31 August, 2007

Wanted: Senior Pastor

The First Presbyterian Church of Warrington, South Carolina is again seeking a senior pastor. We are a congregation of about 100 active members established in 1875. Duties include all preaching and teaching responsibilities for Sunday morning and Sunday nights with exegetical sermons an average length of 45 minutes. Pastor will also be responsible for all teachings on Wednesday nights and the adult Sunday School class. In addition we are currently without a youth pastor, so the pastor will also be temporarily responsible for all youth activities, Bible studies and fellowships. Pastor is also responsible for all hospital/shut-in/sick visitation of members, former members, close friends of either as well as any family of the stated by a relationship of 4th cousin twice removed or better.

The pastor will be expected to plan an lead an annual missions trip and coordinate all fund raising activities for the trip.

We believe it is the call of a pastor to be in touch with his people. The pastor should be available 24/7 to talk with any member of the congregation or the above stated persons either face to face or on the phone. Furthermore, the pastor will be held personally directly responsible for the spiritual well-being of every member of the congregation.

We also believe it is important for the pastor to make himself known throughout the community at large as a means of outreach for our church. The pastor will be expected to attend all special sporting events of the youth of the church including all homecoming events, chaperoning the high school dance, prom night, playoffs, and any cheer leading competitions and or functions. Furthermore we highly encourage and anticipate ministry to persons in the community at large above and beyond ministry within the church so far as it does not interfere with the immediate responsibilities to the above stated persons associated with our congregation.

The Pastor will also be present at all Session meetings, Diaconate meetings, and all committee meetings including Women in the Church.

The pastor's wife will be expected to teach children's Sunday School and head up the Christian Education committee as well as plan all Summer VBS functions, and hold a ladies' Bible study without compensation.

The pastor will also be available for all funerals and weddings of any of the above stated persons regardless of when it occurs or what personal circumstances might be going on in his life of the life of his family.

Duties are expected to take approximately 40 hours per week, with two weeks of vacation per year. A manse is provided, but needs some work. You might want to investigate purchasing your own house. Annual salary will be $35,000 if you pay for your own health policy. You must have your own cell phone and reliable vehicle. It is expected that the Pastor's wife will work also to supplement income.

Inquiries may be made to Ruling Elder Dave Wellington Sr., Ruling Elder, Dave Wellington Jr., or Ruling Elder, Dave Wellington III. Further questions may also be address to either Deacon Everett Wellington Sr. or Deacon Everett Wellington Jr.

29 August, 2007

Your Best Flight Now! Fly AIROST

Houston, Tx - Lakewood Church announced today the launch of their new airline company AIROST. Beginning October 1 the airline company, officially owned and operated by the 29,000 plus member church, will primarily begin servicing "church members "who live across the United States enabling them to fly into Houston each weekend for services . In addition Lakewood Church is also building a private airport on church property just south of the city that will serve as the base of operations.

"We're just so excited" stated Joel Osteen, the church's pastor. "We feel this is a positive development in the life of our church. Over the years our membership has reached outside of the bounds of the Houston area. We have people all over the country who would love to attend our church, but cannot because they live so far away. Now, AIROST will give them that opportunity to attend."

AIROST will begin with flights in and out of the newly built Lakewood Airport on Thursday through Monday of each week with daily flights between Houston and the select cities of New York, Atlanta, Chicago, Los Angeles, Seattle and Las Vegas. While the airline is primarily intended for "church members" a limited number of tickets will be sold to the public for each flight.

"We plan to sell about 50% of the seats to non church members" stated Osteen. "These can be purchased online through the church's website. Anyone is free to fly AIROST so long as they don't mind the the airline being owned and operated by a church."

On board the, the flights will resemble most other commercial airline services. A crew of flight attendants will serve the passengers during the flight, though no alcohol will be served. Instead of movies, videos of Osteen's preaching will be shown. And immediately after the safety presentation by the crew the passengers will recite the following statement of belief in unison,

This is my airplane: I am seated where I am supposed to be; I have what I'm supposed to have; I can do only what the flight attendants say I can do. Today, I will be flown above the clouds. I'll boldly confess. My mind is alert; my heart is calm; I will never be the same. I am about to leave the leave the ground, take to the skies, and take wing on one of the best flights I'll ever have. I'll never be the same - never, never, never! I'll never be the same, now let's fly this plane!

