LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA
Maria Sanchez is admired by many of her fellow parishioners for her devotion to the faith. She never misses a Sunday mass, and she usually attends several others during the week. She can often be seen at her local parish during the early morning hours praying, and she volunteers each week to help feed the homeless. So when a mysterious image appeared on her bathroom wall last week, strangely resembling a human face, Sanchez was both terrified and excited.
"I have been having mold problems in my bathroom, and so I went in there to clean last week and suddenly I see this face on the wall!" Said Sanchez. "My heart leaped within me. I thought that maybe the Virgin was showing herself to me in the mold. But something looked very strange. I began to think to myself that this was not the face of a woman."
Sanchez then stared at the alleged image in the mold for several minutes.
"I concluded that this was not the face of a woman at all, but the face of a man, but I did not recognize who this was."
After taking a picture of the spot, and contemplating what it might mean Sanchez called her neighbor, Elizabeth Lawrence, a professor of religion at Orange County Community College, to come over and see the site for herself.
"I immediately knew who it looked like." Said Lawrence, "The image strongly resembled the Reformer Martin Luther. It was uncanny!"
Now Sanchez is faced with a "crisis of faith" of sorts. Being a devout Catholic she is torn in how she should respond to the appearance of Protestant Reformer on her bathroom wall.
"I don't know what to think now." Said Sanchez. "Why would I have this miraculous appearance of a man who left our faith and despised our truth?"
Sanchez has turned to a number of priests in the Diocese of Orange for help interpreting the matter.
"I think this is just a coincidence." Said Fr. James Reily, pastor of St. Augustine's Church, Sanchez's parish. "I see no reason to think this is some kind of miraculous appearance of Martin Luther on her bathroom wall.
Still others offer a different interpretation.
"The appearance is indeed a miracle but also a warning." Said Fr. Francis McAdory. "The fact that this mold spot appeared on the bathroom wall is indicative that the teachings of Luther belong in the toilet. There is no other explanation for this."
But Sanchez has been reluctant to draw any solid conclusions.
"I'm just not sure what to do right now." Said Sanchez. "One person tells me one thing and another person tells me something else. I even visited a Lutheran church this Sunday just to see what it was all about. I'm not converting or anything like that, I think I just need to examine all of the facts."
CROWN POINT, INDIANAThe excitement level was high last Thursday at Hyles-Anderson College. The fundamentalist school founded by the Reverend Jack Hyles finalized and submitted a proposal to the United States government to issue a one dollar "Authorized" commemorative coin featuring the late minister.
Hyles pastored the First Baptist Church of Hammond, Indiana for over 40 years during which time he founded Hyles-Anderson College, staunchly defended the King James Bible and forcefully spoke out against other Christian leaders as being 'liberals.'
The announcement was made to the student body during Thursday's chapel service. "This is an historic day." Said Dr. Jack Schaap, pastor of First Baptist Church Hammond and Chancellor of the college. "We are submitting this proposal to the United States Government as a lasting monument to the work of Brother Hyles and the King James Bible. This coin will be a witness of his work and the purity of the Authorized Version 1611 every tim
e someone spends a dollar."
The coin will feature a portrait of Hyles on the obverse along with the national motto "In God We Trust," and the standard U.S. coin information, the date and the mint mark. On the reverse of the coin there will be an artistic rendition of an open Bible, the phrase "e pluribus unum" and "The Authorized Version of 1611" commemorating the King James Version of the Bible.
"I have never seen such a beautiful coin." Said Dr. Wendell Evans, president of the college. "This coin is perfect and without error. It is pure, refined in a fire seven times. We are hoping and praying that the United States Government will see fit to authorize this beautiful coin."
But the celebration and enthusiasm may be short-lived.
"This is very strange." Said United States Mint Director Edmund Moy. "The United States Government does not receive proposals for coinage in this fashion. I'm not sure what these people are expecting will happen, but I can assure you the U.S. mint will not be minting any Jack Hyles coins in the future."
But Hyles-Anderson College remains confident.
"Our faith is strong on this matter." Said Schaap. "We are confident that the Authorized Coin will be approved and that soon millions of Americans will know the great legacy of Jack Hyles."
MEYERSVILLE, INDIANA
It is a Sunday morning at Holy Kiss Baptist Church. The lights in the sanctuary dim as smoke fills the room. Suddenly in the darkness spotlights begin to move around. Cheers and screams arise from the congregation. Then the mysterious sound of the lone beat of a kick drum begins pounding out a 4/4 rhythm, accenting the first beat every time. The tension and excitement heighten when an electric guitar lets out a growling "thrash" on a single chord that seems to ring forever. And finally, when it seems that the building momentum can go no further in runs Pastor David Remington, face painted, hair-waving. He falls to his knees sliding to the center of the stage and air-guitars to an improvised solo by the church's praise band guitarist.
"Are you ready to solid rock?" Screams Remington to the cheering crowd that responds with a resounding "Amen!" Repeating himself, he screams again, "I said are you ready to solid rock all you saints?" "Amen!" the shouts come again. The praise band begins playing the music to Poison's Don't Need Nothing But a Good Time, but the words are that of Rock of Ages Cleft for Me.
