Crystal Cathedral Will Just Become a Krystal

GARDEN GROVE, CA

In 2012 mounting debt, infighting and a lack of funding brought Crystal Cathedral Ministries, founded by Robert Schuller, to bankruptcy.  With money dry, attendance and donations down, the iconic "Crystal Cathedral" could no longer be sustained.  The building was made nationally and internationally famous by Schuller's weekly "Hour of Power" that included famous musicians and singers, interviews with famous celebrities, and sixty to ninety seconds of Schuller talking about something called the Bible.  The show also offered great opportunities to give to the ministry, enticing people's generosity with tempting knick-knacks such as hand-packaged high-quality plastic sculptures of a mother eagle majestically protecting her young as the light of creation bursted forth from behind her glorious wings (your gift with a donation of $100).

The building was sold to the Catholic Diocese of Orange County with the intention that it would be used as a Catholic Church, but TBNN has recently learned that  plans have changed.

"After long and difficult deliberation the Diocese has decided that the property will be best utilized commercially as a Krystal Hamburger restaurant." Said Fr. Paul Webb, who has been appointed head of the transition committee for the property.

The popular restaurant is known for its small, bit-sized hamburgers comprised of an all-beef 1/64 lb. patty, a four-inch tall bun, two rice-sized pieces of onion, one pickle, several dots of mustard, and 1/4 cup of catchup, all of which, for some reason, takes a baffling 25 minutes to make from the time of ordering.  Despite the fact the burgers resemble what a twenty-year-old bachelor might put together with random ingredients found in his apartment cabinets, they are very popular, and Krystal franchises continue to expand into new markets.

Webb went on to further explain:

"We thought of turning into a Catholic Church, but as we began to consider our other options and look at the numbers, the idea of a restaurant popped into our heads.  Someone spoke up and said "Wouldn't it be funny if Krystal wanted to move in?' He was only joking, but we all thought it was brilliant.  We immediately contacted Krystal."

It wasn't until almost a month later that an agreement was reached.  By the end of this summer the current Crystal Cathedral congregation will be moving out, and what will become the largest Krystal restaurant in the world will be moved in.

"We're very very excited about this new location," said Ron Whittsetter, regional director for Krystal. "We'll be able seat almost 1000 people in our new location.  On top of that we'll still have the pipe organ, so we're hoping that people will begin to look at us in a little bit of a different light. We can just imagine couples coming here and having romantic dinners as the pipe organ plays.

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New Baptist Hymnal Eliminates "Non-Essential" Verses

NASHVILLE, TENNESSEE

Lifeway Publishing, the official publishing house of the Southern Baptist Convention, announced today the release of a new edition of "The Baptist Hymnal" for 2012.  The hymnal will feature a number of updates and improvements including over 40 new songs, a number of key changes, and extra instrumentation.  In addition, the hymnal will feature most hymns with all but the first and last verses or the first, second and last verses eliminated.

"Most song leaders and music ministers only sing the first and last verses or the first, second and last verses," said Jerry Todd, director of publications for the hymnal.  "To keep people from getting too confused we decided to just save time and go ahead and eliminate them."

Music ministers around the country expressed delight when learning of the new hymnal.

"This will really help," said Larry Moony, a music minister from Macon, Georgia.  "We haven't sung a third verse in over 30 years at our church."

Pet-Integrated Worship Flops

OSBURG, WASHINGTON

Almost a decade ago, The Healing Place Church of Osburg began adopting a more family-integrated model of doing things.  For them, this meant an end to children's church, and a complete change to their Sunday School schedule.  No longer were children and adults separated into classes, but rather, they began meeting together for a family class.  This philosophy of worship has worked well for the church over the past ten years.  The church has grown from about 15 families to almost 50 on a typical Sunday.  Parents have become more involved in the lives of their children, and other adults in the church interact more regularly with whole families.

Seeing how well the family-integrated model worked, the church recently decided to take things a step further.

"Pets are an important part of a family," said the church's pastor, Jim Rickman, "and if we truly desire to see the whole family together in worship, that's going to include the pets too."

After much debate, the church announced that pets would be welcome in worship.  The first Sunday in November would mark the beginning of a new era for Healing Place.  But things didn't go quite as they had hoped.

"We didn't quite think things through well enough," noted Rickman.  "We had expected a few dogs and cats, but we got more than we bargained for."

The presence of dogs and cats in worship was enough to significantly disturb the service.  Besides the barking and meowing, several chases broke out prior to the prelude.  The call to worship was accented by a "yippy little dog" whose high-pitch bark apparently triggered a seizure in one of the ushers.  And during the first hymn a cat managed to jump on top of the communion table and begin eating the bread.

Besides dogs and cats, several other pets of a more exotic nature caused an uproar.  Even though kept in a terrarium, one young man's pet rattlesnake was enough to send a group of people screaming from the service.  The screams were accented by other shrieks induced by various pet tarantulas, iguanas, and even an aardvark.  The service was forced to an abrupt end whenever several dogs began marking various pews as their territory.

"We went too far," quipped Rickman.  "Thankfully, the repairs to the sanctuary are not as expensive as we first thought, but I think we're going to have a hard time convincing anyone to drink from the communion cups again, especially after that cat used them as a litter box."

Atheists Bemoan Commercialization of Meaninglessness

MUNICH, GERMANY

A world gathering of atheists occurred this past weekend in Munich to discuss how the "meaninglessness of atheism is becoming so commercialized."  Led by the outspoken and controversial Richard Dawkins, the group of "intellectuals" and "rationalists" from over 45 different countries listened to lectures and participated in roundtable forums that dealt with the issue.

"Our goal was to encourage one another, and help each other remember the true meaning of life, mainly, that it is meaningless, pointless and short." said Dawkins

In the opening address to the enthusiastic crowd, Dawkins dealt with the issue of the commercialization of atheism.

"What we are currently seeing worldwide is a mass influx of everyday people to atheism, and as a result it's beginning to lose its true hopelessness.  Some of these people are abandoning their beliefs in deity and joining our cause, but at the same time they're bringing in such ideas as hope, optimism, and purpose in life, and this is something that we as faithful unbelievers need to seriously address.  Every effort must be made to reclaim the true meaninglessness of life, to reclaim the great truth of the pointlessness of our existence."

Over the course of the conference the group formulated a motto that they hope will serve as a battle cry for those atheists who want to remember the true misery of life.  "Nothing is the reason for our existence."

At the close of the conference Dawkins noted, "We believe that having a short, pithy statement such as this can help our atheists brothers and sisters out there keep in mind the great truth that all of life has pointlessly come from nothing and is going to nothing."