30 April, 2008

Sermroids, Preaching Enhancement Supplement

Tired of only preaching mediocre sermons that lack the punch it takes to really wow your members? Tired of envying great preachers like Joel Osteen, T.D. Jakes and Robert Schuller? Maybe you've tried reading books, brushing up on your Greek and Hebrew even throwing out the pulpit in exchange for a hip music stand and wireless headset mic, but you still just can't capture that powerful preacher demeanor.

Well now you can become a top-notch powerful preacher without all of the bother of studying and improving your techniques. New Sermroids preaching enhancement supplement can help you beef up your sermons to an optimum level of strength.

Whatch your congregations grow. Get more "Amens" out of every sermon. See more new visitors and members every week. Your sermons will get stronger than ever!

Note: Sermroids is an illegal substance! The purchase, sale and taking of this substance is strictly prohibited by law. Be sure to keep your Sermroids well-hidden. Side effects may include aggression, mood swings and back hair.


Richard said...

In the midst of wrapping up four courses of grad-work and preparing 150 of my students to complete their work, I was invited yesterday to preach this Sunday night.

That being said...

Um....where can I get some of my own sermroids?

Jerry Boyce said...

OK. I have an abundance of back hair- but that does not mean I took these drugs.

Anonymous said...

Time for a fingernail check, jerry.

Anonymous said...

News from 2019 (from AP):

Today in Washington, Pastor Clement Rogers was forced to appear before Congress to fend off allegations of him using sermon-enhancing drugs for the last 10 years of his preaching career.

Pastor Rogers vehemently denied all the allegations, and in a prepared statement said this: “Even though all the pastors I hang out with, my best friend, my wife, my spiritual mentor, and our Sunday School attendance taking lady have all admitted to using sermon enhancing drugs, I have never, ever, ever taken them.”

Prosecutors were not so easily swayed, however, citing Pastor Rogers’ recent surge in performance over the last few years. Evidence showed that for the first 17 years of Pastor Rogers preaching, he averaged about 3 Amens and 1 Hallelujah per sermon. (and not even a particularly rousing Hallelujah, either). But since he allegedly began taking Sermroids in 2009, the Amens have risen to about two dozen per sermon, and the Hallelujahs frequently enter into double digits. (Including, according to reports, the kinds of boisterous, full-voiced Hallelujahs which often leads to excessive hanky-waving in many congregations)

Rogers replied that, once again, he never (EVER) used Sermonroids, and that much of the misremembering may be due to the fact that he does, in fact, use the Sabbath-enhancing, fully-legal supplement Invitationall.

More on this as it develops.

Jim Pemberton said...

You didn't hear this from me, but I hear they have a version for musicians called Soloids.

Team Tominthebox News Network said...

Ha, good one andy!