Are you tired of liberal, so-called "Bible colleges" that do nothing but put out your gospel fire? Are you sick of know-it-all professors who use Satan's translations of the Bible? Does Calvinism just plain make your stomach churn? Now there's an alternative to those bunch of ejukated smarty-pantses who think they know so much.The Ruckman University of Street Preachers, founded by Dr. Peter S. Ruckman, is now accepting applications for the degree of Doctor of Street Preachin' with classes beginning this fall.
Dr. Ruckman will personally teach you all of the tricks of his trade as you study under his wisdom in classes like...
- Basics of Yelling
- Sign Making 101
- Cuss Words That Are Okay for Preachers to Say 101 & 201
- The King James Bible Basics
- Advanced King James Bible Stuff
- How to Make Fun of James White 101 & 201
- Why Calvinism is Evil
- Why Calvinism is a Lie Out of Hell
- How to Yell at a Calvinist
- Lies That Are Okay to Tell in Order to Accomplish Your Goal
- How to Make People Hate You So That They Persecute You So That You Feel Good About Yourself
"I got my Doctorate from the Ruckman University of Street Preaching in just five weeks. Thanks brother Ruckman!" - Lonnie Pursifull, Street Preacher
Space is limited, so fill out your application today!
18 comments:
Are there really 201 cuss words that are okay for a preacher to say in the pulpit?
I can't believe it.
For Ruckmanites there probably are.
Do they only offer "Street Prechin'" or can i get a Doctorate in "Bible Thumpin'" as well??
Lawrence,
"Bible Thumpin'" is a totally different degree track which is made up two extra courses;
-Fried Chicken 101
-Flying Spit
I heard they may be adding a new class this year...
- How to pick the right Bible for thumpin'
Lectures include:
How do i know my Bible is heavy enough for thumpin'? (it's heavy enough to knock someone down, but not heavy enough to knock someone out)
How to pick the right color. (Red because if you accidentally shed blood with your thumpin' it won't show up as easily)
Bible thumpin in the 21st century. (How to use Bible audio cd's as throwing stars)
Hahahahahaha.
This one left me laughing while shaking my head. What else can I do, ya know?
Sad part is, many of the preachers I enjoy listening to would call this website nothing but damnable heresy right out the fires of hell itself.
Tom, are you saved? Would you like to repeat this little prayer after me?
Lol.
And Ruckman? Come on, man. Way to ruin it for KJV users like me.
Do they offer transfers of credit from Rev Phelps' How to picket Military Funerals course-work?
I wonder if they will add "How to Sue Intimidating Wheel-chair bound Mormon Grannies?"
Wow--that's good stuff--especially the courses about James White--I'd like to sign up just so I could get kicked out.
Tom, I laughed before I even starting reading the article! This one needs no explanation—so brilliant because it's so simple!
Thank you for this bit of sunshine on such a dark, sad week. It brought a tear of laughter to my eye.
Is there a class in bumper-sticker-makin'? Or at least the art of covering your entire bumper in ruckmanite stickers?
You've missed a class in the Street Preachin' degree: How to use your 15 children in street preachin'
I love this site... I'm so glad I found it. My parents are a part of this crazy man's cult. When I was a teenager they used to make me go to the church. The "N" word is used OFTEN there. Sad, sad, sad.
Sounds a fun course! Guess I wouldn't be allowed in, though.
Wow! I didn't realize this was a real guy. I wondered where you got the picture. Better watch out that you don't get sued for false advertising or something. Those Alabama guys can be mean.
My parents just got me a megaphone for high school graduation. If they offer this course during the summer I will really be ready to sock it to 'em on campus in the fall.
Someone must got their sissy little feelings hurt...so sorry.
Wonder if the Ruckmanite University offers classes in
-"Dressing up in a devil costume and yelling at bar patrons 101." <-- (It's a link!!)
and
-"How to spraypaint your vehicle with King-James-Only statements and pronunciations against various 'heretics' such as James White and John Piper."
Just for the record:
1)Lonnie Pursiful did not attend school nor received any instruction from Peter Ruckman
2) Every Bible preacher preached in the open air
3) I know of no Christian that has 'spraypainted their vehicle', but I know many who have magnetic scripture signs or bumper stickers on their vehicles
4)It probably is not wise to castigate many people by the actions of a few. While many streetpreachers do not show a great deal of wisdom, is it fair to cast all in the same light? For example, Fred Phelps (rightfully derided by a commenter here) is a Calvinist. Does that make Calvinism false? Of course not.
To make silly statements at those we consider silly may make you and your friends laugh, but really doesn't show a lot of intelligence.
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