25 January, 2007

Fundamentalists Hope New "ePhod" Will Be a Hit


With the immense popularity of Apple's iPod many fundamentalist, KJV-only kids are feeling left out.

"All of my friends have one" said 15 year-old Rick Morgan. "I know that these things are base, vulgar and worldly, but sometimes, I'll confess, I just really wish I had one."

In an effort to keep fundamentalist KJV-only teens from coveting, Pensacola Christian College announced that it will soon release its first ever electronic item called the ePhod.

The ePhod boasts many of the same features as Apple's iPod but with a number of prominent modifications;

1. The ePhod will not play any songs where the drums are too prominent or there is too much syncopation, hand clapping, or if there are any electric guitars in the piece.

2. Any song that could possibly be danced to will not play on the ePhod.

3. The only pictures that can be uploaded and displayed on the ePhod are pictures of modest clothing or The Rev. Jack Hyles.

4. The only Phod book that can be downloaded and read on the ePhod is the King James Bible 1611.

5. Sermons by John MacArthur, John Piper, Mark Dever, Phil Ryken, and many other prominent Reformed ministers will also not play on the ePhod.

The ePhod's designer, Billy Kline hopes that the new product will catch on fast.

"It's high time we KJV-only fundamentalists move into the modern era," said Kline. "For years now we've been, well, a little behind the times it seems."

When asked how he planned to market the new product Kline responded,

"We are gonna push it hard. To get this thing going we're going to have some revival meetings extolling the virtues of the ePhod and how it's been made without error. We'll also show people the evils of the iPod, how it's a corruption of true technology, how it's Satan's deception to confuse people. It'll be one of the evidences that you're truly saved if you used the ePhod!"

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