28 November, 2007

Pat Robertson Endorses Satan's Candidacy for Republican Nomination

New York, New York - In a recent development that is shocking millions of Americans, presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani announced on Tuesday evening that he was abandoning his bid for President.

"I'm dropping out of this race for personal reasons I do not wish to discuss" said Giuliani to a crowd of stunned supporters at a fund raising dinner Tuesday night in New York. "I wish I could say more now, and perhaps in the near future I will be able to explain my reasons, but I simply cannot go into further detail at this time."

After the speech Giuliani left the stage, and left many of his supporters struggling to find answers. One supporter in particular was left with a particular dilemma. The Reverend Pat Robertson had only several weeks ago, amid much controversy, voiced his support for Giuliani's campaign. But before the night was out a new runner in the presidential race emerged that quickly won the support of Robertson. The candidate? None other than the Devil himself.

The crowd remained at the fund raiser and continued with the evening's dinner, but before the night was out The Prince of the Power of the Air appeared on stage to announce his candidacy for President.

"I'm sad that we lost Rudy" said The Father of Lies, appearing as an angel of light. "But I feel this nation is at a critical point in history. Our boarders are not secure, and terrorism affects us from every side. I ought to know, because hey, I'm working in the hearts of the terrorists! So it is with great joy that I announce my bid for the office of the President of the United States."

After the speech some cheered, some fled screaming from the building, and some passed out, but all were surprised when Robertson, who had showed up at the event to support Guiliani, took the stand to voice his support for The Old Serpent.

"We have been on an emotional roller coaster this evening" said Robertson. "We all watched and listened with shock as Rudy dropped out of the campaign, but here at the end of the evening a glimmer of hope has appeared. I know that many might question my support of Beelzebub for president on the Republican ticket, but as he said we are indeed at a critical point in our nation's history. Issues such as terrorism and securing our boarders are more pressing right now than anything, and who better to take care of the problem than the guy who's causing it all? So this year, my vote goes for Lucifer. After all, he's the best chance the Republicans have for a victory."

Many applauded after Robertson's speech, but a number of Republicans are now expressing concerns over The Evil One's run for President.

"I'm not sure this is such a good idea" said former Guiliani supporter Robert Lendle. "I just don't think I can support such a candidate."

But other's were heartily ready to support The Deceiver.

"Look he's running on the Republican ticket, and he's the best chance we have for a winner" said supporter Ingrid Philman. "Yes, I'm a Christian, but the most important thing is for the Republicans to win, no matter who's running in the top spot. Yes, I suppose I could vote for one of the more conservative candidates who actually believed and supported agendas more in line with Christian beliefs, but I would only be throwing away my vote."

Satan plans to hit the campaign trail this week with stops scheduled in Iowa and Florida.


Corey Reynolds said...

Somehow I always knew that Satan was a Republican...

Anonymous said...

Satan is also running on the Democratic ticket. But I won't say which one she is.

Anonymous said...

"the most important thing is for the Republicans to win, no matter who's running" - An all-too-common perspective among believers. Somehow we feel obligated to pledge our allegiance to the lesser of two evils.

Jim Pemberton said...

Satan is a citizen of the US?!?! Well, I suppose it doesn't matter anymore whether or not anyone is.

...Also, I just thought - would it take Satan to win the liberal vote for the Republicans? Uh...

Will said...

There is no problem at all with our boarders. Those are just roomers.

John Wilkes was soliciting someone's vote, to be told "I would sooner vote for the Devil!" "Yes," he replied, "but what if your friend does not stand?"

Anonymous said...

This will be the first time the Republicans have the better liar. As for Satan's citizenship, he may not have been born in the U.S., but he definately has been given life here.

Anonymous said...

I thought the two-term limit would keep the father of lies from running again!

Anonymous said...

No self-respecting devil would have anything to do with Pat Robertson!

John Lofton, Editor

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