Current and prospective members of Lakewood may reserve flights in advance by contacting the church. Tickets go on sale to the public September 15.

24 August, 2007

Youth Pastors Everywhere Praise Halo 2 - "Bible Edition"

Bellevue, Wa - Youth ministers across the United States eagerly awaited Thursday's unveiling of Microsoft's latest game for their popular Xbox 360. The program? A modified version of the already popular video game Halo 2, only with Bible verses added. First reactions to the product were almost unanimously positive.

"I think it's a tremendous idea" said Michael Redmond, youth minister at Twin Oaks Church of God in Lexington, Kentucky. "The guys in our youth group spend two, three, sometimes five hours a day playing Halo, and probably no time reading their Bibles. Now they can play Halo and still get a fresh dose of God's Word each day."

"This is what I've been waiting for for a long time" said David Kia, youth pastor at Bayside Presbyterian Church in Seattle, Washington. "Now the kids can read their Bibles and still have fun!"

The "campaign" version of the popular video game is set in a fantasy future world in which a lone hero must conquer an alien force that is seeking to destroy the earth. But most players often prefer to play against one another in rounds known as "slayer" or capture the flag. In these instances players either play against one another on the same machine or on multiple machines via the internet or LAN connections. At times as many as twenty to thirty players can be in a match against one another. Halo 2 Bible Edition combines the regular version of the game with Bible verses that appear on the screen at various times, often complimenting the battle scene.

While parents, especially Christian parents, have often wrestled with the morality of the game, with Halo 2 Bible Edition many parents are feeling a greater sense of comfort.

"It used to bother me that he played that game so much" said Elizabeth Grimes of her 13 year-old son Danny. "He would sometimes wake up on a Saturday and play all day long without stopping. He never read his Bible either. But now I'm much more at ease. With those Bible verses always flashing up there I can be assured that he's getting a good dose of the Good Book. I ask him every day now 'Danny, have you played your Halo today?' and if I don't think he's played enough I make him go in there and sit down and play some more."

"Two Sunday nights a month we're going to do away with Sunday night Bible study altogether and just have a Halo tournament" stated Redmond. "It's definitely a much more exciting way to learn about the Bible."

Microsoft founder and CEO Bill Gates commented on the new release
Gates. "What we've simply done here is catered to a particular audience of people, specifically Christians, by incorporating these verses into the game."

Gates went on to further state that more editions of the game are in the works for other religions.

"We are working on a number of other Halo 2 versions such as the Buddhist version where no one gets killed, they simply give food to one another. The one we're most excited about is the Halo 2 Jihad Edition where you get to kill all of the infidels. We think that one's going to be a hit."

22 August, 2007

Episcopal Church Proposes Merge with Buddhism. Dali Lama "Rejects" Idea

Bullhead City, AZ - Emotions were high again on Tuesday amongst members of the Anglican Church at large. The reactions from both conservatives and liberals within the troubled fellowship were prompted by the suggestion by Katharine Jefferts Schori, the current presiding Bishop of the United Episcopal Church in America, that the church merge with Buddhism. The statement comes in the midst of controversy among Anglicans worldwide as to whether fellowship with the American branch of Anglicanism should be severed due to pervading liberal trends.

"The similarities between our two religions are striking" said Schori to a congregation during a special service in Bullhead City held in honor of her visit. "I have heard the Dali Lama preach a number of times. I read the words of Confucius, and they strike my soul. Buddhism teaches peace with all life, as does the Episcopal Church. Buddhism teaches respect for all things, as do we. Buddhism teaches love, tolerance and patience, and so do we. In all, I believe it would befit us to explore an avenue of bringing our two religions together into one."

Reactions were strong from both sides of the church.

"This is exactly where Christianity needs to be heading, to Buddhism" stated former Bishop of Newark John Shelby Spong. "In order for Christianity to survive we have to do away with it completely and become Buddhists. All of this Jesus stuff has got to stop."

