This past Sunday Jake Krenshaw celebrated the number "100." No, that is not his age, neither has he been a Christian for one-hundred years. The number also does not represent how many people he has "won to salvation." For Krenshaw, rather, the number "100" is significant because that is how many times he has "walked the aisle" at his home church, Chapel Hill Baptist Church, and gotten "saved.""I think I've finally got it right this time," said a smiling Krenshaw. "This is the 100th time that I've responded to the invitation, and this time it's for real. I really got saved this time."
The journey of faith began for Krenshaw back in 1995 when he first "walked the aisle" at Chapel Hill Baptist. He was baptized for the first time the following Sunday. But it was within a couple of weeks that Krenshaw began to have serious doubts that he had been sincere, so he again "walked the aisle" and again was baptized the following week. From that point on any time Krenshaw has had the slightest doubt he has "walked the aisle" and received the invitation. As a result, he has been now been "saved" 100 times and has been baptized 93 times.
For Krenshaw the struggle with assurance of "genuine salvation" is rooted in his inability to see evidence of true faith.
"The reason I felt that I wasn't saved this time goes back to last week actually," he said. "I was flipping through the channels on Thursday evening when I came across an old rerun of Seinfeld. Well, they made dirty comment on the show, and I actually laughed at it. I knew that a saved person wouldn't laugh at such a thing. So I determined right then and there that I was going to get my soul right, that when the preacher offered the invitation on Sunday that I was going to truly accept it this time."
Since getting "saved" this past Sunday Krenshaw states that this week his life has been a virtual "bed of roses," free from all temptation and "big sins."
"Now that I've finally gotten saved," he said, "I don't have those old temptations to big sins anymore. I've been completely free from any desires to do what is wrong."
Many, though, in Krenshaw's congregation are skeptical as to whether this will be his last time to "walk the aisle."
"Every time Jake so much as blinks the wrong way he thinks he's not really saved," said a church member who wished to remain anonymous. "Several of us even have a pool going to see when he's going to walk the next time."
If all goes according to plan, Krenshaw will be baptized for the 94th time this weekend.
"I know the drill by now," said Krenshaw. "I know just when to hold my breath and how to lean back when I'm dunked. I'd say I'm pretty experienced at it."
When asked if he thought he would ever have to "walk the aisle" again he replied, "as long as they can play fourteen verses of Just As I Am I'll always have that option open to me."
8 comments:
This is one of those that is probably more true than satire. Maybe the numbers are inflated, but otherwise the story is generally true.
I know the drill by now," said Krenshaw. "I know just when to hold my breath and how to lean back when I'm dunked. I'd say I'm pretty experienced at it."
This was funny. Did he not know when to hold his breath the first few times he was "dunked"? What did he do, drink out of the baptistry during his first few baptisms? Maybe that is why he had to try again and again...
Temptation, altar calls, assurance of salvation...wow, you brought a lot of stuff together on this one. If there is a case to be made in seeing your posts here as serious sermons merely dressed up as satire, then "Man Celebrates One-Hundred" is exhibit number one.
that is quite possibly one of the funniest things i have seen in a while.
i think we need a post having to do with drinking (had an interesting discussion with some YPs about that recently.
Having grown up in a church in the Arminian tradition, I witnessed actual events that closely parallel your satire. One young woman I know went forward to "rededicate" her life at least once a month for two years in one church I attended. You really hit the nail on the head with this one! Kudos!
I "rededicated" my life in seventh grade...As I look back on it, I was never saved before then. This is no doubt the results of Finneyism. This story isn't very far fetched. I know many people growning up who walked the aisle several times. A friend of mine went to see the Power Team (he now sees why I don't like them) and one of the girls in his youth group got "saved" twice in one week. Amazing. I have only been saved once. I must not be as saved as alot of people are.
Not far fetched--and it passes as reality.
And While if I had been the one doing this I would have lost count around 20-25, I'm sure somebody would count--you never know when a legalist will ask for the exact number--and not accept "a lot" as an answer...
You see, this is the reason why preachers need to give 100% assurance, telling anyone who prays the Prayer and means it with all his heart to never, ever doubt that they are once saved, always saved.
Great post, though I'm not sure this qualifies as satire. It's all too true -- especially for those who think my name seems a little familiar...
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