Brother Cites Matthew 18 - Intends to Never Forgive Sister Again

If there's one thing that Jared and Charity Ellison do well, it's fight. Rarely is there a peaceful moment in the Ellison household when these two are home together.

"We have to stay on them constantly," said Father Mark. "We just don't know what to do sometimes. I mean, overall they're good kids, they just kick and claw and scream and yell and hit each other repeatedly. I'll scold them and say 'Now, you two shouldn't do that.' or make them do timeout or something, but they just keep on fighting."

But things recently got worse and for a reason the Ellisons weren't expecting. It all started when Mark and his wife Glenda decided it was time to start taking the kids to church. The first Sunday they had attended in a long time, the kid's Sunday School lesson was on the subject of forgiveness from Matthew 18:21,22;

"Then Peter came and said to Him, "Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me and I forgive him? Up to seven times?" Jesus said to him, "I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven."

"When we heard what the Sunday School lesson was about we got all excited," said mother Glenda. "We thought that perhaps this would encourage the kids to start loving and forgiving each other more."

But the Ellisons were wrong. Upon hearing the lessons, younger brother Jared decided to take the verse literally, specifically where Peter asks about forgiving one's "brother." Now he never intends to forgive his sister ever again.

"Ha! It doesn't say anything in the Bible about forgiving your sister!" screamed an excited Jared. "I'm so glad we went to church. It was awesome. She has to forgive me because I'm her brother, but I don't have to forgive her for anything, because she's a girl!"

While a little dismayed, Charity may have found her own loophole in the command.

"Okay, so if I have to forgive my brother, I have to forgive him, but I only have to do it 'seventy times seven' just like the Bible says. I figured out how much that is. I've got straight A's in math you know. And seventy times seven is 490. You can bet your boogers I'm keeping track of how many times I've forgiven that little brat, and he's not going to get one extra forgiveness from me. Not one!"

According to Charity by the end of the day Monday following the Sunday School lesson, Jared had already used up 264 of his "forgivenesses."

TBNN Exclusive: Fred Phelps Not in Running for McCain VP

Topeka, Ks - In an exclusive interview with an anonymous member of the John McCain campaign, TBNN has learned that the Rev. Fred Phelps of Westboro Baptist Church is not a potential vice presidential running mate for the Republican ticket. Some had speculated whether Phelps, the controversial and often inflammatory pastor, might be a possible choice. But when TBNN questioned the campaign worker it became clear that Phelps is "nowhere in the picture."

"No, Phelps will not be at today's rally," said the worker. "I don't think he was ever a consideration."

With Phelps out of the picture speculation is now turning to exactly who will be chosen with some experts suggesting names like John Hagee, Creflo Dollar and Hank Hanegraaff. Others have speculated that the Rev. Jesse Jackson will be named. McCain is expected to make his announcement today at 12PM EST.

Church Sued Over Trademark Infringement

Chicago, Il - Recently the members of Mt. Olive Baptist Church in Chicago have found themselves in a bit of a predicament. It's been over 25 years since the small congregation was founded, and through the years there has been little trouble. But that all changed just recently when the church discovered that they were being sued for trademark infringement by a major U.S. corporation, whose name has not yet been released.

The issue at hand dates back almost two years ago when the church remodeled their sanctuary and added a new church sign in an effort to "freshen up" their image. New chairs were installed, a fresh coat of paint was applied and a new piano was brought in. In addition, the church's new sign was updated each day with new, fresh sayings to encourage people. All this was coupled with the church's new slogan "I'm lovin' it."

"I really don't understand what all the trouble is about," said pastor Lester Boyton. "We're just a small congregation trying to get by. All we did was change up a few things here and there to make it easier on the people."

Since the physical changes two years ago the church also began doing other things a little differently. Pastor Boyton explained some of changes to TBNN.

"We used to have our worship service from 11AM-12PM, but now we start at 6AM and go until 10:30AM, that way people can come when it's most convenient for them. During this time too, we also have breakfast for people if they need it. We have fresh apple pies or some handy English muffins with eggs and ham and such. After the morning service at 10:30 we have lunch also for people who want it, but we usually keep it simple with just hamburgers and french fries, and maybe a salad for those who request it."

