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Eccumenical Leaders Find Something They Can Agree Upon

NEW YORK, NEW YORK

After weeks of meetings and theological discussions at the National Ecumenical Council of American Churches in New York, leaders from 37 denominations found an issue they could agree upon: "Presbyterian" is the most difficult denominational name to spell. The issue was put to a general vote late Monday night after three days of discussion and debate. The vote passed overwhelmingly 313 to 12 with 2 abstaining from the vote in protest.

"We hail this as a major step in eccumenical relations," said Rev. Larry Britton of Way of Life Church, Baton Rouge, LA. "It's time for us as Christians to show the world that we can indeed find things we agree upon. I think this was an important step."

The purpose of the conference, which began three weeks earlier, was two-fold. The delegates, sent by their various denominations, would enter into dialogue with other delagates regarding various theological and social issues. The delegates were to also seek ways in which denominations could work together in various capacities, such as world missions, and community development. But as the days of the conference passed it became clear that issues such as abortion, homosexuality and ordination of women were causing a great amount of division among the delegates.

Sean Mallory, a lay leader from the First United Methodist Church in Hillsboro, North Dakota stated, "There were difficult times at first, but I think we have shown the world that we are one people. We may have issues that we disagree upon, but we do have some common beliefs and goals."

The Council went on to vote for the second and third most difficult denominations to spell. The results were Episcopalian and Pentecostal respectively.

Church Plans "Chicken Eucharist"

MANHATTAN, NEW YORK

The famous Trinity Church, St. Paul's Chapel, is no stranger to "creative celebrations" during their weekly Eucharist services. A number of years ago they began celebrating a "Clown Eucharist" in which all of the participants dress up as clowns in order to be "fools for Christ's sake." More recently they began what is called a "hip-hop mass" where all worship music is in the R&B style and the participants "break it down" during the service.

Now, in an effort to broaden their spectrum of worship styles, the church has planned to begin holding an annual "Chicken Eucharist."

"We're very excited about this new development." Said Rector, Rev. Dr. James Herbert. "Many people who have lived in the city here all of their lives have never seen a live chicken! That's a significant part of creation that's being ignored, and we want to celebrate the goodness of Chickens."

During the mass Herbert plans to have live chickens running free in the church. In addition, all of the participants will wear chicken outfits. Furthermore, there will be no spoken words during the service, rather the participants will "cluck."

"We're a lot like Chickens." Said Herbert. "They desire to run free, but they're behind fences. They so want to break out of their captivity, and they have wings, but they just can't fly. We too have fences that we put up, fences of intolerance and hate, and sometimes we want to fly over them, but our wings aren't strong enough. We need the Master Farmer to come and help us 'fly the coop.'"

In addition to the live chickens and the costumes, the elements of the Eucharist will be altered to grain and water. The service will end with a recessional of all of the participants flapping around the room and clucking as they exit the church.

The church plans to hold the special service later this fall in protest of national chicken restaurant chains who allegedly mistreat chickens.

"We're standing up for these chickens." Said Herbert. "We're going to show the world that we're serious about being identified with this beautiful part of life."

Zondervan Investigates Translating the Bible to "Engrish"

GRAND RAPIDS, MICHIGAN

The desire to make the Bible accessible to all kinds of people has brought some "unusual" versions in the past. Notably, there was Clarence Jordan's Cotton Patch Version that paraphrased certain parts of the Bible in a folksy, grass-roots style. More recently there was the movement to "translate" the Bible into ebonics. Now, in an attempt to further see the Scriptures made readable to all kinds of people, Zondervan Publishing is proposing that the Bible be 'translated' into "Engrish."

"Engrish," as it is known, is essentially English that has been translated from another language, often by a non-native English speaker, and usually very poorly. This is most commonly seen on signs and the packaging of products from China and Japan.

"Engrish is becoming very popular." Said Kurt James, editor in charge of researching the possibility of the translation. "For the longest time Engrish has been nothing but the target of humor and ridicule. Now, we here at Zondervan want to show the world that Engrish is legitimate."

Zondervan estimates that the process would take approximately 7-10 years of intense work to accomplish. It would involve first translating the Bible into Mandarin Chinese from the original Greek and Hebrew manuscripts. Then, a group of 12-16 year-old Chinese students would be brought in to attempt to translate the entire Bible back into English, thus resulting in an Engrish version.

"We've already been involved developing a prototype of what the Bible would be like, and we're very excited about the results." Said James. "We've worked for the past 6 months translating 1 Corinthians into Mandarin Chinese and then having the students translate it back again. It turned out better than what we had hoped for!"

If approved Zondervan plans to invest some $3.5 million dollars to see the project through to its completion.

"We want this translation to be spread far and wide." Said James. "I'd like to see an Extreme Teen Engrish Bible or possibly a Women's Engrish Study Bible. We just want to see Engrish speakers everywhere be able to enjoy the Scriptures in a way that they can understand."

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Book Description:

Calvinism for Dummies is a must for any non-Calvinist, budding Calvinist or seasoned Calvinist. This trustworthy, no-nonsense guide shows readers how to understand Calvinism from a Biblical perspective. Readers will learn all about T.U.L.I.P., and how to distinguish Calvinism from Hyper-Calvinism.

Addressing the questions facing both new and old Calvinists in a clear and straightforward manner, this book gives the basics of what Calvinism is and is not. Included are tips on proper exegesis, consistency in understanding what the Bible has to say and examples of sovereign election and predestination throughout Scripture.
No matter where you are on the theological spectrum, Calvinism for Dummies is the perfect book to help you understand Calvinism.
Excerpts:

"Okay, let's imagine a dead man laying on the floor in your house for a moment. I know it's a gross thought, but let's just pretend. Well, you're not too fond of him being there so you scream out 'get up!' but unfortunately he doesn't move. You've got quite a mess on your hands don't you? So you play him some Kenny G...nothing happens...You show him some Thomas Kincade pictures... nothing...You put on your Riverdance CD...nothing. The problem is that he's dead, and no matter what you do he's not going to get up and walk away! Just as a dead man cannot get up and walk, so a man (or woman) who is 'dead in sins and trespasses' cannot respond to the call of the gospel unless he (or she) is first made alive. So how are we going to get that dead man to get up and walk off of Grandma Fanny's antique rug? It's going to take a miracle."


Note: Cartoon is a parody of "The 5th Wave" by Richard Tennant, copyright 2001 by Richard Tennant