Independent KJV-Only Fundamentalists Baptists Pass Website Reform

Tempe, AZ - In an unprecedented move, a national gathering of Independent KJV-Only Fundamentalist Baptists met in Tempe, Arizona to discuss the issue of website reform. While for the past 15 years churches and leaders within the IKJVOFB movement have resisted change, the fast growth of the web and new browsers now available have led the group to decided that something had to be done. Among those decisions passed were,

• Churches would upgrade their computer systems to at least Windows 98.
• Animated GIFs should be limited to no more than 50% of a page's image content.
• Underlined, bold and italicized text at the same time on a website should be discontinued. Churches or independent "evangelists" may continue to use any combination of the two, but not all three at the same time.
• All-caps may be used but only in reference to the KVJ-only position, "liberals," Calvinism, or when referencing James White. When referencing "common" points of doctrine (i.e. the Trinity, virgin birth, resurrection, etc.") all-caps may no longer be used.
• Sites must contain no more than two frames.
• Font sizes should be no larger than 78, with the exception of referring to the KJV-only position, "liberals," Calvinism, or when referencing James White.
• Spelling on websites must be at least 85% correct.
• Sites should take no longer than 4 minutes to load.
• Pictures should be kept to under 4 MB in size.
• Background music on sites should be completely eliminated.
• Sites should be updated at least every 3 years.
• Color schemes should be used that allow the text of the site to be at least barely readable.
• Plans should be made to discontinue writing sites in basic HTML on a plain-text editors by the year 2019.

"We feel these measures will bring our churches up to at least a 1999 level," said pastor Steven Sanderson of Faithful Word of the Bible Church in Tempe. "We want to see more of our IKJVOFB people better utilize 20th-century methods of communication.

Slopology

slop-ol-o-gy (slŏp-ŏl'ə-jē)
noun, plural -gies
1. The study of slop

I came across this jewel whilst perusing the internet the other day. Brother Grice here appears to be a rising star in the magical land of IBFdom. Listen closely here as he mounts up for battle and viciously attacks a straw man called "Calvinism."

Warning: You might not want to have your speakers up too loudly as Bro. Grice is found of sudden changes in volume.

Squirmeneutics

squir-me-neu-tics (skwûrm'mə-nōō'tĭks)
n. (used with a sing. or pl. verb)
1. the science of misinterpretation, esp. of the Scriptures, to such a degree that it causes listeners with any common sense to squirm.
2. misinterpretation of the Scriptures so absurd that it causes one to question whether or not it could possibly be for real.

Well, it's once again time for our old friend "pastor" Steven Anderson. In case you forgot, some time ago Steven bought us a comprehensive theology of masculine bathroom etiquette. Now Steven blesses us with this tidbit of theological wizardry on why Jesus wore pants and not a robe.

Now, before you watch this, be forewarned. You're IQ is about to drop. While there is a lot out there in the world of theology that irks me, I'm coming to the conclusion that there is really something clinical going on here. This is beyond your annoying fundamentalist rant. This is mental disability. Think I'm being to harsh? Just watch.

Slopology: Gail Riplinger, the Titanic and My Exploding Brain

slop-ol-o-gy (slŏp-ŏl'ə-jē)
noun, plural -gies
1. The study of slop

The absurd and far-out are no strangers to TBNN. But every now and then a little something comes along that defies any laws of stupidity. The laws of stupidity state that something can only be so ridiculous before people with an IQ of at least 12 will say "Okay, that just doesn't make any sense."

Take a look at this video posted by Alpha and Omega Ministries. It contains a radio clip by a KJV-Only extremist by the name of Gail Riplinger. For those of you who don't know about her, she's written several "books" on the subject, all filled with inaccuracies and stuff that I'm convinced she just plain made up. I've always thought Gail Riplinger to be a bit "out there", but now I'm convinced that there's something clinical going on. Just google her name and you'll see.

So here's the video.

WARNING! TBNN takes no responsibility if your IQ drops from watching this. What you're about to see is absolutely STUPID. Not just "stupid" but "stoooooopiiiiiiid!"

Fundamentalists Await New "THiPhone"

Pensacola, Fl - Pensacola Christian College announced on Thursday that they will soon release the much anticipated "THiPhone." With the recent popularity of Apple's iPhone, many fundamentalists have been looking for a way to enjoy the convenience of the technology but without compromising their principles by using the "vulgar, base, worldly, accursed things."