"Now we understand why more and more faithful believers are seeking to break with the the UEC in America" stated Rev. Roy Lainer, the rector of Trinity Church in Birmingham, Alabama. "There's nothing remotely Christian about the denomination anymore."

While the suggestion caused division amongst an already divided denomination, reactions were heightened with the suggestion to merge was criticized by the Dali Lama himself.

TBNN was able to reach the Dali Lama for an exclusive phone interview concerning the matter. TBNN's own Brother Slawson personally conducted the interview due to his fluency in the Lama's particular Mongolian dialect.

Brother Slawson: "Mr. Lama, or do you prefer to be called Dali or Dali Lama?"
Dali Lama: "My friends call me Georgie, but Mr. Lama will be fine."

Brother Slawson: "Fine, Mr. Lama, what is your response to Bishop Schori's suggestion that the United Episcopal Church merge with Buddhism?"

Mr. Lama: "Spices are fine things. One puts salt on rice and it will not be bland. One may put curry and it will become more flavorful. But too many spices will make the rice inedible."

Brother Slawson: "Um, I see, so let me ask that another way. How do you feel about Bishop Schori's suggestion that Episcopals in America and Buddhists become one."

Mr. Lama: "The flavor of the apple is good. It's sweetness makes one smile. The flavor of the onion is good. But it's sweetness makes one cry. Man must both smile and cry over sweet things, but he cannot do so at the same time."

Brother Slawson: "Ummm...okay. Whose your pick to win the world series?"

Mr. Lama: "Cubs baby. Woo hoo!"

Brother Slawson: "Thank you Mr. Lama."

TBNN attempted to reach Schori for an interview but she was "unavailable" for questions. TBNN will continue to monitor the situation.

17 August, 2007

Pensacola Christian College Trains "Missionaries to Mega-Churches"

Note: Some of the names of people in this article have been changed to protect their identities.

Memphis, Tn - It is a typical Sunday morning for a man we will call John. He wakes up early, spends some time reading his Bible over a cup of coffee, prays, and then gets ready to go to church. Only for John, "going to church" doesn't mean the same thing as it does for everyone else who will be going there on this Sunday morning. About a year ago John joined a rather well known and a rather large Southern Baptist church in the Memphis area, but for John the decision to join had little if nothing to do with his desire to fellowship with other Christians and grow spiritually. For John joining the church had everything to do with evangelism and missions, evangelism and missions not outside of the church to the community, but inside of the church to its members.

"Years ago I felt the call" stated John. "As I entered P.C.C. years ago I met new friends, many of whom felt the call to missions. Some of my friends went on to Africa, others to South America. I began to feel a burden for all of those lost souls out there that attend these liberal, apostate Baptist churches out there, you know the ones that use guitars in worship and don't believe in the King James Bible. There's no way that most these people can be saved. They need to hear the gospel."

John is part of a larger plan of action conceived by P.C.C. over a decade ago. The plan involves training men and women to be secret missionaries to "mega churches" throughout the United States. Students are trained to learn how to become involved in the churches, how not to appear offended with the New International Version is read, how to endure contemporary music, and other liberal tendencies.

"If the student follows his or her training well, no one will even know why he or she is there at the church" stated Dr. Michael Keaton, head of the Biblical Studies department at P.C.C. "Their goal is to get involved and to, as quickly as possible, gain a teaching position so that they can spread the true gospel throughout the so-called church."

"So far it's been a tough go" stated John. "It's very difficult attending Sunday after Sunday and having to put up with all of that mess that's passing off as the 'gospel.' I'll never forget the first time that they started playing those drums during the worship service. My heart just sank. I started praying for all of those some 10,000 lost souls around me. Then the preacher opened up his Bible and started reading from the NIV. It was all I could do to keep my composure. Then one day in Sunday School the teacher used an example from some movie called Lord of the Rings. I just closed my eyes and prayed for his lost soul."

John eventually hopes to work his way into being able to teach a Sunday School class in the future.

