19 May, 2008

California Narcissist Plans to Marry Himself

San Francisco, Ca - A recent ruling by the California Supreme Court rejected the legal definition of marriage as "between a man and a woman." While this news has been overwhelmingly received by gay and lesbian communities, others are also finding reasons to celebrate, like Richard Potter, a self-proclaimed narcissist. Potter, who claims to have been in love with himself for over 10 years, was exuberant upon hearing the news.

"I'm still speechless," Potter told TBNN. "I've been wanting to marry myself for years now. This new decision to not limit marriage to just between a man and a woman finally opens up the door for me to plan that big day that I've waited for so long."

Potter has already started planning his "big day." The ceremony will take place at the Park Street Unitarian Universalist Church on Saturday, June 21st of this year. The sanctuary will be decorated with yellow and white roses. Potter, who will wear a dark grey tuxedo, will exchange vows with himself before a crowd of special friends and family. The wedding will be officiated by Park Street's pastor the Rev. Tricia Kirkwood-Hansen-Smyth.

"I'm so in love with myself it drives me crazy," said Potter. "Sometimes in the morning when I'm combing my hair I just stand there and look at my own face longingly in the mirror and just admire my own beauty. Or at other times I just like to snuggle up with myself on the couch on a rainy evening and watch a movie. Whether I'm cooking dinner, or just having a night out on the town, I'm so happy with me and want to make that known to the world out there by committing myself to myself."

"I think what Rich is doing is a beautiful expression of his love for himself," said Kirkwood-Hansen-Smyth. "We know that self-love is the purest form of love. The Bible says somewhere to 'love your neighbor as yourself' I think. Well, I think Rich, more than many, really gets it. He's making that first and foremost commitment to himself, to love himself for the rest of his life, and then, and only then will he truly be able to love others.

Potter also noted to TBNN that being married to himself will finally allow him to file for extra benefits for his spouse and to be able to file 'Married Filing Jointly' on his taxes each year.


Anonymous said...

Whoa, Richard, big guy. I'm so happy for you. Say, have you considered paneling your home with mirrors? I think you'll find mirroring all your walls will be one of life's truly satisfying experiences, giving you that infinite reflections effect, and if slightly off angle, you can see yourself from previously impossible points of view.

When you're old and gray, you can pass on your wisdom to yourself, empathize with yourself, and commune with your significant other about life's aches and pains. Eventually, you'll be there to help yourself through those bedridden years by bringing in food or whatever.

Should you ever have to help yourself deal with Alzheimer's or strokes and finally, death, you can render life's last sweet parting; kiss yourself goodbye.

Anonymous said...

I wonder what happens if a divorce were to come into the picture down the road.

Jim Pemberton said...

The title alone had me spewing! This is one of your funniest pieces yet. I love the "scriptural justification": satirical squirmeneutics?

Great follow-up! I'm thinking Solomon's baby: "It just wasn't working out so I had to split up. My upper half got the downstairs and my lower half got the upstairs."

Jim Pemberton said...

Ooo - or... "I found out I was cheating on myself with another person."

A more realistic twist: "I left my wife for myself."

Unknown said...

I'd like to see his wedding pictures. Perhaps a mirror would be helpful with that too. he can say vows to himself.