According to Boyton the case is set to go to court later this summer. TBNN was unable to uncover any further information about the unnamed plaintiff in the case, but several top members of the journalistic profession are looking into the situation.

"Bible Bow Tie" Not Getting Deserved Recognition

Spokane, Wa - The subject always seems to frustrate Pastor William Conner, especially in an election year.

"All we ever hear about is the 'Bible Belt, Bible Belt, Bible Belt'" said Conner. "Every television commentator talks about how the candidates did in the 'Bible Belt' but no one ever mentions us. It's as if we don't exist up here!"

The "we" to which Conner is referring is the little known area of the country some call the "Bible Bow Tie." The Bible Bow Tie is a small geographic area of Eastern Washington state and the Northern stem of Idaho which has a high concentration of evangelical conservative Christians. Few people seem to be aware of this area of the country as it is almost always eclipsed by the much larger area of the Southeast known as the "Bible Belt." But Conner is pushing to change this.

"We are a strong and growing region" Conner told TBNN. "Each year the number of evangelical Christians in the the Bible Bowtie grows by eight percent, and that's pretty significant. We also have had a strong influence over the years in the politics of our respective states pushing for more conservative agendas. I think it's time for the candidates to give us a little attention this year."

Conner has spent a considerable amount of time petitioning the major cable and broadcast news networks to run stories about the Bible Bowtie, hoping to draw attention to the region, but as of yet, none have responded to Conner's requests.

"We're not going to give up" said Conner. "Right now we're just a bow tie, but at our current rate of growth, that image could change. Already with some of the new areas that are developing we are poised to become the Bible Tank-top by 2016."

"Loster" in Translation

Below you will find an excerpt from Joel Osteen's Your Best Life Now. Below that you will find an English version that has been translated through several languages using a popular online translation website. I suppose the question is whether or not Osteen's writings actually might make more sense when one does this.

Original:

"You, too, may have assumed that you’ve already peaked, that you’ve reached your limits in life, that you will never be more successful. I’ll never achieve significance, do something meaningful, or enjoy the good things in life that I’ve seen others enjoy.

Sad to say, you are exactly right . . . unless you are willing to change your thinking. That’s why the first step to living at your full potential is to enlarge your vision. To live your best life now, you must start looking at life through eyes of faith, seeing yourself rising to new levels. See your business taking off. See your marriage restored. See your family prospering. See your dreams coming to pass. You must conceive it and believe it is possible if you ever hope to experience it.

To conceive it, you must have an image on the inside of the life you want to live on the outside. This image has to become a part of you, in your thoughts, your conversation, deep down in your subconscious mind, in your actions, in every part of your being."

Translation: from English to Spanish, Spanish to Russian, Russian to English, English to German, German to French, French to English, English to Arabic and finally Arabic back to English.

"We can also assume that you have already reached the optimum level, which reached its limits, and succeed in life. For each case, it is important that we try to do something useful, or enjoy more things in life, I saw the rest of you.

Unfortunately, not only to you ... If it is not ready to accept the change in his thinking. Of this first phase in the life of its Assembly on the expansion potential of substances. Find the best experiences of his life, and now, we should start life seen through the eyes of faith, has risen to a new level. Vidte case has been disconnected. Consultation in his new marriage. The family to prosperity. See dreams happen successfully. Got pregnant and I think it is possible, if it hopes to live.

Pregnant women, and you should have an opportunity, within the framework of living in life, outside of the page. The image must be part of yourself, in his opinion, and he, in your Subconscious, in their actions, which covers all or part of the entity."

Christian Musicians Revive "Tacky" Album Cover Art

Oversized pictures, overused fonts, strange song names, bad hair, bad clothing - these were the things that made Christian independent albums so great during the 60s, 70s and mid-80s.  But the trend of "tacky" album cover art dwindled into obscurity as records become less and less used among the general public.  With the advent of 8-track tapes, cassette tapes and compact disks, huge over-designed album covers became less and less of a demand.  

But in an effort to reconnect with the past a number of Christian artists have again revived the practice of designing "tacky" album covers.  With countless editions of shareware drawing software on the market, it seems anyone with an 486DX processor or better can put together a class A, absolutely tasteless album cover

 in just a matter of minutes.