"I've made a lot of acquaintances" he stated. "There are some nice enough people, but they're just lost as a goose. But I've volunteered with a lot of church activities like soup kitchens, fixing up people's houses and stuff like that. I've also volunteered to teach some children's Sunday School, and have been put on an alternates list."

As it turns out John is not the only "missionary" that is working in the church.

"There are 60 of us here at this one particular church" he stated. "We all know each other behind the scenes, but we play it down in church. Each of us has the same goal, to truly bring this gospel to this church and see it become a shining example of Independent Fundamentalism for the future."

15 August, 2007

Wilkinson Writes New Book on "Obscure" Verse

Atlanta, Ga - Millions of Christians across America are eagerly awaiting the next expected best-seller by Christian Author Bruce Wilkinson. Wilkinson, most well known for his Prayer of Jabez that hit the Christian book world by storm, has undertaken to write yet another "small" book that seeks to draw meaning and purpose out of what many consider to be an "obscure" portion of Scripture.

"I was meditating by my window one morning" stated Wilkinson during and interview, "and I was looking out of my kitchen window at two birds playing in a birdbath. I looked down at my Bible and this verse just jumped out at me, 1 Chronicles 26:18. In the King James it reads, 'At Parbar westward, four at the causeway, and two at Parbar.' I stopped and just closed my eyes for a moment. I felt like I was being told something here, something profound. I was having an epiphany of sorts. It was as if someone said to me 'Bruce, think on this verse.' And so I did, and I've put those thoughts on paper."

After Wilkinson's "epiphany" he immediately began to devote his time to discovering the "secrets of this obscure verse."

"I've come to the conclusion that this verse has a deep meaning" stated Wilkinson. "But it's not really the meaning of the verse that is important I've discovered. Believe me I searched high and low to try to find out what a 'parbar' is, and I still have no clue. What is important, though, is the process of uncovering the meaning of the verse. That's why it's in the Bible. It's an exercise for our minds to try and figure it out. So it teaches us that when we go through Scripture and pick out random and difficult verses and try to figure out what they mean, it shows God how much we really care and how truly scholarly we are in striving to understand his Word. When God sees how devoted we are then he's pleased with us."

At Parbar Westward has been written by Wilkinson to teach Christians how to go through the Bible and find the most difficult verses, then how to expound upon them, thus proving to God one's devotion and wisdom.

At Parbar Westward is set to go on sale this weekend.

10 August, 2007

Man Forms Orginaization for Tonally and Rhythmically Challenged Charismatics

Aregood, Il - They don't have rhythm. They don't have music. Could they ask for anything more? "Absolutely" says Mark Heistberger, speaking on behalf of the National Association of Rhythmically and Tonally Challenged Charismatics (NARTCC), a newly formed organization to help charismatics who struggle to sing on pitch or keep a steady beat during a song. Heistberger grew up in the Assemblies of God denomination, one of the nation's largest charismatic groups. But Heistberger always knew that he was a little "different" from the rest of his family and his church.

"I just never seemed to fit in" stated Heistberger. "I even remember when I was three years old being in the children's Christmas musical. The director told me 'Marky, just mouth the words, don't sing, you're throwing everyone off.' All throughout my time growing up at the church I could just never get it right. My pitch was always off, my claps were always off, my swaying was always off. I suffered through a lot of strange looks and dirty glares from people."

Over the years Heistberger discovered that he was not alone in his plight. As he discovered a number of good people in his own denomination struggled also with rhythm and tonality.

"I started looking for help, and soon found others like myself who were just deficient at singing and keeping time" he said. "In charismatic denominations like ours worship is very demonstrative, often with a lot of singing, swaying, dancing and hand clapping. Well, those of us who are challenged in these areas are often discriminated against because we sing off pitch and clap at the wrong times, or because we are swaying right to left while everyone else is swaying left to right. Or because we try to dance and look ridiculous, we're made fun of. Well, it's time for the dirty looks and funny stares to end. What we lack in ability we make up for in heart."

Heistberger formed NARTCC earlier this year with a two-fold purpose; to provide support for tonally and rhythmically challenged charismatics and to raise the awareness of the problem amongst charismatic churches.

