14 January, 2008

Frustrated Monsters Everywhere Join the "Emerging Lurch" Movement

They might be "creepy" and "kooky, mysterious and spooky," but lately they've been frustrated and discouraged. Recently a growing number of monsters all around the world have become increasingly dissatisfied with traditional monsterdom and have begun to look elsewhere to discover more about themselves and who they are.

The trend began about five years ago when Lurch, best known for his portrayal of the character "Lurch" on the Addams Family TV show, emerged stating that he was "tired" of playing the traditional roll of a monster in today's postmodern and changing world.

"Traditional monsterdom has got to change" said Lurch. "We're tired of being told what a monster should be like. Maybe I don't want to walk around all stiff-necked, grunting all the time. Maybe I'm tired of scaring little kids to death, or creeping out the neighbors. I know that those have been the traditional views of what a monster should be, but I don't think it can be that black and white anymore. It's time to start challenging these views. Conversation needs to start in these areas."

When Lurch made his feelings public he had no idea the stir that they would cause. Soon, several hundred monsters came out in support of Lurch's movement, then several thousand. Now tens of thousands of monsters have joined what has become known as "The Emerging Lurch Movement."

"We meet wherever and whenever we can now" said Lockhart Schmidt, a zombie from Tennessee. "It used to be that we'd always have to meet out in the woods somewhere in the middle of the night with a full moon and fog and all that jazz. Now a group of us will get together on a Friday night at Starbucks or a local pub and have a beer or two...or five while we talk about what it means to be a follower of monsterdom."

"The whole point of this is that each of us must figure out for his or her or its self what it means to be a monster" said Lurch. "We don't try to give all of the answers. Each one must find his or her or its own path, and come to his or her or its own conclusions. Is that messy thinking? Absolutely, but we cherish the messiness. Doing monstrology is messy business. I don't think we can simply systematize a whole philosophy like some try to do."

As the movement spreads, groups plan to hold various activities to attract more participants from the monster world.

"We're trying to reach out to those who have been possibly hurt by traditional monster groups" said Lurch. "We want to help them break free of the mold. We want to setup meditation seminars, and possibly build some labyrinths for people to walk, or even bring in some Gurus to do Yoga or something. We are encouraging monsters everywhere to explore their own paths as followers of monsterdom."


Kevin Sorensen said...

I am so-o-o glad i did not have coffee in my mouth when I read the phrase "Emerging Lurch Movement" – it would have been sprayed all over my screen and keyboard. This has to be one of your best posts to date. I've marked it, will post on it to direct more people here and send it out to many of my pastor friends. Oh, how I thank God for the gift of laughter (not holy laughter, just laughter). Blessings upon your head!

Kevin, over at www.aclutteredmind.org

Richard said...

You know, I would say this post is funny, but I don't make absolute statements.


You guys have got to publish yearly editions of this stuff. It's great.

Anonymous said...

Hopefully they will rediscover their Historic Monstrianity before this new mentality Festers.

Tom said...

I saw a werewolf with a copy of The Secret Message of Jesus in his hand
Walking around and wondering what gives
He was looking for the place called The Emergent Village
Gonna get rid of his inherited metanarratives
Ahh ooh … Werewolves Emergent

Anonymous said...

"Maybe I don't want to walk around all stiff-necked, grunting all the time. Maybe I'm tired of scaring little kids to death, or creeping out the neighbors." In all fairness to the emerging church, I think that this quote probably (however unintentionally)accurately captures much of what they feel they are "emerging" from.

Shep Shepherd said...

Best post yet.

Anonymous said...

If ever there was news, this is Itt.

Richard said...

I know this is off topic, but I have a confession to make.

From “Parents Seek Therapy for Brainwashed Child” (11 April 2007)

I wrote:

“Or even better, you can ask the kid to explain how God can be limited (Psalm 78:41), how Jerusalem resisted Christ (Matthew 23:37), How Israel resisted God (Romans 10:21 and Isaiah 65:2), how the Jews were able to resist the Holy Spirit (Acts 7:51), why Jesus would rebuke cites for not repenting (Matthew 11:20-24), why God would invite all the ends of the earth to be saved (Isaiah 45:22), why God wants none to perish (2 Peter 3:9), why He wants all to be saved (I Timothy 2:3-4), why God claims to have mercy on all (Romans 11:32), why Christ was a ransom for all (I Timothy 2:6), or that salvation itself can be neglected (Hebrews 2:3)?

Seems to me that you would need to cut more out of your own Bible than you would need to cut out of the kids...”