"I remember long summer days at my Grandmothers" said Sachapone Davis, a singer from Memphis, Tennessee whose recently released self-produced album Let Me Tell You About My Friend has sold almost 8 copies over the past 6 months.  "I remember she had just the stacks and stacks of records that I'd look through, all of people I'd never heard of before.  Sometimes there'd be a family all dressed alike on the front.  I remember this one singing duo, it was two sisters.  One was holding a big old bass guitar and the other had an accordion.  It's that kind of stuff that people remember."

Many Christian artists have surmised that the tackier the better.  "When something is just so bad that it's good, people will not forget it" said Bruno Maltise, an indy artist from Chicago.  "People want to see color, big pictures that are just terrible, and every font imaginable."

In order to solve the problem of the limited space available on the front of CD covers, many of the independent artists have resorted to returning to recordings on records.

"Records were the best" said Davis.  "As long as you handled them with white gloves, perfectly got the needle on the record itself and a stiff breeze didn't slightly jiggle the record player while it was going, a record would last up to 9 months.  You just can't beat that kind of quality."

It remains to be seen if the trend will catch on with other artists around the country.  But for now, the few that have undertaken to revive an old tradition are satisfied with the results.

"It's always fun to see people's reactions when I try to sell my records" said Davis.  "At first people think that these are old albums, then they see the copyright date of 2007 and they start laughing."

Christmas Wishes

Dear TBNN readers,

Well, it's been an exciting first year here at TBNN. (Technically we're not a year old. We'll have a special celebration for that in January.) We've enjoyed bringing you our stories six days a week, and watching interest in the site grow. But it's time to close down shop until after the first of the year. So today is the last post until Wednesday, January 2, 2008. We here at TBNN want to wish all of you a very Merry Christmas. Also, some of our regulars here would like to take a moment and share with you their Christmas wishes.

"Christmas is a special time where we as believers in the one true and living God set aside a specific season to ponder the great mystery of the Logos being made flesh. What a tremendous and weighty theological subject matter. It's depths cannot be fully fathomed! That the Almighty left his home in glory to redeem his elect. What majesty, what wisdom, what glory worthy of all praise and honor." - Joel Osteen

"I just hope that when you get together with family and friends this holiday season, and your sipping that warm hot chocolate, or eating on that big turkey, or when you finally get that new iPod you've been wanting, that you remember that Christmas is about love, and our lives are to be about loving others and being good people. Look inside yourself and find the Christmas in you!" - John MacArthur

"May peace, joy and happiness be upon you all, and may you find joy this Christmas like you've never found before!" - Fred Phelps

"Remember as you celebrate Christmas, that there are others who are celebrating their special festive times. Don't forget our Muslim brothers, many of whom make their annual pilgrimage to Mecca this time of year. Or there's that wonderful holiday of Kwanzaa that we really don't know much about, but it's important! And let's not neglect Hanukkah. Respect those Menorah's when you see them. And last but not least, there's our pagan brothers and sisters who use this time to worship nature. So, Christmas is about tolerance and respect. May you find that this Holiday Season." - Albert Mohler

"Oh what depths and what riches may be found in the passages of God's Word that take us to the manger. Oh what joys may be reaped from those words of the incarnation. That we should not be left to die and perish in our sins. Oh what mercy!" - Brian McLaren

"You know Christmas is more than about a manger. It's about a mission, a mindset, a meaning, that goes beyond people being saved. Christmas is about a life of just trying to figure things out. It shows us that there's so much we can't know, and we just can go around pushing what we believe on other people." - John Piper

So there you have it folks. I hope I didn't mix any of those comments up. Hmm, maybe I better proofread it again, but I don't really have time right now. Oh well. Merry Christmas.

-Tom

Man's Birthright Fetches $49.95 on Ebay

Boonville, Arkansas - What do you do when you're out of work, low on cash and have a computer? If you're Prentiss Fullman, you sell your "birthright" on Ebay.

Fullman, 34, who lives with his parents, recently took the "drastic measures" because of a recent confrontation he had had with them. It seems that Fullman's parents, Bobby John and Helen, finally gave their son an ultimatum, "get a job, or get out of the trailer." When they told him this he argued with his parents that he was unable to work because of his "disability."

"We really got into it one night" said Fullman. "I was playing Halo 3 in my room when dad busted in and started yelling and me about being lazy. I've been trying to find a job now for the last 10 years, just nothing in management will ever open up for me. And I can't do hard work on account of my disability."