"Our focus is primarily on charismatic churches" he stated. "In other denominations, like Presbyterians and Baptists it's no big deal if people can't sing on pitch or dance. But amongst charismatics I've know men and women who have been turned down from the ministry because they couldn't sing."

NARTCC is already planning to hold its first national conference next summer in Chicago. Each day of the conference will begin with a three-hour-long worship service.

"We want the rhythmically and tonally challenged to experience free and uninhibited worship for the first time in their lives perhaps" said Heistberger. "We're expecting in excess of 3000 people. What a glorious sound and site it will be to me when 3000 tone deaf people join together with one voice and swing out of time to the music."

08 August, 2007

The Word on the Street

Who do you think would win in a fight between Joel Osteen and Rick Warren?

"It would be no contest. Joel Osteen has got the prettiest teeth I ever done seen. All he would gotta do is flash them pearly whites one time in Rick's direction and that sucker would be blinded on the ground. I been thinking about getting me some dental work myself. Joel is my inspiration." - Gunner Bohannan, Deatsville, Arkansas

"My money's on Warren. He is one big dude, and Osteen is just a little ole whinny pip-squeak. I tell you who could take both of them fellers is ole Robert Schuller. He looks all peaceful and calm and all that but he got some kind of mafia ties or something going on. I could see him like, snapping and laying down some whoopstank on them boys if they give him any flack." - Percy Gullion, Amarillo, Texas

"I think question should be 'Who do you think would win in a fight between Joel Osteen and Rick Warren?' Now there's an important question that needs to be answered. I've often wondered about that question, but that's not what you're asking. Wait, that was the question right? Oh, um, hang on a second. I'm not sure I know who these two guys are that you're talking about. Nevermind." - Nate McKennan, Seattle, Washington

06 August, 2007

Church Adds "Lord's Breakfast" to Ordinances

Hoover, Al - The members of Greasy Road Baptist Church in Hoover are looking forward to this upcoming Sunday in a particular way. This Sunday will be the first of its kind for the church as they celebrate a "new ordinance" together. The small congregation of about 50 members frequently looks for opportunities to "fellowship around the table," often having bi-weekly church fellowship suppers, dinners on the grounds, and potluck lunches at each others houses. So when pastor Danny Pudens recently suggested adding another time of fellowship it was heartily received by the congregation.

"Each month we celebrate the Lord's Supper" said Pudens. "But as I was reading in the Bible I started to get convicted about something. If there was a Lord's Supper there must have been a Lord's Breakfast on that same day. And that's something we've missed completely. If we are truly going to obey the Bible we need to have a Lord's Breakfast also."

Pudens brought the idea before the congregation during the monthly business meeting in July, and the motion passed unanimously. Now the congregation will begin observing "The Lord's Breakfast" each month beginning with August.

"It's going to be a fine time" said Pudens. "The ladies are going to cook up some biscuits and gravy, some grits, bacon, eggs, sausage, pork cracklins, hash browns, and some fresh hot coffee. We also hope to have us some apple tarts, banana nut bread, some ham and some omelets. Of course we're just trying to obey the word here. It's not about the food, but it's about obeying the Bible."

The promise of the new ordinance has also brought a number of new "conversions." Because only baptized members of the church may partake in the ordinances, a number of church attendees were concerned that they would be left out of the meal.

"We had ten young people walk the aisle last Sunday and say they wanted to be baptized" said Pudens. "We are going to do the baptisms this Sunday before the ordinance so that they can participate. We wouldn't want them to miss such an historic event in the life of our church."

Pudens went on to further state more "convictions from Scripture" that the church is considering.

"We are striving to be more and more Biblical here" stated Pudens. "We're examining the Scriptures and we might even have a Lord's Lunch. We've also thought about having a fish fry to commemorate when Jesus fed the masses. Obeying the word is just so satisfying."

