaluated.

"We recognize that the internet is both a wonderful and a perilous thing." Said Dr. Bob Jones III, Chancellor of the University. "Every day there is something new out there, and while many of these things are worldly, there are, on occasion, good ideas."

One of the ideas that Jones appreciates is that of the popular website MySpace, in which people can post information about themselves such as likes, dislikes, pictures, etc. But given the nature of much of the content on MySpace the website is blocked by the campus' internet filtering software.

"I like the idea of MySpace," said Jones, "a place where our students can connect and learn about one another, but MySpace is a terrible website, filled with worldly and base things. We just cannot let our students have access to such a website without monitoring them, and checking up on everything they are writing and posting. But we have come up with our own system called ThySpace, which will allow our students to basically do the same thing."

ThySpace will be launched this fall at the beginning of the 2007-2008 academic year and will only be available and accessible to Bob Jones students on campus. Students will be able to customize there own home page and list their favorite classes at Bob Jones, their favorite Bob Jones III quote, their favorite Bob Jones choir music that they like to listen to, and their favorite food at the Bob Jones Dining Common. In addition, students may post pictures of themselves so long as they were taken on the campus of the university, and they may regularly blog about the things they have learned during Sunday AM services at the Founders' Memorial Apithorium.

"What this will do is increase our community." Said Jones. "You take a good idea, like MySpace, and you tweak it just a bit and you get what we have here with ThySpace."

The site will be free to use by all campus students, and will be monitored by the school's staff to avoid any inappropriate remarks being made. Furthermore, under no circumstances may students of the opposite sex add each other as friends.

"We're here to show the world that we at Bob Jones University can be old fashioned and yet use new things." Said Jones. "But we're not going to compromise though. We're here to stand in the gap and show the world how Christians should live."

Russian Woman Recounts Tales of Persecution

TULA, RUSSIA

For Lena Korikova the memories of years past are still fresh and painful. But despite the suffering she endured she feels it is important to talk about her experiences.

"It's hard to speak about what happened to me and to my friends." She said. "We suffered great persecution for our beliefs. I still remember how things were so many years ago. You couldn't trust anyone. Your friends, your neighbors, those closest to you, you never knew if they were going to report you or turn you in for something. You never knew who was listening in on your conversations or who was, perhaps, watching you on some hidden camera."

Among a number of things Korikova had to keep secret were her Christian books and tapes that she dearly cherished.

"I was always terrified that they would show up at my door one day and start looking through my books and my music." Said Korikova. "I had some things that I knew would get me in trouble. I kept them hidden, or had different covers on the fronts of them taped on, but they could have been easily removed. I just prayed every day they would not find me out."

She also told stories of what happened to others who were found out.

"I remember waking up one morning only to discover that my dear friend was gone." She said. "She had been 'sent away,' they told me, because she was a 'problem.' They had caught her with her books and music, meeting secretly with others like herself. I never saw her again, and to this day I don't know what happened to her."

Such was life for Korikova during her years at Pensacola Christian College
where she and others who held to Reformed and Calvinistic beliefs struggled each day to survive and to not be found out.

"I had a copy of Calvin's Insitutes of the Christian Religion, but I knew that I could let no one know." She said. "So I covered them with brown paper and wrote 'Charles Finney's Systematic Theology' on the outside. Thankfully no one ever looked inside. I also had tapes of sermons by James Montgomery Boice which I labeled with different titles so that people would not know. One day my roommate borrowed one of the tapes, but thankfully she thought it was a mistake. She brought back the tape and told me, 'I think someone copied over this sermon.' I thanked her and told her I'd take care of it. That was a close call."

After graduating from P.C.C. in 1996 Korikova returned to her native Russia to serve in a Christian ministry to orphans in her native town of Tula. Four years earlier she had been recruited by a group from P.C.C. who was searching for international students from Russia just after the collapse of the Soviet Union.

"I tell stories of things that happened when I was a student and the older generation here in Russia cannot believe that it is true." She said. "They say things like 'How can this be true about America?' and 'I thought America was a free country.' But I tell them only the truth about what happened. Life was very hard, and I was scared."

Today, Korikova is happy in her ministry, but she still struggles with feelings of what happened to her.

"I know those days are over, but they still haunt me even today. I still look around suspiciously when I read some of my books, wondering who is watching me, wondering if someone is going to report me to the authorities and I'll be called into Dean of Students' office."

Study Shows "Ritalin" Has No Effect on "Hyper-Calvinism"

LYNCHBURG, VIRGINIA

The results of a recent study were released Monday regarding the drug Ritalin. Ritalin is often used to treat people with ADHD (Attention Deficit/ Hyper-Activity Disorder), but last year it caught the attention of researchers in the world of theology. A study group was formed at Liberty University, Lynchburg, Virginia, to see if Ritalin would have the same calming effect on "hyper-calvinism."

"We took ten volunteers from among our students who were hyper-calvinists." Said the program's director, Ergun Caner. "These students were then safely administered the drug Ritalin for 6 months."

The ten students were sought out through an ad in the school's newspaper asking the question, "Do you believe God is sovereign in salvation? Then come to the Student Center at 5PM tomorrow for a special celebration!"

At the beginning of the study the students were asked only two questions to determine if they were "hyper-calvinists."

"Do you choose God, or does God choose you?"
"Did Jesus die for everyone or only the elect?"

After six months of being on Ritalin the students were asked the same two questions. For all ten students none of their responses changed.

"We're back to square one now as to how we're going to deal with the growing problem of hyper-calvinism here at Liberty." Said a disappointed Caner. "This hyper-calvinism problem is just out of control!"

"I think one of the problems was that they don't understand the difference between Calvinism and hyper-calvinism." Said Liberty student Alex Ferguson. "I'm a Calvinist. I still believe in evangelism and preaching the gospel to all people."