"He is as lazy as the day is long" said Bobby John Fullman. "He sleeps in till 2 in the afternoon every day, walks around the house in boxers and eats us out of house and home. He's got a bunch of bum friends who are always over playing them stupid video games. We just couldn't take it anymore."

When the argument finally ended an ultimatum was issued to Fullman. His parent's gave him one month to find a job and get out of the house. Fullman actually spent two days looking for employment before deciding that he had enough.

"I'm just not cut out for hard work" stated Fullman. "Some people think that means I'm lazy, but I think it's just not where my talents lie."

But one night about 2AM Fullman caught an idea that he thought would be the answer to all of his problems.

"I was watching this television preacher late one night" said Fullman. "I can't remember what his name was, but I always like to watch him cause he starts hooting and hollering all around the stage and knocking people on the ground and stuff. Well, he started talking about in the Bible when this guy Esau sold his birthright for a bowl of soup. I got to thinking real hard about that idea and it started looking real good."

The next day when Fullman woke up he went to his parents and asked about his place in the family will. Fullman's father told him a list of the things he would receive when he and his mother died. The list included,

• The Fullman's 3 bedroom 1 1/2 bath trailer.
• One 12-gauge shotgun
• The family dog "Booger"
• Uncle Frank's ashes
• An Arkansas State spit cup

After confirming the list with his father Fullman proceeded to go online and list his "birthright" on Ebay, hoping to make enough money to move out and get his own place.

"I started the listing at $.99 with no reserve price" said Fullman. "I listed the items and posted some pictures for people to see, and set the auction for 7 days."

Fullman anxiously waited and watched to see if anyone would bid on the items, but after seven days, when the auction ended he managed to only get $49.95.

"I don't know what I'm going to do now" said Fullman. "Now I ain't got nothing. What am I gonna do with fifty dollars? That'll buy me two nights at a Motel 6, but what about after that?"

According to Fullman's parents they have honored the agreement of the Ebay sale and have replaced their son's name in the will with that of the winning bidder. They admit to feeling sorry for their son not receiving more, but they still plan to hold to their original agreement.

"He's got two weeks left before he's out" said Bobby John Fullman. "It's ashame this happened, but he's got to learn to be a man now."

"I'm not giving up yet" said Fullman. "I've been watching that preacher to see if I can get anymore ideas. There might still be another way."

Heckler at Benny Hinn Miracle Service: "Don't Slay Me Bro!"

Hampton, Virginia - At a recent Benny Hinn Crusade meeting in Hampton things did not go as smoothly as many would have hoped. Hinn's "Miracle Service" met at the Hampton Coliseum before a packed house, and while almost the entire audience was overjoyed by the opportunity to witness Hinn in action, one man came with a different agenda. Bailey Truden, a college student at Virginia Tech, showed up at the service with one thing in mind; to mock Hinn and disrupt his "Miracle Service."

Truden entered the service pretending to act like all of the other participants, with a smile on his face and a song in his heart. He filled out the visitors card given to him by the ushers as he entered and took his seat next to the excited worship participants. As the service began, he stood up clapped his hands with the rest of the people, and even managed to force out a few tears at emotionally appropriate moments. The music time went on for close to two hours, but Truden patiently waited for his moment. It was when things began to settled down and Hinn took the stage to "preach" that Truden seized upon the opportunity to strike.

"As brother Hinn stood up to speak, everyone one was quiet and focused, waiting expectantly for what was about to happen" said Ellen Pitts, who witnessed Sunday's events. "This loud voice broke the silence, and this man was screaming out something that I couldn't understand."

A tape of the program shows Hinn for a moment becoming confused, and then becoming angry. A transcript of the incident is as follows,

Hinn: "Hallelujah, what a wonderful moment of peace (sings the word peace several times), can't you feel..."
Truden: (Screaming somthing)
Hinn: "I'm sorry, sir, you're going to have to be quiet."
Truden: "You're a fake. You're a joke."
Hinn: "Get him out of here! He's a servant of Satan!"

The tape then shows the confrontation continuing for about a minute before Hinn finally screams "enough!"

