Doctor "Don't Need No Education!"

Hoover, Alabama - He's never been to med school. In fact the man who calls himself "Dr. Eddie Miller" has never even been to college. He graduated from high school in 1987 with a 2.3 GPA and immediately began pursuing his "calling" to the medical profession.

"I felt the call to become a doctor since I was a boy," said Miller. "I was about 7 and caught me a frog and cut him open with my pocket knife. I knew right then and there that I wanted to be a doctor when I growed up."

Miller went on to recount how he spent his days after that watching TV shows about "doctor stuff." He also took every chance he could to catch small live animals and dissect them, so that he could further pursue his "calling." Finally, at the tender age of only 13 he performed his first surgery.

"They found out my uncle Billy had a tumor in his neck. He was going to go to one of them big fancy hospitals where the doctors think they all smart and stuff, but I told him I would do the surgery for free. We knocked him out with a ball-pin hammer and I used my trusty exacto knife. Uncle Billy didn't quite make it that day, but he was too far gone anyway."

Now at the age of 41, Miller operates a small clinic in Hoover where he says he's qualified to perform any medical procedure even though he's never been to med school.

"I don't need no medical board or a bunch of other smarty pants doctors telling me what to do and think. I read my medical journals every day. I've even memorized entire chapters. I can do any surgery or procedure. Brain surgery, spinal surgery, amputations, you name it. I don't need no education. This is a calling."

TBNN tried to reach some of Dr. Miller's patients both current and past for comment, but none could be located.

Independent KJV-Only Fundamentalists Baptists Pass Website Reform

Tempe, AZ - In an unprecedented move, a national gathering of Independent KJV-Only Fundamentalist Baptists met in Tempe, Arizona to discuss the issue of website reform. While for the past 15 years churches and leaders within the IKJVOFB movement have resisted change, the fast growth of the web and new browsers now available have led the group to decided that something had to be done. Among those decisions passed were,

• Churches would upgrade their computer systems to at least Windows 98.
• Animated GIFs should be limited to no more than 50% of a page's image content.
• Underlined, bold and italicized text at the same time on a website should be discontinued. Churches or independent "evangelists" may continue to use any combination of the two, but not all three at the same time.
• All-caps may be used but only in reference to the KVJ-only position, "liberals," Calvinism, or when referencing James White. When referencing "common" points of doctrine (i.e. the Trinity, virgin birth, resurrection, etc.") all-caps may no longer be used.
• Sites must contain no more than two frames.
• Font sizes should be no larger than 78, with the exception of referring to the KJV-only position, "liberals," Calvinism, or when referencing James White.
• Spelling on websites must be at least 85% correct.
• Sites should take no longer than 4 minutes to load.
• Pictures should be kept to under 4 MB in size.
• Background music on sites should be completely eliminated.
• Sites should be updated at least every 3 years.
• Color schemes should be used that allow the text of the site to be at least barely readable.
• Plans should be made to discontinue writing sites in basic HTML on a plain-text editors by the year 2019.

"We feel these measures will bring our churches up to at least a 1999 level," said pastor Steven Sanderson of Faithful Word of the Bible Church in Tempe. "We want to see more of our IKJVOFB people better utilize 20th-century methods of communication.

New Album: Weepy Whiney Songs for Today's Typical Christian Male

From the best of Christian Radio comes an album just for you males in the church out there. It's the best weepy, whiney overly emotional spineless songs to encourage you as you battle through your hard and tedious life day after day. Titles include,

-My Parents are Making me Move Out
-Why Do I Need a Job?
-Responsibility is Not My Spiritual Gift
-My X Box Broke, Help me Through This Storm
-Help Me Through This Trial of the Cable Being Out
-Why Do Girls Want a Man With a Job?
-I Spilled My No-Fat Mocha Latte on My Lemon Yellow Vest
-Mark Driscoll Yelled at Me and Now I Want to Cry

...and many more great titles to lift you up when darkness clouds your spineless, aimless existence.

Brother Cites Matthew 18 - Intends to Never Forgive Sister Again

If there's one thing that Jared and Charity Ellison do well, it's fight. Rarely is there a peaceful moment in the Ellison household when these two are home together.

"We have to stay on them constantly," said Father Mark. "We just don't know what to do sometimes. I mean, overall they're good kids, they just kick and claw and scream and yell and hit each other repeatedly. I'll scold them and say 'Now, you two shouldn't do that.' or make them do timeout or something, but they just keep on fighting."

But things recently got worse and for a reason the Ellisons weren't expecting. It all started when Mark and his wife Glenda decided it was time to start taking the kids to church. The first Sunday they had attended in a long time, the kid's Sunday School lesson was on the subject of forgiveness from Matthew 18:21,22;

"Then Peter came and said to Him, "Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me and I forgive him? Up to seven times?" Jesus said to him, "I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven."

"When we heard what the Sunday School lesson was about we got all excited," said mother Glenda. "We thought that perhaps this would encourage the kids to start loving and forgiving each other more."

But the Ellisons were wrong. Upon hearing the lessons, younger brother Jared decided to take the verse literally, specifically where Peter asks about forgiving one's "brother." Now he never intends to forgive his sister ever again.

"Ha! It doesn't say anything in the Bible about forgiving your sister!" screamed an excited Jared. "I'm so glad we went to church. It was awesome. She has to forgive me because I'm her brother, but I don't have to forgive her for anything, because she's a girl!"

While a little dismayed, Charity may have found her own loophole in the command.

"Okay, so if I have to forgive my brother, I have to forgive him, but I only have to do it 'seventy times seven' just like the Bible says. I figured out how much that is. I've got straight A's in math you know. And seventy times seven is 490. You can bet your boogers I'm keeping track of how many times I've forgiven that little brat, and he's not going to get one extra forgiveness from me. Not one!"

According to Charity by the end of the day Monday following the Sunday School lesson, Jared had already used up 264 of his "forgivenesses."

A New Perspective on Paul

I'd like to take a moment today and contribute my own ideas to the discussion concerning the Pauline New Perspective.

Here's one perspective on Paul.



And here's a new perspective on Paul.



Well, that just about covers it. Thanks for reading.