Thus goes a typical Sunday at Holy Kiss Baptist Church, a church that, until about 5 years ago, resembled most average mainstream Baptist churches in America. But when the church determined to focus their outreach to "Old Rockers" they decided to contextualize their worship in order to make people feel more comfortable.
"We now have more than 1000 people attending now." Said Remington. "All of the songs that we sing are new words set to old Rock tunes."
Examples of the church's music include Prepare Me for Heaven set to Led Zeppelin's Stairway to Heaven, and Save Me Up set to the Rolling Stones' Start Me Up.
"One song that always gets the crowd going is when we do Sinful Ways set to Jimi Hendrix's Purple Haze." Said Remington as he broke into an impromptu rendition,
"Sinful ways,
All in my life,Causing me
So much pain and strife.
It ain't funny,
And I tell you why,
'scuse me while I pray and cry."
"And, of course," Said Remington, "some songs like The Doobie Brothers' Jesus is Just Alright With Me, need no adjustment whatsoever."
"It's been the coolest thing I've ever been to." Said church member Henry Woodriff. "Brother Dave just tears the place apart week after week."
Remington usually ends the time of praise and worship which he calls the "Solid Rock Concert" by either smashing or burning a guitar on stage. This is followed by his sermon which he calls the "backstage pass." During this time, Remington sits on a couch on the stage, kicks up his feet and just talks to his "fans" about something from the Bible.
"Attendance is growing and growing." Said Remington. "If things continue I think we'll start bringing in some opening acts."
NEW ORLEANS, LOUISIANA
They are a team that has endured many hardships and trials. They survived temporary relocation after a Hurricane destroyed most of their home town, they suffered loss after loss the same season, and though they came back fighting during the 2006-2007 season they once again found themselves falling short of a Super Bowl opportunity. In all the New Orleans Saints have had a tough history as a team. But this year Saints owner Tom Benson is looking towards a prospect that will hopefully give his team the boost it needs to go all the way to the 2008 Super Bowl.
"I was watching this guy, Benny Hinn, on television the other night." Said Benson. "He would raise his hands in the air and 75% of the audience would just fall backwards. He would touch somebody on the face and they'd tumble to the ground wiggling all over the place. It was amazing! If we had someone like that on our team there'd be no stopping us next year."
"We've been trying to get in touch with Mr. Hinn for almost a week now with still no response." Said head coach Sean Payton. "We really want to get him in to training camp this summer and get him to demonstrate that little touch thing he does or that little arm wave."
Many of the Saints players were equally excited about the prospect.
"Just think like, you know, if he was on our offense, you know, he could just, you know, wave his arm and the other team would all, you know, hit the deck." Said linebacker Terrence Melton. "If he just, you know, touched somebody they would fall out, you know, and we could go all the way for a touchdown every time."
The Saints said they plan to offer Hinn a $19.5 million dollar contract if he were to sign with them this season. But some obstacles still remain for the Saints though before Hinn can be signed.
"This is highly unusual." Said NFL commissioner Roger Goodell. "The commission is going to have to meet and talk about this one further before we make a decision."
"We plan to go all the way with this if we can" Said Benson. "If we can just him out there next year I feel confident we'll go all the way to number one!"
PENSACOLA, FLORIDA
The reports are unsubstantiated, but a number of sources have recently revealed some plans by the faculty and administration of Pensacola Christian College that come as a shock to many.
"The administration and faculty have been, for the last two years, planning to make the P.C.C. Student Handbook an official part of the Bible." Said Dr. Mark Chamblin, a former faculty member whose contract was recently not renewed due to his 'questionable views.' "I protested this ridiculous proposal and was harshly criticized for my 'rebellion' against the wisdom of the administration." Said Chamblin. "And so they let me go. I want to expose this horrible plot."
Pensacola Christian College has been criticized over the years for what many say are 'harsh' and 'legalistic' restrictions upon their students that 'go beyond Scripture.' Some of these rules include restrictions upon what kind of music students may listen to, following detailed requirements for separate entrances to buildings for men and women, prohibiting men and women from walking and talking together on certain parts of the campus, and restricting what students may watch on television or at the movies even if they are with their parents.
"The administration has been pushing this for some time now." Said Chamblin. "Phrases like 'The Student Handbook is perfect and without error' kept coming up over the years. Finally the proposal was made that it ought to be made part of the canon so that the students and parents could no longer question its authority."
Chamblin released what he stated was a portion of the handbook text that has been "translated" from modern English into the language of the King James Version in order to make it, as he stated, "more authoritative."
"A group of professors from the school have been working on 'translating' the handbook for almost a year now." Said Chamblin. "They plan to have the final edition of the Bible ready to be released by the start of Fall 2007 classes."
Members of the P.C.C. administration declined to comment when questioned as to the validity of Chamblin's reports.
"I immediately knew who it looked like." Said Lawrence, "The image strongly resembled the Reformer Martin Luther. It was uncanny!"