Hinn himself jumped off of the stage and ran towards Truden. Truden tried to run but members of the security force grabbed him. Truden resisted violently, flailing his arms and legs and screaming at the security officers. But it was when Hinn arrived that things became even more chaotic. Hinn approached the restrained Truden with the microphone in his left hand and his right hand extended towards him, ready to lay hands on him. When Truden saw him coming he began to shout "Don't slay me bro! Don't slay me!" It was at that moment that Hinn reached down and touched Truden, immediately causing him to fall to the floor and shake violently. Everyone cheered and Hinn shouted "Hallelujah" and began singing the hymn "How Great Thou Art."

Truden remained unconscious for the remainder of the service and was escorted off the property only after all of the other worshipers had left. He was sternly warned not to come back again, or else Hinn would have to "slay him" again.

TBNN attempted to contact Hinn's office for comment, but calls were not returned. It was discovered that the University of Florida Security Office has contacted Hinn about helping out with security during an upcoming speak by Senator Jonathan Edwards.

New Study Reveals Good Looks = Bad Theology

St. Petersburg, Russia - A recent study conducted by the TBNN research group revealed a possible connection between looks and theology. The survey was conducted over the course of three months during which time 2,000 people were shown pictures of various religious and theological figures and were asked to rate the individuals' beauty on a scale of one to ten. In the end 80% of those who held to poor theological perspectives were considered to be on the "attractive" or "good looking" side while 76% of those who held to sound evangelical theology were considered "unattractive" or "not pleasing to the eye."

A total list of 100 theological/religious figures was used with 50 being from the "bad theology" camp and 50 from the "good theology" camp. S ome of the more popular figures in question from the "bad theology" camp included Joel Osteen, Creflo Dollar, and Rod Parsley.

"Our research brought some very interesting results" said Brother Slawson who assisted in the research. "At the top of the list were Osteen and Parsley, with Osteen taking a slight advantage over Parsley. I think it was the teeth that won it for Osteen though. So many people would tell us, 'Oh, what a lovely smile!' For many people Parsley seems to have more of a Hollywood appeal, almost a suave 'tough guy' appearance. Amongst the older crowds, Robert Schuller and Bishop Spong won hearts."

In the end the top five rated persons for the "Bad Theology" group were as follows;

Joel Osteen - 9.87
Rod Parsley - 9.25
Creflo Dollar - 8.90
Gene Robinson - 8.25
Benny Hinn - 8.20

Under the category of "Good Theology" though, things looked significantly different.

"We were shocked when we began to show people photos and pictures of good theologians" stated Slawson. "Very few rated over five."

A sampling of the ratings from the "Good Theology" category clearly showed that with improved theology often comes less attractive looks.

George Whitfield - 4.97
C.H. Spurgeon - 4.23
Martin Luther - 4.15
John Owen - 3.99
Jonathan Edwards - 3.98

"When it was all said and done the evidence was pretty overwhelming" said Slawson. "The better one's looks the worse his or her theology will be, and the less attractive one is the better his or her theology will be. We are now trying to figure out a possible reason for this. One theory is that perhaps those with good theology are so occupied with studying God's Word that they don't have time to visit hair salons and beauty parlors and such."

There were exceptions on both sides. Under the "Bad Theology" category, Charles Finney scored only a 0.76, while under the "Good Theology" category J. Ligon Duncan III managed to score a 9.11.

"Of course there are exceptions, that's always the case" stated Slawson. "But the paradigm seems pretty consistent. If you're visiting churches out there, or are perhaps unhappy with your current church situation I'd take a look at your pastor. If he's a handsome guy, I'd be careful."

Try New "Up Yonder" Rolls Today!

Nothing completes a holiday meal with family and friends like fresh hot yeast rolls. For over 50 years now Up Yonder rolls have been a part of family holiday traditions everywhere. Only the finest ingredients go into our pre-made frozen yeast rolls. All you have to do is pop them in the oven and in just 20 minutes you'll enjoy that warm fresh homemade flavor like grandma used to make, but in just a fraction of the time.

And now, just in time for the holiday season, try our new flavors of Up Yonder rolls. There's Festive Pumkin, Apple Cinnamon Spice and Honey Butter.

Warm your family's appetite while you warm your hearts around the dinner table. Try Up Yonder rolls today and your family will be sure to say, "When the roll is called 'Up Yonder' I'll be there!"