"I'll admit, the technology is amazing, but I just couldn't bring myself to buy one," said Pastor Kenneth Hamperton of Bible Believers Sword of the Lord Baptist Church. "So many people own these phones and are listening to Kid Rock and Snoop Doggy Doo (sic) on them. Now while I wouldn't listen to such trash I know that someone might see me listening to my iPhone and say 'Hey look, brother Hamperton is listening to Kid Rock I bet. I guess I can too!' I don't want to be a stumbling block. We're called to be separate you know."

But the THiPhone, developed by a joint venture between the Science and Communications departments at P.C.C., promises to provide all of the functions of the iPhone but without the "evil" things normally associated with it. The THiPhone has many of the same features as the iPhone but with the following changes.

• Like the popular "ePhod" the THiPhone will not play any songs with "bad" music, such as music with offbeats, hand clapping or distorted guitars.
• The THiPhone comes pre-installed with a mobile version of Net Finney to prevent any Calvinist or Reformed websites from being visited.
• The THiPhone will play videos but only recorded services from the P.C.C. campus church.
• The THiPhone's camera can only take pictures of modest clothing or the P.C.C. campus.

There are also features that allow P.C.C. students to report other students who might be engaged in "rebellion" such as using the telephone in someone else's room or walking on the grass or speaking favorably of the Puritans. 

The THiPhone's release is planned for this fall with a starting price of $399.

Chinese House Churches Adopt KJV-Only Position

Zhongmu, China - A recent flurry of theological change has swept the Chinese secretive house church movement. A Chinese pastor, simply known as "Pastor Zheng" (full name withheld for safety reasons) told TBNN that because of recent convictions after reading literature by prominent KJV-only advocates that he and most other house church pastors have come to the conclusion that the King James Version of the Bible is the only accurate Bible in the entire world.

"The arguments are very obvious and the conclusions more serious" said Zheng. "After reading literature by such persons as Dr. Ruckman and Mrs. Riplinger I cannot help but say that the King James Bible is the only true Bible in the world today. All other translations, including our own Chinese translation must be corrupted, filled with errors. Therefore we in the house church movement of China will use only the King James Bible."

While Zheng is, overall, very excited about the change he does admit that there are some problems, namely that less than %0.10 of all house church attendees are able to understand English.

"My ability to speak English is rare amongst our people" said Zheng. "But that doesn't negate the fact that we must use this Bible no matter what. If we don't then no one can be saved."

Beginning last Sunday believers from all over the house church movement threw away their "corrupt" Chinese Bibles and picked up their brand new KJV 1611 editions that were passed out.

"I do not understand English" said one elderly woman through a translator. "But they say that this Bible I have here is the only true translation of the word, that it is perfect, and that if I want to go to heaven I must read from this Bible. It will be difficult because I am old, but I will try."

Ruckman Declares Himself to be "DOS 6.11-Only", Riplinger Writes Book on Subject

Pensacola, Fl - Dr. Peter S. Ruckman, the outspoken defender of the exclusivity of the King James Version of the Bible, declared in a recent article that DOS version 6.11 is "the only true and perfect operating system." In the article, which appeared in the March edition The Sword of Truth magazine, Dr. Ruckman was asked about which software he uses when he writes his books. Ruckman responded by saying,

"I exclusively use Word Star for DOS 6.11. The 6.11 version of DOS is pure and undefiled in every way. Take a look at today's new modern operating systems, and you'll clearly see that they are filled with errors and take away entire functions."

Ruckman, during the interview went on to say that all modern versions of operating systems are inventions of the "Alexandrian Cult," and utilize faulty programming languages.

"There's no need to reference all of these different programming languages" stated Ruckman. "Languages such as C, C+, Java, ABCL/1 and Agora, these are all tricks of Satan to deceive people about the truth and purity of DOS 6.11.


In a related story, TBNN discovered that upon the publication of the article, the controversial author of New Age Bible Versions, Gail A. Riplinger had already written a book on the subject of computer operating systems entitled New Age Operating System Versions. In Riplinger's 914 page book she claims to provide "indisputable proof" that modern operating systems are part of a New Age plot to destroy the purity of DOS 6.11. In the book Riplinger quotes from an interview with Microsoft founder Bill Gates where he says,

"Windows Vista...is...by far...poised...to take over...the world. We at Microsoft believe that...if people...will...just use...our...operating system...that we...will be able...to...turn...them to...the...dark...side."

