03 April, 2008

Satire From the Future: Pastor Preaches Gospel

April 3, 2047 - New York, Ny - Many of the members of Southpoint Follower of Jesus Assembly are still in a state of shock and confusion over Sunday's sermon by pastor Richie Hermon. Many are wondering if Hermon, who has been the pastor of SJFA for almost 20 years now, has lost his touch with reality. According to worship participants the service was going fine until Hermon got up to "preach."

"Everything was going along just fine, like it usually does" said member Patrica Kline. "The multimedia worship was wonderful and uplifting. Michael the youth pastor flew in to the service and impressed us with a holographic display. Someone sang a wonderful solo of Your Best Life Now and one of our ladies offered an interpretive dance to the story of the rich man and Lazarus. That was all well and good, but then Richie stood up to 'preach' and everything just went nuts."

As it turns out Hermon decided to stand up when he preached rather than reclining on a couch. This immediately made many people feel imposed upon and uncomfortable. The next thing Hermon did that was so shocking was that he actually had a copy of a Bible with him, opening it and reading from it which people also found dogmatic, close-minded and judgmental. After than he then proceeded to read passages from the Bible, commenting on sections of scripture and making application.

"It was the most bizarre spectacle I've ever seen" said Martin Roberts, a member of SFJA. "We all just sat in our seats shocked and dismayed at what was going on. Richie was up there reading from this book and telling people how to live. He was saying things like 'Only in Christ can we be saved' and 'Our words and deeds reflect what's in our hearts.' We just all felt so judged and looked down upon. I even spilled my beer!"

After the service many threatened to leave. Hermon was unavailable for comment.


Unknown said...

"I even spilled my beer!"

Hahahaha! Too hilarious! I spilled my own beer--okay, so it's actually chocolate milk, whatever--reading this!

Anonymous said...

I don't think we have to wait till 2047 to see this kinda shock over presenting the Word of God in our churches. We can find it today!

Stefan Ewing said...

Oh, the humanity!

Ken said...

Preach the Word in church?...


Jim Pemberton said...

How did they know about the rich man and Lazarus? I suspect somebody has been reading a contraband Bible. We'll have none of that around here, thank you.

"...spilled my beer." Yikes! Well, I guess the Bible says not to be drunk with wine, but it didn't say anything about beer. I guess this church serves beer and chips for communion?

It kinda reminds me of the time when the Israelites found the scriptures gathering dust in the corner of the temple and decided to read them aloud.

Sarah L. said...

I agree with toyowashi07. That type of thing already exists. And now, everything is about unity, love, peace... No one is ever supposed to say that someone's religion is wrong because that might hurt their feelings. Oh, and I can't leave out entertainment!! That is a must! People need to feel good about themselves, and to be 'catered to'. Studying doctrine is now sooo "old" and boring. People need excitment.

Uggggghhhh! what a state 'churches' are in...

It makes me think of this quote by (I think) Amy Carmichael:

"The Cross of Christ is the only hope of the world. Our constant danger is that we cry, Behold this new opportunity. Behold our new methods. Behold our human brotherhood. And forget to cry, Behold the Lamb of God!"