03 August, 2007

Robertson Predicts Seven Year "TV and Internet Famine"

Pat Robertson, founder of the 700 Club and the "Moral Majority" has made a number of "prophesies" in the past concerning future events. The religious leader and political activist has been both praised and criticized over the years for his predictions, many of which have failed to come true. But on Thursday Robertson made one of his most "unusual" prophetic statements about the coming decade. He began by relating a dream he had had earlier this week.

"I had a dream last night" said Robertson during a press interview. "I saw seven high-tech computer systems all running Windows Vista, and I saw seven old 386SX machines running DOS. The old DOS machines devoured the newer machines. I woke up and pondered this dream. I then went back to sleep. Again I dreamed and saw seven brand new HDTV systems and seven old analog black and white televisions. The old TVs devoured the HDTV systems."

Many have already noted the similarities between Robertson's dream and that of Pharaoh's in Exodus. Robertson believes that this is no coincidence.

"This dream can only mean one thing" he stated. "For seven years we are going to have an abundance of developments in the areas of high-definition television and the internet. These seven years of abundance will be followed by an internet and television famine, in which no TV or internet will be found in the land."

Despite Robertson's confidence in the divine nature of his revelation his "prophecy" has been mocked by many. But some are concerned and are taking special measures to prepare.

"I'm stocking up" said Edward Long, a used car salesman from Baltimore, Maryland. "I've got a brand new TV down in my basement that I'm not touching until the famine comes. I've been recording my favorite shows on DVD and buying up all of the movies I can. I'm also going to get onto this satellite internet thing. Maybe it won't be affected."

Robertson has made repeated attempts to contact President Bush concerning the matter, but he has yet to be received.

"I've tried to call George W." said Robertson, "but so far I've heard nothing from him. This country has got to take action now and store up for the times of trouble to come. Perhaps he could even get some special measures passed to make me second in command of the country or something and let me coordinate the effort."

01 August, 2007

Television Preacher Sued for "Slandering in Tongues"

Pensacola, Fl - For almost ten years Charles Winters has been a familiar face on Public Access Cable in Pensacola. The "fire and brimstone" Pentecostal Holiness preacher, affectionately known as "Brother Charlie" is known for his impassioned church services that air on Friday nights at 7PM. His services, filled with "miraculous healings," people being "slain in the Spirit" and an abundance of speaking in tongues, generally runs in excess of two hours.

But as of late Brother Charlie has found himself the target of a lawsuit that threatens to ruin his ministry if he is found liable. The trouble started when a local Pensacola man, Terry Farnsworth, accused Winters of slandering him in one of his sermons while speaking in tongues. Farnsworth is now suing Winters for $1.4 million dollars. Farnsworth, who lives in a small two-room trailer with his mother, girlfriend, half-sister, his three children, seven dogs and a rabbit, commented on the situation.

"I was sitting here last Friday with my mamma and my daughter Bo Raylene, and we was watching Brother Charlie" said Farnsworth. "We really like to watch him because he just will gets so excited and start all that tongue speaking. Well, about halfway through the show he starts that business. I believe that some people speaks in tongues and some is supposed to understand what they saying, that's my gift. All of a sudden he says something and I know what he's saying. I hear him say 'Terry Farnsworth is no good trash. He don't do nothing but drink beer, and he ain't got no job. Terry Farnsworth is a lying thief.'

Upon hearing the alleged "slander" Farnsworth stated that he told his mother what he had just heard.

"I told my mamma what I just done heard and she said that I needed to sue this man" said Farnsworth. "I talked to my neighbor who's got a brother who's a lawyer in prison and he said I could sue this man for slander."

A court date for Farnsworth's case against Winters has not been set yet. Farnsworth further stated he hopes to settle out of court with Winters. But Winters is determined not to budge.

"I said nothing, nothing of the kind against Mr. Farnsworth" stated Winters. "I've never met the man, nor do I have any idea about who he is. When I speak in tongues I say that which only the angels can understand. That's what tongue speaking is all about, saying something that's only between you and God. It's not supposed to be understood by people. Just the angels."

"If we go to court I'm suing for $1.4 million" said Farnsworth. "But if he don't want to go to court I'll just take $50,000 in cash. I feel bad suing a preacher and all that, but he don't need to be saying stuff like that on television.