Riplinger also goes on to demonstrate in her book through the use of multiple charts numerous "proofs of conspiracy" that she claims were "revealed by God" when she was writing the book. In one chart she uses something called "Acrostic Algebra" to show that modern operating systems are evil.



Ruckman went on to state that he also plans to write a book on the subject of operating system versions due out next week.

Note: Listen to this debate between Dr. James White and Gail Riplinger if you want more of a background on this post.

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KJV "Typo" Nullifies Pastoral Calling, Perhaps More

Woodsville, Washington - Pastor William Herliksen is finding himself in a bit of a "faith crisis" these days. Herliksen, who has pastored Bible Believers Baptist Church for the past twelve years has made two things the primary focus of his ministry.

"We do two things here at BBBC" said Herliksen. "We lift up the King James Bible above all, and we follow only what Paul teaches."

Under Herliksen's leadership the church has adopted a KJV-only position that even some who advocate only using the King James Bible find "radical." Some of those views taken directly form BBBC's statement of faith include,

• One cannot be saved with any other version of the Bible other than the King James
• All translations into other languages must be made from the King James Bible

But lately Herliksen has had to come face-to-face with his own words. Last week, as Herliksen was on vacation with his wife he woke up one morning to read his Bible. Realizing he had left his Bible in his bedroom and not wanting to wake up his wife, he decided to pick up her Bible and read. He began reading in Romans chapter 13, and was only 10 verses into the chapter when he noticed something strange. The passage in his wife's Bible read, "Love worketh no ill to his neighbour: therefore love is the fulfilling of the law." The problem lay with the word "neighbour" which Herliksen immediately noticed was spelled differently than he had been used to in his Bible.

"I became instantly concerned" stated Herliksen. "I was almost certain that my Bible spelled the word 'neighbor.'"

Herliksen pondered the problem for some time and waited until his wife woke up to retrieve his Bible.

"As soon as I walked in the living room Bill just shot up off of the couch and tore into the bedroom" said wife Lillian. "No 'good morning' or anything."

Upon retrieving his Bible Herliksen's "worst fears" were confirmed. In his Bible, the Bible that he had used for over 30 years, it read "neighbor" and not "neighbour." Upon further investigation, Herliksen soon discovered that his own copy of the KJV was a misprint.

"I was devastated" said Herliksen. "That was the Bible I was reading when I supposedly got saved. That's the Bible I've preached from for over 30 years."

The crisis for Herliksen now is this; because of the typo his Bible cannot technically be called a real "King James Bible" thus nullifying all of his ministry including preaching, teaching and personal reading. But more frightening to Herliksen than anything else is the possibility that he has missed salvation altogether because of the mistake.

"This means that the Bible I was reading when I got saved was not really a King James Bible. I'm probably not even saved. This means that the Bible I have been preaching from to people all of these years has not really been a King James Bible, and that means all of those people who have walked the aisle are not really saved either. I've spent the past 30 years using a Satanic translation."

Since making the discovery Herliksen has resigned his position as pastor of BBBC.

"I don't know what I'm going to do now" stated Herliksen. "I'm still going to the church each week, but I just don't know if I can be forgiven of this sin. I've gotten another Bible, but I'm so scared that there might be another typo in it. My eternal destiny rests upon me actually reading the exactly right and perfect translation. How can I know that I have that? How can I be certain?"

VHS-Onlyism Becoming More Popular

Pensacola, Fl - It's Sunday morning at Bible Believers Baptist Church in Pensacola, and the congregation has gathered for Sunday School. Recently the class started a new video series on the book of Mark taught by one of their favorite preachers, Dr. Peter S. Ruckman. David Peidt, the Sunday School director settles the class, opens the time in prayer, and then pulls out the VHS tape that contains Dr. Ruckman's message. "You know, some folks don't even believe in using VHS tapes anymore" he comments to the crowd. A soft series of agreeing responses follows, and the group settles in for the message.

Bible Believers Baptist Church is not alone. Recently a number of independent fundamentalist churches have begun to go on the offensive against what they feel are "threats to the distribution of Biblical truths through the medium of VHS tape." One of the leaders of the movement is pastor Mike Paulmon of Wichita Bible Church.