On top of the disappointing results of the research, Liberty University now faces another problem. The parents of those students involved in the research are furious at the school.

"My son was led to believe he was participating in a study to see if he could 'concentrate and think more clearly.'" Said one parent. "They never told him they were trying to change his theology with a bunch of pills."

"This probably wasn't our best idea." Said Caner. "We'll make good on this with these parents, but this still doesn't fix our hyper-calvinism problem. I just wish there was something out there that could help."

Hyles-Anderson College Proposes "Authorized Coin"

CROWN POINT, INDIANA

The excitement level was high last Thursday at Hyles-Anderson College. The fundamentalist school founded by the Reverend Jack Hyles finalized and submitted a proposal to the United States government to issue a one dollar "Authorized" commemorative coin featuring the late minister.

Hyles pastored the First Baptist Church of Hammond, Indiana for over 40 years during which time he founded Hyles-Anderson College, staunchly defended the King James Bible and forcefully spoke out against other Christian leaders as being 'liberals.'

The announcement was made to the student body during Thursday's chapel service. "This is an historic day." Said Dr. Jack Schaap, pastor of First Baptist Church Hammond and Chancellor of the college. "We are submitting this proposal to the United States Government as a lasting monument to the work of Brother Hyles and the King James Bible. This coin will be a witness of his work and the purity of the Authorized Version 1611 every time someone spends a dollar."

The coin will feature a portrait of Hyles on the obverse along with the national motto "In God We Trust," and the standard U.S. coin information, the date and the mint mark. On the reverse of the coin there will be an artistic rendition of an open Bible, the phrase "e pluribus unum" and "The Authorized Version of 1611" commemorating the King James Version of the Bible.

"I have never seen such a beautiful coin." Said Dr. Wendell Evans, president of the college. "This coin is perfect and without error. It is pure, refined in a fire seven times. We are hoping and praying that the United States Government will see fit to authorize this beautiful coin."

But the celebration and enthusiasm may be short-lived.

"This is very strange." Said United States Mint Director Edmund Moy. "The United States Government does not receive proposals for coinage in this fashion. I'm not sure what these people are expecting will happen, but I can assure you the U.S. mint will not be minting any Jack Hyles coins in the future."

But Hyles-Anderson College remains confident.

"Our faith is strong on this matter." Said Schaap. "We are confident that the Authorized Coin will be approved and that soon millions of Americans will know the great legacy of Jack Hyles."

Reports Indicate Pensacola Christian College Plans to Add Student Handbook to Canon

PENSACOLA, FLORIDA

The reports are unsubstantiated, but a number of sources have recently revealed some plans by the faculty and administration of Pensacola Christian College that come as a shock to many.

"The administration and faculty have been, for the last two years, planning to make the P.C.C. Student Handbook an official part of the Bible." Said Dr. Mark Chamblin, a former faculty member whose contract was recently not renewed due to his 'questionable views.' "I protested this ridiculous proposal and was harshly criticized for my 'rebellion' against the wisdom of the administration." Said Chamblin. "And so they let me go. I want to expose this horrible plot."

Pensacola Christian College has been criticized over the years for what many say are 'harsh' and 'legalistic' restrictions upon their students that 'go beyond Scripture.' Some of these rules include restrictions upon what kind of music students may listen to, following detailed requirements for separate entrances to buildings for men and women, prohibiting men and women from walking and talking together on certain parts of the campus, and restricting what students may watch on television or at the movies even if they are with their parents.

"The administration has been pushing this for some time now." Said Chamblin. "Phrases like 'The Student Handbook is perfect and without error' kept coming up over the years. Finally the proposal was made that it ought to be made part of the canon so that the students and parents could no longer question its authority."

Chamblin released what he stated was a portion of the handbook text that has been "translated" from modern English into the language of the King James Version in order to make it, as he stated, "more authoritative."

"A group of professors from the school have been working on 'translating' the handbook for almost a year now." Said Chamblin. "They plan to have the final edition of the Bible ready to be released by the start of Fall 2007 classes."

Members of the P.C.C. administration declined to comment when questioned as to the validity of Chamblin's reports.

Falwell to Change Name to Ichthus Fish Symbol

LYNCHBURG, VIRGINIA

In a move that has confused many the Reverend Jerry Falwell, President of Liberty University and founder of Jerry Falwell Ministries, announced last week that he would be changing his name to an Ichthus, the popular symbol of a fish intended to identify someone as a Christian. Falwell made the announcement during last week's chapel service at Liberty University.

"We're still getting all of the paperwork done, but it is my sincere hope that by this time next week you will all refer to me by my new name." Said Falwell. "I think this new adjustment in my life shows that even a guy as old as I am can change and get hip with the times. If I'm going to reach out to today's youth culture I've got to get on board and be groovy and swell like all you young folks here today."

Because Falwell's new name will simply be a symbol many expect that they will have to refer to him as The Preacher Formerly Known as Dr. Jerry Falwell.

"This could get very tiring." Said Marie Larson, a Junior at Liberty. "From now on we won't be able to simply say 'Dr. Falwell' but we'll have to say 'The Man Formerly Known as Dr. Falwell.'"

Others are concerned as well that Falwell's move could cause problems in the Christian community at large.

"I've got an Ichthus fish on my car." Said Chris Milner, a Lynchburg resident. "I don't want people to see that and say, 'Hey look, that guy has the name of the guy formerly known as Jerry Falwell on his car. Let's get him!"

Still Falwell is determined to go through with the change.

"Barring any unforeseen problems the change should be effective by this Friday." Said Falwell. "From that point on if you want to send me a letter, make sure you put my correct name on the address. Otherwise I won't know who you're talking about and I won't get your letter."