25 July, 2008

Fundamentalists Await New "THiPhone"

Pensacola, Fl - Pensacola Christian College announced on Thursday that they will soon release the much anticipated "THiPhone." With the recent popularity of Apple's iPhone, many fundamentalists have been looking for a way to enjoy the convenience of the technology but without compromising their principles by using the "vulgar, base, worldly, accursed things."

"I'll admit, the technology is amazing, but I just couldn't bring myself to buy one," said Pastor Kenneth Hamperton of Bible Believers Sword of the Lord Baptist Church. "So many people own these phones and are listening to Kid Rock and Snoop Doggy Doo (sic) on them. Now while I wouldn't listen to such trash I know that someone might see me listening to my iPhone and say 'Hey look, brother Hamperton is listening to Kid Rock I bet. I guess I can too!' I don't want to be a stumbling block. We're called to be separate you know."

But the THiPhone, developed by a joint venture between the Science and Communications departments at P.C.C., promises to provide all of the functions of the iPhone but without the "evil" things normally associated with it. The THiPhone has many of the same features as the iPhone but with the following changes.

  • Like the popular "ePhod" the THiPhone will not play any songs with "bad" music, such as music with offbeats, hand clapping or distorted guitars.
  • The THiPhone comes pre-installed with a mobile version of Net Finney to prevent any Calvinist or Reformed websites from being visited.
  • The THiPhone will play videos but only recorded services from the P.C.C. campus church.
  • The THiPhone's camera can only take pictures of modest clothing or the P.C.C. campus.
There are also features that allow P.C.C. students to report other students who might be engaged in "rebellion" such as using the telephone in someone else's room or walking on the grass or speaking favorably of the Puritans. 

The THiPhone's release is planned for this fall with a starting price of $399.


Lance said...

Does it come with electronic versions of the Chick Publications library?

Just imagine what a powerful witness the THiPhone could be if you could turn to a Roman Catholic sitting next to you at the coffee shop and quickly show them your portable copy of "The Death Cookie" tract, or even the entire "Alberto" comic series!

Darrin said...

Is it true they self-destruct if you try to take a picture of a tulip? But I suppose you wouldn't find one of those on the PCC campus.

Jonathan said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jonathan said...

"...Is it true they self-destruct if you try to take a picture of a tulip?"

(insert evil laughter here: Bhuwhahahahaa!)


Church Sound Training DVD's

rick said...

Fundies have a lot of reasons to avoid cell phones. See what Pastor Gamaliel of Grace Pharisee Church has to say about them at: http://gamalielsdesk.blogspot.com/2007/06/dangers-of-cell-phones.html