"We are staunchly VHS only at our church" stated Paulmon. "For fifteen years the VHS tape was used to mass distribute preaching throughout the world. Then they started coming out with all of these new forms of media, DVD and now all of these digital forms like AVI files and MPEGs. These are nothing but a trick from Satan to confuse and deceive people."

Paulmon went on to further explain how the use of other forms of media causes confusion.

"You take for instance this VHS tape" he said. "It's just perfect. All I do is pop it in my VCR and record whatever I want. Or if I need to I just set up a VHS camcorder and record something. I can then take that very same tape and pop it into any VCR around the world and it's good to go. Now, all of this DVD business, not every DVD player can play every DVD. Some of them won't work. Besides, to be able to record a DVD you've got to have a special recorder, and a special player. Now the DVD is bad enough, but you take all of these electronic files that you got to have a computer to play them on, like the AVI, MPEG, WMV and VID, it's nothing but confusion. You send someone a file and you've got to have the right program or else it won't play."

Giving further fuel to their cause, some notable figures in the fundamentalist world have joined their cause. One in particular, Dr. Peter S. Ruckman himself, recently spoke out in favor of using only the VHS.

"The VHS is perfect in every way," stated Ruckman. "There's no need to improve upon that which is perfect already. Those who are putting out all of these new deforms of media are all part of the Californian Cult, lusting only after money."

Ruckman went on to further state that he intends to write a book on the subject, due to be released at the end of the week.

Seminary Professor Caught Inventing Fake Greek Words

LAWRENCE, MISSOURI

The aim of Lawrence Temple Bible College is to "teach young men to be preachers." For the past fifteen years the Independent Fundamentalist Baptist school has sought to train the men who attend to be "well rounded preachers" by focusing on two main aspects in their teaching; a firm understanding of the King James Bible and soul winning. But in the world of accredited institutions LTBC struggled to gain respect in the field of higher eduction over the years. As a result they began a campaign to expand their curriculum and hire new more "qualified" faculty.

The college's first addition came with the hiring of Dr. Robert Green. Green, a noted fundamentalist, KJV-only pastor, came to the college with an impressive list of credentials including a high school diploma from Northshore High School in Riverwood, Indiana and four honorary doctorate degrees with three being from Hyles-Anderson College in Hammond, Indiana and one from Texas Bible College in Longview, Texas. Dr. Green's primary responsiblities would be to teach courses in preaching and Bible translations with a specific emphasis upon the merits of the King James Bible and the Textus Receptus. With Green's resume stating that he had "extensive training in and knowledge of Biblical Greek" excitement was high among the members of the LTBC faculty, with hopes that the school had finally found someone who could show the errors of the other "Satanic translations" of the Bible on a scholarly level.

For Green's first semester at the college all went well. Students seemed to enjoy his class on Bible translations, and more than ever students were convinced of the merits of the Authorized Version and the superiority of the Textus Receptus. But as the second semester rolled around and a new batch of students entered Green's class a problem began to emerge. One student's "real" knowledge of Greek would soon prove that Dr. Green not only did not know Greek at all, but he consistently invented "Greek-sounding" words that he presented to the class as authentic Koine Greek.

The problem was discovered by Jack Cartwright, a first-year student at LTBC. Cartwright had studied Greek for three years during high school, expecting to go into the medical field. Instead he enrolled at LTBC believing he was called into the ministry.

"I was sitting there in Dr. Green's class on the first day thinking everything was alright" said Cartwright. "Dr. Green seemed like a pretty nice guy and all that. He started talking about how the King James Version was translated from the Textus Receptus, what he called a 'superior Greek text' and how all of these other translations were taken from corrupt texts which made them inferior. Well, that all sounded fine to me. But then he started giving examples of what he called 'corruptions' in the Greek. He started talking about 'Greek' words that weren't really Greek words at all."

Cartwright sat dumbfounded for the next two hours while Green lectured on why "charity" is a better translation than "love" in 1 Corinthians 13.

"Dr. Green told us that the word for 'love' in the Greek is 'kaiposoluptis'" said Cartwright. "Well, at first I thought he was just joking, then I realized that this guy was serious! Not only is "kaiposoluptis" not a Greek word, but as far as I know it's not a word in any language."

