21 March, 2008

Christian Leaders Ask Congress to "Take Care of Hell"

Washington D.C. - The issue of hell has always been a touching subject for Christians. Some over the years have been accused of focusing exclusively on the issue, often terrifying masses of people into conversions, while others have shied away from the subject even denying the existence of hell altogether. Few, it seems, have preached a balance of God's judgment and mercy together. But recently a new approach has been taken on hell, and a number of prominent Christian leaders from across the country are trying to get the government involved. Their mission: destroy hell completely and then no one can go there.

"Many have tried to escape the hell subject by denying its existence," said Rev. James Hutton, pastor of St. Vincent Episcopal Church in Ceaderville, MD. "While that idea sounds tantalizing, it's just not practical. There's just too much evidence that hell exists, so I must sadly agree that there is such a place. But that doesn't mean we can't do something about it."

Hutton is one of five pastors who testified before a Senate hearing on Thursday to petition the United States government to begin working on a plan to eliminate hell once and for all. The five pastors arrived at the hearing with letters from over 6,000 Christian pastors across the country who want the United States government to handle this issue.

"I think hell is a major security problem for our country," said Rev. Shela Leslie-Pinkerton, of First United Church of Christ, Long Island, New York. "The United States possesses the technology and resources to take care of this problem so that no one will ever be faced with the fear of going to hell again."

The five pastors have proposed a plan of action that includes three basic steps. First, the military will construct devices able to drill down through the earth until hell is reached. Secondly, a series of nuclear blasts will be set off to destroy the overall infrastructure of hell. Finally, hell will be inundated with liquid nitrogen, essentially freezing hell over.

"Once we remove the threat of hell all of humanity will benefit," said Hutton during his testimony. "It will also improve our standing amongst the international community. Just think of how popular we will be for doing this. With hell gone, people will finally be freed from fears of the afterlife to live peacefully and serve each other in love simply for the betterment of the human spirit."


Anonymous said...

The problem is that such an attack would have to be called a "pre-emptive" strike, and as we have learned from recent years, it doesn't matter how bad the ruler of the domain is, it doesn't warrant action on our part.

I'm sure congress would take "heat" over considering such legislation, and wouldn't want to be "burned" by making an unpopular decision. :-)

UncleChicken said...

I have a funny feeling they have a personal reason for making sure Hell is gone before they die...

Jim Pemberton said...

Ok - This is hilarious on so many levels.