Anglican Church Plans to Apologizes to Achan, the son of Carmi, the son of Zabdi, the son of Zerah, from the tribe of Judah

Canterbury, England - The Archbishop of Canterbury, Rowen Williams officially announced today that the Anglican Church would be issuing a posthumous apology on behalf of "all Christians everywhere" to the Biblical character of Achan, the son of Carmi, the son of Zabdi, the son of Zerah, from the tribe of Judah. As the story goes from Joshua chapter 7, Achan, the son of Carmi, the son of Zabdi, the son of Zerah, from the tribe of Judah sinned when Israel entered and conquered Jericho by taking some of the "accursed things" that God had "devoted to destruction." When Achan, the son of Carmi, the son of Zabdi, the son of Zerah, from the tribe of Judah was discovered he, his entire family and all his possessions were stoned and burned.

"We really feel like he got too hard of a punishment," commented Williams. "Who among us hasn't been tempted to steal at one point and time or another. Sure, he deserved to be punished in some way for what he did, but I don't think stoning him and his family was the right thing to do; it was rather extreme in my opinion. Joshua and Israel could have used a bit more discretion."

TBNN was able to obtain a portion of the statement which reads,

"Achan, the son of Carmi, the son of Zabdi, the son of Zerah, from the tribe of Judah: Several thousand years after your death, the Church of England on behalf of all Christians everywhere owes you an apology for misunderstanding you and, by getting our first reaction wrong, encouraging others to misunderstand you still, and for stoning and burning you and your whole family. We try to practise the old virtues of 'faith seeking understanding' and hope that makes some amends for depicting you as a sinner all of these years. We know that the God of the New Testament would not have done such a thing to you."

The full statement is set to be released this Friday.

Girl with No Birth Record Deemed "Not Really Alive"

Martal, Brazil - Young and playful, little Maria (that's the only name she has) likes to spend her afternoons with her friends catching bugs or just playing hide-and-seek in her small Brazilian village. For her, life is slow, simple and hard. Orphaned almost 6 years ago, she is one of the many poor children of Brazil who live from day to day not knowing where they came from or what the future may hold for them.

At "seven something" little Maria also faces another predicament, one which could ultimately make her an outcast among her own small group of friends. It all started about a year ago when missionaries arrived in her small village of Martal to setup work among the poor and orphans. Life began to instantly improve for many in the village as a new orphanage was built and a clinic was setup to provide basic medical care for people. Maria was instantly taken into the orphanage.

"I liked my new home very much when they brought me to the orphanage," she said. "It was clean and I began to make new friends with other girls like me who had no mother or father."

All seemed to be going well for little Maria until just a few weeks ago when the orphanage began filing records on all of the children. When it came time to process Maria's birth record, none could be found anywhere.

"This presents us with a genuine predicament," said Roger Forth, the missionary who runs the orphanage. "It's very hard for me to believe that she doesn't know when she was born. I think it's obvious that if one is really alive he or she will be able to know the exact moment in which it happened. If little Maria can't produce this information then we have no credible reason to believe she's really alive to begin with."

While some have objected to the stringent requirements, others working with the mission are in firm agreement with Forth's position.

"I think Roger is exactly right on this one. How can you really be alive unless you can go back and remember a time when you weren't alive?" said fellow missionary Parker Gillis. "I can tell you the exact moment I was born. I have my birth certificate at home and it has my birthday clearly written on it, right down to the minute. If ever I doubt that I'm alive I just look at that birth certificate and I'm assured that I really exist."

Until little Maria is able to produce a credible testimony of her exact moment of birth, she has been deemed "not really alive" by the orphanage and thus ineligible to remain there. She is currently residing with an elderly lady in the village until she can find other arrangements.

"I know it must seem cruel," commented Forth. "We're not trying to be mean or anything, but we must reserve our space for those who are truly alive, specifically those who can go back to a time and place and tell us specifically when their birth experience happened. I seriously doubt that anyone without that knowledge is truly a person."

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Thomas Kincade Bible Set for Release

Serious Preface: Before today's silliness I would echo my brother's request from yesterday. Please be in prayer for those in the path of Hurricane Gustav. I am particularly concerned as a good 75% of my immediate family live in Baton Rouge, Louisiana (including Brother Slawson!) So as most of you are waking up and reading this Monday morning, they are going to be hunkered down. Thanks. Now you can laugh...

Word Publishing is gearing up for its latest release the Thomas Kincade Bible of Light. The Bible features over 400 inspiring paintings by the popular artist intermingled with the NIV version of the Bible.

"This is an exciting new release," said Michael Patterson, chief editor for the project. "We think that this Bible will really inspire people as they read God's Word each day, or each week, or month. It also makes a great conversation piece, so one might could say it is perfect as a tool for sharing the gospel."

The Bible is set to go on sale this Friday at major Christian retailers around the country, and will be available in genuine leather, calfskin or gold leaf. The Bible also comes with a deluxe display case. Prices range from $189.99 for the genuine leather edition to $679.99 for the deluxe gold leaf, Young Pastor's Study Edition with built-in security alarm for the display case.