As Green's lecture continued he presented more and more "Greek" examples to the class that Cartwright caught.

"I started writing them down" he said. "They were downright funny. He said that the verb for 'to run' was 'hapalomelama.' I almost lost it when he told the class that the Greek word for 'Lord' was 'elohim.'"

After class Cartwright talked to some of his classmates about the situation only to find himself rebuked for his questioning of authority.

"I talked to some of the other guys in the class and they were all like 'Man, who do you think you are?'" he said. "They all told me that I have no right questioning 'God's man."

The problems for Cartwright did not stop there though. He soon took his complaint to LTBC's Academic Dean only to be told to "cease his spirit of rebellion." Cartwright soon dropped all his classes and withdrew from LTBC.

"I'm done with that school" he said. "They're absolutely ignorant and almost proud of it. I don't know what I'm going to do exactly, but I know I won't go back there."

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Hyles-Anderson College Proposes "Authorized Coin"

CROWN POINT, INDIANA

The excitement level was high last Thursday at Hyles-Anderson College. The fundamentalist school founded by the Reverend Jack Hyles finalized and submitted a proposal to the United States government to issue a one dollar "Authorized" commemorative coin featuring the late minister.

Hyles pastored the First Baptist Church of Hammond, Indiana for over 40 years during which time he founded Hyles-Anderson College, staunchly defended the King James Bible and forcefully spoke out against other Christian leaders as being 'liberals.'

The announcement was made to the student body during Thursday's chapel service. "This is an historic day." Said Dr. Jack Schaap, pastor of First Baptist Church Hammond and Chancellor of the college. "We are submitting this proposal to the United States Government as a lasting monument to the work of Brother Hyles and the King James Bible. This coin will be a witness of his work and the purity of the Authorized Version 1611 every time someone spends a dollar."

The coin will feature a portrait of Hyles on the obverse along with the national motto "In God We Trust," and the standard U.S. coin information, the date and the mint mark. On the reverse of the coin there will be an artistic rendition of an open Bible, the phrase "e pluribus unum" and "The Authorized Version of 1611" commemorating the King James Version of the Bible.

"I have never seen such a beautiful coin." Said Dr. Wendell Evans, president of the college. "This coin is perfect and without error. It is pure, refined in a fire seven times. We are hoping and praying that the United States Government will see fit to authorize this beautiful coin."

But the celebration and enthusiasm may be short-lived.

"This is very strange." Said United States Mint Director Edmund Moy. "The United States Government does not receive proposals for coinage in this fashion. I'm not sure what these people are expecting will happen, but I can assure you the U.S. mint will not be minting any Jack Hyles coins in the future."

But Hyles-Anderson College remains confident.

"Our faith is strong on this matter." Said Schaap. "We are confident that the Authorized Coin will be approved and that soon millions of Americans will know the great legacy of Jack Hyles."

Reports Indicate Pensacola Christian College Plans to Add Student Handbook to Canon

PENSACOLA, FLORIDA

The reports are unsubstantiated, but a number of sources have recently revealed some plans by the faculty and administration of Pensacola Christian College that come as a shock to many.

"The administration and faculty have been, for the last two years, planning to make the P.C.C. Student Handbook an official part of the Bible." Said Dr. Mark Chamblin, a former faculty member whose contract was recently not renewed due to his 'questionable views.' "I protested this ridiculous proposal and was harshly criticized for my 'rebellion' against the wisdom of the administration." Said Chamblin. "And so they let me go. I want to expose this horrible plot."

Pensacola Christian College has been criticized over the years for what many say are 'harsh' and 'legalistic' restrictions upon their students that 'go beyond Scripture.' Some of these rules include restrictions upon what kind of music students may listen to, following detailed requirements for separate entrances to buildings for men and women, prohibiting men and women from walking and talking together on certain parts of the campus, and restricting what students may watch on television or at the movies even if they are with their parents.

"The administration has been pushing this for some time now." Said Chamblin. "Phrases like 'The Student Handbook is perfect and without error' kept coming up over the years. Finally the proposal was made that it ought to be made part of the canon so that the students and parents could no longer question its authority."

Chamblin released what he stated was a portion of the handbook text that has been "translated" from modern English into the language of the King James Version in order to make it, as he stated, "more authoritative."