From “$40 Million Dollar Debt Paid, But Debtor Still Faces Prison” (14 May 2007)

I wrote:

“Better yet, write it like it is.

God has "allowed man to choose", so the calvinists say, between Cheerio's and Lucky Charms.

However, God has not enabled man to desire Cheerios. So while the man is 'freely choosing' the Charms, lets just admit that he never really had a choice.

Come on, guys. We can choose Heaven or Hell, but we're not able to desire/choose Heaven? How is that a choice?

"Gee, you can have coke or pepsi, but I just spit in your coke. You can still choose it, though."


From “Calvinism Air Safety” (29 June, 2007)

I wrote:

“8. Don't bother discussing logical truths from a Calvinistic viewpoint such as these:

A: If Calvinism is true, than God created billions of souls with no other purpose than to burn in Hell for all eternity with no hope of salvation through Jesus Christ.

B: If Calvinism is true, than God is forcing the 'elect' to love Him, being as how it's completely against their nature.”


“"We could go on and on. Arminianism has nothing to do with logic, but rather emotion."

Would you please stop referring to all non-five pointers as Arminians? You think that the on;t two views in the realm of Christendom are those two? Please, Tom. Cut me some slack.

For the record, I'm a 4 pointer, and I lean much further towards soverign grace than I do free will.

So stop calling anyone not agreeing with you an Armenian, please?

I never said Christ died for everyone, nor do I believe that. Our Savior died only for those who believe the Gospel, the 'elect', the saved.

And stop dancing around my post. Is or is not point A true?

Point B is also known as "grace-rape". Calvinism's God isn't capable of drawing people to Him, huh? Gotta force them to love Him rather than have them choose to love Him.

Oh...you didn't think you were loving Him on your own accord, did you? You said yourself that "It is against anyone's nature to love God"..."Something supernatural must take place."

Hence the grace rape.”

From “Quinquarticular Tourette's” (23 June 2007)
I wrote:
“You think one of his questions at that wedding was:

"Do you choose to love this woman Grace with all your heart, or were you predestined to and have no choice at all about how you feel or who you marry?"”


“Ah. Nothing like forcing someone to love you against their will, lol.”

All that having been said, me and my wife were discussing freewill this week in the car. I told her "It's not that Calvinists deny freewill, it's just that we believe-"

and then she stopped me and told me that I refered to Calvinists as "we".


See, in the last six months I have studied the nature of the atonement. I've studied the concept of being dead in sin. I have read "Debating Calvinism" twice, "Chosen by God" twice, "What is Reformed Theology?" twice, as well as many, many theological essays and sermons on Calvinism.

Somewhere, somehow in the last 6 months I have gone from an ardent opposer of all things Calvinist to a fervent supporter of the doctrines of grace. Molinism still has it's appeal, but I know that my election could not have possibly been based upon anything I could do as a spiritual corpse.

So yeah...consider this website instrumental in the Lord opening my eyes to the truth that man is dead in sin and can do nothing to earn regeneration and election. Jesus died in my place, through regeneration the calling of the Spirit was too wonderfully precious to resist, and I know that what God has begun, He will complete.

Now I get to hide my convictions from everyone I know, 'cause there ain't too many Calvinists or Molinists in my circles.

Anonymous said...

I'm glad I didn't read the blog back in those days - you sounded pretty obnoxious! Seriously, though, great testimony of God's revelation as you persevered and did the research. May we grow further in the knowledge of Him and of ourselves. Thanks for sharing this.

Richard said...

It's funny, people come to me raising the exact same arguments I had...and like it did with me, my patient explanation rolls right off their backs, lol.

It's sad...I can't even remember exactly why I was so opposed to the system. Or to the Bible, I reckon would be more accurate.

Team Tominthebox News Network said...


Wow! What an encouragement for us here at TBNN. I'm so thankful that the Lord has used this blog to help people not just to laugh but to think, and seek to know him better. Praise the Lord that he's working in your life, teaching you and guiding you. I pray that he will continue to do the same in my own life.

In Christ,

Anonymous said...

Given that the monster in the labyrinth traditionally represents sin, I think the Emerging Lurch movement would have "reclaim and repurpose" labyrinths in some way.

Although the traditional Easter activity of dancing and tossing a clew ball of thread around inside the labyrinth while singing "Victimae Paschali Laudes" definitely has possibilities for monster-based spirituality.

AgapaoPhileo said...

Beautiful, just beautiful. Just came across this today and I believe I'll pass it on. I fell apart reading it so much that I think Cousin Cackle would be proud. See you all Later!

Bonus word verification: moltica, like Morticia if written by someone with dyslexia.