30 April, 2007

Man's Apparent "Second Blessing" Only A Seizure


Ezra Martin has been a member of Calvary Pentecostal Church in Toronto for almost 25 years. Faithfully attending services, he has sought for most of those years to receive a so called "second blessing," and be "slain in the Spirit," but has sought, as it were, in vain.

"Every time we've had a service I've tried to get slain, but it just never happens." Said Martin. "I've had people pray over me in tongues, lay hands on me, touch me, but it never happens. I just can't get it."

For years this congregation of charismatic believers has looked on with pity as Martin is the only member that has never received his "second blessing."

"It's so sad." Said friend Adam Harvell. "My young son just got saved a year ago and already he's been filled, but Ezra has been trying ever since I've known him with no such luck. We pray for him all the time, but it just never happens."

So this past Sunday the congregation became extremely excited during the service when Martin began to suddenly exhibit signs of being "slain."

"I looked down during the worship time and saw Ezra's eyes start rolling into the back of his head." Said William Hughes, Martin's pastor. "I shouted out 'Look everyone, he's got it!' Everyone looked over at him and got real excited. Ezra just started shaking and then he fell to the ground just shaking all over, convulsing and vibrating."

Members of the church gathered around Martin and immediately began to speak in tongues, laying on hands and shouting.

"We were all so thrilled for him." Said Harvell. "We thought he had finally got it!"

But what, for a moment, seemed like a cause to celebrate suddenly turned into a a major medical emergency. After shaking violently on the floor for several minutes Martin suddenly stopped moving. It was then that the tongue speaking stopped and the church went into action.

"We realized something was wrong when he stopped breathing." Said Hughes. "I knew then that perhaps he had not really been filled. I didn't know if he'd had a heart attack or something."

Hughes was able to revive Martin after a few minutes by slapping him repeatedly on the face. He was then taken to a local hospital for observation.

"I broke my hand when I fell." Said Martin from his hospital bed. "But I'm doing okay I suppose. I'm just so disappointed that it wasn't the real thing. For a minute I thought I was being filled as the room began to spin and I felt my knees get week. I just don't know if I'll ever get it now."


Anonymous said...

Funny. Lark News did this type of thing once, too:

Jacob said...

"Let the bodes hit the floor..."

Stefan Ewing said...

Tom gets nasty....

Eric said...

May I propose that Ezra's church body all take a class in proper hermeneutics of the bible? This may prevent future head injuries and other problems like that.

Furrowcious said...

Seriously, this is the best website ever. Better than Homestar Runner. More truthful than MSNBC.com. More important than MySpace.com.

Mark Borofsky said...

The satire here (it is satire, right?) is side splitting.

I was laughing so hard that I was crying then my eyes started rolling in the back of my head and I realized, it was not humor, it was my second blessing making its way to me.

Keep up the great work.