"A group of professors from the school have been working on 'translating' the handbook for almost a year now." Said Chamblin. "They plan to have the final edition of the Bible ready to be released by the start of Fall 2007 classes."

Members of the P.C.C. administration declined to comment when questioned as to the validity of Chamblin's reports.

NASB Onlyism Gaining New Momentum

TACOMA, WASHINGTON

"You just can't be any more NASB than we are," said pastor Doug Holstein of Clearwater Baptist Church in Tacoma, Washington. "We believe that the New American Standard Bible is the absolute perfect and preserved Bible. There's no need to go back to the Greek and Hebrew to understand some kind of 'deeper meaning' of the text. It's all right there in English, in the New American Standard."

Holstein's church of 45 members has held fervently to this position since its founding in 1980, and has put him and his congregation at odds on a number of occasions with other local churches.

"We don't put up with other modern per-versions of Scripture. If you want the only true Bible you've got to have a NASB."

The NASB (New American Standard Bible often pronounced "nazz-bee") is a revision from the ASV (American Standard Version) of 1901. The latest version of the NASB was updated and released in 1996. When asked about the fact that the NASB is itself a modern translation of Scripture Holstein replied, "I don't need your high-faluting scholarship! People think that you got to have some kind of education in order to understand the Bible, but that's just dumb. My faith is based on faith and not knowledge!"

Holstein further advocates the view that any difference between the English text of the NASB and the original Greek and Hebrew is divinely inspired.

"The English is superior to the Greek and Hebrew." Said Holstein. "I mean, how many people can speak Greek and Hebrew? Furthermore, if the English is somehow different from the Greek or Hebrew, then change the Greek or Hebrew. Don't mess with what's perfect already. If you've got the perfect word, why go backwards?"

"This is very strange," said the Rev. Lucas James of Covenant Presbyterian Church in Tacoma. "We personally use the New American Standard here in our congregation, but there is no basis, Biblical or historical, for saying that the NASB is somehow an inspired or perfect translation."

The membership at Clearwater Baptist Church has dropped for the past 12 consecutive years.

"He's an oddball with cult-like control over his congregation," said former member Chris Harrell. "Every time a member leaves or someone criticizes him from the community he takes that to mean he's being persecuted for his faith, and he rejoices all the more."

Despite criticism Holstein intends to become more fervent in his defense of the NASB.

"We lift up the NASB above all. If you want to be saved you better get one. If you don't know English you better get to learning."

Ruckman Denies the Existence of Greece

PENSACOLA, FLORIDA

He is known as the often rancorous and forceful defender of the King James Version of the Bible. His books and writings regarding the subject of modern translations and other theological topics are controversial to many, inflammatory to some. He states emphatically and unapologetically that the King James Version of the Bible is itself perfect and inspired. He further opposes any efforts to examine either Hebrew or Greek texts in Biblical exegesis and attempt at a modern translation of the Scriptures. Over all Peter S. Ruckman of the Pensacola Bible Institute is no stranger to a rousing fight.

While most of his opponents are not surprised by his dogmatic statements and assertions, his latest statement has left many with their jaws "hitting the floor."

"After much research and prayer it is my conclusion that there's no such place as Greece and, consequently, there is no such thing as the Greek language." Said Ruckman in his latest book The Conspiracy of the Evangelical Apostates. "Anyone who believes in Greece is part of the Alexandrian Cult seeking to undermine the authority of the Authorized Version of 1611."

Ruckman's book also includes his own "map" of the Mediterranean region which, as he states, gives "irrefutable proof that there's no such place as Greece."

But despite such "evidence" many are not persuaded that Ruckman is correct including Karolous Argyris of Greece.

"I'm not understanding this, is this supposed to be a joke?" Said Argyris. "I don't have time to even acknowledge such things."

Ruckman's assertion serves to support his position that since there is no Greece there can be no Greek language, and thus what we know as "Greek" was, as he states, invented by the "Alexandrian Cult" about 3,500 years ago with the express purpose to undermine the validity of the Authorized Version that would be translated some 3,000 years later in 1611.

"There is no doubt in my mind that this scheme was cooked up in antiquity by Satan to cause confusion and to deceive millions," Ruckman states "and for centuries he's achieved his goal. Now it's time to get back to the real original manuscript, The King James 1611."